Monday, March 29, 2010

a sticky situation

JJ and i went to a mexican dinner last night. obvs i got a cheese enchilada and a peach margarita. JJ got like the grande macho XXXL burrito. we basically rolled out of there we were so full.

but apparently that was not enough to satisfy my husband.

you see, after dinner he drove across the street to starbucks. i thought "oh, huh. coffee. that's great. he loves an after-dinner coffee." so i stayed in the car.

JJ COMES OUT WITH A GRANDE CARAMEL FRAPPUCINO WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM

and i was like "come on JJ. you just had the biggest burrito ever in life, what are you doing!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

he just glared at me and drank the 8,000,000,000 calorie drink.

this morning i got into my car to go to work.

and my steering wheel was sticky.

MY STEERING WHEEL WAS STICKY. LIKE I LITERALLY COULDN'T EVEN DRIVE BECAUSE THERE WAS STICKY SHIT ALL OVER IT.

FROM WHAT YOU ASK??!?! HUH!?!?! HUH?!?!? FROM WHAT?!?!

the grande caramel frappucino with extra whipped cream.

gambling and me

saturday night was BIG NIGHT OUT for me. Rah and i accompanied her mother and grandmother to the Kenny G concert at the casino.

things learned about Kenny G

1. Kenny G weighs 130 pounds.
2. Kenny G maintains his curls unbelievably well.
3. Kenny G once held his breath for 45 minutes and 47 seconds.
4. Kenny G's fans are mostly old. Rah and i were the only ones there in the 20-30 age group.
5. Kenny G still has a saxophone he got when he was 12.

we got to the casino and immediately noticed that in order to fit in with the general flow of the place we would have needed to wear: blue jeans with tennis shoes and a wet seal "going out" top. damn.

we had a while until the concert started so we sat down at some slot machines. now, let me tell you about the two times in life i have ever gambled...

gambling experience #1:

twas the eve of my 18th birthday and my father wanted to take me to a casino. the caribbean casino in yakima to be exact. this casino is literally painted pink and turquoise and has neon palm trees stuck to the side of the building. it is appalling. like the tackiest building you have ever seen in life. here's a visual:



anyway, since it was my birthday, my dad gave me $100. i sat down at the black jack table and during the first hand the dealer yelled at me for setting my hands too close to his cards.

3 minutes later.

me: "dad. all of my money is gone."
dad: "well, that's gambling!!!"
me: "no seriously dad. i just lost $100 in 3 minutes. how is that real?"
dad: "L, that's what gambling is."
me: "I WANT MY MONEY BACK DAMN IT. I COULD HAVE BOUGHT A NEW OUTFIT WITH THAT MONEY."
dad: "too bad."
me: "GET ME THE FUDGE OUT OF HERE."

and i never went back to that trashy establishment.

gambling experience #2:

family vacation in Costa Rica in August of 2007. my cousins and my dad and my uncles and i all went to a casino where Latin hookers stood outside and tapped on the windows all night. clearly we did not use American money. i did not know anything of Costa Rican currency. therefore, when my screen read "ganas" which is Spanish for "you win" i totally freaked and cashed out. i was so happy. i cashed out and coins flooded out of the machine and into my cup and hands. everyone was staring at me jealously. i triumphantly walked to the counter and said, "i'd like this in American dollars please." the woman gave me $3.50. THREE DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!? it was a penny machine. a GOD DAMN COSTA RICAN PENNY MACHINE.

needless to say, at the casino on saturday night, i gambled a whole of $7. it was lost completely. but we did get free diet cokes for playing.

i mean, who cares, 7 dollars is like nothing. except that it's not. it's seven dollars. i could have bought something with 7 dollars.

the profound difference between having a shopping addiction and having a gambling addiction: WHEN THE MONEY IS GONE, I WILL HAVE CLOTHES. THE GAMBLER WILL HAVE NOTHING BUT A FULL BLADDER FROM THE FREE DIET COKES.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

JJ's favorite



i just asked JJ to vote on the "favorite baby Easter animal" poll and he said:

"hmmm....well to be honest with you, i like the egg. yeah, the egg. and it also comes in chocolate form. i mean, come on L, nothing's better than a Cadbury."

me: stare. stare. stare. "come on, J. you did not just say that." (the man SERIOUSLY loves chocolate more than a woman on her period) "A CHOCOLATE EGG IS NOT A BABY EASTER ANIMAL."

JJ: "FINE!!!!

pause.


duckling."

Saturday, March 27, 2010

skinny jeans

one of my fellow receptionists, 70-year-old Thais (if you need a refresher, click here) asked me, "where can i get skinny jeans that will be long enough for my legs?"

she truly said that. and i stared at her for a moment. because i mean. come. on. a 70-year-old in skinny jeans?!?! AND she was bragging about her long legs. i was like "nordstrom." and she said, "really? anywhere else?" and i said, "well you could try Target or mayb--" she cut my off "i think i will check Wal-Mart."

you do that, Thais. let me know what you find.

Puppy Class Round 2

basically it's an excuse to hang out with Rah for 2 hours every Tuesday. BUT, we pack Benjamin Pierre and Cleopatra into the car and take them to The Lilac City Dog Training Center which is essentially a giant warehouse painted purple with framed pictures of showdogs from floor to ceiling.

we sit down with our dogs. Benny sits quietly next to Rah's legs. Cleo wiggles around and chokes herself and whines at me to play with the ugly mutt to our right. so i have to put her in my lap. the instructor instroduces herself and her dog "Cozy." Rah looks to her right and sees 5 framed show dog pictures of Cozy herself. we giggle silently. instructor announces she has had a hysterectomy, and gestures to her swollen middle. awkward.

we practice "sit." which Cleo and Benny have both mastered. hoorah! we practice "down." Cleo struggles. Benny performs beatifully. we practice "stay." Cleo struggles. Benny performs beautifully. we practice walking on a leash. Cleo struggles. Benny performs beautifully. so you see a pattern here? my dog is the only one who sucks in the class. my fault or her fault? i walk over to Rah for a chat (i.e. I ASK HER WHY DOES MY DOG SERIOUSLY SUCK?!) and Benny and Cleo start making out. the instructor comes over and says "i would like to see Cleo do this one." and she fails perfectly for her. so she takes the leash off Cleo and gives me "the trainer stick for dogs who have trouble walking on a leash." Cleo is the only one who had to use the trainer stick. it is quite embarrassing and i can't even explain the daunting pressure that comes with a dog who is the dumbest in class. i can only hope my children are smarter.

on the drive home, we stopped at d'lish for dinner and i said, "Rah, you are so lucky. Benny was so perfect during class, doing all the commands right." and she said, "yes, except Benny sucks at life. he is a terrorist who knows how to open door handles with his paws. at least Cleo only sucks in class. she is great at life."

and i looked at my happy little dog with her tounge hanging out in the back seat and i gave her a french fry. dumb little darling. but Rah is right, she is a sweet dog and i do love her.

Tuesday PN

Tuesday 3/23: PN stuggles to breathe as she walks to my desk with a 3 lb. box, wearing a turquise scarf tied too tightly around her bulging neck.

PN: "would you like a RW lanyard, L?"
L: (FUDGE NO!) "of course, thank you!"
PN: "it's for your nametag........where is your nametag?"
L: "oh, i, uh...it's at home. i already have a name plate here at my desk."
PN: "but you're not always at your desk, are you?" *
L: "yeah, actually i mostly am."
PN: "well no you're not. you need to wear your nametag."
L: "OK"
PN: "STOP BLUSHING AND JUST WEAR YOUR NAMETAG."

*can we all recall the story of how PN got her name? i went to the bathroom and SHE YELLED AT ME FOR LEAVING MY DESK. now she is telling me that i am not always at my desk. &*#%@##$@%^

exactly one month from today i shall be free. ONE MONTH. hopefully i can last that long without crawling under PN's desk and tying her shoelaces together.

retaining good teeth with retainers

FIRST RETAINER:


CURRENT RETAINER:


i'm glad i have one honest snaggle-toothed reader. and so many of you who wear your retainers to keep your teeth looking fabulous! KUDOS!

KKiss got invisalign and now her teeth are as straight as an arrow! she is really good at wearing her retainers to keep her teeth in place. LJ is a nightguard wearer, so every night she sticks that bad boy in her mouth for a restful night of sleep. the weekend of retainer-wearing in Arizona got me thinking about my own retainers and their possible whereabouts.

in 7th grade i got braces. with them, i got a retainer. orange glow-in-the-dark. it was awesome. SO AWESOME. i would stare at myself in the mirror with my retainer in and i would turn off all the lights and make scary ghost sounds. well the day came in 7th grade when we all had to dessect frogs. i popped a piece of gum in my mouth and started cutting mine and Jeremy Engleman's frog. BLAST! i has forgotten the retainer was in. and the gum stuck to it. since my hands were all frog-gutty, i just spit the retainer-and-gum wad into a piece of paper towel and set it aside to deal with later. you know what happens next, i accidentally throw away my retainer with the frog guts and THERE AIN'T NO WAY IN HELL I'M DIGGING THROUGH FROG GUTS TO FIND MY RETAINER (however, come to think if it, i should have asked LJ. the little weird child keep a piece of her frog in her pocket for months. yes, like, literally a piece of her frog. some unknown inside part. she washed it off and put it in her pocket. i'm sure she would not have minded digging through the guts to find my orange glow-in-the-dark retainer). anyway, i had to get a new retainer. and it wasn't glow-in-the-dark. it sucked and was boring dark purple.

so i got home and dug through our bathroom cabinet looking for my sparkly teal retainer case holding the retainers i hadn't worn since i was 19. AND I FOUND IT! i couldn't believe it. i brushed them and stuck them in my mouth. no cigar. they didn't even kind of fit! (SORRY MOM AND DAD) so i have been wearing them every night, and i'm on day 6 and slowly but surely they are forming my teeth back into tip-top shape. JJ laughs at me when i wear them because i accidentally spit and drool and get an enormous lisp. but i think he thinks they're secretly sexy. HA HA JUST KIDDING. i tell him he has no room to talk. because he had braces. and he literally has the bottom teeth of a troll. i can say this mean comment because it is his own fault that his bottom row is snaggly. basically we are probably going to have to pay for JJ to get invisalign so that he can maintain a professional apparearance. also, Readers, did you know JJ has 2 fake teeth? IT'S TRUE! isn't that cool? when i tap them with my fingernail they make a different sound than a real tooth.

anyway, the point of this blog is: WEAR YOUR RETAINER! i think Dr. Cachiotti would appreciate me promoting this ideal.

profound underwear thoughts.



LJ got a nice frilly white pair of underwear from Sam that say "Bride" on them. they are so adorable. LJ herself got me a hot pink and rhinestone pair of Bride Underwear for my weddin. i wore them to the rehearsal and they were just so cute and fun.

...

since LJ got a new pair, it made me think of my own pair. after i got home from Arizona, i dug around in my underwear drawer until i found them. when i pulled them out, i smiled. but then i noticed: some rhinestones were missing and there was a tear in one of the ruffles. i still love them and will probably keep them forever, but i was a little sad that they were worn out. LJ has her shiny new, never-been-worn pair with the tags still attached, and mine are old. 8 months old. 8 months of marriage old. so instead of being sad, i smiled a secret, knowing smile. because mine are SUPPOSED to be old. they are special. the missing rhinestones and torn ruffle represent the fact that me and JJ have endured the first year of our marriage with ups and downs and wonderful memories.

we have almost passed The Newlywed Stage that LJ is about enter with her finace (AND her fancy brand-new Bride Underwear) and i couldn't be happier for them. i feel so blessed to have my own tired pair of Bride Underwear and my delightful husband.

how fairytales really end

these are FANTASTIC:

CINDERELLA:


SNOW WHITE:


SLEEPING BEAUTY:


BELLE:


JASMINE:


LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD:


ARIEL:

Thursday, March 25, 2010

vote

which "sitting on the ground" pic is better? the original? or this one?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

i left my heart with Anton and the mechanical bull

LJ's bachelorette. where shall i begin?

one day we walked to CVS to buy infant-sized inflatable innertubes a 30 bomb. we took turns carrying back to Sam's apartment (me excluded of course. i can't even carry my own purse without complaining). we sat by the pool and enjoyed that 30 bomb to the fullest extent. we got a tad bit crisp, but didn't even care.

after, we went inside and watched..........Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. i know, i know. we ended up watching 2 whole seasons on the trip.

the first night we went out, LJ wore a white taffeda minidress and a glow in the dark weenie pacifier around her neck to a bar with a mechanical bull. the rest of us wore black dresses. we were quite the eye-catching team, hence the insta-VIP treatment and free shots. LJ got a free carafe (CARAFE!!!) full of the drink AMF (look it up). the rest of us bought $17 (SEVENTEEN DOLLAR) carafes full of Long Island Iced Tea.

the end of our time at that bar resulted in one free bull ride for each bachelorette party member, two free rides for some. and one collective crush on the bull-helper-upper named Anton. we got free shots, lots of attention and LJ didn't even spill anything on the white dress! fabulous! then we took a golf cart to the next bar. KitKat clumsily fell on the ground and shouted at me, "L WHY DID YOU PUSH ME DOWN?!" and when we got into the Pussycat Doll Lounge, LJ and i were separated from the rest, and i panicked. all i could see were Guidos and stripper poles. and i swear, every other person looked like KKiss from the back. we finally met up with them but KitKat and i had to gracefully bow outside for a breather. we took a cab home and PTFO. everyone got a bed but me. everyone always says "LETS PUT THE SKINNY ON THE COUCH" well guess what? LJ weighs less than me. it was her bach party so she got a bed, but next time she's on the couch. no excuses.

mornings consisted of KitKat and me waking up at 7:30 a.m. KitKat would let forth a giant eruption of a fart and we would laugh, causing KKiss to yell at us angrily.

one day we all wanted in n out. you see, Sam doesn't have a car. so we were somewhat limited. we took the bus to ASU then walked 1 mile. just to silently shove the greasy goodness into our mouths and walk the 1 mile back to the bus. i mean, does it get any fatter than that? i guess we lost some calories while walking...

the second night we went out, we literally went to a bar stuck in the year 2001. it was full of terrible fashion and terrible looking people. but nonetheless we had an amazing time! (Readers, i wore my "i'm so blogging this" tank!) we danced around literally ALL NIGHT LONG, it was so much fun. we got home and ate. Sam woke up with pepperoni in her bed. nice.

the weekend consisted mostly of laying by the pool, partying and watching Newlyweds. the last day was spent eating foot-long sandwiches by the pool and trying to pack our suitcases with massive hangovers. the taxi came to pick us up from Sam's..........................andwetookthetaxiwithallofoursuitcasestoinnoutonelasttime. pathetic losers are we. we took one last cab to the airport, and we parted ways.

i got home and JJ had cleaned the house and it was practically sparkling. a long weekend with the girls was much needed, but now it's back to reality. however, the repurcussions of the trip (i.e. bullriding) are still reverberating in the form of muscle pain throughout my entire body.

cheers, LJ. twas a success.

bull riding pics will not (ever) be posted. here's what you get. everything is G rated.



Tuesday, March 16, 2010

i swallowed a whole taco.



well, JJ made me my ultimate favorite last night for dinner since i will be gone for 5 whole days. i am going to miss my hubblestiltskins! it's weird to be away from him so long.

anyway, he made me SALMON & BLACK BEAN TACOS WITH SOUR CREAM AND SALSA VERDE. thank GOD i have a husband who cooks. srsly. would die (i.e. flashback to junior year: the lonely year: eat only spaghettios and toast) without him. AND GUESS WHAT? he drove me to work today because right after work, he is going to pick me up and take me to the airport to head to AZ, and guess what he is going to have waiting in the front seat for me??? SF SOURDOUGH. i love love love that man.

anyway, we had one last taco left last night, so we both eyed it and finally he said, "just eat it for a snack tomorrow at work." i was like HELL YES I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT. so i popped it in my purse this morning. well, i'm extra giddy today, and trying to get Cleo organized...you see, friends, i...am...SIGNING HER UP FOR ANOTHER DOG CLASS! small dog beginning obedience. LAUGH OUT LOUD. Rah and i are signing all the pups up to whip them into shape (we all know Cleo has potty training issues. and yesterday, Rah proudly announced that her puppy Frankie no longer pees on the carpet. well in the hour and a half i was at their house, ol Frank managed to piss on the carpet a total of 3 times. dog classes=necessary)

well anyway, 9:45 rolls around. 9:45 a.m. and my tummy starts to rumble. (i didn't have coffe this morning to fill me up--don't want to get the poops on the plane, you know?) and i am feeling a little antsy and crazy this morning because i just want to GTFOOH AND GO TO ARIZONA ALREADY. so what did i do? WHAT DID I DO YOU ASK!?!??! i snatched The Last Taco and i hunkered under my desk and i shoved that shit in my mouth all at one time. i stuffed it all in. i realized just as i did so, that it was probably not the best idea ever in life. BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS?! the phone rings, a resident comes to my desk to buy stamps, someone comes in to turn in a job application AND the HR manager walks by. SIMULTANEOUSLY. THIS ALL HAPPENS AT ONE TIME. so everyone literally has to watch me chew the taco and swallow. and i seriously only chewed 3 times before i swallowed. like a snake. you know, when it like swallows a whole sheep on animal plant and you're like WHOA! HOW DID YOU DO THAT SNAKE?!?! well i did that with a taco. i swallowed the taco whole. and it scratched my throat on the way down and i didn't even get to enjoy it. everyone around my desk just stared at me. i quickly wiped the lettuce from my face and said, "well, sorry about that. i was a tad bit hungry. now, how can i help you?"

somebody please help my poor soul.

Monday, March 15, 2010

PN's Boast.

OMFG HAHAHAHAHHAHA I HAVE A HILARIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS STORY:

the PN went on a cruise last week. and now she's back. and when i walked into her office this morning, i seriously almost had to put sunglasses on. she SCARED me. she was wearing a white billowing blouse, yellow capri pants and wearing all sorts of tacky turquiose jewelry. you know, the kind where it's like a silver dolphin shape with a turquoise opal-y type stone in the middle?? and she had her fake nails painted a shocking pink and had pale pink lipstick on. her hair was a little bit crazy-like...the ends were crimped and SHE LITERALLY WAS AS TAN AS A CHARACTER ON JERSEY SHORE. LIKE OMFG. SHE LOOKED LIKE HER CRUISE WAS ON THE SUN. she looks like an old piece of leather. she basically was screaming "HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME I JUST WENT ON VACATION!" and she started talking extremely loud (so everyone would hear and be interested) about how her tour guide on the catamaran looked like Fabio and that he was "breathtakingly gorgeous" and i almost DIED laughing. i had to cut her off when she started talking about her snorkeling instructor's beautiful body..."I'M GLAD YOU HAD FUN ON VACATION, BYE!" and 20 minutes later she walks out to my desk and says, "did i show you what i bought myself?" and shoves her dolphin-turquoise jewelry in my face. and then she was like "CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU MY PICTURES!"

really PN? don't you know that rule? no one gives a flying F about another person's boring vacation pictures.

she seriously wanted the entire office to go to her desk and stare at her all day asking her questions about her trip. it was so nauseating. like, don't try and make people jealous. like all any of us ever wanted in life was a vacation. DON'T RUB IT IN. go take your tanned skin and pink nails and shove them up your ass!

Sea World Sick

last night my friend Sabby and i went to the Chiefs last league game. so we are almost done with him being gone all weekend every weekend! and we are almost done with me being gone all weekend every weekend! hoorah! this summer JJ and i are seriously going to get sick of each other because we will actually get to spend our weekends together. weird! we are so used to seeing each other only in the afternoons/evenings. the only time we ever eat breakfast together is when we're on vacation.

anyway, Sabby and i went to Clinks happy hour before the game. and. let. me. tell. you. i am NEVER going to Clinks ever again. we got crab cakes and scallops and pomegranate margaritas. it was really good, and we had a lot of fun! then we went to the game for like an hour and a half and left early because we were bored. then we went to her boyfriend's house (these are the two that fell in love at our wedding awwww) and we drank some wine and i found dog toenail cutters and i tried to cut my thumb nail with them and now my thumbnail is all jaggedy. anyway, when JJ picked me up from Sabby's bf's house, he pulled out into the road and OMG A HORN HONKED AND HE REALIZED THAT WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS A 2-LANE ONE-WAY ROAD WAS ACTUALLY A REGULAR ROAD! AND HE WAS ON THE WRONG SIDE! we almost died. but not really.

then i called Moon. and then we went home. and went to bed. then in the middle of the night i had to run to the bathroom because i felt SO SICK. and i kept burping crab cakes and scallops and pomegranate margaritas. i was all sweaty and hunched over laying on the ground by the toilet. i literally had no idea which end was going to blow. and JJ brought me a pillow, how nice. the only time i ever remember feeling that sick was when my family was on vacation in San Diego when i was like 14 and this happened to me one night in the hotel room. the next day i couldn't even walk because i was so weak. so i had to sit in a wheelchair while we were at Sea World. then i thought i was feeling better, so my mom let me have a churro, and i threw up the churro during the seal show. i haven't eaten a churro since. there is a picture of me sitting all gaunt and sickly in the wheelchair at Sea World, and it is a very embarrassing picture.


(that's me. get it? it's a sick fish. Sea World Sick. ha ha i'm funny)

ANYWAY, i was feeling Sea World Sick last night in the bathroom. finally i fell asleep on the floor and when i woke up i felt totally fine and went back to bed. didn't even need to use the toilet. i think i was poisoned by the crab cakes and scallops. and Sabby too because she said she woke up in the night hunched over and sick as well.

and my stomach is making awful churning noises that are very threatening, but i still have not had to visit the toilet. i'll let ya know when the explosion happens, k?

Prequel to Arizona

you know when you get your hair done and the next time you wash it, you try to recreate what the genius salon woman did, but you just can't? THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. so i make a point of not washing my hair for DAYS after i get my hair done because it looks so great. i'm on day 3 now...in case you were wondering.

i packed for Arizona this weekend! yay! and i proudly fit everything into my teeny tiny adorable black quilted hearts carry-on-sized Betsey Johnson suitcase. and i packed The Vans. ha ha ha friends, you have to deal with The Vans. for those of you who don't know, The Vans housed my feet throughout Europe in the summer of 2008, sans socks. you can imagine for yourselves how they smell. i brought them when we all went to Vegas and everyone made fun of me/hated me because of The Vans. so now it's NECESSARY for me to pack The Vans whenever possible. i put baby powder in them though, so they should be OK.

it is also tradition for us (me, LJ, KKiss, KitKat & Sam) to wear all black whilst the Bride or Birthday Girl or Person of Celebratory Occasion wears something colorful or outrageous (i.e. black tutu that i wore on my 21st birhday, which prompted my dad to ask "L, where are your pants?") anyway, we are going to Arizona for LJ's bachelorette party! woohoo! Last Fling Before The Ring (so cheesey). she will be wearing a fluffy white bridey dress and we got her lots of penile paraphernalia to embarrass the shit out of her, and we have been crafting our asses off to create wonderful fun things for the week/weekend.

i leave tomorrow directly after work, and i couldn't be more thrilled! JJ is picking me up and taking me to the airport tra la la! and i'm going to spend a night with his sister E and her family and we're getting our nails done! then it's off to Sam's with the girls on St. Patrick's Day! it's supposed to be 80 degree weather while we're there! Sam doesn't have a car, but we SERIOUSLY DO NOT MIND BEING STRANDED AT THE POOL! except we might take the bus to in n out. obvs. helllz yeah! i'm so ready to rock n roll. woohoo!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Daylight Savings

yesterday was supposed to be a Date Night for me and JJ. but we decided to "stay in" instead. so we went to super1 and dug through their $6.99 DVD bin and bought JIM CARREY'S "Yes Man!" which i absolutely love. then we went to hastings. and they had a buy one DVD get the second for $1 sale going on, so we bought "I love you, Man" and "License to Wed" and "Uncle Buck" and "White Men Can't Jump" so, yes, we literally bought 5 movies yesterday. we WERE going to go to Alice in Wonderland in 3D. but we bought 5 DVDs for about the same price! talk about a deal!

then we went to our fave spot SF Sourdough for some to-go sandwiches. on the way home we passed some green-clad fellows teeter-tottering down the street and i looked at JJ and we said, "awwwww....St. Patrick's Day Drunks!" and we reminisced.

and we got home and hunkered down on the couch with the Cs and vegged out for the night. all in all, it was an absolutely fan-fudging-tastic eve.

before bed, i set my alarm for 5:15 a.m. just in case my cell phone clock didn't change with daylight savings.

and when my alarm went off at 5:15 a.m., it really was 5:15 a.m., which really felt like 4:15 a.m. and my body was confused so i rolled over and JJ breathed his dragon poop-encrusted breath in my face and i almost vomited. so i said OMG JJ EW DON'T BREATHE ON MY FACE and he got mad and got up to pee. then i had to pee. and he left the toilet seat up. so i shoved it down with force. then i got back into bed and Cleo wanted to lick my feet. then i couldn't sleep. and when i finally fell asleep, JJ started snoring and it sounded like a fornicating walrus. and so i told him to roll over but he didn't so i had to roll him over myself, and in the process he once again breathed his dragon poop-encrusted breath in my face which could literally kill flowers. and i almost vomited again. so i called out in defeat and then finally FINALLY i went to sleep. 5 minutes later my alarm went off. for reals this time.

i. hate. daylight. savings.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Forgetful vs. Senile



JJ woke me up at 7:10 a.m. i thought my alarm was set for 6:15 a.m. but alas, it was 6:15 p.m. I MEAN HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE ALL DONE THAT!?!?!?!?!??!

i am supposed to leave for work at 7:10 a.m. so i leapt out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw some makeup on my face. JJ tossed me together a lunch and i put on some clothes and was out of the house by 7:20 a.m. AMAZING! and i look pretty good, too. i got to work at 7:32 a.m. phew! it was a damn miracle.

then i went to open the safe to get the cashbox out to open the desk....and i froze. i forgot the code. I FORGOT THE CODE TO THE SAFE. after 1 year and 6 months of working here, i forgot the safe code. so i ran back to the desk and tried to look it up in the "information for receptionists" book. no dice. so i pretended i was just walking to the safe for the first time and tried to let the memory in my fingers do the work. no dice.

so i literally had to stand at the desk for like 5 whole minutes to get myself together and focus my energy on being calm and normal.

the last time something like this happened to me was my junior year in high school. i came to school one day and i walked to my locker and i just stood there. staring at it. i had totally forgotten my locker combination. like just plum forgot. so i had to go into the principal's office and ask for it. it was the weirdest thing. like, a combination that i literally had ALL YEAR long just magically left my brain. and when i got my combination from the office, i stared at it, looking for signs of familiarity, but there was nothing. no recognition. just three numbers. isn't that bizarre??

well this morning i finally went back to the safe and my fingers remembered. i made a mental note of the numbers, and...nothing. no recognition. it's like my brain just erased the numbers. thank god my finger muscles have a better memory than my brain!!

so all is well. but i wonder when the day will come that i forget my own birthday. or my height and weight. or my social security number. or my driver's license number. or whatever. am i just forgetful? or am i turning senile way too early in life?

hot pocket

last night when JJ got home from work i heard him rustling around making something to eat. when he was finished, he came in the room and gave me a kiss. afterwards, i licked my lips and said, "mmm, hot pocket?" he said "yep." i said "ham & cheese?....no wait....pepperoni?" he said "yep."

oh, the little joyful things in a marriage.

JJ and his bicycle

we got our tax money back!! and we were planning on saving it. until i had to buy 2 bridesmaid dresses and a flight to arizona. OH AND HOW COULD ANY OF YOU FORGET ABOUT THE VET BILLS OF WINTER 2009-2010?!?!?!

so we used the tax money to pay for all of that.

OH

and one more thing:

a bicycle for JJ.

he just, bought a bicycle. just like that. he brought it home and has been riding free and happy in the wind almost daily. his new mission is to ride his bicycle to work. and he even bought a fancy bike lock to attach the bicycle to our "garagette" at night. but i told him our garagette is so cheap, that a potential theif would probably just tear down the entire garagette when trying to steal the bicycle.

anyway, he loves the damn thing. so i'm happy for him. i'm glad that he enjoys it. i feel like it will be a hobby he can enjoy for a lifetime.

here is JJ in 40 years:

mundane housewife

yesterday was a ME DAY. it was fantastic. i got my hair done and i'm looking very malibu beach barbie bleach blonde. i'm obsessed.

then i went to a sandwich shop and an old Italian man with yellow armpit stains on his t-shirt winked at me.

then i went to target and spent $18 on dog bones. yes, that's real. how embarrassing. i also bought dryer sheets and brown wrapping paper and a t-shirt and cat food for Chanel and a bag of Easter-themed peanut m&ms. somehow it came out to $70. how is that possible?

then i went to TJ maxx and bought 2 pairs of jazzercize pants and root pump.

then i went to forever21 and bought an ADORABLE black and white little french looking dress that is to die for.

then i went to hollister to buy boyfriend jeans (i know) and the 16-year-old girl asked me if i wanted to sign up for e-mail reminders when they get new shipments. i was like NO! GIRL JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN BOYFRIEND JEANS I'M ALREADY EMBARRASSED ENOUGH TO BE A GROWN ASS WOMAN SHOPPING IN HOLLISTER.

then i went and bought JJ his birthday present. and now i'm in the poorhouse. indefinitely.

then i went home and packed for my trip to ARIZONA next week.

then i made dinner.

then i watched grey's anatomy and the office and parks and recreation.

then i waited until JJ got home from work.

i was quite satisfied with my day. THEN I REALIZED: WHAT A BORING DAY. THAT WAS THE DAY OF A MUNDANE HOUSEWIFE.

things in L's life



rash update: i pretended i was my sister and used her insurance ID number and called this nurse hotline thing that comes with my parents' insurance plan. the nurse asked me a hundred questions and told me that if it's still there in 2 weeks, to make an appointment. otherwise, it's fine. but JJ still won't share anything with me. fact: i will be laying like a reclused lepor at the pool in Arizona.

to my readers who aren't turning in their census papers: FOR SHAME.

how do we like the LOLcat installation?? i'm personally obsessed. LOLcats make my day.

giving up shopping for Lent was a mistake. as Moon said it best, lets leave Lent to the Saints.

speaking of Easter, one of the residents brought a god damn dancing bunny to the desk and it sings "at the hop" when you press its foot and you know EVERYBODY WANTS TO PRESS ITS FOOT and say "oh, now isn't that just the cutest thing?" and i fake smile and say YES. but really i want to throw it out of the god forsaken window. i'm about to lose my mind.

we took Cleo for a morning walk yesterday and she decided to poop in the neighbor's driveway. while the neighbor was taking her garbage out. we made very poignant eye contact and i ran like a coward back to the house to grab a doggie poo bag. Cleo is such an idiot.

JJ and i passed a taxidermy place on the way to my sister's volleyball game last week. JJ asked what "taxidermy" meant. OMFG DID I MARRY A CITY BOY.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

fieldtrip

yesterday M and S wanted to go on a fieldtrip to the M.H. (lucky them) they like think the stupid M.H. is a magnificent palace. they run around inspecting everything and try to yank Chanel out from under the couch. S was obsessed with my bedroom** and when they found cocoa puffs in my pantry, they said, "mom doesn't let us have cocoa puffs." i said, "mine didn't either. but now that i'm a redult (word S uses to describe grown people), i get to buy whatever cereal i want! isn't that great?!" they both agreed that indeed, it was the greatest thing ever. so great, in fact, that they each walked out of the M.H. proudly holding a little sandwich baggie of cocoa puffs to have after dinner for dessert.

anyway, when we got back to their house, their mother said, "WOW! did you have fun? how was L's house? is her bedroom pretty?" S said, "no. it's just really messy."

THANKS FOR THROWING ME UNDER THE BUS.

**a child's bedroom is an ethereal place of wonder and excitement. that's where all the best things are. remember wanting to show your friends your room? i would be like "COME LOOK AT MY LISA FRANK STICKER COLLECTION" ...too bad all S found in my redult room was a boring trifecta of dirty clothes, pillows and tums. he was midly disappointed that i didn't have anything cool in there.

scary



i will never forgive my mother for letting me watch Rescue 911 as a child. never. and i will NEVER EVER get the reenactment of a boy who got his leg bitten off by an alligator/crocidile (WTF is the difference between those two anyway?) out of my mind. at least on arrested development Buster gets his hand bitten off by a seal with a yellow bow-tie. much less scary.

i will also never forget the woman who put on her garden boots only to discover there was a black widow inside who bit her foot. YOU LIKE, THINK I WILL EVER PUT SHOES OUTSIDE.

THAT SHOW WAS TERRIFYING.

plus i hate all and any scary movies. i spent the night with my parents as a 17-year-old after going to Texas Chainsaw Massacre to try and impress a boyfriend. that last scene where he pops out of the forest and gives one last attempt at trying to saw Jessica Biel in her car was enough to give me nightmares for a month. A MONTH. i pictured him sawing up through my bed.

and i don't even want to discuss The Twilight Zone. Moon made me watch it when i was in New York for a visit. NO THANKS NEVER AGAIN. i will stick to the Disneyland ride only.

all this talk about the things that scare me brings me to Friday night. me, JJ, sister M and mom were sitting on the couch watching DATELINE. it was about that man in Mexico who got kidnapped and beaten and starved and tortured and somehow it was all linked to the Mexican government. he's OK now, but STILL. how do i know i'm not going to get kidnapped someday?!?! i really don't know. i don't run with a bad crowd or listen to rap music or hang around dark alleys or anything, so i THINK i'm OK. but i would just never know if that man in the cheese aisle at Trading Co. was really smiling at me for reals, or if he was tailing me. in pursuit of something more.

AH!!!!! the world is scary.

i was talking about how scary Dateline and Keith Morrison's voice/face was again last night with JJ as he was rubbing cortizone 10 on my belly, and he too, got a little nerval and reached down just to make sure his beloved hockey stick was within an arm's reach

Monday, March 8, 2010

Breaking Lent 2010

JJ gave up sweets for Lent. and i gave up buying new clothes.

we went to cold stone and then right after, to the mall yesterday. tsk tsk.

at cold stone i got cake batter and recess peanut butter cups in the "love it" size in a waffle cone. (i love the word waffle). and it was so good. but on my 23rd bite i began to feel the affects of dairy on my dairy-allergic body. JJ finished every last morsel of his "GOTTA HAVE IT" sized ice cream. he ordered a "love it" but of course the girl gave him too much ice cream. how did she know the way to my husband's heart??

anyway, we popped into the mall to look for

a. dress shoes for JJ
b. new cool tennis shoes for me

one hour later and we both failed. i think the reason i can't pick a new pair of tennis shoes is that ALL TENNIS SHOES ARE HIDEOUS. ALL. so i don't care if JJ makes fun of me in my white and purply-pink asics. and JJ failed because he literally looked so hilariously feminine in most of the dress shoes. he got fed up and walked right out of Nordstrom Rack when i laughed and told him he looked like an elf.

BUT, i did find a pair of Theory dress pants on sale for $45 (originally $300!!!) and they fit like a dream and are practically made of egyptian cotton. so i broke Lent. and obviously, with JJ's sinful ice cream eating, he broke Lent as well.

so what did we do after the mall?

went to taco bell of course. which is what we gave up for Lent last year.

--SIGH--

rash

first off. we had 12 proudly guilty pool pee-ers and 3 liars.

nothing that stupid or funny has happened to me lately. isn't that weird? i mean, something stupid or funny ALWAYS happens to me. well, that's why i didn't blog this weekend.

but yesterday a plethora of things happened. so i will begin.

i have a weird rash on my stomach/chest/back. and if not for the fact that my mother was in town this last weekend, i would have already been to the doctor. the last time i had a rash was when i found out i was allergic to penicillin. and we all know how that ended: ugly: grey sweats and shania twain concert tee sans bra. so i have this rash and i'm like FUDGE! RASH! GET OFF ME! I'M GOING TO ARIZONA IN 12 DAYS I WANT TO LOOK GOOD IN A BIKINI. and i whined at first. and JJ made me lift up my shirt so he could inspect it (you know, since he's a doctor) and then he unnecessarily freaked out. he was like OMG YOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOCTOR, L!!! and my mom was like "CALM DOWN YOU GUYS IT'S FINE." she thought we were being irrationally rash about the rash. (!!!!!)

yesterday we went to my sister's volleyball game and during, JJ said I'M THIRSTY. when i offered him the half-full target water bottle from my purse, he gave me a disgusted look and said "HELL NO." i was like "WHY THE FUDGE NOT?!?!?" ..........."because i don't want your rash."

i mean, the idiocracy i have to endure for the rest of my life.

and NO, i'm not posting a picture of the rash.

good listening

Gladys in 236 is literally deaf. and she always wears this sweatshirt that says PALM SPRINGS and has a rainbow on it. you have to shout things at the top of your lungs for her to hear. she called down to the desk today.

L: "HELLO!"
G: "hi, it's Gladys. who are you?"
L: "IT'S L AT THE FRONT DESK."
G: "who? Janice?"
L: "L. AT THE FRONT DESK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
G: "well i don't know who you are, but i love you too."

oh, Gladys

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

important life lesson.

last night i met JJ at work and we went to clinkerdagger happy hour and then drove to the GU basketball game (we got tickets!) together. it was so fun! but filled us with nostalgia and longing. JJ and i were just reminiscing the whole time about the carefree days of yesteryear. when we got home we realized we forgot JJ's car at his work. oh well. so i drove him to work this morning. nice wife. i wasn't planning on getting out of the car so i wore: gray granny panties (you know the ones) with white (YES WHITE) puma sweatpants that used to be my sister M's so they are too long and too sporty and just plain awkward. and i wore the gray babydoll tee i slept in. so it was like all stretched out from sleep. and obv i wasn't wearing a bra. well, after i dropped him off at work (by the way it TOTALLY looked like a hooker-gentleman exchange because he wasn't wearing shoes bc they were in his CAR and then i asked him for money so he gave me a twenty then i drove away. ok SO GROSS.

well i was feeling a little crazy. i mean, it's only 8:17 a.m. and i went ALL THE WAY INTO TOWN, i deserve a treat right? so where do i go? WHY ULTIMATE BAGEL OF COURSE!! (college bagel shop) and i slink in there, feeling a little stupid but i mean, it's 8:17 a.m. the only people in there are in their 40s having business meetings and the occasional Positive Choice Dorm Couple (i.e. they sign a contract to live in the nicest apartments on campus and promise not to drink or smoke or do drugs) snickering in a booth. so it's totally fine. i order: one jalepeno bagel toasted with veggie cream cheese and 3 cookies and a diet dr. pepper. WHY NOT GO THE EXTRA MILE? so i smiled happily and was feeling so very satisfied and excited to get to my car and i'm holding my arms over my boobs bc of the no bra-loose tee thing.....THEN I LITERALLY RUN INTO SOMEONE. from college. OF COURSE. KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she was all dressed up and looking good. it. was. mortifying. i just made excuses for my looks and she so we starting talking. she was asking me about JJ. and when are we moving to California. and how am i and then she was like, "oh, i gotta go, i'm actually working right now." OMFG ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! i mean, i just lose. i mean, i have jobs too, i work too, i'm not a bum. i'm just, well, i had to take my husband to work this morning, and i.......wasn't planning on this stop, and i was just out of excuses. i felt like a total ass. i got into my car and shoved the whole bagel in my mouth.

moral of the story: always wear a bra to ultimate bagel because you NEVER know who you'll run into.

here is a picture of my outfit this morning. please don't submit it to hotornot.com.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

rushing into chickadees

i stopped eating goldfish crackers. because there is a way better alternative: chickadees.



and of course they are Target's market pantry brand. and they come in a little carton. and they're so cute! and they are whole wheat and have a sharper cheddar taste than goldfish. lately i have just been keeping a carton in my bag for when i need a nibble of something.

but yesterday i apparently made a mistake when i left my carton of chickadees on my desk. because my boss came to relieve me for my coffe break and she just grabbed the carton and poured some of my delicious cheddar chickadees into her hand like we were old friends or something. then she popped them in her mouth and was like "OH THESE ARE SO GOOD" and grabbed the carton and repeated. like, WTF? seriously? then she did it again. and AGAIN. FOUR TIMES IN TOTAL. and like, i don't mind sharing my chickadees, in fact i would like to be old friends with my boss and maybe go to TJ Maxx then pop on over to Chilis for a shitty margarita and a few laughs. i would love that. but we aren't there in our relationship. and we most certainly aren't to the point where we are just grabbing and helping ourselves to each other's chickadees!! like whoa, slow down, you're rushing to second base, shouldn't we at least start texting first?!?!!

Shoe Quest

i suck at sports. i always have and always will. but one thing i have always prided myself in was the fact that i always had the latest cool shoes. so at least i looked legit sitting on the bench.

for example, i had solid black L.A. gears that lit up red when i walked. that was for basketball in 6th grade. doesn't get much cooler than that.

while getting dressed for jazzercise on sunday, i looked in the mirror and exclaimed "OMG I LOOK SO STUPID!" JJ was like "yeah, you do." (thanks) and i said, "well i think it's these highwater stretch pants." JJ said, "no....i think it's your shoes." NO IT'S NOT MY SHOES. NO! REALLY? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? BECAUSE I THOUGHT MY SHOES WERE COOL. I MEAN, THEY'RE ASICS. THOSE ARE COOL, RIGHT? LIKE, WHAT'S NOT TO BE COOL ABOUT ASICS?!!?!? these are the ones i have except mine are little more purply-pink, not bright pink. i mean, are these shoes lame?



and then i had a small panic attack. because what if JJ's right, and i've been bouncing about in jazzercise for the last 5 months wearing stupid shoes?!?! i hate Rah for not telling me sooner.

my mom bought me some really cute white and pink adidas shoes in Hawaii but they don't have much structure to them and i have rolled my ankle like 5 times. i think it's time for New Jazzercise Shoes.

READERS, WILL YOU HELP ME FIND SOME NEW, COOLER, NON-ASICS JAZZERCISE SHOES?!?! I'M ON A SHOE QUEST AND I WILL SUCCEED WITH YOUR HELP!

Monday, March 1, 2010

handsome

today: i'm wearing:

a t-shirt with a screen printed tie on it.

Clara in 625 came down and said, "MY, don't you look handsome this morning?"

that i do! and let me tell you, i have an extra kick in my step today. i'm feeling professional and intelligent. and i'm quite sure my name would be Byron if i was a man.

quite handsome:


smart:


oh, you know, just straightening my tie:

the most cheerful person i have ever met in life.

mavis in 519 walked right up to my desk this morning and said, "do you have any idea how your voice echos?" obviously i do know. my whole life people have always told me to shut the hell up. my Pap said i could be the fire alarm for the entire town of Selah if i got up on the hill and screamed. i know how loud i am. I KNOW. so i said, "yeah, i'm sorry Mavis." and she said, "there was a meeting in the other room where important information was being said and all i could hear was you." and i said, "well, Mavis, there are people who are hard of hearing who need me to speak loudly to them so they can understand me." and she yelled at me, "your screechy voice was ringing in my ears!" i turned away from her and started talking to another (kinder) old person.

SUCK IT MAVIS. SRSLY.
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