Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The First California Halloween

JJ and i carved pumpkins for Hallo. and if you remember, last year he fudged up his carving and it was just a giant hole. LOLERS. so this year he carved "J + L" because he's no artist. he sux at pumpkin carving. but then again all i carved was a typical everyday jack o'latern face.

the story here is the adventure of going to the "pumpkin patch." you see, in California, there aren't any real pumpkin patches, only plots of land next to costco with hay haphazardly thrown on the ground, a blow up jumpy castle and crap pumpkins. we arrived at a "pumpkin patch" just like the one i described, hopped out of the car with Cle on her leash. we were about to step into the patch when we were bombarded by a giant sign that read "ABSOLUTELY NO PETS" wtf? it's outside. it's a fake fudging pumpkin patch and it's hay and dirt flooring!! what is the big deal!!?!?!?!? threw mini fit and muttered under my breath something about how "California knows nothing of real pumpkins" and put Cle in the car. stomped back into the fake patch with a vengeance. grabbed my pumpkin whilst JJ picked his. stomped to the trailer where you pay for your pumpkins and carving knife. "that will be $31.76 please." KDJSFKDHFKSFHJKDFSHKKFHS OVER THIRTY DOLLARS FOR TWO MEASLY PUMPKINS AND ONE CHINSY CARVING KNIFE?!?!?!?! so we paid for the overpriced California pumpkins and went home to carve...

it was a blast. and they turned out SO COOL :)

but then one day later it was 98 degrees and the pumpkins wrinkled and molded into mush. JJ's pumpkin left a giant nasty mold spot that we fear might start sprouting mushrooms. but neither of us want to touch the spot. so it's still there, festering and growing more disgusting by the hour.

Halloween day was a rather uneventful one. in the morning JJ panicked because he thought we wouldn't have enough candy for the trick-or-treaters. so we skipped over to target and bought 4 yes FOUR more bags--just in case. i had 3 packages of skittles for breakfast that morning and 8 fun-sized butterfingers for lunch. tummy ache. i dressed Cleo up in her ladybug costume (TO DIE FOR) and we snapped some ador photos of her. ONE OF WHICH PERFECTLY CAPTURED THE MOLDY STAIN ON THE STOOP. (FYI it's the spot that looks like a big bird poop):

after Cleo's Costume we sat around waiting for all of the children to come ring our doorbell for candy. after 20 minutes i got bored and snuggled up in bed for a sister wives marathon on TLC. an hour later i gave up entirely on the children and settled even more deeply into bed and took off my pants. JJ got extra comfy on the couch with his football games and took off his shirt. at the exact moment when both off us stripped off an item of clothing, there came a knock at the door.

JJ yelled at me to get it. i yelled back that i was without pants. he yelled back that only an idiot doesn't wear pants on Halloween when expecting trick-or-treaters and i yelled back that only extra dumb idiots take off their shirts. three minutes later he fumbled to the door and opened it. standing there like a big giant creep sans shirt and holding a goofy plastic pumpkin filled with candy. the poor little boy and his mother were already headed back down the stairs, clearly trying to avoid the bizarre couple in apartment 192. but JJ wasn't about to let The One Trick-or-Treater get away. he called after them, "WAIT! WAIT! HERE, TAKE SOME OF MY CANDY!" and i was like OMFG hahajdkahjhahahahah JJ you are SO sketch right now. and the little boy (dressed as a skeleton) slowly walked toward JJ's bare chest. JJ then dumped half of the plastic pumpkin in the boy's pillowcase. which, if i were his mother and was embraced with a psycho on Halloween who was shirtless and calling after children, i would have marched straight home and dumped the candy in the trash for fear that it was laced with meth. i mean trick-or-treating is already an incredibly weird tradition which requires us to put full trust into complete strangers. a nutcase with no shirt just increases the weirdness level by 150%.

so anyway JJ shut the door looking fully satisfied with his candy-giving efforts and i just laughed at him standing there looking like an absolute nitwit. it was the dumbest Halloween ever since we had zero friends and zero party invites and zero costumes (besides Cleo's). and the sad thing is we sat around all day, looking forward to one simple thing. we fully anticipated a rush of sugar-monger children and only got one timid skeleton boy whom JJ scared off completely. i can only hope skeleton boy's mother doesn't put my husband on the Miscreant Men neighborhood watch list.

the night was so symbolic of The First L&JJ California Halloween. just boring and awkward with no trick-or-treaters, $30 pumpkins from a fake patch and a naked chest.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! why didn't he put a shirt on?! so creepy!

  2. $30 for pumpkins?!?!?! unbelievable! i paid almost $50 for 12 pumpkins for my students. california ripped you off! cute carvings though by the way:)

  3. Ahahahah!! Totally ripped off. I bought 3 pumpkins for 2$ at the gleed pumpkin patch.

    p.s. glad to hear your obsessed with sister wives! I am so intrigued by those crazy people!!!

  4. We only had one trick-or-treater too. I didn't even see him but mom assured me to buy lots of candy because an apartment complex is like a gold mine for candy


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