Tuesday, June 29, 2010

famous friend!

Rah's famous!

she's sitting in her cube at Green Cupboards, the eco-friendly business where she and Nebular work! click here to see her story on the front page of seattletimes.com

Monday, June 28, 2010

the foot

i left work early today and headed straight for the post office whereinwhich i express mailed JJ's friend PLou's phone to him. he left for the airport at 5:30 a.m. and left the all-important device on the couch, where i called his mom and got his address. (how super-sleuthy am i???) i then headed to d'lish (i mean come on, i had to) and while i was in the drive-thru line i got a call from my landlord.

she told me she had seen Cleo running around the neighborhood and that she was playing with the workmen (hussy) and that she hadn't seen her in a while, but noticed a patch of fur in my driveway. i panicked a little and rushed home. Cleo must have heard my car pull into the drive because when i got home she was sitting like an innocent little pup in the garage. instant relief! but the patch of fur...the patch of fur


no. it was a severed animal limb. like a god damn rabbit foot or cat foot or something equally furry. i'm like OHMYGOD DID CLEO EAT A CAT/BUNNY!?!!?!?! like ew. so i kicked it aside which i immediately regretted because i was wearing sandals. dammit L, get a brain. so i probs have rabies or something. remember that the next time you want to give me a hug.

then i thought of an old quote i read once: “Do not rely on a rabbit's foot for luck, after all, it didn't work out too well for the rabbit.” i'm like SERIOUSLY. this poor rabbit/cat died a horrible death. i mean how could the death NOT be horrible when one of its legs is lying in my driveway?

i'm thinking with the dead black cat in the driveway in may + the severed rabbit/cat limb in june = the canceling out of the bad luck, which in turn gives me fantastic luck.............right?

love love love

peonies and hubblestiltskins!

now to get hubblestiltskins to buy me peonies instead of buying them for myself...

i got a tan in chelan


Rah's bachelorette was a blast! drama-free zone with fabulous girls; Rah's cousins Sand&Min, and her friends E, Nik and J, fun in the sun and too much wine! i was hoping Rah would make as much of an ass out of herself as i did at my bachelorette party, but no such luck. that girl is a classy ho.

we arrived to the giant mansion with a pool we got for the weekend and Rah packed in an air travel rolly suitcase. i was like COME ON IT'S A DUFFEL BAG WEEKEND. we seriously had enough food to feed a dinosaur. it was awesome.

we arrived and sat by the pool...we had a wonderful lasagna dinner cooked by Min&San, then suited up for an old hollywood glamour themed eve out on the town in chelan. i accidentally spent 60-some dollars on drinks. oopsies! and we had a body part slip out of a dress. double oopsies! we got home and went hot tubbing then fell into bed.

the next morning after we found Sand's dress by the pool, The Wine Assault Vehicle--aka a retired army truck with the top off--picked us up for a tour. the driver was Kenny. pooooor Kenny is all i have to say about him. i have never been on a wine tour. i was like OMG this is great...like we will have little tastes of everything! i had no idea that all the tiny little tastes would make one hugely tipsy. the first stop? Hard Row To Hoe. the place was oh-so-packed with sexual innuendos. i.e. prostitutes who were working in chelan during the great depression. fabulous. we went to a couple more wineries before stopping off for lunch at a BBQ that gave me 2 slices of tillamook on my cheeseburger without the patty.

Kenny dropped us off at home where we slopped into swimsuits and lounged around/in the pool with trashy magazines and mai tais for a solid 3 hours. i made us all rainbow personalized tanks and all the letters fell off, changing some of the groups' names to Andi, Ichol and Ride. it was a perfect representation of the haggardness we felt. E made a wonderful dinner and then we all took a nap (mine was on the floor). we got up, rallied, and went out again. we went to the same place as the night before, only our minds were a bit sharper. upon closer inspection we noticed many NON-OK things:

1. the pack of workmen in the back staring creepily
2. the gentleman with one shoe
3. the man without a shirt
4. the mariah carey music
5. the teens who tried to come home with us
6. the pink men's genitalia figure floating around the bar
7. the "other" bachelorette. who obvs couldn't hold a candle to Rah

after those 7 things we decided to go home for some late-night mac n cheese munchin and an early(ish) bedtime.

we woke up and packed before heading to brunch where the IBS promptly flared up. poor Rah on the car ride home.

we arrived to Spoke and JJ and Nebular were no where to be found...the festivities for his bachelor party were still in the works, so Rah, the dogs and i settled into some hammocks and had some margaritas. WHAT A LIFE!

now there's only 26 days until the wedding! ooh can't wait!

Sand. Rah. Me.

the fabulous bachelorette

the prostitute winery


me. Sand. E. Bride. J. Min. Nik

catching up on L

catching up on things:

my readers are my kindered spirits! thanks for voting taco bell!! to the one person who voted taco time: shame.

i have loads and loads of laundry to catch up on. and i'm feeling very shopaholic-y. i just want to buy a million dresses. BUT i cleaned out my closet and have 2 shopping bags (!!!) to donate to my sisters/cousins. lucky bitches i say.

i need a summer tv show. i'm dying without 87557 shows to watch all week. suggestions?

i want to go to harry potter world.

Chanel is losing summer weight. just in time for swimsuit season.

i need a new pirate t-shirt.

i wish i was nancy drew.

summer is so great i love it.


you know when you get that itch? that twitch? the one you can't scratch in public? it hits you like a thousand bricks and fills you with hatred and spite.


to me it feels like ants parading around the rim. is that not the best analogy ever in life???

Thursday, June 24, 2010


just helping mom pack away the winter wardrobe

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

making up

whenever i'm mad at JJ (i.e. this morning he stole my ten dollar bill from the kitchen counter and tried to blame it on Chanel), he comes home with this:

2 packs 1 blue, 1 purple of skittles. my fave.

and i can hardly be mad at him anymore.

C Conspiracy

as i threw the last of my belongings into my car to leave Selah for the weekend, i settled in nicely and pushed play on the book on CD that Rah let me borrow. i was very excited. i pulled out of my parents driveway and headed up the hill. then i slammed on the breaks. damn. forgot the C's food. so i retraced my steps back down to my parents house and left the car running to jolt inside to get their food, and hey why not, a diet coke. i yelled one more "LOVEYABYEEE" to a couple of my sisters and ran back outside to my car and yanked on the door handle. the door didn't budge and my body sprang backward. i titled my head and peered inside my car. Chanel was sitting on the middle console, swishing her tail and staring intently at me, a bit of mischief in her eyes, and Cleo was watching me, ears perked up and tongue hanging out, from her spot in the passenger seat.

no, could it be true?

oh, but of course.

the bitches locked me out.

i ran back inside and told my sisters who all died laughing. called my parents. laughter from both ends. called AAA. laughter from them as well. i said, "can you please hurry, it's a very hot day and i have 2 pets in the car," knowing full well that the air conditioning was on high. i facebooked while i waited, checking on the Cs every once in a while. they looked so satisfied in there, the cool air blowing their hair about. when the locksmith came he worked swiftly, to save the animals. when i opened the door, of course neither of them budged. why would they? it was like a perfect little oasis inside the car.

neither were allowed to sit on my lap on the car ride back to Spoke.

LJ's nuptials

Fab5 at the rehearsal dinner FIESTA THEME!

walk this way

LJ and her posse

classic LG photo

the Fab5

the Mr. & Mrs.

anniversary dance with JJ Hubblestiltskins!

just really pretty

i went home to Selah for a wedding this weekend. and not just any wedding. but my good friend LJ's wedding! nine years in the making, so it was a glorious day!

pictures were wonderful, the ceremony beautiful, the bridesmaid dresses a bold and sassy color, the flowers fluffy, the people happy, the food scrumptious, the cake gorgeous, the groom handsome and the bride exquisite.

we had such a fun day, and it was so fun to see two people, who have been dating and who i've known since awkward adolescence, take part in such a mature and adult thing as MARRIAGE! in love for 9 years...that means something. an old comment came up this weekend...one i think was said by myself many years ago when LJ couldn't decide if she wanted to date her current husband or another dude. "who cares? we're 14. just pick one, it's not like you're going to marry the guy." HA!


1. fab5 laying in one bed together whilst basset hound Lucy tries to jump up and join in on the girl time.

2. groomsman who was punched. he fell to the ground, scraping his chin on the pavement.

3. groom was wrestling in the pool with his pals and got elbowed in the nose, causing it to bleed.

4. the MOB (or mother of the bride)

5. The Fart That Cleared The Dance Floor At Susie's.

6. the motorhome, with my mother behind the wheel, that drove us to and from the reception. champagne and cheese included!

7. the 2 girls with IBS having taco bell for lunch before the ceremony.

8. the groom's teary eyes when LJ walked down the aisle.

9. yelling "BIG TITTAYS" and making friends laugh.


exhausted and tipsy (minus JJ), me, KitKat and our dates were whisked away romantically in the motorhome. we got home and i stripped out of my dress, brushed my teeth...actually that was such a lie. i didn't brush my teeth...and ripped the bobbi pins out of my hair. i fell into bed. what a fun day!

the next morning as i was laying in bed, still a little hazy, filled with happiness and the promise of everlasting love, the joyfulness of the wedding still lingering throughout my heart, i suddenly heard a gagging and coughing sound. followed by an obvious release. and as i looked to see where the horrendous noises were coming from, there it was...my bridesmaid dress...covered in Chanel's barf.


ah, back to reality.

congrats LJ! i wish only the best for you and your new hubby :)

the moment

the moment when you realize you've gone nuts:

when you are having an argument over who That Bear With The Raincoat is.


and so you and Rah drunk dial your Mimi to ask who the bear is and she tells you it's Paddington Bear who was named after a train station in England.


you know when you have some wine and you start hiccuping uncontrollably? you feel like that snake from robin hood who falls into the barrel of ale and slithers away all crooked with stars above his head and he's hiccuping. it's soooo true! but more importantly, why is a drunk snake in a children's movie?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

i really made this! and i didn't fudge it up!

ok you guys. i never ever cook. but i get into these weird moods where i think i'm like the best chef in the world and JJ just gets out of my way and lets me be wild and untamed and free in the kitchen. so right now i'm TOTALLY obsessed with real simple magazine. because this is what i made for JJ, Rah, Nebular and myself...and it was a complete hit! so delicious! score! i finally did something right!

*the last time i made something it was JJ's birthday cheesecake. "fool-proof," said my Mimi. well i managed to make it turn into complete shit. everyone just sat around politely munching it with hurtful expressions on their faces. it just tasted like cream cheese.

so anyway, you guys should make this:

Spinich & Ricotta Stuffed Shells

Serves 4
Hands-On Time: 20m
Total Time: 45m


20 jumbo pasta shells (about half a 12-ounce box)
1 24-ounce jar marinara sauce
2 15-ounce containers ricotta
2 cups baby spinach, chopped
1/2 cup grated Parmesan (2 ounces)
kosher salt and black pepper
1/2 cup grated mozzarella (4 ounces)
green salad (optional)


1. Set an oven rack to the highest position and heat oven to 400° F. Cook the pasta according to the package directions; drain and run under cold water until cool.
2. Spread the marinara sauce in the bottom of a large broilerproof baking dish.
3. In a bowl, combine the ricotta, spinach, Parmesan, ½ teaspoon salt, and ¼ teaspoon pepper. Spoon the mixture into the shells and place them on top of the sauce. Sprinkle with the mozzarella and bake until the shells are heated through, 10 to 12 minutes.
4. Increase heat to broil. Broil the shells until the cheese begins to brown, 2 to 5 minutes. Serve with the salad, if desired.

spider scary SPOILER ALERT

please read blog below entitled "spider scary" before reading this one.

literally RIGHT after i finished writing spider scary," i went into the bathroom to do my hair. and what happens? WHAT FUDGING HAPPENS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I SEE A GOD DAMN MOTHER FUDGING SPIDER NEXT TO THE MIRROR. THE BASTARDS ARE HAUNTING ME. HAUNTING ME. AS SOON AS I TOLD THE STORY OF MY SPIDERBITE TO MY READERS, THEY DECIDE TO RULE MY LIFE.


just for giggles

does anybody want some pup salad?

spider scary

you know when something scares you reallllly bad? just one split second of pure dread shutters through your body and you can feel your stomach doing a flipflop and your heart almost stops. you are too scared to even breathe or speak but then you realize that it was just your cat rustling around under the bed....or a spider.

one time i was relaxing on the couch reading a book at my parents house (age 19) and i felt a horrible stinging pinch on my wrist. i looked down and a spider was crawling off my arm and down the couch. i was too slow to kill him and so he got off scott-free. my wrist ballooned and i had to go to the doctor to get a shot, that bastard spider. for about 2 weeks following the incident all these terrible spiders kept taunting me. i was at a friends house and a spider dropped down from the ceiling in front of my face. i'm not even being dramatic. it dropped down on a long piece of silk and scared the hell out of me. then a few days later a black widow BLACK WIDOW was found in the sandbox at the daycare i worked at. the spiders were haunting me and i kept dreaming of them at night and picturing them eating me. so i was really really scared for a while.

now every time i see a spider (or think i see a spider) i get that horrible feeling of scared dread. BUT i haven't seen a real or fake spider in a long long LONG time, so that terrified feeling hasn't overcome my entire body in a long time either.

until yesterday morning.

JJ has been waking up really early lately to work out before work. he wakes up, makes a coffee, catches like 5 mins of the news and goes to the gym. i had heard him wake up and make the coffee. and then i heard silence to i slunk out of bed to pee. my eyes were half open and i was not planning on being awake. i just wanted to pee and go back to sleep. so i slunk to the bathroom, thinking i was all alone in the home. but when i entered the bathroom the horrible spider-sighting feeling of pure terror and fear seared throughout my entire being. for there, right in front of me, was my husband silently sitting on the toilet taking a dump. it was truly spider-scary. it woke me right up and then i yelled at him for being so creepily quiet in there, and that it wasn't fair that he scared me and then i got really mad because i had to pee and we only have one toilet. it was anger for no reason, you know? just like when your dad jumps out from behind the door and scares the shit out of you, you slur-yell at him to GO TO HELL YOU ASSWIPER because he scared the words out of you but you feel the need to scream so you just yell the first thing you think even if it's so stupid.

so i realize that i am standing there in a tshirt and underwear yelling at an innocent man on the toilet. but i yelled and i yelled at poor JJ for scaring me and he was just staring at me like "hey crazy lady, like get out of here i'm trying to take a shit" so i just screamed one last scream for emphasis and ran back to bed. JJ flushed and lit a match and walked into the room and said, "L, i'm here. i'm in the room, just wanted to let you know so you won't be scared. and the bathroom is ready now." so i walked in there to pee finally, and what do i see out of the corner of my eye? a dreadful black spider on the carpet of my bedroom. the fear instilled itself in me again. so i yelled again.

upon closer inspection, it was just a piece of black string.

that bastard spider ruined my life.

Monday, June 14, 2010

summer C

the first thing we did when the Cs got back was lounge in the sun. with spf of course.

JJs large feet in the background.

Friday, June 11, 2010



oh yeah...and Chanel too. ha ha...that's when i shaved her like a lion

useless things

i feel like talking about myself so i stole this from Brandilyn, a 21-year-old gal who owns her own clothing boutique. crazy cool.

1. Favorite computer program: the internet duh that's where the online shopping happens!!!

2. Car you loved the most: my second car: purple jeep. it made me feel cool. my first car was horrid: giant grandma ford taurus, it's only redeeming factor was that the middle console in the front turned into a seat so the 3Ls (me, KitKat, LJ) could all ride shotgun. then the purple jeep, then a white jeep, and on my 21st bday i went back to my grandma-car roots and got a volvo. i do love my volvo, but the purple jeep was a blast!

3. Snack of choice while watching a movie: popcorn and reecees peecees (that's how i say it)

4. Best thing you ever wrote: 2009 Christmas letter. also a poem when i was 12 called "Mommies Aren't Monsters"

5. Your decorating style: shabby chic

6. Last book you read: "the girl with the dragon tattoo" YIKES IT'S SO EFFING SCARY and right now i'm almost finished with Russel Brand's memoir "my booky wook" and it's fantastic. he is an excellent writer and SO FUNNY

7. Last thing you regret eating: too much salsa verde

8. Exercise of choice: none. walking around target. ballet.

9. Code you live by: yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

10. Most attractive feature: gams.

11. Favorite cooking tool: the popcorn popper.

12. Essential beauty item: chanel powder, bumble and bumble styling lotion, baby powder for greasy roots.

13. I make a killer: grilled cheese sandwich.

14. Don’t ask me to: run.

15. Get out of my way when: i'm hungry and/or have had tequila.

16. Someday I will: write a book!

17. …was the best time of my life and I didn’t even know it: college. actually i knew it. but i didn't appreciate it enough.

the unwanted full-body workout

the marathon day.

the marathon day.


first of all, i packed 4 pairs of shoes: heels, cowboy boots, sandals and sperry top-siders.

since my top-siders were still soaking wet from when the kayak capsized and ruined my life, my only other realistic option was the sandals.

we had to get up at 6:00 and basically follow everyone around all day, dropping off and picking up the relay team at the checkpoints. my mom ended up crossing the finish line with my sister CA (who was last in the relay) because she got sick and threw up.

and that's what i don't understand about marathon runners. at the end of the race they look so haggard and miserable. like limping and barfing and cramping up and falling to the ground. like they are exiting a building that king kong just destroyed, barely alive. that does not sound like anything i would ever enjoy doing in life. and then just when i thought i was finished walking for the day, we had to walk to the train which was another 2.5 miles.

we seriously looked like The Exodus, walking through the desert with the marathoners struggling to stay upright, sweat falling from our faces, a few runners stopping to pass out or vomit.

i ended up walking close to 7 miles that day.

so just to recap: i was sore from playing wiffle ball, i kayaked, i got assaulted in the head by said kayak, and i walked 7 miles. i felt like i had been hit by a truck. i had gotten a grueling, unwanted full-body workout.

and that's why i think vacation should never include any sort of exertion.

the ocean is a dirty thief

i'm so terrible about writing blogs on a frequent basis. we are actually really truly busy. i promise. and plus i just haven't felt like writing (GASP!)

catching up:

we went to San Diego so my mom could run the rock n' roll marathon...and JJ, sisters M and CA, and M's boyfriend C split the marathon into a relay race. my mom tied with the team.

anyway, it was so fun. my idea of vacation is basically doing not a god damn thing but eating/drinking/reading/laying. my mom and sisters are like crazy. there always has to be SOME THING to do. the first non-L thing we did was play wiffle ball on the beach. i was like "OK i can do this...it's been a few years since i've swung the bat, but i can do it." and it was fun, we had a really good time! truly! then i woke up the next day and literally felt so sore. SO SORE. how embarrassing is that??? i'm sore from playing a pretend baseball game. then i was informed that we were going to la jolla to rent kayaks KAYAKS. i hate nothing more than being in the ocean. you just don't know what's under there. because the fat lady in the inner tube here would be me.

so we rent the damn kayaks. and we go out onto the water and JJ is yelling at me to paddle harder and i'm like DO NOT TEST ME RIGHT NOW. it's cold, i'm in a kayak, i'm wearing a smelly old used life jacket, and i hate the ocean. so we paddle about the area and i decide it's time to be done. we paddle in and all of a sudden a giant giant 500 foot wave comes and turns over the boat.

okay. the boat is now capsized and i'm in the cold salty ocean water.

my first instinct is to put my hands to my face to protect my second favorite pair of sunglasses. gucci ones. and since i am essentially an instinctual animal, i protected my expensive eyewear. and then that evil fudging kayak decided to land on my head and knock me yet again underwater. the pain searing through my skull forced me to let go of my beloved sunglasses and reach for my head. i realize the fatal mistake and reached down to grab the glasses. i hooked my pinky around them while the boat hits me again. i lost my grasp on the guccis and they were gone. i then got angry in a Hulk-like fashion, popping out of the water in slow motion with my mouth open in angst, ripping my life jacket off and setting free the beast in me. i screamed and stomped out of the water, hateful and seeing stars from my near-death blow(s) to the head.

i instantly started crying because
a. i never wanted to go kayaking in the first place.
b. the sea took my dignity and my second favorite pair of sunglasses that i am too poor to replace.
c. my head mother fudging hurts.

my family was not far behind and they thought the whole scene of my battle with the ocean as funny. until they saw that i was sunglasses-less and angry and wounded. my parents went and bought my asprin and ice while the rest of my asshole family went to a delicious frozen yogurt shop which i obviously couldn't enjoy because i am allergic to milk.

i pouted the entire way home, because COME ON, i couldn't even find the situation kind of funny. i got back to the condo and took a 30 minute shower, taking all the hot water for myself.

and now i have a sad empty gucci sunglasses holder and a broken heart.


i seriously hate it when the moment i realize there is a hole in the crotch of my yoga pants is when i'm laying on my back underwear-less in jazzercise class doing sit-ups and i feel a breeze in the netherlands.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

one car


nah, just kidding. JJ sold his truck (!!!) i know, just like that. he put it on craigslist (which i tried to talk him out of because of that girl who went for a babysitting job and got chopped up--i mean who wants to get chopped up? not a good way to go) and this Reverend of a Methodist church (who also had braces) just bought it. paid the full asking price. it was so easy.

and then it was gone.

JJ's last pic with his beloved truck. we had a lot of good times in that truck. sigh.

but then we were like OHMYGOD we only have one car. we are Americas, we need another! (bad joke) so we went to a honda dealership. and i'm like i don't want a honda i want a mercedes. and JJ called me a spoiled brat. rude.

so we get to honda. and the car salesman is EXACTLY like the stereotype. he is gross. he is greasy and has the worst skin i have ever seen in life, and his grammar was awful. i hate NOTHING MORE than bad grammar. "they don't got no deal like this downtown Mr. Hansen" and i'm like OHMYGOD GO BACK TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU IDIOT. then he was breathing down JJ's neck and i'm like back off dude. and JJ asked him to give us a minute to discuss something and he disappears for like 10 minutes. he comes back in a fresh wave of cigarette smoke GUY YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME and then he wouldn't give JJ the deal he wanted so we hung our heads and left. and i had the worst wedgie ever in life when i stood up, but i held onto my dignity as i exited the honda dealership with a giant wad of cotton up my asshole.

then we went to Rah and Nebular's to complain about our terrible first car buying experience. and JJ made me wash my hands because we exchanged handshakes with the dirty car salesman.

and now we only have one car. and i hate nothing more than sharing. i HATE sharing. anything. i hate it. and i have to share my dear little volvo with JJ it's the most annoying thing ever.
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