Thursday, May 27, 2010

quack

this is what Rah and i saw out my kitchen window the other night while we were eating enchiladas and diet dr. pepper:



awwwwwwww baby ducklings following their mother!!!!!!!!!

woman of the night

i. hate. the. neighbor. kids. the idiots kicked their ball and it knocked over our "BBQ" (it's a hibachi grill. JJ calls it a BBQ) and all the ash went flying everywhere. assholes.

and they must have been digging in their mother's garden, because the other night, circa 4:30 a.m., i heard a hard spraying noise directed towards our bedroom. so i sloppily lurched out of bed, angry and ugly, to investigate. sure enough, the underground sprinkler system for the children's mother's garden was dug up and one end of the hose was literally pointed in the direction of our bedroom. full blast right at our house. and another one was pointed at a neighbor's house. so i hunkered down and pointed the sprinkler hose away from our house. and as i was being a good citizen/neighbor/person, and pointing the other sprinkler hose away, the slippery little shit slinked out of my hands and fell to the ground, simultaneously pointing itself at my crotch/butthole area. so basically i got a free enema. and it shocked the living hell out of me. so i screamed a curse word and ran into the house looking like a drowned river rat. JJ sat up and was like what happened to you?? and i just screamed and ripped off my soaking wet pajamas. i put on fresh flannel pants and jumped into bed, shivering sharply for extra effect. JJ put his arms around me and called me his "little macgyver."

JJ & The Fat Fly



JJ is so afraid of bugs. like it's so annoying. YOU'RE THE MAN, KILL THE BUG. but instead, he skips away from any bug like a girl.

so the other night we had a monster fly. you know the ones? they're like really old almost ready to die. like at day 6, which equals age 98 for them. and they're sooooo fat and huge and slow. and they buzz so loudly. well we had one in our room and JJ was like "killllllll it L....it's grossssss" and i was like sorry Shirley Temple, i'm in bed, not getting out.

so he whined and whined and finally got up to kill it himself. only he grabbed a pink dishtowel to do the job. i was like you look like an absolute fudging idiot. he was like SOMEONE HAS TO KILL IT L, I DON'T WANT IT FLYING INTO MY MOUTH AT NIGHT. i mean come on JJ, seriously?? the fly is not going to fly into your mouth tonight. and he said, "L LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING. LOOK AT IT!!!! IT'S EATEN LOTS OF PROTEIN IN ITS LIFE. ohmygod. "like what? a cat? JJ has it eaten a cat for the protein?" then he swung his lousy weapon at the large fly, which had landed on the side of the TV. and missed. then screamed and ran out of the room. OHMYGOD HOW COULD YOU MISS?!?!?!! IT'S THE FATTEST SLOWEST FLY EVER IN LIFE GET YOURSELF TOGETHER GOD DAMMIT. then he came back into the room muttering something about a night assault that the fly was planning. drama queen.

the fly landed again. only this time in the door frame above my closet. he swung the dishtowel like a limp noodle and the fly fell. into my closet.

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THERE'S A FAT DEAD FLY IN MY MIU MIUS I'M GOING TO SLAP JJ SILLY WITH THAT DISHTOWEL

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

LOL

fluers

i went to costco and got 2 bouquets of FRESH CUT PEONIES MY FAVE! and then i went to Lowe's and bought some flowers to plant.

here are the peonies:





love love love love love love love!!!

and here is my redesigned front stoop:







JJ hates nothing more than that rocking chair. but other than that, HOW PERFECT!?!??!

LJ's jammin weekend

got to Seattle on friday at 3:30. LJ and friend R picked me up. and then LJ's car died and we had to ask a crusty man in an old station wagon who had a band-aid on his neck and a weiner dog in his front seat to give us a jump start. i mean WHY couldn't we have gotten a dad in a Lexus??!?!?!?!?

we went to happy hour where we met KKiss and had some delish appetizers and hard apple cider. then we went to LJ's apartment where KitKat met up with us and we had a gaggle of fun sitting around drinking wine and chatting.

the next morning we met up with Sam and LJ's sisters/mom and went to watch the Last Wedding Dress Fitting. and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. LJ looks bomb.com in the dress and her sappy fiance AND father will cry like a coupla babies. awww

then we trekked on over to Whidbey Island for the shower. LJ got lots o' things and did the mandatory "oh, wow! thanks so much this is faaaabulous!" comments after opening each gift. and i wrapped the champagne glasses i got her in a target cereal box.

we had too many daquaris at the shower of course! then we went on a wild goose chase to buy last-minute bach gifts for the bride-to-be. and i felt COMPLETELY inadequate after LJ opened up 368 boxes of VS lingerie and i tossed her the wadded up panties i got her at kmart.

we ghetto'd up for the bars and LJ came out looking like this:


her sisters had put her in: a white sweatsuit with "MILLER'S BITCH" screen-printed on the back in Old English Text. the pink tank top had a rhinestone penis on it and the hat...OH THAT HAT!!! had a rhinestone "B" on it with a veil attached to the back. the outfit was completed with a pair of pink high top nikes. HAHAHAHAH it was absolutely HILAR.

once i got into costume, i felt ready to party. i was supposed to be gwen stefani but turned out more gang-banger. and OHMYGOD every single time i would walk by a mirror i would be like "YIKES YOU'RE SO SCARRRRRY" and even big strong Italian-looking men would flee from my path as we walked in the bar. i tell ya, the things red lipstick and a black beanie can do. WOWZA.

the bar is whereinwhich Sam and i downed a flask of vodka in the bathroom and also where i met my biggest blog fan for the first time. (!!!) she gave me a hug and we danced and i felt cool and she dared me to mingle around with my hoodie undone. and my triangle bikini top was hanging out and STILL the big strong Italian-looking men avoided me. i think they were afraid i might blow a cap in their ass, no? you decide for yourself: HOW SCARY AM I!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!


that's Sam next to me. she's Eve. you know, Gwen & Eve, let me blow ya mind video??

anyway, we danced and partied and LJ stepped over the line when she tried to fudge with the DJ's music. oh and also she stood up on a table and started dancing and got in trouble for that too. LJ's drunk alter ego is a girl named Tanya. she's absolutely insane.

we woke up the next morning and went to a burger joint for breakfast then went back to LJ's apartment to retell the tales from the ghetto bachelorette party. i got to Spoke around 4 and forgot when i parked the car so i pressed the panic button and found it.

whew!

JJ's pancreas

JJ and i went to LA for his pancreas doctor appointment. and i wore jazzercise/yoga pants on the plane and i realized AFTER we landed that there was a giant hole in the crotch of the pants and i wasn't wearing any underwear. you'd THINK i would feel the breeze...??

everyone, all is well! the doctor said his panc was AOK because he has the best wife ever in life who takes care of him. ha!

JJ, me and his mom went out to lunch in Westwood with JJ's sister C for her birthday and i felt quite cool. i was 99.9% sure Beyonce pulled up next to us at a stoplight in a completely blacked out Escalade so i smiled cooly and then i remembered we were riding in JJ's mom's very UNcool minivan. dammit.

we had the best lunch ever at this Italian place and they had an entire page of just gnocchi on the menu--can it get better than that?? NO!




then we went to Cedars Sinai for JJ's appt where i am pretty sure Beyonce goes when she's sick. but ANYWAY, JJ's panc is doing great (YAY), still no alcohol or red meat, but the best news is that he is doing well. the doctor said JJ's problem is a combination of 3 factors: the Spink 1 gene + auto-immune thing + alcohol = bum pancreas. so i made a funny and said to JJ "so you're telling me i married a mutated gene basically???" the doctor laughed.

that night i had the biggest appetite of my life. JJ's mom made us mayonnaise and chese crusted halibut with asparagus and corn on the cob and salad and bread and of course wine. i got seconds of the fish and i had 2 corns on the cob. i also had 2 pieces of bread and 2.5 glasses of wine. and then i had a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. guess i was hungry...???

the next day JJ drove me to the airport to head to Seattle for LJ's shower/bachelorette round 2. . . .

but that's a whole separate post :)

Wild Wild Westport II

i have got to stop giving my blog a 10 day hiatus between each post! my apologies!!!

here's where i left off:

JJ's birthday. he is officially obsessed with his laptop. he won't even let me use it. and if i do, he sits uncomfortably close to me, with his laserbeam eyes tracking my every move. so i just stick to my own laptop. she and i have been through it all together and i like her better anyway.

ok so the friday after JJ's birthday we (me, JJ, Rah, Nebular, Cleo, Benjamin Pierre and Francois) went to westport (a repeat tradition from last year). for those of you who don't know, westport is a very small beach town on the Washington coast. it's so much fun to visit and Rah's mom and grandma own a cute room in the chateau! tres chic!

so of course we had to go crabbing like we did last year. we went through the steps...you know, stab the metal stake through the dead fish's eye, attach to crab pot and toss in le ocean. wait and wait and eat salt water taffy and wait...then check the pot for possible dinner.

ONLY THIS TIME JJ tried to pull the crab pot out of the water and he just couldn't. it was too heavy. which excited us (i.e. LOTS OF CRAB) only then i saw an eerie shadow in the water...and i screamed because it was huge and there are tales of a great white shark who made it's way into the westport harbor and i'm like I'M NOT GETTING EATEN BY A SHARK TODAY MY FRIENDS, NOT TODAY. so Rah and i screamed, JJ dropped the pot and we backed away. and the shadow made its way to the surface....

AND IT WAS A GIANT SEAL. A SEAL. AND IT ATE ALL THE DEAD FISH HEAD OUT OF OUR CRAB POT.

it came up to the surface and Rah and i screamed again and then it turned over on it's back and clapped its arms/fins (??) together and made rude taunting noises at us.

and i mean that's FUDGING SCARY!!!!! A SEAL ALMOST ATE US.


(taken right before seal almost ate us)

then we went to a seafood mart and bought ourselves some nice crab. and cooked it up for dinner with baked potatoes and salad and bread.

Rah and i also took a bottle of wine and the pooches down to the beach and it was fabulous. that's all i ever needed in life. good (or bad) wine, a best friend, the beach, and some dogz. (see below)





we also went to The Best Antique Shop In The World. not going to tell you anything about it because it's our favorite secret place. anyway i ended up buying a vanity set for $80. and JJ got mad at me for a whole 3 hours because of the havoc i caused. you see, Nebular and JJ couldn't make the vanity fit into the back of the car and i was like SORRY I FOUND A GOOD DEAL GHODDDD. anyway, it was completely worth the 3 hours of JJ being a baby because i have wanted a vanity ever since....well forever. and it's my new sanctuary. LOOK AT MY NEW SANCTUARY:


(note the fresh peony in the vase. HOW PERF)

on the way home we stopped to eat at taco time which was completely the worst idea ever, but we had the best time!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

best wife in the world, yes?

this is what i got JJ and he just opened it and pooped his pants almost



MACBOOK PRO!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

failed patience

OMG i forgot to tell you a story. tonight we were eating my boss CPG's wonderful tasty white bean chili that is literally to die for. i was smartly eating it on the ground and ol Dumbo (i.e. JJ. fun fact: his favorite movie from childhood is Dumbo. i hated Dumbo. i mean his mom dies. and who likes the circus? NO ONE) anyway Dumbo was eating his chili on the WHITE COUCH. and i have told him time and time again that his toddler self is not allowed to eat things like CHILI on the white couch. he doesn't listen ever. he was taking a big bite when all of a sudden he just dropped his bowl. just dropped the damn thing. and it spilled of course all over the white couch. i inhaled sharply and he interrupted my angry exhale with, "i've got it, L. i've got it." and so i put on my skullcandy headphones and watched hulu while he tried to clean. i took deep breaths and tried to remind myself that it was his Birthday Eve, i should be nice and not yell at/make fun of him. but then i looked over and he was struggling to get the covers off the cushions. and he was moving so slow and half-assed. and i watched him struggle for like 3 more minutes without being successful and i tried. i really tried to ignore the obvious and awful chili stain that was quickly setting into my white couch. i gave him 1 more minute then i lost my cool. i threw down my headphones and stood up and heavily sighed. and stomped over to the couch and took the covers off myself. and i looked at him and i said, "i'm sorry but i literally HAVE to call you an Absolute Idiot" and he looked at the ground and said, "i know." and then i felt bad and i just wanted to hug him because it was so sad because when someone looks at the ground in defeat, without so much as a "SHUT UP ASSHOLE" it's just human nature to just automatically feel bad. so i was like "OK i'm sorry. i'm not annoyed anymore, just make sure you oxy clean max force spray the stain before putting it in the washer." and he said, "ok and i put one cup of bleach in right?"

$*#@#$&#@$%

i (barely audibly) whispered, "no JJ. one cap. one CAP full of bleach."

JJ's 24th

ohmyghodddd tomorrow is JJ's birthday and i'm like seriously going to pee my pants because i bought him the best gift ever in life. and i'm so glad i bought it over a month ago when i was rollin' in ca$h. because i would never be able to afford it now. and even though JJ doesn't usually read my blog "L, i LIVE your blog, i don't need to read it" ... "but JJ you should support my hobby/hopes/dreams because you are supposed to be my biggest fan but you suck instead" ... "well fine i'll read it at work tomorrow" ...tomorrow... "JJ did you read my blog today like you promised me?" ... "oh NO! DARN! i was GOING to but then i forgot" ... "well it's not fair that the LAkingsinsider.com gets more attention than me. rude!" ... "oh stop being a drama Q L. i'll read it tomorrow" ...and it goes on and on. basically he just says he's going to read it except he doesn't unless i open it up on my computer and shove it into his face while dangling a Klondike bar in front of his nose. but you know what? he always laughs. a genuine, gut-wrenching laugh, when he reads my blog. so i just wish he would read it more often because i KNOW he enjoys it.

anyway, i would tell you what i got him, but with my Dying Black Cat In My Driveway Luck, JJ would read the blog for reals tomorrow at work and then his gift would be spoiled. and i always spoil his gifts because i get so excited about them that i say "guess guess guess what it is TEE HEE HEE tra la la laaaa OMG you'll NEVER guess" and then he guesses right the first time. and i get mad. so this time i have not uttered a peep and he has no idea.

but here is the hint:

i spent more money on this gift than i have ever spent on anything ever in my entire life. and let me tell you that the gift is going to knock his socks off. i mean he is going to LOVE it. i am a selfless and lovely wife. and also, since it is the eve of his birthday and i love nothing more than Birthday Eve(s), i let him sit and watch the Dodgers while i folded all the laundry by myself. AND i'm going to make a pie tomorrow. a pie! giggles.

i like our planet


today i was driving home from work with my new pirated Glee soundtrack (well my mom got it for Mother's Day from MM so she burned it for me) blasting in my car...and can i just say that it is the best ever soundtrack i have ever ever owned. especially Quinn's rendition of "You Keep Me Hangin' On" because i have a weird obsession with her character. i embarrassingly put that song on repeat and try to mimic her voice and demeanor. except for the part where she's a pregnant teen. phew, glad i missed the boat on that one. but the bottom line is that this is the best soundtrack ever. EVER. oh and i saw on Ellen yesterday that Finn might be dating Taylor Swift in real life. all the more reason to be even more obsessed.

anyway, i was driving home and singing Quinn's song and i was taking the right turn onto our street when i saw a teenager throw a plastic water bottle out of his window. I MEAN COME ON. DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT LITTERING IS TERRIBLE?? DOESN'T HE EVEN WATCH THE NEWS?!?! ok probably not the news. but seriously...HE MUST WATCH MTV---because he's a teenager. and every other commercial on TV is someone yelling at us to switch our lightbulbs to the energy-saving ones that are swirly shaped (side note: last spring our landlord informed us that someone was going to let themselves into our houses and change our lightbulbs to the energy-saving swirly shaped ones...we left one morning with regular ol lightbulbs and returned to the swirly ones in every room. isn't that creepy? and i know whoever it was had to stand on our bed because the light fixture is right above it. the thought of some guy's dirty work boots on my crisp white duvet makes me shudder. so obvs i washed the sheets. but seriously HOW CREEPY) anyway, the commercials...the Green Commercials. you know the ones. they are all over the place now. because we are gross fat lazy humans WHO THROW OUR PLASTIC WATER BOTTLES OUT THE CAR WINDOW. and the other morning when i was in the car taking a break from listening to Quinn, i heard on the radio that in many places in California it is considered "unethical" for prisoners to pick up highway trash. they get to eat lobster tail and watch The Hills on their flat screen TVs instead. it's like OHMYGOD you chopped off someone's head on the bus, wear this hideous orange suit and go make the earth a better place!! at least that's how it would be if i were in charge. also i would make outhouses illegal.

but anyway i got so mad at the teen. like raging mad. i wanted to pull over and make him pick up his garbage. and the worst part was that his DAD was in the driver's seat and he didn't even say anything. i could have beat the shit out of two men this afternoon, but instead i practiced real restraint and chose to drive really slowly and intimidatingly gangster-like past the teen and his father and shake my head threateningly and let it go.

and then i got home and started a load of laundry using my earth-friendly method laundry soap and i skipped my shower. i smiled to myself, happy to have given the good green earth a break.

grown up

today i was babysitting when i got the Poop Call from S to wipe.

i walked in and found him sitting patiently on the toilet looking wise beyond his years reading the newspaper.

why is it so funny when kids participate in adult-like (or as S calls us, "redults") behavior?

accessories



my two favorite accessories: Cleo & Gucci

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

life of the semi-employed

so as you know, i quit RW. and to be honest, i am feeling quite lazy. for instance, i spend most mornings watching the Today Show and browsing facebook until i can convince myself to get out of bed and go to jazzercise. then i get home, shower (sometimes), make myself a sandwich, and settle into the couch to watch Ellen. then after, i do laundry, write, clean the litterbox, research jobs in CA, take Cleo for a walk, etc. etc. anything but spend money. and i'm doing quite a good job of it. also, Moon recently showed me a website where you can watch bootlegged movies (still in theaters) on the internet. pretty sure it's illegal, but i'm saving money. i also found 2 pottery barn giftcards left over from the wedding! so i bought us a new crisp, white monogrammed sheet set. (there's something about monogrammed things that just screams "LEGIT COUPLE" and i really love the way monograms make me feel like an upper-east side woman who shops at neiman marcus...even though i kept my last name so i have two last names. i will accept just the H instead of GH when it comes to monogrammed things)

anyway, all this lounging around and not working all the time has really made me feel lazy and worthless. i mean, right now, at 12:14 p.m., i am back into my pj bottoms and my cousin's old UW BASEBALL sweatshirt that he loaned me the night i slept on the couch in his frat house EWEWEWEWEWEWEW because my friends all suck and ditched me. they got to sleep in LJ's lux sorority house. anyway, so there you have it. my boring days. and i occasionally babysit the kiddies, but really i am such a loser. everyone else i know has a full-time job and full-time responsibilities. i feel like a teenager again with all the free time in the world, and with a babysitting job as a career. only instead of taking all my checks and cashing them to spend at Claire's Accessories, i am instead putting them into my bank account to pay JJ's student loans and my health insurance bill. SIGH. what a life.

but hey, let me tell you, my house is spotless and i am all caught up on every show i watch. also, i can feel my abs getting tighter. AND i've noticed that there's a bird who lives outside the family room window. maybe i'll try to feed and befriend him. but that's a task for a different day.

games at a shower

Rah's wedding shower was last weekend and it was so fun! she was beautiful of course and got wonderful things--it's good to be the bride!

unlike everyone else in the planet...i absolutely LOVE shower games. like i'm abnormally obsessed with them. and i always dominate. while everyone else is haphazardly answering the couple's questions like, "oh, i'm sure it was absolutely magical when he proposed to her on top of a dolphin in the middle of the pacific ocean with a rainbow in the sky and birds encircling them, with a heart-shaped cloud in the background..." i am totally dead serious about answering any and all questions right. i'm like "YES. HE LOVES PASTA. AND SHE ENJOYS A WEEKEND AT THE LAKE EVERY NOW AND A AGAIN." and BOOM, i win. just like that.

well at Rah's shower there was a word game. and i had the advantage of enthusiasm along with my knack for vocabulary. so obviously i won and made 34 words out of Rah and Nebular's names in 3 minutes. only at the end we were supposed to create a sentence. i was like DUH I'M GOING TO CREATE A FUNNY SENTENCE.

the mother of the groom read her sentence aloud and it was something sweet like "sarah and josh will live happily ever after in perfect wedded bliss" that's when i realized it was supposed to be a ROMANTIC sentence. not a funny one. but since i was the winner, Rah's grandma made me read aloud my sentence. and i was like "oh Lois please don't make me do it. it's not romantic. it's stupid." I DID NOT WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE ASS. but she still made me do it. so i read awkwardly:

"i have a mad rash on me hand in bed...{at least it wasn't somewhere else...heh heh. cough}" (said in an anglo-saxon-ish accent of course)

moral of the story: do not get cocky and/or showy during shower games. the mood is supposed to be light, flowery and upbeat. don't start flappin your jaws about some rash, people will think you're the weird friend who the bride pity-asked to be a bridesmaid. they'll laugh, but it will be at you, not with you, and you'll forever be the idiot who, yes, won the giant bar of dark chocolate, but also got too competitive during the stupid bridal shower game.

this picture adequately describes what i'm like when i win a shower game:

Thursday, May 6, 2010

food

my sister-in-law C sent me this VERY relevant website...check it out domestic goddesses!

www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

poor han$en$

we are poor. poor us. the combined income is what's keeping us alive. we couldn't even buy saltines or matches if we wanted to right now. Rah and Nebular are broke right now too, so that makes it easier. except that they are broke BECAUSE THEY ARE SAVING UP TO BUY A BOAT. WE ARE JUST POOR. GENERALLY. IN LIFE. so we decided we need to change things order to make this "tighten up the bootstraps and stretch the dollar" thing work.

cut out of our summer list:

1. no MLB package this summer.
2. Chanel starts her diet.
3. no more target/tj maxx fun runs (sob)
4. we gotta narrow the Sultan visits by about 8 each month. Cleo needs to man up and grow a pair.
5. no heat/AC.
6. no eating out. unless it's d'lish. or taco bell.
7. JJ packs a lunch to work from now on.
8. two words: boxed. wine.
9. no more ruelala.com shopping "even if it's a really really good deal"

things we will not sacrifice list:

1. netflix.
2. my roots.
3. wedding gifts for our friends.
4. new blush
5. my once annual trip to the best antique store ever in life in Westport, WA.
6. cheese
7. when Sex and the City 2 comes out
8. we need sonicare toothbrushes.
9. toilet paper. we will never make the 1-ply switch. never.

so as we collectively decided what we would save money on, JJ promptly and unfairly moved "target/tj maxx fun runs" to the cut out of our summer list. i mean, the way i see it, i already buy things on MEGA SALE...how do i go lower than a $6.98 t-shirt?? he also started to fight me on the cheese, but we all know how that scenario usually ends.

anyway, we argued over the list for a little bit. then we finalized it. then i started to clean the room and hang up my clothes.

when.
i.
noticed.
my.
hudson.
jeans.
had.
pulled.
a.
spongebob.
(see below)



yes. my pants ripped. in the butt. i mean. after i PROMISED that i would no longer be spending money at ruelala.com. and more importantly, where and when did this happen? how long was i walking about town with my hanes hanging out? NOOOOO. my jeansssss. rippppped. innn. theeee. butttt. COME ON. irony is an evil warted wench.

so here i sit, all broken hearted and favorite pair of hudson jeans-less, wondering what i should do. the only logical answer is to come to terms with my loss and press on. and when we move to CA and JJ is making millions at his new job, i'm going to buy 2 new pairs of hudson jeans. and a marni bag also.

Monday, May 3, 2010

bloomie pics


PROOF RAH AND I RAN AT LEAST 30 INCHES


Nebular is the one crossing the finish line in black tennis shoes and a beanie.


LJ's fiance RC trying to look serious but failing, as he is wearing blue tights. he got first place for our team!


JJ concentrating/looking like he just endured childbirth.


KKiss and her boyfriend RR. so cute.


LOL LJ tied with the old man. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA


gabfest for me and Rah!

gift idea

should i get poor JJ this for his birthday this month??

The Better Marriage Blanket

Sunday, May 2, 2010

my weird things

i absolutely cannot stand it when JJ falls asleep before me. it annoys me to the fullest degree. like, what the hell am i supposed to do after you fall asleep?? then i get insomnia for like an hour and i just end up looking at anthropologie.com, and building my online cart up to $500 only to sigh heavily and sadly as i am financially forced to remove everything from my online cart and finally go to sleep.

not tonight! tonight i decided to blog instead.

this blog is about some of my weird quirky things. here they are:



+



+



i put chapstick everywhere that hurts. i'm like the dad on 'my big fat greek wedding' with his windex. i have eczema in my ears so i soothe the irritation with chapstick. and when i have a cold and subsequently, a raw nose, i put chapstick there, too. so every time someone wants to borrow my chapstick they say "L, this isn't your nose/ear chapstick is it?" and i usually lie and say "of course not, go ahead and use it."



JJ/my mom/my dad/my sisters/my friends all hate this one. i absolutely cannot poop with the door shut. unless it's a case of public poop. then i shut the door out of consideration for others. i just hate the feeling of being trapped in there without fresh non-poop air.



watching other people brush their teeth makes me gag reallllly bad. it's because at winter camp one year our counselor made us do a skit where we all brushed our teeth on stage and (GAG) we all spit our foam (GAGAGAGAGGGG) in a cup and (GAG) she (GAG) DRANK IT (GAG x1 mill) it was the most disgusting thing i have ever witnessed and now i get abnormally squeamish around any other toothbrusher who is not myself.



earbuds are horrid. so so soooo horrid. they make my ears and head ache for days. any and all kinds. yes, even the ones that go all the way in your ears. so i have to wear these, and everyone loves to make fun of me when i wear them (except my sister MM. i bought her the same ones):



skullcandy rulz.



i never know what to do with my arms when i'm awkward. i always end up feeling like a teenage boy who doesn't know what to do with his rapidly growing limbs. i always end up folding them then thinking in my head "COME ON YOU AREN'T THE PINK PANTHER YOU DON'T LOOK COOL WITH YOUR ARMS FOLDED" then i instinctively touch my hair or reach for my phone or scratch my elbow or put my hand on my hip. and if i put my hand on my hip, we all know i end up looking like my bff:



it's easiest for me just to have pockets wherever i go:



would much rather look like a chic BCBG model.

now you know some of my weird things

and i'm glad you love me nonetheless

laugh out loud!

JJ and i spent 30 minutes watching this over and over and dying laughing. it just never gets old--it's a youtube classic!

Grape Lady Falls

too busy for mom.

i tried to hang out with Cleo, but she's on the phone.

JJ and his fave elephant

JJ and i were (still are) laying in bed post-Bloomsday. he turned on the TV and Babar is on. you know Babar. i was like "oh i just HATE Babar. please change it." JJ turned to me and gave me this incredulous look and said, "what? i LOVE Babar. i mean, they're elephants dressed up quaintly, how do you not love that?"

i was like OHMYGOD SHUT UP!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and he got all offended that i didn't agree with him that Babar was cool.

B&L&S&D

B&L&S&D= Brooks & L & Rah & Dunn

the last rodeo.

here is how the evening went:

i was just setting my cowboy hat on my head ready for Rah to pick me up when JJ came inside and informed me that there was an ailing cat in our driveway. so i rushed out. and there it was: a screeching and dying BLACK cat in our driveway. it was obviously hit by a car (JJ thinks it was attacked by a wolf--he loves to exaggerate) and it made its way down the hill from the highway to our property. its back legs were all twisted around and it clearly had a broken back. i ran in my cowboy boots to our landlord's house and i was like "OHMYGOD I HAVE A DYING CAT IN MY DRIVEWAY OMG! DO ANY OF THESE TENANTS HAVE A BLACK CAT?!?!" and she was like "oh. i....would come over there...but i...don't have...shoes...on. but yeah. one lady has a black cat. want me...to call her?" YES IDIOT WOMAN CALL HER. "yes please!" and then she said, "oh and i also wanted to ask you, did you get a large white dog? i saw it with you outside" NO YOU STUPID WOMAN!!! THAT WAS LOLA666 SHE WAS IN TOWN VISITING FOR A DAY. "no that's my mom's dog who was in town for like a day. can you call the black cat owner now please?" it wasn't the neighbor's cat. but obviously i started bawling. because there is a suffering animal in my driveway.

i called the Sultan. surprise surprise, the asshole wouldn't take the cat. so we had to drive it to the pet emergency clinic. JJ loaded it into the car and made me wear ski gloves while sitting next to it. and i was sobbing and crying and the cat was crying and it was so tragic. i just wanted it to have a little love before it died. and in the car JJ rolled down all the windows because the cat pooped itself because he can't feel his lower body. then we got to the animal hospital. and they had to euthanize the cat. because he was a stray. it was the most depressing thing ever in life. i had mascara all down my cheeks and i just felt so bad. i never ever want to see a suffering animal EVER AGAIN. i hate that there are people who like to hunt poor innocent animals for fun.

and what kind of luck do you think JJ and i will have from now on!?!??!?! HUH?!?!?! DYING BLACK CAT IN OUR DRIVEWAY CAN'T MEAN GOOD THINGS FOR US

after that ended, i wiped my tears and Rah and i went to the bar. and had whiskey sours. then we went to the concert. we got in line for popcorn and beer. AND A LEGIT BROOKS & DUNN WORKER BACKSTAGE PERSON WAS LIKE "hey girls! wanna meet Brooks & Dunn?" WE WERE LIKE DUH THAT'S ALL WE HAVE EVER WANTED!!!! and he said, "ok, here's my number...call me after the show i'll tell you where to go." so we enjoyed the concert THOROUGHLY and called this random guy after and he directed us to him...and WE WENT ON THE BROOKS & DUNN OFFICIAL TOUR BUS....and....basically it was a bus full of sluts and southern comfort. Rah and i grabbed a beer...realized what was going on (i.e. the guy was trolling the place for girls and inviting them to the bus for Brooks & Dunn to choose from...) then we GTFOOT. i mean, we could have hooked up with Brooks & Dunn that night but we decided that since we are married/engaged, it would probably not be ideal.

then Nebular and JJ told how stupid we were to go on the slut bus and made fun of us and called us "Roadies" all weekend.

but you know what? we got to go on the BROOKS & DUNN TOUR BUS!!!!!!!! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!

i'm a bloomie finisher!

JJ and i are laying in bed. "running" bloomsday was the worst idea i ever had. Rah and i obviously came in last place in the group by 30 minutes. and now i literally cannot move from my bed. it took a lot of effort to even reach and lift my computer onto my lap. i sighed and moaned until JJ finally helped me. it's all for you, readers.

i just hated the physical activity for 2 hours. and i loved the lulu lemon running skirt my mom got me, but i felt like such a poser. so so SO out of my element. and i hate nothing more than wearing my hair in a ponytail. nothing. i feel like a boy when my hair is pulled back. so the whole experience was just weird. halfway through we saw a great dane standing on the side of the road and i almost jumped on its back and rode him to the finish line. i just wished i had a hovercraft or something. my legs just felt numb. and my hips hurt. i feel like i need to put WD-40 on my joints. i am the tin man. and JJ's nipples are chafed.

we all went out for lunch after the race. and then everyone went home. and now our house is empty and sad and quiet. we had such a good time! the actual race was the worst part. i will never ever again ever in life sign up for anything more than a 30 feet piggyback ride.

oh and guess what color the finisher tee is? HUH? LIME GREEN. c'mon. that's like, the worst color ever. EVER.
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