Sunday, January 31, 2010

puppy fever

Rah and Nebular got a new puppy! Francois. Frankie for short. he is a jet black pompoo and he is adorrrrrrable. so sososos so sooooo cute! i love him. so now they have Pierre & Francois (Benny & Frakie) and OMG Cleo and the two boys romping around together is the cutest thing ever in the whole wide worldddd!

i emailed JJ yesterday from work:

OMG RAH AND NEBULAR GOT A PUPPPPPPYYYYYYY!!!! I WANT ONEEEE! puppy fever!!

or we could have a babyyyy!!!

i want a tiny little thinggggggggg!!!

he replied:

L, why don't you be happy with what we have: the dog, the cat and eachother.

touche, JJ.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

p.s.

for the 10 of you who have no cavaties or speeding tickets in your personal records, maybe it's time to live a litte, ok?

my JITB love affair

well, i did it. i went back to an olllllld favorite.

JITB.

everyone forgets about the mad cow disease or e. coli outbreak or whatever in the hamburger meat in like 2001. if people remembered, they wouldn't eat there. Jack in the Box is a very successful fast food chain. and i'm not sure why. OH WAIT, YES I AM. IT'S BECAUSE THE FOOD IS SO DELICIOUSLY GREASY AND CHEAP AND SHUT UP YOU KNOW YOU LAUGHED AT THE BOWL-CUT COMMERCIAL. JITB is headed by marketing geniuses. i used to get 2 tacos for 99 cents because the "meat" was supposedly vegan soy or something. but actually it's basically insta-meat. it's powdered meat and you add water and it turns into taco filling. totally gross but OMG how good are they?? with a little hot sauce??

i can't eat the tacos anymore, though. meat is gross. if you disagree, go read Skinny Bitch and if you still like meat after that book, then we'll talk.

so, whenever i used to go to JITB, the girl with the spider tattoo on her neck always helped me, and she knew me by the end, and what i liked, and it got a little weird. but she's since moved on (and hopefully up) in the world. anyway, i literally had no shame yesterday evening. because...i...ordered...



2 LARGE ORDERS OF CURLY FRIES WITH EXTRA BUTTERMILK RANCH. i mean, not one. i couldn't stop at one order. i had to go with two. what is wrong with me? even the person who took my order was like "really? you want 2 large orders of curly fries" i was like YES SHUT UP SORRY I DIDN'T ORDER THE CIABATTA CLUB SANDWICH. I ONLY WANT THE CURLY FRIES AND THAT'S FINAL.

my punishment? diarrhea 3 times before 8 am. one time for each order of large curly fries, and another for the extra buttermilk ranch.

needs

my angry pet letter to the editor made it in today's paper. wow, i really am a star!!

yesterday was supposed to be my "GET THINGS DONE" day. except that my boss called and asked me to work for someone. so i did. so i ran errands after work. i preferably like to run them in the morning on a wednesday with the moms in sweatpants, when it's nice and quiet. well yesterday i went at 2 pm. 2 pm on a friday. a terrible time to run errands. i couldn't decide if i wanted to go to TJ or Target first. i regretably chose the latter...

you see, when i got to TJ, i saw, shining in a beacon of light, a mirrored dresser. it was just sitting there waiting for me to buy it. so i skipped over to look at the price. no price tag. so i called a worker over. she couldn't find it either. so she asked the front counter. GUESS WHAT? SOMEONE ALREADY BOUGHT MY MIRRORED DRESSER 5 MINUTES EARLIER. if i would have gone to TJ before Target, the mirrored dresser would be mine. so i had to watch the mirrored dresser that i NEEEEEDED wheel past me to a chubby 50-year-old woman who will probably wrongfully adorn it with doilies and potpurri and shit.

SIGH

i'm always spending money on my family's needs, like underwear for JJ, UTI vaccinations for Chanel and Juicy Couture leg warmers for Cleo. like, i have needs too. I NEEDED THAT MIRRORED DRESSER.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

the least hunted animal

this is literally the funniest thing i have ever seen in my life. EVER. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa

lucky.

mailman frank (who delivers the mail at RW): L, i need you to send your boss an email about Mr. Roberts' forwarded mail.
me: ok.
PN happened to be walking by at the same moment: (whispers) oh boy, he just loves to tell you what to do!
me: yes, some people do.
PN: well honey, i think it's a control issue.
me: yes, some people do have those control issues.
PN: honey, gol darned it, you're lucky i'm not one of those people!
me: heh heh heh (awkward laugh)
PN: and don't you forget it!


HOW LUCKY I AM. HOW FUDGING LUCKY.

good wife, bad gas.

ok so JJ made salmon and black bean tacos again last night (TO DIE FOR--MY FAVE) and they gave me some funkyass smelling farts today. like WHOA. like i let a tiny bit out and it instantly fills my nostrils with green poison gas. then like 30 seconds later i will move in my chair and a little bit more will be released from my pants and it's like BAM! HOLY SHIT something crawled up my asshole and DIED.

on my lunch break i left the building because i just had to get the eff out of here for a bit. so i went to hastings. and i got 2 books. and i had mama mia on blu-ray (SIGH) in my hands. i was going to make JJ watch it. but then i saw major league out of the corner of my eye. and i made the ultimate sacrifice and put back mama mia. i bought major league for my husband because i love him. wife of the year, i know!

anyway, i got back to work and seconds later the farts came back. OY. and right as i was typing an email to JJ to tell him not to let me eat salmon and black bean tacos ever again because my farts are as toxic as weapons of mass destruction, a maintenance man walks by my desk and said, "how was your selection of cheese today?" and laughed. WTF? does that mean he smelled my fart?

THEN, about 10 minutes later, another maintenance man walked by my desk and said, "it smells like incense" WTF?! that was TOTALLY in reference to my fart.

I'M SO EMBARRASSING.

so, basically i'm a really good wife with really bad gas.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Rarrrr.

i am a leo. today my horoscope reads:

"the lion roars and struts his stuff. the issue with that is that often others react to what appears to be arrogant or difficult behavior."

today i am wearing my black dress with the bell sleeves and a V in the back. with black tights and tall boots. probably not my most work appropriate outfit, but i don't give a shit.

and i'm kind of in a january rut where i have a slight 'tude. i spoke with Rah this morning, and she too has a "DON'T FUDGE WITH ME" attitude today (she is wearing a black leather jacket. do you see the parallels?) january sucks.

I AM ROARING. I AM STRUTTING MY STUFF. ARROGANT? SURE.

but i swear, if PN tries to mess with me today.....well, here's what's going to happen:

MY shoes.

ok so last spring i bought these adorable shoes: except mine didn't have laces.



and i love them. they are so cool. like, when i wear them, i feel ultra cool. i have a little extra kick in my step. something about the converse/black/sparkle combo really makes me feel like a badass. especially when worn with torn jeans and a men's t-shirt.

i like the shoes because they are mine. MINE. they represent me outside of the restraining bars of my workplace. my personal life is a separate entity than my worklife. and i like the personal life version of me wayyyy better. my personal life version of me is sacred, you know? i treasure it.

WELL MY PERSONAL LIFE BUBBLE WAS POPPED TODAY.

because what did the fat receptionist (flashback to blog about the fried pork chops and mac and cheese...same person) come into work wearing? MY SHOES. MYYYYYYYYYYYYY FUDGING SPARKLE CONVERSE SHOESSSSSSSSSSSS.

she came to relieve me for lunch.
me: hi. thanks, i will see you in a half hour.
her: now wait jus a secon' thurr honey. take a look at mah new shoes.
me: STARE IN HORROR AT HER SHOES.
her: aren't they purdy?
me: i....i....i....yes....i have...the same ones.
her: you do? wow! i love them! honey, the doctor told me i needed uh paira nice shoes to support mah swollen ankles. and i thought, if ima gonna hafta wear comfy shoes, (as opposed to the VERY uncomfortable yet stylish crocs she HAS been wearing FYI) i thought i would buy some shoes that i could express mahself in. some cute ones.

just kill me. she has ruined the cool personal life version of myself. the picture of the blubbery, white fat skin bursting at the seams of MY shoes will haunt me forever.

secret word

JJ and i went out to dinner on Friday. it was ladies choice. so i chose Sante. a new(ish) restaurant in Spokane. during the day it is a sort of coffee shop attached to a bookstore downtown, and at night it turns into a fabulous little dinner place. i loved it. twas perfect! i had this delicious crepe filled with goat cheese and leeks. and JJ got gnocchi and then we shared the cheese platter. the problem was, and always is when dining with a food-loving man, the portions. THE PORTIONS WERE NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR THE MANLY MAN. we practically almost stopped at taco bell on the way home because he was "STARVING" no, JJ. the people of Haiti are starving. stop being such a drama queen.

anyway, it was the conversation we had AT dinner that was most important. as a couple, we acknowledge the imperfections of our relationship. we are the kind of people who end petty arguments like this: "...WELL GOOGLE IT! THEN WE WILL KNOW WHO IS RIGHT!" now we have a new system. along with google, if we are having a petty argument, one of us will say the "secret word" (which i'm not telling). when the secret word is uttered the arguing must cease and we must give a hug and end it. no buts about it. it's quite like the way i handle arguing betweeen M & S.

but the other night i was whining about the state of JJ's closet. the clutter drives me mad. so we were arguing about the clutter and he uttered the "secret word." so we hugged and ended it. how exciting! it works! the new plan works!

.........except his closet is still cluttered.

hm.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Angry for the Animals of Spokane

today i read this article in the Spokesman-Review:

http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2010/jan/23/animal-control-options-limited/

and that really irks my tank. so i drafted a letter to the editor and had my mom check it. she said i sounded like a Crazy Cat Lady. just what i always wanted to be in life! hah. so i re-wrote it and sent it:


My heart sank as I read the article ‘Animal control options limited” in today’s paper. I’m disappointed enough in city of Spokane voters who rejected the tax to expand animal protection in our area last year. I truly wonder how County Commissioner Mark Richard sleeps at night with his blatant unsupportive stance on an animal shelter tax. As a proud owner of a rescue pet, I beg the question; why doesn't the proper care of our innocent furry friends without a voice of their own hold any precedence? According to our insensitive councilpeople, basic animal rights are not respected enough to gain suitable attention. Shame on you Spokane, for your disgusting lack of compassion.

The Last Straw

wednesday went like this:

i got up at 8:45 am and pulled on a dirty t-shirt. i put on my jazzercise shoes and went into the spare bedroom to see if Chanel was in there. she wasn't. but i will tell you what was: PEE ON THE SPARE BED. and this is the third time. THE THIRD. so i threw an absolute hissy fit and cried and yelled and called my mom. and pulled the mattress and boxpsrings into the garage. and threw away the bedding. and grabbed Chanel and out her face in her mess. and put her outside again. then cried some more. then opened all the windows in the M.H. to air the place out. basically i was about to post FREE CAT TO A GOOD HOME on craigslist.

it was The Last Straw. Not OK. At. All.

but then i thought maybe something was wrong with her. so i called the vet and scheduled an appointment. i explained to them how i was almost 100% positive it was a behavioral problem. they insisted on a urinalysis. here's the breakdown of the costs:

1. veterinary visit: $35
2. urinalysis: $25
3. if the cat does not urinate on its own, the vet has to extract, with a needle, the urine from the cat's bladder: $25 (if applicable)
4. if the urinalysis proves a + for a U.T.I. antibiotic injection: $35
5. if the urinalysis proves a + for a U.T.I. week's worth of antibiotics: $30

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED? HUH? HUH? CHANEL TESTED POSITIVE FOR A U.T.I. so while i was basically being a neglective pet owner, Chanel was in intense bladdery pain. and OF COURSE she did not urinate on her own at the vet, so we had to pay extra for the needle extraction. and GUESS WHAT? Chanel is also up for her yearly vaccinations. there's another quick $100. AND she has to go back in a week for a U.T.I follow-up. i don't think even the damn HUMAN doctor is that thorough.

so i have to put an eyedropper full of liquid that smells like banana laffy taffy down Chanel's throat every 12 hours for a week. i know, i know, what a glamorous life i lead.

the Cs are putting us in the poorhouse.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

it's a hairaucracy.


WHAT?!?!? WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY HAIR?!?! BACK THE FUDGE OFF PEOPLE. i mean, why do i always have the problem of people being too honest about my hair?!?!

PN: good mornin' hun.
me: good morning.
PN: when are you taking out those hair extensions?
me: *stare* .....i'm not wearing hair extensions, this is my real hair.
PN: oh. looks fake.
me: thanks.
PN: ......well, i bought Alan (the CEO) flowers today because it's his birthday.

asidfhjkasdfjklasdfjklasdfjklasdfjkl

Me: Mary (in apt. 729) your hair looks lovely today!
Mary: thanks, i just got a permanent.
Me: well it looks fantastic, i love it.
Bernie the German in apt. 624: well, L, i think your hair looks terrible.
Me: why?
Bernine: because, you usually have it looking nice. today it is not good.
Me: i like it crazy like this, Bernie.
Bernie: well i do not. it is not a good look for you.

rude.

Benjamin Pierre the Terrorist

we had a little visitor on Sunday night. Rah and Nebular's dog, Benjamin Pierre. Benny for short. he is a black/grey/brown Pugapoo. and he is also a terrorist. Rah and Nebular went on vacation, and we watched their little mongrel for a night before taking him to Play n' Stay for the week. Benny and Cleo love playing together. like non-stop, whining, mouth-open playing. they were having a blast. until poor ol' Chanel decided to make an appearance. Benny leapt towards her like a wolf to a bunny. Chanel hissed. Benny growled. it was quite a show.

later that evening, as JJ and i were laying in bed watching Jay Leno (Jay rules. Conan can suck it) we were kissing. i mean, is it a crime to kiss my own husband in bed while watching Jay Leno?!?!? we look over....and there he is: Benny, sitting on the chair next to our bed, wagging his tail with his tounge hanging out. like he literally looked like a teenage boy watching soft-core porn, waiting for something interesting to happen. i was like EW STOP STARING YOU CREEP. ALL YOU'RE GETTING IS AN EYEFUL OF ME IN MY HIGH SCHOOL SWIM TEAM SWEATPANTS. YOU MIGHT GET A PEEK AT MY BUTTCRACK IF YOU'RE LUCKY BUT I WOULDN'T BET ON IT.

we went to bed after that. we put Benny at the end of the bed for the night. we put his blanket down so it would smell like home to him. how thoughtful are we, huh? but ol Benbo wanted to keep playing with Cleo, even though it was 11 pm. Cleo was tired, so she pushed herself all the way against the headboard, smashed between our heads, using us as protection from the terrorist. and Benny woke up. every hour. on the hour. jumped down off the bed barking and growling because Chanel would dare to tiptoe past him. so finally at 4 am, with literally 1.5 hours of sleep left in the night for me, i grabbed the terrorist and i spooned him for the rest of the night. yes, i did. i put my arms around him, and held him tightly. he couldn't release himself from my white-knuckled grip. and so there we were: a handsome man and his dog, with his wife spooning a terrorist. all in one bed.

at 6:20 am sharp, Benny jumped off the bed one last time and beelined it for the door. Cleo followed suit. i let them out. they both peed. and Cleo pooped. then they ran back to the door. i let them in. brushed my teeth. came back out to the living room. and there was a nice pugapoo-size pile of steaming shit by the front door.

thanks, ol Benjamin Pierre. you really know how to show us a good time.

here is a pic Rah took of him:

Monday, January 18, 2010

twins.

ok so i have probably the worst poop cramps ever in life. i just ran to the bathroom to take my 8 o'clock dump 45 minutes late, AND THERE WAS A HIGH SCHOOL KITCHEN EMPLOYEE IN THERE CRYING ON THE PHONE. and i'm like i can't poop while she's in there crying on the phone. i mean, that's just kind of rude. so i sat back down at my desk and leaned over my legs--because i am in SERIOUS pain. poop cramps are the WORST. the worst. and i didn't think anyone was around--you know, because of the holiday, it's kind of quiet. but when the cramps finally subsided, i sat back up. AND ALMOST JUMPED OUT OF MY PANTS! because Evelyn in 344 was just standing there staring at me. like she silently rolled her walker (oxymoron. i can usually hear the walkers 8 miles away) right next to my desk and scared the HELL out of me. when i looked up...i saw that she was wearing the same exact yellow cardigan i bought last week for $7 on clearance at TJ Maxx. now i can be twins with an 89-year-old woman.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

my day off. tres exciting.

yesterday i had the wholllleeeee day off! here is what i did:

5:30 am: JJ leaves the house to go to a business chamber breakfast. as soon as he leaves i lay like a starfish in bed.

9:03 am: wake up. HOLY MOTHER! I WAS TOTALLY SUPPOSED TO GO TO JAZZERCISE THIS MORNING! spend 15 seconds deliberating...because i COULD go at noon. or skip it. BUT NO! i want to go to my favorite morning class. plus i just bought new cool adidas workout pants, GOTTA WEAR EM. so i throw on a sports bra and the new pants and run out the door.

9:20 am: only get to jazzercise 5 minutes late! not bad!

10:15 am: think about going to McD's for an egg and cheese biscuit, but decide that since i already had that veggie cheeseburger after jazzercise on wednesday, i should just go home.

10:30 am: get home. eat cereal. climb back in bed. snugs with Cleo.

11:02 am: oops! accidentally fell back asleep!

11:15 am: start watching phantom of the opera.

12:17 pm: JJ comes home for lunch! eat salmon and black bean tacos YUM then he leaves and goes back to work :(

12:30 pm: am feeling worthless. back to laying in bed.

12:32 pm: start watching phantom of the opera again.

12:55 pm: accidentally fall asleep again.

1:30 pm: finish phantom of the opera.

2:30 pm: start a new book.

3:16 pm: ACCIDENTALLY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN!

4:05 pm: JJ gets home.

4:12 pm: JJ leaves to go visit his friend in Seattle.

4:13 pm: make cheese sandwich. e-mail Rah that i am bored will she come rescue me?

5:13 pm: start reading again.

5:58 pm: start feeling sorry for myself.

6:01 pm: look at my online bank account.

6:05 pm: start singing the songs from phantom of the opera while eating goldfish.

6:15 pm: pick my ping-pong sized zit.

6:45 pm: go to grocery store.

7:09 pm: watch project runway.

8:30 pm: watch will and grace.

9:04 pm: call my parents.

9:35 pm: go to bed.

AM I SO BORING OR WHAT?

the thing about TJ MAXX

i love TJ Maxx it is my very favorite store. the thing about buying things from TJ Maxx is that they are kind of a mystery...i'll show you what i mean.

example 1: i bought a pair of rock and republic jeans there. they were the right size and everything. so cute! and only 70 dollars! (usually $200+) but let me tell you, they have the shortest front zipper ever known to mankind. like, my pubes hang out when i wear them. totally NOT ok. but they are so cute, so i wear them with a long shirt.

example 2: i bought JJ a pair of swim trunks last summer for the honeymoon. size 35. except he tried them on and looked like Jared from subway holding up his old pants. it was HILAR. they were SO BIG!!! and he was all triumphant like he'd gotten skinny, when really the trunks were mistagged or something.

example 3: i bought JJ's dad a bday present: a short-sleeved windbreaker jacket. marked XL. i got it home and showed JJ. he was like "OMG THAT IS LIKE A DRESS" on closer inspection on a different tag...it was a 3XL.

example 4: yesterday i bought this SOOOO cute cosmetics case. it's black patent leather with 14K gold plated zippers. and it had the brand name "Honey" written on the front. so adorable! and it was on final clearance yellow sticker! i love the yellow stickers. it was originally $150 and it was only $20! wow! what a steal! and i'm kind of shocked that i love this cosmetics bag but i haven't heard of the brand before. so of course i go home and google the brand. IT'S A MOM BRAND. it's a brand for "the chic mommy" so basically i bought a fancy diaper/wipe/diaper cream carrier. i lose. but, i'm not going to return it. i figure that when the time comes for me to be a chic mommy, a chic mommy i will be. or maybe probably i will just use it as a cosmetics case anyway...no one will know, right?

hawk food

when i first laid eyes on my cat, she was a wee kitten, weak from the rough life on the side of the freeway. i gave her hope and freedom from oppression. i was living at home the summer i got her. and i hid her from my mom for about a week. until The Day She Had Diarrhea On My New Shabby Chic Duvet. i had to rush down to the washing machine and the secret was out. i should have known right then and there that she wasn't the cat for me.

On Thursday, while putting away JJ's laundry (wife of the year award!), i smelled an awful smell. NO. NOOOOOO. I KNOW THAT SMELL. NO. GOD. DAMMIT. CHANEL. the spare bed. again. pee and poop. like, i clean your putrid litterbox 1-2 times a week. that is plenty. there is plenty of room in there for more pee and poop. STOP DOING IT IN MY SPARE BEDROOM! so i stormed into the living room, got down on my hands and knees, grabbed Chanel by that spot in her neck that supposedly doesn't hurt a cat, and threw her the EFF OUTTA MY HOUSE--er, M.H. and slammed the door. she stood on the doorstep and looked at me through the window, unsure of what to do. i said "FUDGE YOU" and walked away.

then i stripped the spare bed. yet again. and washed the bedding. YET AGAIN. and washed it all a second time, yet AGAINNNNNNNN. and i was so frustrated. because, like, my life would be so much easier without the dirty mongrels i live with. (JJ excluded. he can stay) so i'm making it a PRIORITY that i have a backyard (and hardwood floors) in my next home. that way, i can just kick the animals out while we're gone, and only let them in while we're home. and i think i will permanantly make CHANEL AN OUTSIDE CAT. BECAUSE THIS IS JUST GETTING TO BE GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.

so i was doing laundry. and other important domestic things. like painting my toenails and such. when i hear mewing at the back door. so i walked to the door. and there she was. it had started pouring rain, so she was soaked. absolutely soaked. and her eyes were all wide like she'd witnessed Terrible Things, and she had a twig sticking out of her fur. she ran inside and retreated under the couch.

and i didn't even feel bad.

i hope the next time i put her outside (BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME) she gets eaten by a hawk. she's so fat she would probably feed a hawk family for a week.

cheeseburgers and zits

it's the new year! we are halfway through the month. and my resolutions were to: stop complaining so much and stop online shopping so much and continue my jazzercise regimen.

on wednesday morning i had to babysit. so i babysat. then i came home and cleaned the house. then me and Rah went to the 5:30 jazzercise class and i'm not kidding, there were at least 12 new poeple--THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONERS. they were all like me during my fist class only 80 pounds heavier and 50x more sweaty. barf. after jazzercise, we of course, went to d'lish for some vegetarian cheeseburgers. then went back to Rah's house to drink wine. so basically the jazzercise class was cancelled out by the grease and booze. but oh well, right?

and also i have been growing a ping-pong sized zit on my forehead. the kind where it feels like you hit your head, but really it's just a puss-filled pore?? well i used my oldest trick from my adolescent-cry-and-say "i don't want to go to school because i have so many zits on my face" days: put some toothpaste on it. except i forgot we have toothpaste with scope in it. and when i put toothpaste on the zit, it burned like Hell's inferno. so i screamed and rubbed off the toothpaste off. i was left with a red, irritated, ugly--but minty fresh--forehead.

so that's how i'm starting off the new year? with cheeseburgers and zits? i'm not COMPLAINING, but that's not how i pictured 2010.

come on you fools, tell me what disappointing things YOUR new year has brought you thus far...

bad self-esteem day

on Tuesday, after i posted my last blog, my self-esteem sank into the depths of despair.

PN shouted at me to get her paper. i handed her paper. she shouted "NOT THAT KIND! THE LEGAL KIND!" so i got her the paper and slammed the cabinet. like, would it kill her to say kindly, "could you please get me some legal sized paper?"

right after work i went to work. M & S wanted to put their plastic pool over their heads with the baby underneath. i said no. LIKE, SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPOBSIBLE FOR YOUR DEATH BY SUFFOCATION, THAT WOULD NOT LOOK GOOD ON MY RESUME. then M slammed the door to the playroom in my face and i heard her say to her brother, "i hate L, she is bossy and such a weiner-face." when i opened the door, she knew she'd been caught and she ran out screaming. i let her be, and didn't see her for 10 minutes.

as i was getting ready to leave their house, i reached for my jacket. gone. their mother and i searched for it. where was it? WHERE WAS MY BEAUTIFUL WOOL COAT????!?!?!? stuffed into a bag and into a corner of the dogs' bed. thanks, M.

when i got home i discovered a brown treat that Cleo had left me at the front door. i stepped in it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

january blues

JJ had to go to work early this morning, and obviously i don't know how to use the espresso machine, so i didn't have my soy irish creme latte that JJ makes especially for me. booo! and i'm wearing my mary jane heels that give me blimp foot (i.e. the strap that goes across the bridge of the foot gets tighter and tighter throughout the day as the foot swells, and eventually the foot ends up looking like a giant fat blimp.) and Cleo wouldn't poop outside because it was raining. and i have to work my other job directly after this job. and when i was going to steal a banana from the dining room at work, i realized i couldn't because the kitchen staff were in there. and the Christmas lights are coming down at work. and it's January. and one of my favorite residents fell and had to go to the hospital. and i'm wearing my least favorite pair of underwear. and the polish is chipping off my right index finger.

but i'm laughing now. because i got this e-mail today from one of the other receptionists...

'THE “Y” BUTTON ON KEY PAD STICKS A LOT. Maybe spraying key pad with canned air might help??? Other buttons are almost as bad.'

hahahahahaha. that's because i spilled cranberry juice in the keyboard last week. but you will never know.

also, last week's poll was wonderful! Snoop was an obvious fan favorite, but Cleo came in a rather close second. i'm so happy you all love her.

the countdown begins

i thought i would officially take to my blog in saying...2010 is going to be a very exciting year for JJ, the Cs and me. JJ has a promise of a job promotion, which requires us to move on down to Rancho Coucamonga, CA in the fall. very exciting!

but, my dear readers, this is even more exciting...I AM QUITTING MY JOB AT RW FOR THE SUMMER! my last day is going to be May 11. i am so excited i could pee. i have a countdown in my planner even. only 119 more days and i will be FREE from the PN--my life will be FREE from incidents such as this:

a resident's companion walked by my desk. she is really nice and always says hi to me and she once told me i was pretty. i like her. after she passed, ol PN wobbled to my desk and said to me, "that woman is so odd. she has got to be one of the strangest looking people i have ever seen." i'm staring at PN. thinking about how i'm going to respond. because CLEARLY she gets first place in the swimsuit contest in a beauty pageant, so she has the right to judge the looks of this woman. and when i didn't respond, she said, "please don't think ill of me." DON'T WORRY I WON'T. HOW COULD I? YOU ARE SO KIND AND GENEROUS. YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER.

but let me tell you all something great. on May 11, the day that i escape, i publicly vow to post a picture of PN. a real, live picture of PN in all her glory for you to enjoy!

Monday, January 11, 2010

realizing

1. I’ve come to realize that my body. . .is too sexy for me to be wearing these man sweatpants.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . sux. but i love the residents.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .i have to keep my car on cruise control--even in 25 mph zones--so i don't get another fudging ticket.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . .JJ

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . .my youth. i miss college.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .my dog poops on the floor.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .i'm a hell of a good time.

8. I’ve come to realize that money. . .is dirty.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .are douchebags.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .remember that one time i peed my pants in 7-11.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .are my favorites.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .never going to be as cool as yours.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .i am so sore from jazzercise class.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .me and JJ watched funny farm and ate the most delicious greasy salty popcorn ever.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .about what to wear tomorrow.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .is a man version of me.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . i am euphoric.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . .4-year-old S told me i was bad at ping-pong.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . i did nothing but gmail chat with Moon.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .i'm going to work both jobs.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .kill anthropologie for sending me BROKEN CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .Moon. she's a copycat.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . .is best when Cleopatra is not barfing up industrial sized rubberbands

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . .i am probably going to take my next shower.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .is always taylor swift.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .are crazy mofos.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is only 11 days in, so i don't know yet.

29. I’ve come to realize that my husband. . .has a bum pancreas.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . be nicer to Chanel.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . .my blog.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . Slavic languages

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . life probably consisted of me being a tiger.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . were the best in college.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of the texas chainsaw massacre.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is funny.

blu-ray

so "we" got a blu-ray player for Christmas. i say "we" because it's weird getting joint gifts. and, come on, like i don't care if we have a blu-ray player. SRSLY! the DVD player, the xbox and my second husband (i.e. macbook) both play movies perfectly!

i don't get HD. like i just don't. all i know is that i never want to be in HD, i would probably be ugly.

we got the blu-ray (it pains me to type "blu" like, it's not cool to have bad English) for our California Christmas, so JJ's parents shipped our gifts to us since we couldn't pack them. well, as his luck would have it, JJ's dad accidentally sent our Christmas gifts to one of his clients in Denver. hahahahah! so we just finally got the big box of gifts on friday! tres exciting.

well, JJ hooked up the blu-ray. then he went to Best Buy to get blu-ray movies WHICH ARE LIKE THIRTY DOLLARS COME ON. and came home with three...one of which we already have. i was like "why did you get a movie we already have?" he goes, "i got it for you!" and i said, "oh don't even. that's YOUR favorite movie. don't tell me it's for me." (it seriously really is his favorite movie) and he was like "well it doesn't matter who it's for. it's sooo good on the blu-ray." i said, "how do you know? you haven't even watched a movie on the blu-ray yet." he said, "L! JUST.........JUST WATCH THE MOVIE." so i did. absolutely no difference. so i said, "that was 30 dollars well spent. everything is so very clear."

WHAT MOVIE WAS IT YOU ASK?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

WARNING: MAY/WILL MOST DEFINITELY NEED SUNGLASSES

this was seroiusly mimi and papa's Christmas card picture.

haahahahhaha omg so hilar! JAMS clothing.



probably most hilarious is the photographer's (mom's cousin Emily) shadow. LOL

it's a hard plastic life.

hello kitty cc has really been feeling it lately...

in the matter of a week, she let me use her and abuse her for the following:

1. my bridesmaid dress for LJ's wedding.

2. Cleo's vet visit. BY THE WAY, SHE HAS A YEAST INFECTION IN HER EAR. SO IT COST $200 for the visit and the medicine. Cleo you suck.

3. my NordRack trip with Moon.

4. the Target Rodarte line...big thanks to Mom for helping complete the list of things i HAD TO HAVE from the line.

5. i'm getting my ugly brown roots dyed on thursdayyyy. STICKY Y.

6. Moon and i went out to eat approx. 6 times while she was here...

7. ineededboyfriendjeans


but here is where i saved:

1. i gave Cleo a haircut myself!

2. i put back the $15 bronzer at Target.

3. LJ got us a 10% discount on the bridesmaid dress!

4. the $400 leather vest that i got for $40.

5. i haven't washed my car since summer

6. i paint my own nails and toes.

7. my plan is to eat cheese sandwiches everydayyyyyyyyyyyy for a month to make up for all the eating out i did.

i say it equals out somewhere in there...don't you?

rubberband bile and a best friend

last night Cleo was shivering violently, and since we wasted $500 and the dog spent 27 hours in the pet emergency clinic, we know what that means...

the only thing worse than waking up at 4:45 a.m. to take your bff to the airport with no promise of another meeting in the near future is waking up at 4:35 a.m. to the sound of your dog wheezing and sneezing and eventually throwing up a giant industrial sized rubberband covered in bile. i mean. AGAIN. i swear, if our duvet wasn't white, it would be in the trash right now. and SERIOUSLY WHERE ARE THE RUBBERBANDS COMING FROM?!?! so i put the trusty Disney princess beach towel under the sick dog while i stripped the bed and Oxy Clean Maxforced! the shit out of it, then threw it in the washing machine with 89 cups of bleach and 34 cups of laundry soap.

Cleo was still shivering violently and wheezing (it takes a while for her little body to recover from such a big rubberband) and wouldn't leave my side. she just followed me everywhere i went and sat at my feet looking really (extra) pathetic. (extra because....i gave her a haircut last night. and i kind of botched it. not as bad as a shave, but i mean, it's no professional hairdo. her ears are a little blunt on the ends) pooooor Cleo.

when i got back, a little teary-eyed from dropping off Moon at the airport, i kindly asked JJ to brew me some coffee. he did. and when we walked back to the bedroom, we couldn't find Cleo. we were looking all over, when i finally found her; laying long and sad, with a forlorn gaze, right in the spot where Moon had slept in the spare bed while she was here. and who was right beside her? olllll Chanel.

we all miss you Moon.

Chanel's most favorite thing

Chanel gets grumpier everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy day (the "y" on my work computer is sticky because i accidentally spilled cranberry juice in the keyboard last week ha ha) it seems, and the last time i went to the vet which was on Wednesday, i looked at this chart that said "How Old is Your Pet?" and i figured out that Chanel is actually 46. huh. explains a lot i guess.

she naps a lot. she's putting on weight. she yearns for retirement. all normal 46-year-old stuff. but the one thing that is so so bizarre and weird and doesn't fit the 46-year-old temperment is her obsession with the printer. like everytime she hears it being used she goes all ape shit and runs really fast up to it and stares at it and swishes her tail. when we printed out stuff for the wedding, for instance, it took about 3 hours. Chanel sat erect and wide-eyed the ENTIRE time. she just thinks the printer is the bees knees.

one time in the summer of 07, (the same summer in which she got heat stroke and was shaved like a lion), i went to class, and like always, left Chanel in there with the door closed. when i got back she was sitting on top of the printer and like smiling. i was kind of creeped out. like WHAT CHANEL?! WHAT ARE YOU CREEPILY SMILING FOR?! and i look below her. and what is happening? the printer is printing something. i'm like WTF?!?! this isn't YouTube or Funniest Home Viedos, Chanel! cut it out! upon closer inspection, i see that she is printing out a picture of a sea dragon. A SEA DRAGON. like, i don't even know what to say or do. my cat was left alone in my room for an hour and i come back and she's printing out a picture of a sea dragon.

the sea dragon was an isolated incident, but i still wonder whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? (sticky yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sorryyyy. shoot) why a sea dragon? was she planning my demise? like was she hiring a sea dragon to eat me? i don't know, animals are weird like that.

last night Moon was printing out her baording pass for her flight and YOU GUESSED IT, Chanel pops out from under the bed and rushes over towards her boyfriend the printer. like she never moves quickly. she oafs around usually. but when olll HP Deskjet shows his face, she comes a runnin'. and last night was no different. she sat and stared at the paper gracefully coming out of the machine, and i swear, it was like a scene from a love movie...when the printer was done doing its work, and out came the boarding pass, Chanel placed one single paw on the machine, as if to say, "au revoir my love, until we meet again." i let them have their moment, and then i unplugged Chanel's one motivation for life on this dull planet, and folded him up and put him away. and Chanel skulked lazily out of the room, and the light vanished from her eyes.

court. round 2

i went to court again on friday. for my 457th speeding ticket that i got this summer. i signed up for traffic school then got a letter in the mail telling me that i was not allowed to go to traffic school because of my poor driving record (are my problems beyond being fixed by a middle-aged fat man who plays 1993 VHS vids of traffic rules?!?! oh, the horror!) and that i have to show up to court.

last weekend during my lunch break i was chatting with my fellow employees when i heard, "i have to go to court on Friday for a suspended license." my eyes got all wide and i quickly fumbled through my planner. SAY IT AIN'T SO. PLEASE. oh shiste. i am going to be in court with one of my employees. kill me. now. please just kill me. she is so trashy and she'll probably wear a t-shirt that says "thug chica" or something on it and try talking to me in court. and then the judge will think i run with a bad crowd and sentence me to hard jail time and i will end up with a barbed wire tatto and turn into a chola...

last time i went to court was for my.....collegiate MIP. you know the one. and Moon was with me because she got one with me. (we do everything together) so i obviously made her go this time. and i walked up to the little window looking quite chic and said, "excuse me, sir, which courtroom do i need to be in?" and he said, "are ya here for your DUI case?" i said, "oh, God no." then i felt like i must not look as good as i felt because he assumed i had a DUI.

he told me where to go and Moon and i scrunched together like little peas on the wooden bench. we were surrounded by miscreants. it was actually quite sad. most of them had DUIs. and one guy was sentenced to jail for 90 days. when it was my turn, i stood up and walked up to the table. the judge asked me questions. and i know i was using my Minnie Mouse voice and that my hands were awkward and shaky and uncomfortable and i couldn't figure out what to do with them. he said i could defer the ticket if i paid $75 and manage to not get any other moving traffic violations within the next year. that's quite a risk. but my plan is to use cruise control even in 30 mph zones. the judge also said "good luck" to me and no one else. that's nice. so after my sentence me and Moon GTFOOT.

and when we got in the car i realized: my coworker wasn't in the same courtroom as me! phew...that was a close one. no hard jail time for me...at least not yet.

rough life

i already said Moon was in town. so clearly that meant i was leaving work early on Saturday because i got "sick." and we went to Clinkerdagger happy hour on Friday (which was when the lip slice realllly reopened) and got home and put Cleo in human boots and laughed. then got into bed latelatelate. well yesterday i didn't really think i was going to have to fake sick because i felt awfully hungover and nasty right when i got up. i had to sit with my back against the cold wall for 7 minutes. then i went back to bed until JJ pulled me out and said, "you have to go to work. here, drink this." and he handed me coffee and pushed me towards my toothbrush. i obliged. then i went back into my room, took off my sweatpants, paused, and looked around the room. big sigh. then pulled on dirty brown corduroy pants (why do i always resort to these?!?! they're like my emergency pants. and i have no idea why. i need to throw them out and then they can't be my emergency pants anymore) then i put a cardigan on over my night shirt and went to work.

and found out.....that there's a new computer in the library....AND IT LETS A PERSON GET ON FACEBOOK!!!! omg it's so awesomeeee so i got on facebook for like 15 precious minutes then i erased the computer history and went back to my desk. and i literally do nothing on Saturdays. nothing. so i sat back at my desk. and you know when you're hungover, you just slouch your shoulders and get the shakes? well i was definitely as hunchy as quasimodo, and was shaking like a leaf. i didn't even have the energy to shop online. i just stared at my computer background which is me and JJ on the wedding day looking all lovely. so i just stared and stared. and waited until just the right moment to start doing the sick thing. then the custodian/housekeeper woman (you know, the one whom i had the pleasure of dining with last year? with the shaded man glasses and the plasma needle bruises?) well she came to my desk and started talking to me...then another custodian walked by and she whispered to him, "swshh swhshh down in the courtyard at noon, there's going to be swsh swshhh..." and i couldn't hear the rest. and i was kind of offended because like, come on. i'm sitting right here looking really frail and ugly. why doesn't anyone at least give me a pity invite to this thing in the courtyard?

then i stared some more. i got some energy and used my hand muscles to click my mouse and buy wedding shower gifts for Rah and LJ (!!!) then i got weak and tired again. and stared. then a nurse's aid walked by my desk and said good morning and she walked over to the housekeeper and said, "swsh swsh swsh...courtyard at noon, there's going to be swsh swsh swshh" and i was like OMG WTF?!?! now i'm so annoyed! like, why isn't anyone inviting me?!?! no one likes me. i got really hurt feelings and just kept staring at my computer. isn't that sad?

then something seriously crazy happened. i actually had to work. Col. Findlay in 609 came down to my desk and needed help. WITH. HIS. COMCAST. ACCOUNT. like come ON man, i don't wanna call comcast for youuuuu. puh-leaseeee just give me a break. but i called. the robot voice gave me a wait time of 1 hour, 15 minutes. OMFG. so i got online and live chatted with a representative. and i pretended to be Col. Findlay which was kind of fun because i used old people words like "swell" and "dear". he wanted the sports packaged added to his account so he could watch the gonzaga game. so i instant messaged with a comcast woman who couldn't type english for AN HOUR AND A HALF-----and finally got him the damn sports pacakge. by this time Thais was breathing down my neck to go on lunch break...so i FINALLY went into the bathroom. blew my nose. walked around a little. went poop. put some water on my brow, wiped my blush off my cheeks and grabbed a tissue for extra effect. i walked out of the bathroom lightly dabbing said tissue to my lips. i lied and left.

i felt dishonest and terrible. but i think i'm not the only one who has faked sick before. so i didn't feel so bad. i felt worse about not being invited to the courtyard thing. nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll go eat.....ultimate bagel! and that's precisely where me and Moon went. and it's physically impossible not to smile in ultimate bagel. and you know what smiling leads to: the lip slice---REOPENED--AGAIN. dammit.

Lip Slice

the other day JJ and i were out and about and running errands and such, and before we left he popped a piece of gum in his mouth. oh joy! so i ran over to him and said "ooh, ooh, me too, me too, please!" and he said, "come here and i will pop it into your mouth." the gum was Eclipse, you know, where you push the little white rectangle gum through the foil? well i stood under him with my mouth open and he pushed the gum through the foil alright. and then the foil cut my lip. sliced right through my lip skin like a tissue paper. and so i cried because it stung really bad.

for the next 4 nights i wore my self-concocted night prescription: one layer of original blue chap stick. one layer of target brand neosporin. and one nice, thick layer of petroleum jelly. and OMG my lips were as soft as butter! so smooth and so kissable and perfect. so now i'm obsessed with the night prescription.

the lip slice was healing ever so nicely, and then finally it turned into a lip slice scab. which was kind of weird and gross, but meant that the healing was almost complete! and then Moon came into town to visit. and my night prescription regimen was neglected. and all we did was laugh and laugh and drink wine and laugh and also i bought a badass $400 leather vest that was on sale for $40 which obvi made me smile really quite wide. and all of that commotion caused my lip slice scab to split right open again.

and now i have permanent purple wine stain in my newly reopened lip slice. so the healing must restart. don't make me laugh. and don't find me a good deal on an item of clothing.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

fried pork chop & boxed macaroni, OF COURSE!

the receptionist who covers my lunch breaks (think big. like REAL BIG. sweat pants. crocs. redneck.) is full of unsolicited advice. i mean full. FULL TO THE BRIM. she told me before my break, "now, ima gonna use yer intranet to look up the recipe fer caramel corn." i was like "oh cool. be my guest."

...

when i got back, trying to be nice and make conversation, i said, "so, did you find your recipe for the caramel corn?" she said, "yup. here it is. brown sugar, black syrup and butter." i was like "whoa, that's how you make caramel? that's interesting." she said, "hunny, it's easy. alls ya need is the recipe." i MADE A MISTAKE and said, "oh really? gosh, i wouldn't know, i'm terrible in the kitchen."

AND SHE WENT OFF ON A TANGENT AND I'M NOT KIDDING YOU THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:

"hunny, here's what i tell all people who say they're not good in the kitchen: jus try the box meals. here's what ya do: ya go to the grocery store and buy a boxed macaroni and cheese, (OHMYGHOD IS SHE SERIOUS? LIKE, I KNOW HOW TO MAKE MACARONI AND CHEESE OUT OF A BOX YOU FOOL) and you cook that up. then you take a fryin pan and you spray it with pam. then you get yerself a nice piece of pork chop and put salt n pepper on each side and brown each side in the fryin pan for 4 minutes. then you just cook yerself up some bagged vegetables and you got yerself a nice healthy meal!"

OH REALLY?! is THAT how you stay so trim? by eating fried pork chop and boxed macaroni? thanks.

Monday, January 4, 2010

19 & Crazy

last night JJ and i went on a target run together. which, normally i hate. because i like to wander through target for at least an hour, but JJ rushes me. however, i bring him when target gets a new designer. because he helps me buy only one item from the line. ps. i only bought a pair of knee-high socks from the Rodarte line. but not because i have self-control--BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN MY SIZE IS SOLD OUT.

we arrived at target and got a bag of popcorn. then he disappeared and the next time i saw him he had one single crumb on his lip and when i asked him where all the popcorn went he just shrugged his shoulders. then i got mad at him and started pushing my cart past him. then he put his foot in the front of my cart which caused the cart to stop suddenly, and then caused me to lurch forward and dig my belly into the handlebar. then i yelled "OW" really loud, which embarrassed him so he said, "SHHHHH!" and then we realized everyone was staring at us. the moral of the story is: SHARE THE MOTHERFUDGING POPCORN.

the real story involves the car ride TO target. this song came on the radio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lyge7Xpa8B8&feature=related

so i said in a nostalgic way, "OH, i miss being 19 and crazy!!!" and JJ got all quiet for like 5 seconds. then he was like "ummmmm....excuse me, but you were not 19 and crazy." and i was all "UH YES I FUDGING WAS. HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME WHEN I WAS 19." he said, "exactly. if you were 19 and crazy, i would have known you, because i was 19 and crazy." i said, "NO YOU'RE WRONG. I WAS CRAZY WHEN I WAS 19. I WAS COOL GOD DAMMIT. AND I KNEW WHO YOU WERE. BECAUSE I SAW YOU AT PARTIES!" he said, "well i didn't notice you." so i said, "OHMYGHODDDDD COULD YOU BE ANY RUDER?!?!?!?!?!?" he said, "i'm not being rude, i'm just telling you that you were NOT 19 and crazy. sorry, L, but you weren't." for some reason i just got totally offended by this argument. like, come on. i was totally 19 and crazy. me and Rah would do all sorts of crazy things. so i said, "OHMYGHOD. PLEASE JUST LET ME THINK I WAS 19 AND CRAZY! LET ME HAVE THIS GOD DAMN COUNTRY SONG. I WAS 19 AND CRAZY. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY AND THAT'S FINAL." he just laughed at me.

i was 19 and crazy right? please comment with a story of something crazy i did when i was 19. you're my friends. you know me. tell him. please can we show JJ how WRONG he is?!??!!?!? huh? huh?

so far i have:

1. me and Rah got written up and sent to Catholic Alcohol Class for having 70 beers in our room.

2. stayed up til 1 a.m. most nights.

3. got a C in math.

4. .........

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Giant Pad

my monthly gift came a little early. at work. this morning. so i looked into my bag for a remedy. DAMN! empty. so i went into the women's locker room (yes, i said locker room. my normal secret bathroom does not have tampon machines bc all the ladies who live here obviously are too old to have their periods) at work to purchase a tampon. so i went into the locker room. someone in the righthand stall. so i walk to the mirror and fix my hair and pretend to look vain and/or busy. the righthand stall lady comes out and washes her hands and leaves. i quickly look left then right and ran with my wallet to the machine. i put a quarter into the machine and twisted. nothing. so i twisted harder. nothing. so i read the sign on the machine. "if nothing comes out after you put in the quarter, do not force the machine, call maintenance." YEAHFUDGINGRIGHT i'm not going to call effing maintenance to come unlock the effing tampon machine. so i hit it. nothing. askljflksfdljkasdfl;kjsafd well i don't want to ruin my underwear. i have 2 options: wad up toilet paper and place it in the crotch area of my undies, or..............do the unthinkable: buy. a. pad. or "napkin."

i regretably chose the latter.

it came out. in a BOX. its own individual box. i looked left. i looked right. all clear. because i mean, buying a pad is 1000x times more embarrassing than buying a tampon. then i ran with my pad box into the stall. i pulled back the opener tab and ohmyghoddd. it was like an airbag deployment. the pad shot out of that box like a god damn rocket. then the wings tri-folded out and then came the front and back compartments. it was like George Jetson's car. you know? when his car folds into his briefcase? well that's exactly like the pad in the box--only in reverse. like i couldn't believe all that pad came from the tiny box. then i looked at it. i have seen Big Pads before. i have USED Big Pads before. but never, in all my years of "womanhood," had i seen anything as Big As This Pad. and i was like OMFG this will not fit on the crotch part of my undies. like, no way. NO WAY. but, again, my options were, the toilet paper or the Giant Pad.

i put the Giant Pad in. if i start bleeding from my bellybutton or the middle of my back, i will be covered. if i start bleeding from either hip, i will be covered. if i start bleeding ANYWHERE on the lower-half of my body, i am covered. literally i am covered. covered in Giant Pad. so i tucked the Giant Pad into my pants and flushed and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. "swunch, swunchhy, swishny," went my pants. OMFG. i can actually HEAR THE GIANT PAD. i can hear the pad crumpling around with each step. i wash my hands and swiunch my way over to the full-length mirror. OMFG I CAN SEE THE GIANT PAD THROUGH MY PANTS. granted, they are thin pants, but still. i can see the outline of the Giant Pad through my pants. so i took a deep breath. i tucked my hand into my pants in a sad attempt to smooth out the Giant Pad. to no avail. so i swiunched to my desk and sat down.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. IT'S LIKE I'M SITTING ON A COUCH. LITERALLY. A GIANT FEATHER-FILLED COUCH. HOW LUXURIOUS!

i think i quite like this Giant Pad.

new years 2009

JJ, Cleo and i were packed and ready to go to KitKat's house for NYE 2009. i had made double batches of both my favorite delicious bean dip, and fried cheese raviolis. basically we were SET.

the plan was to leave at 3 pm. 2 o'clock rolls around and the pass report says "snow, slush and ice, 4-8 inches of snow expected overnight." we swallowed our worst fears (i.e. getting stuck in Seattle and having to take the 8-hour trek home through Portland like last year) so we got in the car and started off. we got like 6 miles. we were all silent in the car. it was snowing hard and the roads were slippery. we collectively decided to turn around and cancel the trip :-/

i called the gang (i.e. KitKat, KKiss, LJ and Sam) to tell them the sad news, then dialed Rah's number and said, "so what are we doing tonight?"

we all had a quiet, almost-adult-like NYE. JJ and Nebular went to the GU game and Rah and i stayed home and watched sex and the city whilst drinking mimosas. then we all went to a new bar in Spoke, where we saw my high school vice-principal. i mean, come on!!! and in the bathroom i stole a cool bar glass. (shutup i said the night was ALMOST-adult-like.) we drove downtown to watch the fireworks, wherein which i fell asleep before midnight. JJ shook me awake for a stale, i-just-took-a-10-minute-nap kiss, and we went home to bed. all in all, a fun but subdued evening.

we woke up the next morning with appetizers up the ASSHOLE. now we will be eating them everyday for lunch for a week.

on Janurary 1, me and JJ got the whole day together! we never ever get that unless we're on vacation, so it was wonderful to spend the whole day with him. (today i work from 7:30-3 and again from 4-8) i got in the mood to organize my life. i cleaned out my closet (!!!) 3 garbage bags full of clothes to go to the Goodwill. what a feat! i guess it's time to go shopping, you know, so i can fill all those empty hangers?

this morning, it was back to the olllll salt mines. and Bernie in 624 with the German accent greeted me at 7:42 am with, "happy new year L, did you get drunk?"
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