Wednesday, April 28, 2010

oldies but goodies

here are a few of my RW friends



me. Marion in 601. Dorie in 416



Clara in 625. me. Mary in 729. after this photo, they got onto the elevator and just as the doors were closing Mary said, "but why would she want a picture with a coupla old wrinkly ladies?!" and they laughed. hahahahh!!!



me. Dee in 712 in her Dior scarf. Dee's singing goat. it sings "thank God i'm a country boy" (THAT GOAT IS SO ANNOYING)



me. Joan in 101. Dee in 712. we're singing.

last days at RW

as my time at RW was dwindling down, the visible carelessness on my behalf was quite apparent.

for instance, on Sunday i decided to wear jeans. not even slack jeans! and i wore a low cut tank top. and i had bed head hair. and i slunk down in my chair and texted openly. and i read InStyle and Vogue and Allure and Lucky and Guideposts (don't judge).

on my very last day i decided to wear my newest pirate skull tshirt. i thought it symbolized my departure and feelings just right: a little dark (the skull, the black and gray stripes) with a little joy (the pink sparkle ink used to print the skull)

and when i woke up i decided that i wanted a doughnut for breakfast. so i lazily shuffled over to JJ's side of the bed and morning-breathily said, "good morning, darling, may you please go and get me a doughnut for breakfast?" and he did! since it was my last day of work, he got me a doughnut for breakfast.





and, yesterday guess what i decided to do? leave 1/2 and hour early! it was wonderfully liberating. i just stood up and said "i'm going to leave, au revoir!"

GOODBYE RW I FARTED ON THE WAY OUT!

Bob's Gift

on my second to last day at RW, my friend Bob in 718 (the one who is running Bloomsday and will probably beat me), asked me to come up to his apartment. so i did. and he showed me all of the paintings in his place! he is quite the artist! he spends his winters with his wife Jean in Hawaii (just like Mimi & Papa!) and he paints wonderful pictures of the scenery.

SO

he said, "i have a present for ya Blondie!" (that's what he calls me) and he pulls out this beautiful painting:



it's me! in the ocean! and i'm wearing a hula skirt and i'm dancing in the water! he said "now you can have Hawaii and me in your home!" and he signed it "el goldo" which was his nickname in prison camp in the war. and since we are technically not allowed to accept gifts from residents, he charged me a nickel for it. he was so thrilled to have sold his first painting.

Mimi tried to get me to give it to her for her condo in Hawaii, but i said NO WAY JOSE, i'm keeping this as a symbol of the great friends i made at RW.

it's people like Bob who i'm going to miss seeing every weekend..........

but, i'm seriously so happy that i am free. because on Friday Rah and i are going to BROOKS AND DUNN THE LAST RODEO concert at the arena!!!! and i will not even worry about the hangover i will have the next day. and GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! on Saturday morning, i'm not going to get out of my pajamas until 9 a.m.! how CRAZY is that!??!!?

New Girl

the girl who is my replacement is a nightmare. an absolute nightmare. and i had to spend my last 2 weeks at RW staring at her horrible outfits and awful slicked back french braid. and she was a mean and impossible know-it-all because her grandma lived there 15 years ago. and all she would talk about was her husband and her daughter, which was totally fine, except that she would throw in side notes like "well, i don't know if i'll get the dog or the barbecue in the divorce." and i'd be like WHAT?! ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! there were just instances when she just didn't need to be such a biotch. such as:

Dorothy in 410 came down and had her arm full of blankets. so i said, "DOROTHY! oh my gosh! did you knit all of those yourself?" New Girl interrupted Dorothy and said, "it's CROCHET."

later, New Girl was talking about her parents... "Mother doesn't like gardening, so i do it." and "Mother never let us mow the lawn until we were 15."

when i would try to explain things to New Girl, she would ignore me. like literally. i would say, "you need to get the newspaper to the CEO's desk by 8 a.m. and don't forget to send out the daily status report right after!" and she would just stare straight ahead, purposefully avoiding eye contact.

and every time i would explain to a resident why i was leaving, i would say "yes! JJ got a job promotion so we are moving to southern California." and New Girl would say "yeah...she can have fun with all those earthquakes and traffic"

and just yesterday, on my very last day, someone asked New Girl if she was excited to start officially working and she said, "yeah, i'm pretty sick of being micromanaged all week."

now, i don't know about you........

BUT I THINK PN HAS A WORTHY CONTENDER

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

i miss you!

hi bffs. i have so much to fill you in on. but for now, you can have funny fat pics of Chanel.

will update you tomorrow! I PROMISE



PN FINALE...

this has been removed by L because it was mean.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

LL Cool Dawg

just because this picture makes me pee laughing. i wanted to share.

i don't have a baby in me Neal

i started training my replacement at RW. what a strange thing...her voice is a little too forced cheery and her french braid that she wears daily is a little too tight. let me just say she has some pretty big shoes to fill. i am a favorite amongst the residents and Fred in apt. 535 even said to me, "L i found out you were leaving and i cried myself to sleep last night." Marie in apt. 620 said, "you were so good to me L, i'm really going to miss you," and she patted and squeezed my hand. (awwwww i love them. i really really really am going to miss my dear favorite residents).

AND THEN CLARA IN APT. 625 SAID "ARE YOU LEAVING US BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT?" !!!!!!

i said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! no Clara, no kids for me yet!"

and 2 minutes later Neal in apt. 629 said, "i can guess why you're leaving...that top you're wearing alludes that you're expecting....am i right? am i right?"

NO NEAL. I AM NOT EXPECTING. THIS TOP IS HIDING A FAT ROLL NOT A BABY. THANKS A LOT MAN. THANKS. A. LOT.

great. so everyone thinks it's 1950 and that i'm leaving my job because they think i'm pregnant all because basically i look fat in this top.

just so we're clear, i'm burning this top.

but before i do, you tell me....do i look preggers?

Friday, April 16, 2010

a few of my favorite things (right now)

currently i love:

1.

minted rosebud salve. can be used as: moisturizer for dry skin, blush, lip gloss, etc. it's fabulous and lasts forever.

2.

Sally Hansen insta-dri nail polish in "Night Flight" it's like a blue-black color and it's fabulous. every time i go to target i pick up a new color. and it srsly REALLY DOES dry instantly. like 40 secs.

3.

The September Issue

fabulous fabulous movie. and it's watch instantly right now on Netflix. it's a wonderful documentary about Anna Wintour. WATCH IT NOW PLZ

4.

Shabby Chic

my idea of Heaven. and the design aesthetic is absolutely 100 percent my style--much to the dismay of my husband. AND, of course, target has the Simply Shabby Chic line...much more affordable :)

5.

the #11....mmmmmm SAN FRANCISCO SOURDOUGH EATERY

5.

my adorable idiot dog

6.

My true-love hath my heart and I have his,
By just exchange one for the other given;
I hold his dear and mine he cannot miss;
There never was a better bargain driven.
My true-love hath my heart and I have his,

His heart in me keeps him and me in one;
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;
He loves my heart for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides.
My true-love hath my heart and I have his.

-Sir Philip Sidney

my favorite favorite poem that Rah read at our wedding

7.

i just love pirates! pirate t-shirts, pirate literature, pirate booty (pirate humor)

8.

i ADORE peonies--but what a shame that they're only in bloom for a few weeks in June.

9.

this picture from my bachelorette party...isn't it fabulous?

photographer: KKiss
from left to right: LJ, me, KitKat, Sam, Rah

10.

my most favorite thing: hubblestiltskins!

the wait is over!

couldn't resist sharing with everyone:

i wasn't going to show anyone until its debut on the front of our team t-shirts, but i couldn't contain my excitement!!!

HERE IS THE CARICATURE DRAWING THAT MOON CREATED FOR OUR BLOOMSDAY TEAM!



from left to right:

LJ, LJ's fiance RC, Nebular, Rah, JJ, me, KKiss, KKiss' boyfriend RR

and we are all sitting on a couch dreaming of junk food.

isn't it wonderful!?!?!?! Moon is a brilliant artist.

we still need a team name....suggestions??

not done yet

when i was babysitting yesterday, baby P said my name! she said "Lay-E" and i squealed with delight and shed a tear. it was the most wonderful thing in the world. i was so touched. but the moment was interrupted by the screams of S. "I'M DOOOOONEEEE!" which is his signal to me that he needs me to come and wipe his ass. so i walked in there, held my breath and hunkered down with a piece of toilet paper and he said "oops, not done yet" and pooped on my hand.

#$&*%@*#&$*#$

the truth about raisins

it begins:

i was selected along with 10 of my other coworkers to participate in an accreditation peer review this week. basically we all got a free salmon lunch at work and had to answer questions about RW. of course i was well-spoken and said only the nicest things. but i was the only person not wearing a uniform of sorts. i was also the only one not wearing my RW nametage (surprised?) and i'm the only one who went to college.

and OHMYGOD my first bite of salmon i got bone. i got salmon bone in my mouth. and i gagged a little. and the custodian to my right turned and stared at me while i pulled the bone out of my mouth and put it on my plate. after the meal, dessert came. and the dessert had raisins in it. i scrunched my nose the tiniest bit and pushed my plate to the side. you see, i'm allergic to raisins...and many of my readers get annoyed when i say that i am allergic to raisins...

which leads me to the story

i was but a wee little girl at the ripe age of 4. i had a plastic precious moments ballerina dish set. (i.e. plate, mug, fork, spoon) and i filled my mug with sun-maid raisins. and i ate them all in front of the TV while watching sesame street. when the mug was empty i snuck into the kitchen and refilled. and i ate them all.

then i was puking and diarrhea-ing until the sun went down. and i have never eaten a raisin since. i mean who wants an old wrinkly grape anyway?

in conclusion, it's always easier to say "no thanks, i'm allergic to raisins" at a work luncheon than it is to say "no thanks, raisins give me the squirts."


there she is. that dirty bitch in the red sun bonnet.

inappropriate instructor

this is the kind of person who works at the dog obedience school:

as i was teaching Cleo to "lay down," i would give her treats each time--you know, positive reinforcement. well one of the instructors comes over and says to me, "you really shouldn't give your dog a treat every time she does something right, or she will grow to expect the treat...you know, kind of like husbands and sex."

i mean. how does one even respond to that?

party in Denver

JJ and i went to Denver for a family wedding. JJ's cousin was a beautiful bride and MY GOD was it the best party ever.

here is my favorite picture from the night. tres chic.



the first night i slept in JJ's sister C's room and i got up to pee and stubbed my right pinkie toe on the coffee table, thus disabling me for the remainder of the trip. (still hurts to the touch). JJ forgot: his black belt and his brown shoes. and he absolutely blew his gasket when he tried on the dress shirt i packed him. it was a very nice Perry Ellis number with this wonderful pleat detailing down the front. he refused to wear it to the wedding and instead wore one of his dad's shirts that was too big. GHOD. such a baby.

after the wedding reception which classically ended with beer bottles serving as microphones, the party continued in the bar of the hotel. when we got there, JJ's mom promptly said, "OK L and Ron are cut off." Ron is JJ's dad. oops. Ron and i looked at each other and did the ol' "pshhhhh...she's crazy!" hand gesture, and then i ordered my favorite last drink of the night: an amaretto sour. JJ was OF COURSE hungry so we went to a tavern to order food. i ordered a grilled cheese and before it even came i fell asleep in the booth.

the next morning JJ told me i said this to him before i went to sleep: "JJ, i am your husband."

indeed, i am a GREAT husband.

high school inevitability

while in Selah, it's fair to say that you will inevitably see at least 1 person you went to high school with. for me, it was 3 people in 24 hours.

first was the boy who was mine and KitKat's driver's ed partner. he was so scared anytime it was my turn to drive. and the rule was: whoever was driving got to pick the radio station. he and KitKat would pick the always cool 107.3 KFFM YAKIMA! and i would pick the always lame K105.7 soft rock. i failed my first driver's test. that's how good i was at driving. anyway, now he works at the red apple grocery store and my mom made me go in by myself because she was wearing slippers. i was like "you wore slippers on purpose so you could make me your slave." so i went in and just as i was picking up a bag of tortilla chips, there he was. "HELLO L!" and i was like DAMMIT. "hey, man. how's it goin?" then we chatted for like 5 minutes and i kept trying to slowly walk away but he kept on talking. lastly he said, "hey, isn't it your job to plan the 10-year high school reunion?" i was like SHUT UP I KNOW DON'T REMIND ME PLEASE. note to self: i have GOT to pass on that unfortunate endowment to someone else.

right after we left the red apple my mom drove me to the movie store and again made me go in by myself. upon leaving i ran into this girl whose name i can't even remember but whose face is etched in my brain, along with all the 180 SHS class of 04 graduates. i just stared at the ground and ran to the car. i said OHMYGOD MOM WE ARE NOT STOPPING AT ANY MORE PLACES I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP RUNNING INTO THESE PEOPLE. we drove home.

right before i left town, we went to El Cap (or El Crap as my dad calls it. i mean, it's his own fault for ordering the shrimp fajitas) we sat down and started eating and my mom was like "L, that's D.B. behind you!" and i was like PLEASE JUST KILL ME. and i said "oh christ mom. i'm not going to say hi to him i look like hell and i have cheese hanging from my lip." the story of D.B. is as follows: we were great friends. until i got a monster crush on him. blah blah blah the story ends with him at my house putting his shockingly white-socked foot on the coffee table and me instantly regretting the decision to get a crush on him. i walked to his car and he asked me if he could kiss me. i said yes. and then i told him we were better as friends. the end. and he was a great friend. great guy. but right then, in El Cap, with my family and the outfit i was wearing and the cheese on my lip....i just wasn't in the mood to chat. then i heard him say "HEY LACIE" and i turned around, simultaneously CURSING MYSELF as i remembered he has a sister with my same name. eye contact. FUDGE. there was no going back. i slowly got up and trudged over and said "oh, hi! i thought you called me." he was like "what?" and looked all puzzled. and i was like "you know, your sister......" and she walked over and i gave her the thumbs up sign and said "hey, great name, eh!?!?" and winked at her. i mean COME ON. that was the stupidest thing ever in life to say. then i hugged D.B. and was like "ok, nice to see you bye." and ran out of El Cap. my family all made fun of my awkward display and i was like SCREW YOU GUYS I'M OUT OF HERE.

i am SO not planning the 10-year high school reunion. NO FUDGING WAY.

final note to SHS readers: D.B. is not to be confused with E.B. ...though both have sisters with my name. (D.B. also has a sister named Samantha)

problem.

ohmygosh you guyssss!!! i have been seriously GONE for like 10 days. my apologies. i was busy worrying about important things like finances and THE TEXAS-SIZED ZIT ON MY CHIN.

last tuesday: i popped home to Selah for a quit visit. OH AND I RAN 1.5 MILES. i wrote "1.5 miles" instead of "a mile and a half" because i want it to be plural. anyway, here's the problem.

Hitler--i mean my sister M took me for a run. we ran the loop around the high school. and i started out just chattin away, and every like 3 seconds, M would be like "keep up with me. and relax your arms. stop running on your toes. point your feet forward, you're running like a duck." and i'm all OK SORRY THIS IS MY FIRST TIME RUNNING EVER SHUT UP.

about halfway i needed a walking break. but it wasn't really walking because M made me speed walk. then we started to run again when i really wasn't ready. when we were running around the corner of ampm and the old veterinary office, i cut said corner and she was like YOU CAN'T CHEAT. and i was like WATCH ME. then we started up the hill. and i slowed down a bit, because i felt like my lungs were made of sandpaper and knives, and M said, "COME ON DON'T STOP YOU NEED TO MAKE IT UP THIS HILL." and i got annoyed but finished. then i literally couldn't breathe. and my ears started hurting. and all i wanted in life was to take a 3-day nap. i ripped off my shirt then she made me stretch. and then i thought i was going to pass out.

then i made her drive me to King's Row (burger joint for those of you who don't know)

HOW WILL I EVER RUN BLOOMSDAY?!

probs run 1 mile, walk 1, run 1, walk 2, run 1 ,walk 1. then i will jog during the last 20 feet to make it look like i ran the whole thing. and i'm definitely going with the cheeseburger-filled0fanny-pack plan.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

my new pond

this picture perfectly describes my upcoming departure from RW...

everyone just loves me i guess

you guys. it's official. listen to this. my release from the prsion walls of RW were announced this morning in the managers' meeting. they all came out of there rushing to my desk and saying "OH MY GOD L, you will be so missed!" and "you are such a little ray of sunshine around this place, we'll miss you" and "how could you leave us?!?!?!" and i guess everyone said "NOOOOO" in the meeting when it was announced. i was like WTF YOU GUYS LIKE ME!?!?!?!?! I NEVER KNEW!!!!!

and the RW Foundation Director came to my desk and was like "you have been such a breath of fresh air for these residents, you are just what they need. we are really going to miss you." it was so touching. i always knew i was special but MAN! AM I GETTING AN EGO BOOST TODAY! HURRAH! think i will treat myself to SF sourdough after work. DUH.

so i just couldn't believe everyone is actually totally obsessed with me at RW. but here's the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that would give me diarrhea:

PN waddled out of that meeting with a fat lower lip....and TEARS YES TEARS IN HER EYES. YOU GUYS SHE WAS CRYING. she was all "we are going to miss you SO MUCH, L. you have no idea." i was like OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS?! FAKE TEARS PN?! COME ON. I KNOW JUST AS WELL AS YOU DO THAT YOU WILL ONLY MISS BOSSING ME AROUND, YOU WILL NOT MISS MY FACE.

and since then she keeps walking by my desk all slowly and sadly and winking at me. like, what?

anyway, it's official and i can now yell it off the rooftops that I AM QUITTING RW ON APRIL 27TH. APRIL 27TH IS MY LAST DAY AT RW! HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH FOR ME

but srsly. what the hell am i going to write about on this blog if i don't have PN or funny old person stories?

dare i say it?? i might miss this place. just a little.

Monday, April 5, 2010

I SPY

can you spot the bitch--i mean Chanel??

big dumb day

today.

today is the day i'm telling my boss i'm quitting. my last day is April 27. (!!!!!) so i wore an impeccable outfit today: black and grey pencil skirt with the giant houndstooth print in it. black scoop-neck tee and my lucky thigh high grey socks (same ones i wore when i got Cleo).

i waltzed into work feeling confident and ready to quit.

i sat with excellently straight posture from 7:55-8:10. my boss is supposed to get to work at 8.

WELL GUESS WHAT? SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP TO WORK TODAY. LIKE SHE IS NOT HERE. AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE SHE IS. NO ONE. SHE'S LIKE MISSING. ON THE DAY I PLANNED TO QUIT.

what is my luck this week?? my horoscope said i was going to have a dynamic day yesterday (Easter) and obviously that did not happen. and now this!??! come on, life.

thank GOD it's Rah's bday today and we are going out to a fabulous dinner and i can drown my bad day with merlot.

AMEN.

bev the lobby lady

Bev in apt. 205 sits in the lobby. every single damn day she sits in the lobby. all day. she comes down at 7:45 and is still there even when i leave. and she sits close enough to my desk that i can hear everything she mutters under her breath. and they are not nice things. she says something every time someone passes by her.

here are a few of the things i've heard recently:

"God, shes fat."
"It's way too cold, what is she thinking wearing shorts?"
"She's got a screw loose."
"God, i'm tired."
"Answer the phone, what are you doing?" (this is towards me whenever i let the phone ring more than 3 times)
"God, that painting is hideous."
"Why in the world does he walk on his tiptoes like an idiot?"

i just usually shake off the mean comments because i feel bad for her. because she's old. and doesn't have a clue. but NOT TODAY. today i was not in the mood for the rude comment that came out of her mouth towards me as i exited the library.

"God, she's way too skinny. eat something, will ya?"

i mean, i don't mind being called thin. not at all. who would mind that?? but to insinuate that i need to eat, now that's just rude. i turned to her and opened my eyes wide and said in a very loud voice, "HELLO BEV AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU." i startled her and she jumped in a little in her chair.

serves her right.

JJ and the Sultan

usually when Cleo coughs and shivers and acts sick, it lasts approximately 24 hours until she poops the perpetrator out (i.e. rubberbands. always rubberbands). well this morning it had been 48 hours of no eating or drinking and one sick dog. SIGH. so i called the Sultan. and was told to bring her in at 9:30. JJ has the day off so he took her. i told JJ under no cirumstances was he to allow the Sultan to take x-rays. because x-rays=credit card exhaustion.

well JJ called me at 9:30 and said, "OK, i left Cleo with the vet, they insisted onx-rays will be calling you to update you on how she's doing. so i yelled, "NOOOOO. NOT THE X-RAYSSS," which caused Paul in apt. 217 to look up from the newspaper he was reading and glare at me. then i whispered, "okay. tell me. what's the damage?"

JJ said, "well, it was going to be $150, but i talked them down to $68." i said, "WHAT THE HELL? THIS ISN'T MEXICO, YOU CAN'T JUST BARTER FOR VETERINARY X-RAYS!!!!" and he said, "well, i did. i am the man." and i was like "OH MY GOD JJ YOU ARE THE MAN!!! HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO THAT?!?!! THE SULTAN IS AN EVIL MAN WHO LITERALLY STEALS MONEY FROM OUR BANK ACCOUNT ON A MONTHLY BASIS!!!" JJ said, "well, not today, L. not today."

OK either JJ really is the man, or the Sultan is gay and has a crush on my husband.

easter horror


ok so i bought an adorable little frilly flowery easter skirt from the target liberty of london line. SO CUTE. WONDERFUL PRICES. and i wore it to work yesterday with my j.crew elephant rainboots. and, like a god damn junior high student, i had my period and didn't know. and a little leaked onto my BRAND NEW SKRIT. COME ON. i was soooo annoyed. because a. i'm not 15. and b. it's already bad enough that i had to WORK ON EASTER. why the period leak????

whatevs. i brushed it off and did the ol stuff-your-underwear-with-that-horrid-public-restroom-toilet-paper move. and walked back to my desk and finished my day.

i got home and took one step in the door and placed my j.crew elephant rainboots in a pile of poop. thank you Cleo! then i walked to my bedroom to get my sweatpants on (obvs). and there is a puddle of pee next to the washing machine. thank you again, Cleo! and i see that the door is closed. i open it, and sure enough Chanel comes out. meaning she was trapped in there for 4 hours. because JJ went golfing. and there is a pile of poop on my bed. thank you Chanel! and when i put the bedding into the wash and go into the spare room to fold the pile of clean laundry on the bed, i notice that the entire pile of clean laundry smells like pee. thanks again, Chanel. then i completely lost my mind and fell to the ground dramatically and cried. then i grabbed Chanel by the scruff and threw her outside. then i called my mom. then i went to snuggle Cleo. and she was coughing and shaking and sick. JJ got home and took a shower and i did 800 loads of laundry and took a nap.

...

we opened our easter baskets. and i got JJ wonderful things and he got me edward scissorhands. I HATE EDWARD SCISSORHANDS. but i pretended to like it to make him feel like he did a good job.

JJ wanted to take me to Anthony's for Easter dinner followed by mass at 7:30. i had told him last week to make reservations and he tossed his hand carelessly and said, "pshh...L, you don't need to make reservations for Easter. no one goes out to dinner on Easter." so he didn't make reservations. and guess what? Anthony's was all booked up. so we went to the Italian Kitchen. which was good.

then we went for ice cream. then we went to church.

then we got home and couldn't find Chanel. then JJ told me that i killed the poor defenseless cat. Chanel's ears must burned because then she came inside. and i realized that i wouldn't have cared all that much if she had spent the night outside.

FREE CAT TO ANYONE WHO WILL TAKE HER

i had a terrible day.

but you know what? on Easter i should be thankful. so thankful i am. i am thankful that Chanel will not live forever.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Sexism in the Workplace



getting on my soapbox for a sec:

this article is powerful but discouraging. we are in 2010! why are women STILL struggling to "keep up with the boys" ??? it's a disgrace.

click here to read
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