Saturday, November 6, 2010

the switch

the other night it was so EFFING HOT in our apartment that we turned the AC on before bed. like we literally couldn't sleep bc of the heat.

there's a vent on the ceiling of our bedroom. and it's conveniently located right above my side of the bed. as soon as JJ turned on the AC i felt the cool air blowing lightly on my skin. it was wonderful. like i might as well have had two sexy beach men in hula skirts fanning me with big leaves. i quickly fell asleep. 20 minutes later i heard/felt JJ rustling around all angry and uncomfortable. i was like COME ON DUDE I'M SLEEPING and he was like WELL IT MUST BE NICE BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!! I'M TOO HOT!!!!! and then i did something that immediately regretted, but felt really nice at the time. i said, "would you like to switch sides with me for tonight? so you can get the air directly on your face??" and he was like, "oh L, i love you so much how nice of you! i would love to switch sides tonight thanks so much." and so i scooted over to his side. he got out of bed and walked around to my side, and i could see the smile on his face even in the dark. and then he joyfully pulled down his shorts and was about to climb in on MY SIDE with his BARE CRUSTY BUTT OMFG EW. i was like JJ HANSEN! ABSOLUTELY NO NAKED BUTT CRUST ON MY SIDE! THAT IS THE MOST APPALLING THING I'VE EVER WITNESSED. THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT IS BEYOND ME!!! PUT YOUR SHORTS BACK ON RIGHT THIS INSTANT OR THE DEAL IS OFF!!!!! i mean COME ON is he serious right now!?!?! so he got all huffy after i scolded him and put his shorts back on. we settled into bed and started dozing off when i suddenly sat up. JJ I HAVE THIS HORRIBLE VISION THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND STEP ON MY LAPTOP. and he was like NO I'M NOT. and i was like YES YOU ARE. so could you please pretty please just move it away from you? like 100 feet away from you? and he was like OMG L!! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. so he got out of bed, dramatically picked up the laptop and stomped out of the room. he came back and said, "i put it in the kitchen, is that far enough away for you?!?" and i said, "yes, that is perfect thank you honey."

then we went to sleep.

in the middle of the night, just as i predicted, JJ got up to pee. and since he doesn't know the pattern of the things on the ground on my side of the bed he STEPPED ON EVERYTHING!!!! it was so loud. i woke up and saw what was going on and i was like COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. he stepped on my purse. he crunched my lip gloss under his feet. he got a pair of dirty underwear tangled in his toes (i actually like that one hahjhahahahaha!!!). he was an absolute mess.

then we went back to sleep.

at 3 a.m. i woke up all panicked because i didn't know where i was. i was literally so confused because i was facing JJ's bamboo plant and i was like WTF AM I IN THE JUNGLE!?!!? so i sat up quickly and rubbed the sleep from my eyes and realized i was safe.

then i went back to sleep.

at 6:30 a.m. JJ's alarm blaring from JJ's chair on JJ's side of the bed piercingly ran in my ears until i jumped out of bed to silence it. i threw the phone at his back.

then i went back to sleep.

at 8 a.m. JJ was like "OMG L WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!??! I'M LATE!!!" and i was like sorry dude. your alarm went off AND WOKE ME UP. i tried to alert you. and he bolted out of bed and got ready for work and i rolled back over to my side.

then i went back to sleep.

and i slept soundly.


1 comment:

  1. excellent social commentary Lacie! I did actually lol. Jenn and I thought this could be a good idea one night.. like you, it was a mistake that will not be repeated! Tom x


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