Friday, July 30, 2010

COME ON MOM

is today Christmas in July? because i was driving to the bank when i realized i was singing "Walkin in a Winter Wonderland" along with the radio....

anyway. have you ever seen those bracelets the kids are wearing these days?? they're like all colorful and bendy and plastic, but they have an original shape to them before you put them on your wrist...



well last night at dinner i saw that my sisters CA and MM were wearing them. i asked them what they were, so they took them off and showed me. CA's was an adorable cupcake. i was like "OHMYGOSH HOW CUTEEEEEE A CUTE LITTLE CUPPIECAKE!" and my sister MM took off hers and my mom was like, "what is that one in the shape of? a sperm?" COME ON MOM. REALLLY. like they are going to make children's bracelets into the shape of a sperm. hell, they should start a whole line. they could be in the shapes of placentas, nutsacks and nipples as well! MM blushed and was like "NO MOM IT'S A SEAHORSE GHODDDDD."

my mom said, "SORRY!!!! i wasn't wearing my glasses!!!!!!"

really? blame it on your poor eyesight that you mixed up a seahorse with a sperm.

and i said, "OHMYGOD MOM YOU IDIOT. I'M WRITING A BLOG ABOUT THIS."

and my mom got all embarrassed and said, "OH PLEASE DON'T!!!!!"

sorry, had to.

COME ON DAD

so last week PLou stayed with us, and he stayed up late on the couch watching TV and went to bed in the wee hours of the morning. he got up at like 6 a.m. so basically he slept in the bed for only 4 hours. which practically doesn't count.

or at least that is what i convinced myself yesterday at 3 p.m. when i got off work and realized i had not washed the sheets and my parents were 20 minutes away. so i decided to play it cool and pretend that i didn't know. and, as my friends are coming to stay with us tonight, i figured i could febreeze the sheets after my parents slept in them and that it would be totally fine. i mean who would notice, right??

i'm sorry i suck and am the worst hostess ever. now none of you will ever want to come stay with me.

ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT BECAUSE THERE ARE FRESH SHEETS ON THE SPARE ROOM BED AS WE SPEAK.

why you ask? why?????

because as i was walking past the spare room a glare of white skin caught my eye. i looked over and my dad was laying in bed reading a book. i was like "DAD WHERE ARE YOUR PAJAMAS?!!?" (he always wears pajamas) and he like smirked and said, "not wearing any" and i was like EW OMG! COME ON DAD! MY FRIENDS ARE STAYING IN THAT BED TOMORROW NOW I HAVE TO WASH THE SHEETS I HATTTTTTTTTTE YOUUUUUUUU" and he laughed at me. then he said, "well i know they weren't clean before i got into them. there's crumbs or something under my butt."

woieur8934wueifjkaopsdfjiuewriwoaepfkalklads

PLou like had a ritz cracker feast in my spare bed and my dad was now laying naked in it.

i'm not mean enough to make my friends lay in sheets with my dad's butt crust and PLou's crumbs in it.

mysterious bruises

i eternally have a bruise on one of my thighs. it's an issue. even in our wedding pictures where my leg is showing, there is a hint of black and blue. i've always thought it was part of my slight anemia that made me bruise easily, but yesterday as i was putting on my party dress for dinner, i noticed the 3 bruises on my right leg and the 4 on my left. the one on the top of my left hand and one more on my right wrist. THAT'S TOO MANY OMG!

now, i'm not a CRAZY HYPOCHONDRIAC LIKE MY HUSBAND (too soon to laugh JJ??) or anything, but i immediately thought back to my Lurlene McDaniels novels...now, if you haven't read a Lurlene McDaniels novel, than you weren't ever a real teenage girl. the books are hopelessly awful stories about young people falling in love and dying. here is an example of one:



as i stared at my bruises, i thought back to the Lurlene McDaniel novel where the girl notices bruises all over her body and goes to the doctor and he's like "sorry 15-year-old girl with so much life left to live, but you have Leukemia." so i panicked and i was like OHMYGOD MOM WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!??!!? WHAT IF I HAVE LEUKEMIA?!?!?!!?" and my mom was all "don't be dramatic L, you're fine, do you have any other symptoms of Leukemia?" and i said, "well i DON'T KNOW what the other symptoms are!!!" and i meant to google them but we were running out of time and i had to put on my crown.

so anyway, this morning i was thinking about my bruises and i just think something isn't quite right since i have bruises all over me body! (said in pirate accent) i was doing laundry as i was pondering this, and i leaned over, careful not to hit myself on the opened cupboard door, when WHACK my left bicep ran RIGHT INTO the cupboard. MORTHERFUDGER. IT HURT. and now i have yet another bruise.

and now i don't think it's a matter of terminal illness, but in fact a result of poor depth perception after a night of heavy drinking--in fact not even heavy drinking--one glass will do the trick to ruin my life. i need to stop drinking. or maybe i will grab a glass of wine and google "Leukemia" ...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

CAKE

i had to order my own birthday ice cream cake because JJ forgets everything. oh well. it was delish. cookies and cream. except that OH YEAH WHEN I WAS BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES MY HAIR LIT ON FIRE.



i lose.

exercise on my birthday

do you know what JJ got me for my birthday??!?!

2 dozen roses for my 2 dozenth year of life!! SO SWEET!

and...

3 pairs of running shorts & new workout headphones.

IS HE TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING HERE?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!!?

he made me get up at 6:45 and go work out with him this morning and so obvs i turned on CMT and did the elliptical machine. and HOW lucky am i that taylor's "picture to burn" video MY FAVE came on!??!?!

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!

i always hated that little children in the movies would scream "extra extra read all about it" and hold newspapers. like, where are your mothers??? and why are they letting you scream in the streets???

anyway, HERE'S MY BIG BIG BIRTHDAY NEWS!

I WON A WRITING CONTEST! FOR GUIDEPOSTS MAGAZINE AND I AM GOING TO A WRITER'S WORKSHOP IN OCTOBER IN NEW YORK! TRA LA LA TODAY IS THE BEST DAY. MY FAVORITE DAY. EVER. IN. LIFE. I WIN!!!

buy me a present!

it's my birthday! and i love this day more than any other day in life. and there's only 13 more minutes left of it.

i'm an old farty fart. 24.

here is me in my party dress and crown:

coincidence

when JJ and i got new phones we got new numbers as well. and i realized that Cleo's ID tag had my old number on it. EGADS! what if she ran away???? so i forced ol JJ into PetSmart to pick out Cleo a new tag and a new toy. she gets a new toy every time we go to PetSmart. she's spoiled.

anyway we get in line for the tag-making machine (WHICH, by the way, is incredible. that is the smartest machine i have ever encountered. it's intelligence level is somewhere between a popcorn machine and an ATM, it's unbelievable)...and there is a little girl and her mother in front of us. their cart is filled with pink puppy things. obviously the little girl got a new dog. so i said, "Hello! did you get a puppy?!?!" and her face lit up and she said, "YES!" and i said "OHMYGOSH! what's her name?!?!?" and she said, "Lacey"

i hate myself for making small talk with 9-year-olds at PetSmart. i mean COME ON.

so i said, "WOW! that's MY name........cool."

and then i must have gotten visibly disheartened because the mother ushered her daughter in the opposite direction and looked at me and said, "i'm sorry...."

well i'm not sorry. i'm NOT SORRY that your dog named "Lacey" will be the most amazing dog ever and that she will love mayonnaise and never ever pee on the carpet.

arrrrrrgh

yesterday i took M, S and 3 of their friends (yes that's 5 children in total) to Coeur d'Alene for the day to go to a pirate themed birthday party in which we boarded a pirate themed cruise around the lake. insanity ensued. it was quite fabulous--i recommend it if you're in the area, and my tip is to make a jaunt on over to the jolly roger bar for a jolly stiff drink.

on the way there, we pass The Nut Factory, (it exists, click here) to be funny i said, "OH HEY GUYS! LOOKIE THERE! IT'S THE NUT FACTORY!! MAYBE I SHOULD DROP YOU OFF THERE, YA CRAZY NUTS!" and i mean the kids laughed like it was the funniest joke ever. and i'm feelin pretty good since my joke was so great and popular.

anyway, so i shuffled 5 children to the party, on and off the pirate boat, and i was struggling like a kid on the first day of fat camp, sweat dripping from every orifice creating the most intense case of swamp ass of my life....

(swamp ass definition courtesy of urbandictionary.com below)

A common condition in which the ass crack and crotch becomes overly moist, sweaty, and stinky from one or all of the following:
- sweating on a hot day
- not bathing enough
- long day of work, sports, play
- incomplete wipe due to rush or laziness

The crack will often feel squishy, wet, unpleasant, and itchy. It is recommended to take a bath with soap to sanitize the condition.


basically i was dying. especially walking back to the car. and i hear from the side of my ear a poorly peroxided blonde whisper to her husband "oh my GOSH, look at her, she's not even paying attention." and i'm like LADY ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME I HAVE 5 CHILDREN HANGING FROM MY ARM LIKE THE GAME WHERE THOSE MONKEYS COME IN A BUCKET AND I HAVE THE WORST SWAMP ASS EVER IN LIFE, NOT TO MENTION I SERIOUSLY AM REGRETTING MY CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR (cowboy boots) IN THIS 95 DEGREE HEAT. FUDGE OFF! but instead of going off, i stayed cool. i just ushered the children in the general direction of the car, dodging between them to protect them from the rif-raf of Idaho driving through the parking lot.

then i look over. and. S. is. holding. a. seagull. feather. I MEAN COME ON. BIRD FEATHERS ARE THE GROSSEST THINGS EVER OHMYGHOD. they are so nasty and germ-filled and horrific. and he's like presenting it to me, as a gift. "L!!! L!!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!" so i panic-shouted "EW S! THAT IS GRODY! ICKY DIRTY! PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!" and blonde bimbo whispers to her husband "oh, so NOW she looks..." and before i could punch her in the belly and rip off her husband's toupee, i gave the children one last push into the car.

so by the time i buckled the last wretched seatbelt, wiped the last chocolaty mouth with a baby wipe and threw the five sets of 8000-piece party favor bags into the car, i had practically lost my mind. completely. and to top off all of that stress, a car was sitting like a shark waiting to take my parking spot. so i backed out and slowly headed to the exit.

OH.MY.GOD.

"S!!!! OHMYGOD S!!! IS THE BACK END OF THE CAR OPEN???"

pause while he checks.

"yep."

slam on breaks and rush around to close the back end while muttering "oh my, kind of crazy today, eh???" awkwardly to the people staring at me dumbfoundedly.

i get back in the car, redfaced and SO embarrassed when S says to me, "hey L, maybe we should drop YOU off at the nut factory."

indeed, S. indeed.

to miss Chanel or not to miss Chanel...

we brought the Cs to my parents for the weekend of Rah and Nebular's wedding. and my sister M was supposed to bring them to us in Ellensburg on our way back home.

well, we only got one C. just one.

M's exact words:

"sorry i'm late you guys, i was trying to get Chanel out from under mom and dad's bed...but she wouldn't come. i was even throwing bouncy balls and stuff and she didn't care. they would hit her in the face and she wouldn't even budge."

OMG FATCAT!

flash forward...to this afternoon when my parents got to Spoke to celebrate my bday...my mom's exact words:

"sorry we're late you guys, but we couldn't find Chanel anywhere, she must have been hiding."

i mean welllllllllll........i WILL say that it has been nice not having to clean the litterbox...

but how do you NOT miss this!?!?!?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

rah & nebular's wedding bonanza

what fun! i mean really, that's all i can say. these two have been together for 10 years..."a decade of excellence" as they refer to it...coincidentally that is gonzaga's coined term to describe the men's basketball team LOL.

everything was perfect. and soooo lovely!


top moments:

1. seeing Rah in her dress and yellow Louboutins.

2. being in Olympia.

3. the lighthouse bungalow where we stayed! ADOR!

4. PLou's pants that were literally 5 inches too short. the joke never got old. hahahahahahh PLou's pants. still laughing.

5. being in a wedding with JJ

6. waking up in the middle of the night before the wedding to Rah tenderly cupping my arm.

7. the cake.

8. watching Rah and Nebular float away into the night on a sailboat.

9. when Jenn went to taco bell at midnight and got 30 tacos. THIRTY!!!

10. THE PHOTOGRAPHER!!! was amazing.


low points:

1. spilled one whole beer on Min and San's bed.

2. ate a sandwich bigger than my body for lunch on the wedding day and come 11 p.m. ...was still full.

3. that last shot...bulghhhhh

4. Min throwing away her debit card and ID in the church garbage can.

5. the back room in the church smelling like fart.

6. when JJ elbowed me on the dance floor and i dropped my entire drink.

7. when i took off my spanx at the dinner table.

8. the photobooth moment when Jenn put the novelty beard in front of my crotch so it looked like i had a maddddd bush.


could go either top moment or low point:

1. desiree. the girl who was drunk at 7:30 and who asked PLou to dance, only to cut it short by slapping him in the face and flipping him off.

twas a magical day full of laughter and love. Rah & Nebular are two of our favorite spokies---not to mention friends. we wish them a lifetime of happiness together

xx


Rehearsal Dinner. (Rah in coral)


Rah and her gals!


just sharing their first married cone!


GORG!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

still not right

while we're on the topic of JJ never saying the right thing...i was wearing a maxi dress the other day which is the most comfortable thing ever in life and is sooo adorable---- and he said to me

"you look like a pregnant grandma"




owieauf0398ruwioejfkdaklsfj9290$*#(tjkgaklfdnadk;'sfkjjgfdjlk

never right.

OHMYGOSH totally forgot to tell a hilarious story:

i went home for a few days last week...and while i was just settling into disc 1 of my book on CD-ROM for the trip, the car in front of me swerved suddenly. i didn't react quickly enough to swerve and i ran over a box. it was filled with something because i watched it explode in my rear-view mirror.

i quickly called JJ illegally on my cell phone whilst driving with a dog on my lap and a passion tea in my hand. i said "OMG I JUST RAN OVER A BOX AND IT EXPLODED WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?! OMG!!!" and JJ was like "YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL." and i cursed myself for calling him because he fails miserably in any situation which requires him to say the right thing. i.e. when i asked him how i looked in the dress i picked out for Rah's rehearsal dinner. i said, "JJ, does this look bad because it's tight? my stomach feels big. like, see how it comes to a point right there??" and he said, "oh yeah, that IS weird how it's pointy-like." SHUTUPIHATEYOU.

so after he scolded me for being careless on the road i gasped, "OHMYGODDDDDD JJ WHAT IF IT WAS A BOX FILLED WITH KITTENS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and he said, "oh wow, L, i didn't think of that, i really hope it wasn't." so i said, "OH SHUT UP and please learn how to say one thing right-- it WAS NOT a god damn box of kittens, i was being dramatic." and he said, "oh. ok."

Dear Lord, i am truly sorry if i ran over a box of kittens.

Dear JJ, you. suck.

camera shy

my husband, the grandpa

ok, so he IS recuperating from his illness, but look at this old MAN and please LOL at him with me:



knitted blanket over his lap with his legs crossed. LOLOLOL and his shirt says "fruit loops" LOLOLx10000

hankering for a pirate

i have been dying to get a pirate tattoo. i.e. a tattoo of a skull and crossbones. but everyone i love is telling me not to. i wanted it on the back of my neck and JJ said, "nothing screams minimum wage like a neck tattoo" then i wanted it on my wrist. and JJ still said "absolutely not" (i think that is his favorite thing to say to me) and i got really annoyed because i'm like YOU DON'T OWN ME, MALE. SHUT THE HELL UP I WILL GET A PIRATE TATTOO WHEREVERINWICH I PLEASE. then i got to thinking. maybe i really would hate a pirate tattoo when i'm an old sophisticated woman playing cricket at the country club in Prada head-to-toe. SO, i ordered THIS from etsy:



ISN'T IT THE COOLEST!?!?!?!? AND NOW I HAVE A PIRATE ON MY WRIST. eeee heeeeee!! and it's a nice temporary pirate. and it only cost $20.

but i'm so obsessed with it that i srsly want the pirate tattoo soooo bad now....oh ghoddd my life is SO HARD what ever shall i do??

cheat

i'm a cheater.

i have been a vegetarian for 3.5 years. but i haven't eaten pig meat since age 11. SERIOUSLY. i had a bizarre obsession with pigs and i collected them like a weirdo and then all of a sudden i was 16 years old and i had like 800 pigs around my room staring at me at night. so i bagged them up and put them down in my parents' basement. i wonder if they are still there, just waiting for someone to free them from their black plasticy garbage bag and cobwebbed doom.

i am a vegetarian mostly because i fudging hate the taste of meat so it's easier to tell people that i'm a vegetarian than "ew i'm not eating your disgusting bbq'd ribs like a god damn caveman." plus i read THIS book, Skinny Bitch, and it changed my life forever. i shed a tear each time i think of how the pigs die....

also, i eat cheeseburgers from my hometown's best IN ALL OF LIFE burger joint KING'S ROW DUH because the patties are so thin and doused in mayonnaise and relish that i could care less. also i eat fish and crustaceans. so basically i don't eat meat ever. unless it's from the water or a cheeseburger from king's row. i set my own vegetarian rules, really.

BUT TODAY. I CHEATED. LIKE FOR REALS.

let me begin...

today M, S, Baby P and i had the best day. we went for a picnic in the park for lunch, then we went swimming (me in a one-piece obvs because i mean wearing a bikini with children is so lethal. one minute you're splashing around, the next someone's pinky toe catches on the tie around your neck and your boob is falling out and a random child is grabbing at it thinking it's a water toy) and then we went to the mcdonald's with the giant play structure teeming with poop germs and the flu virus. we were soooo wiped out from the day in the sun and i was STARVED. STARVED. the older kids got their happy meals and i ordered a 4-piece chicken nuggets for Baby P and medium french fry for myself and to share with Baby P. i selfishly let her have like 7 while i inhaled the rest. but i was still hungry. STILL HUNGRY. i slurped down my diet coke but well, i was still hungry, and......ohmygod....this is so disgusting...i looked down at the brown mcdonald's tray, i looked at the piece of paper on the tray with the picture of Shrek beaming at me, then i looked at the pile of ketchup next to Shrek's right arm. then i looked at the soggy half-eaten nugget that Baby P had sucked on for 5 minutes before discarding it next to Shrek and the ketchup. and i swallowed hard, trying not to notice the fried golden skin of the nugget right in front of me. then i blacked out. the next thing i know i'm clawing at the baby trying to grasp the last nugget from her hulk hogan grip and she's screaming at me "YACE! YACE! NO!" and i take a step back and realize that i have completely lost it. COMPLETELY. i mean. LOST. IT. but i was still blinded by my hunger and rage, so i made a fair trade: i shoved the diet coke into her hands, forcing her to relinquish the last golden nugget. while she got her caffeine fix, i nibbled on my prize, eyes wild with success and accomplishment.



and now i have diarrhea since i haven't eaten chicken in 3.5 years. talk about punishment. i deserve it for wrestling with a baby.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

crazy REAL sick

yesterday JJ made me go to the store and buy him vitamins and airborne because one of his coworkers went home with the flu--full stomach flu with body aches--plus on day 3 he got an intense all-over body rash eeeewww--so JJ was extremelyyyy paranoid that he was going to get sick. and i was like YOU ARE FINE. just drink lots of water and take these vitamins and airborne. whatababy.

then last night he took tylenol p.m. during seinfeld and i was like NOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!? WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO LAUGH WITH?!?!? and he was like "i'm not risking it, i want to get a good night of sleep." annoying.

then at 2 in the morning JJ whined and moaned like that dying black cat in my driveway. and he was like "I DON'T FEEEEEL GOOD" and then he would fart or burp. and i was like "SHHH be quiet. i have a 14-hour day of work tomorrow. besides you are probably just have indigestion because you keep farting and burping." and he was like "no, L, i'm sick. i just know it." and he was up and around all night. in the bed, in the spare bed, on the white couch on the flower couch....etc etc etc. finally at 7:30 i arose and was like OMG THAT WAS THE WORST NIGHT OF SLEEP I HAVE EVER HAD IN LIFE WHAT THE FUDGE?!!?" and JJ looked at me all droopy-eyed and dazed and was like "i haven't slept since 2 in the morning" and i was like "this is ridiculous. you are not sick. you are a hypochondriac. you have a serious problem. you are crazy. CRAZY. you're fine. it's all in your head. now, i will make you a lunch and you go get dressed, come on! up and at 'em JJ!" and so he believed me and got dressed for work. he left.

well, at 1 p.m. he called from home saying, "i have a temperature of 101 degrees. and i have the worst body aches and i dry heaved like 5 times."

oops.

MOTHERFUDGE I FEEL BAD

so i told C i had to run home for a coupla hours and take care of the infant-imean-my husband. i stopped at the store and got him lots of sick things plus some deodorant because he ran out and started using my secret clinical strength protection which is like $400 per ounce. anyway, i'm now sitting in the chair in our room with my shirt over my nose and i have washed my hands 3 times and have also clorox-wiped all the doorknobs and faucet handles and also the toilet flusher. I MEAN COME ON THIS IS THE WORST TIMING IN LIFE. Rah and Nebular's wedding is this weekend. JJ's friend PLou flies to Spoke tomorrow night at 11 p.m. and we are leaving at noon on thursday for the wedding festivities. he better get over this flu quick. ....so back to me feeling bad. oooh i feel so guilty for calling him crazy. poor ol guy. so i keep asking if he wants something. currently he has 4 different cups with different things in them on the nightstand. and now he's sleeping. and he stinks of sick. you know what i mean? there is nothing worse than the smell of sick.

so i will go back to work in an hour and get home around 11 p.m. and will have to sleep on the couch because my bed will be all full of JJ and his sick. then i will have to wake up early tomorrow and wash both sets of sheets before going to work again. i guess that is my punishment for being kind of a big biotch to JJ earlier and calling him a crazy hypochondriac.

well well well...



look who joined 2007?!?! ME AND JJ FINALLY GOT IPHONES! AREN'T WE SO HIP?!?!? it was our anni gift to each other.

and we can't stop obsessing!!!

but i keep forgetting my new number so i have to ask JJ each time i text it to someone and he gets so annoyed and tells me "get smarter." he he he

also, on a side note, the other day he tried to pick up Chanel but she screamed at him and ran away. he pointed at her and said, "do not defy me Chanel, i will bake you in the crock pot."

whatever that means.

anyway...hey iphoners: what apps do i need in order to be tres cool??? help me!

Year One

happy 1 year anniversary to JJ and LG Hansen!! actually it was on sunday. here is what we did:

-we woke up.

-Moon called to sing "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU"

-i gave JJ a lovely smelly-breathed kiss

-breakfast

-we went to the gym (!!!!!!) where i eliptical-machined while watching cmt videos and he ran whilst listening to the expendables and watching the news.

-got home and showered

-i set out our outfits for dinner (he in a navy button down with his one pair of nice jeans that he hates but i force him to wear on occasion, his new stars and stripes socks i got him from urban, black dress shoes, a belt and and a fresh pair of undies...i in a FABULOUS zac posen for target party dress that is to die for, and black platform mary janes, presh pair of undies for me as well)

-we went golfing at the par 3 course near Rah and Nebular's house and JJ was quite impressed with my skills (i WAS on the golf team in high school you know, and i DID letter in the varsity sport, and YES my best score 156 was published in the yakima herald-republic) i realized that my favorite putter with the butterfly on it and my 9-iron are missing and that my 7-iron is quite as powerful as i had remembered. i love it when JJ is impressed with my hidden talents.

-we went to a movie. i wanted to see 'inception' but JJ insisted on 'grown-ups' because it was a shorter movie. it was a terrible movie. and we overdosed on chewy gobstoppers.

-in the car on the way home from the movie JJ said, "i think maybe your dress is a little fancy for where we are going tonight. the place i wanted to take you is closed on sundays, so i had to pick somewhere else." so i threw a miniature fit because i mean the party dress IS SO COOL. then i finally got over it and chose another dress that i totally forgot that i had even bought. and it was pretttty cute.

-so we are driving to dinner....and i still don't know where we are going because it's a surprise...and he pulls up to the place. and it was europa. and literally i have been to europa TWICE and both times i was wearing jeans and a tshirt. and BOTH TIMES i complained to JJ about how badly it sucked. i literally had nothing nice to say about europa. so of course i'm not EATING THERE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY I'D RATHER GO TO TACO BELL AND GET SOMETHING I LIKE. bsafdjjksffjdskljdfsljfkds so i said "NO WAY ABSOLUTELY NOT." and JJ got all embarrassed and felt bad that he had picked such a terrible restaurant then i felt bad for being a teensy bit of a brat. so i apologized and said "we can go anywhere you want" which he decided was spencers. GHOD. and i say "GHOD" because if we would have gone to spencers in the first place i could have worn my party dress. tough life. so i ordered the halibut and JJ ordered the steak and i also got a bowl of french onion soup MY FAVE and we shared a side of garlic mashed potatoes and i got the most DELISH glass of cab sav in my life. like not the $5.99 bottle on sale at Trading Co. and then we GOT A FREE MUD PIE BECAUSE IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!

- we went home and pulled out the cake topper from our wedding and realized we couldn't eat it because it was frozen solid. and had like icicles on it because the box was slightly opened and it was freezer burned. we ate some of the sugar crystals but that was it. the cake is still in our fridge now. it's so pretty we don't want to throw it away, but we're probably not going to eat it either.

one whole year with my beloved zany husband. what a dream!

also, i asked JJ what his top married moment was in the past year and he said, "all the days i get to spend with L" it's not really a moment. but i let it count.

:)

girl crush

obviously i have a girl crush on taylor swift. because she is sooooooo cool. and who doesn't love taylor swift?? WHO?!?!?!?!

and obviously all my female readers have at least one girl crush--and my male readers, don't lie!! you have one man crush as well.

ok so besides taylor, i also have one other girl crush. and i don't even know her name. and i'm so vain that i like her because i think she is like me. let me explain...

the girl is a waitress in a little restaurant in Spoke where JJ swears "they have the best crab eggs benedict in the world!" the first time he took me there i met her. i said, "i will have the mediterranean breakfast--no meat...and a diet coke. is it weird to order a diet coke at 8:30 in the morning?" and she smiled and me and said, "i just had a redbull, it's cool!" and laughed with me. i really appreciate it when a person of service is able to have a real actual conversation with me. it's so hard to come by these days!

she has short dark hair cut into an a-line bob with a little flip at the ends. she has friendly cat eyes and tattoos on her arm. she is petite and adorable. she is like a fairy for the dark side.

the second time i saw her, i dressed a little nicer so that she could see that i was a person of style and of her same general caliber. i was trying to be so cool. and then when JJ was sliding into the booth, he smashed his knee like an inconspicuous idiot. the girl came up to us and said, "did you just smash your knee? i smash my knee allll the time. and it sucks worse for me because i have to finish cleaning the table while you get to enjoy a delicious meal." HAH! i love her. isn't that a brilliantly awkward comment??!?!?!

so now i want us to be regulars at her restaurant which is fine with JJ obviously. she's so cute that you want to squeeze her and lie to her and say you have a pony at home and please can she come over to your house and ride it just because you want her to like you. you know??

Thursday, July 15, 2010

westcoast

Moon sent me this...it is artwork for the band Best Coast's new LP

because this is going to be me in the fall:


a cat! in the water! on the BESTCOAST!

Monday, July 12, 2010

i want this

besides the pug: I NEEEEEEEED THIS


i am a writer. and a lover of words. and books. and literature. and therefore i need to start a collection of old books (and lovely couture coffee table books i.e. chanel. i reallllly want the chanel coffee table book. someone buy it for me pleaaaasee???). so starting now, pay attention, it's almost my birthday...starting now, i am collecting old books so that i can make a LOVELY COORDINATED RAINBOW OF BOOKS in my library. one day i am going to have a library. and no one is allowed in but william wordsworth's ghost. and it is going to be a perfect book rainbow room like this picture.

bitter antiquing

the place where i got my vanity is the best place in the whole world. all i ever wanted was everything in that store magically moved into my house. and i love old pieces of furniture. particularly old china hutches. among other things. we will be needing new furniture in our new place in CA, sooooo....i would love to have antiques rather than dark cherry wood new thing from furniture row outlet. do you know what i mean? anwyay, this wonderful said antique store is so far away from spoke though. but luckily Rah and Nebular's wedding (!!!), which is july 24 in olympa...which is quite close to the town where the store is...

so i hatched a plan. i was going to sweetly verrrry sweetly ask JJ if he would be interested in driving the 1.5 hours from olympia to the antique store on sunday morning after the wedding brunch. and i was going to make a lovely compromise.

JJ is always complaining about the shabby chic-ness of our home, but i always say TOO BAD DUDE. because i brought all the furniture here. all of it. most of our stuff is from my college apartment (jr. year) and my college house (sr. year) and mostly it's floral and fluffy and white and vintagy and girly. what did he bring to our first home together? WHAT DID HE BRING?? a california flag, a box spring and mattress and an office chair. like, no. NO. NOOOO EW like i'm going to let him hang the flag in my living room or put the office chair in my bedroom. seriously. ridiculous.

so anyway, since our apartment is rather feminine, my plan was to tell him we can get a brown leather couch for the "family room" in our new place, and i promise to gussy the room up with a (key word here) COMBINATION of masculine and feminine. still no CA flag sorry. but still. that is a wonderful compromise, don't you think? that was my plan. this is how it went:

L: "so on the sunday after Rah and Nebular's wedding, i was thinking you could be ever so sweet and do a lovely husbandly favor for your darling wife." (pause for effect)
JJ: "....go on..."
L: "well you see, it would be a wonderful compromise if you would agree to it..."
JJ: "what L?!?!"
L: "ok, so i was thinking we could take the nice short beautiful scenic drive to westport on sunday so we could go to my favorite place in the whole wide world besides disneyland, the GORG ant-------"
JJ: RUDELY INTERRUPTS: "ABSOLUTELY NOT L."

screw the compromise AND the dreadful brown leather couch, i'm getting all pink flower shit for the family room. and i'm taking my mom and my sisters to the antique store. and i'm going to max out hello kitty on ALL SHABBY CHIC THINGS. that's what he gets.

Friday, July 9, 2010

boat

Rah and Nebular have a boat!! and we get to go on it! it's so fun.

basically it's me and Rah getting our Coors Light on while the boys try to prevent us from falling in the lake.



yayyayayayyyyy

i love boatingggggggggg

Baby Signing Time



Baby P has this video "Baby Signing Time" and the tunes are literally the most catchy things in the entire world.

i.e. "MOM has a MOM and she's my GRANDMA, MOM has a MOM and she's my GRANDMA, MOM has a MOM and she's my GRANDMA, she's another MOTHER who loves me." and basically it's just this weird woman in a yellow and orange track jacket who is signing all these words. and the good thing is that i'm learning sign language and so is Baby P, but the bad thing is that these Baby Signing Time songs get stuck in my head and i can't ever GET THEM OUT.

well last night Cleo had MAJOR diarrhea circa 3 a.m. and after i took her out and brought her in, and hand washed her butt, i climbed back into bed and it started.....

"these are the pets i love, these are the pets i love, cat cat cat cat meow meow meow meow MEOW!"

i literally went through the entire Baby Signing Time video in my head for like an hour and i couldn't sleep.

CURSE YOU BABY SIGNING TIME

pinkie pain

i'm staring at my foot. because my left pinkie toe is broken. why is it broken you ask??? because YESTERDAY when i was working, M demanded that i make her a hotdog, i opened the fridge to grab the franks and a giant bottle of german beer fell onto my foot. all i wanted in life was to scream every obscenity in my brain but i had to keep my cool in front of the kids and calmly purse my lips and keep the rage held in. and i did so quite nicely. but now i can't wear close-toed shoes until the broken pinkie toe heals.

costco shopping

my family always shopped at costco growing up. a family of 6 needs to eat! and it never really occurred to me how giant the portions were. until i got to college.

i went to costco by myself in college and i bought these:



and i was like HELL YES! A WHOLE PACK OF 24 TO MYSELF!!! I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE THESE WITH MY THREE SISTERS AND MY PARENTS! YESSSSSSSSSS!!!

first week:

THIS IS GREAT! i love these and i have like a million packs left! hoorah!

third week:

ohh....maybe i should take a break from these. gettin a littttle sick from them.

fast forward 4 months:

still have 8 packs of fruit snacks. but the sight of them literally makes me want to puke because i have had so many.

end of first year of college:

pull the dusty box of the 8 packs of fruit snacks out from under my bed and feel a wave of nausea as i look at them. i. will. never. eat. them. again.

so that's that. you can't be one person shopping at costco. it's even hard to be two people shopping at costco. you just don't want to have too much of a good item that will make you sick! which brings me to mine and JJ's current costco trips. in june i went like a million times to get the bouquets of peonies. but we get a cart and buy these things and these things only: garden burgers, cheese, granola bars and fruit. occasionally we will throw in peanut butter-filled pretzels or butternut squash ravioli (in the fall/winter only). but we only get those things to avoid getting too many of one thing! for example, i love pirate booty popcorn. it's the shit. but i would never want it from costco because i don't want to ruin it. know what i mean??

what have YOU gotten too much from costco that ruined it for you??

stick shifting

i have this reccuring dream where i am like this crazy grand theft auto character who drives stick shift lamborghinis. and i'm in my dream livin' high and crazy driving the stick shift like a professional.

reality: my dad tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift when i was 16 in his old jeep. the steering wheel popped off while i was driving it and i killed it like 89 times.

when i was 18 i lied to my mom and told her i could drive a stick shift so she let me drive her cadillac and i killed it 7 times. whoopsies.

but i keep having the dream, being crazy and carefree as ever, driving stick shifts with all the power in the world. and i wake up and i literally feel like i can do it in real life. so i talked to JJ about it and i was like "i have something to tell you. something very serious and embarrassing and just plain horrible." he like panicked and was all "WHAT'S WRONG!??!" and i said, "i.....can't drive a stick shift." he laughed for days and was like "duh, i can't drive one either." and i was like "well i don't ever want to learn." and he said, "me either..." and we laughed for 3 straight minutes.

i just wanted to tell my readers that you can't count on me or JJ to save your life. if your head is like cut off hanging by one thread and you're like "you guys, just drive me to the hospital, here's my keys," and it's a stick shift, you better bet that your head is going to fall off because JJ and i won't be able to help.

the 4th

went to KitKat's house and it was full of girl time, fireworks, drinking games, nerds (the candy), delicious food and friends!

oh and please don't report me because i cut up and sewed an american flag in order to make a minidress. i think it's illegal but OMG it was sooo ador. plus i got the flag for $9.99 the general store, it's not like i stole it from the oval office or something.

discover fraud

1. a secret target run
2. a night at the CDA resort for our 1 year anniversary
3. shoes from ruelala.com
4. 2 iphones

let me explain.

so the night at the resort we really wanted because that's where we got married and we wanted year 1 to be extra special. i booked it. $450. for one night. YIKES. OUCH.

well JJ's cell phone plan is up on July 17, the day before our anniversary. so we need a new plan anyway. i know i said i would never give in to the iphone and it's perfection, but seriously. i'm done being OK with my POS pink phone for tweens. i hate it. ohhh that felt good to type. and i got so jealous of everyone and their trendy iphones. so i decided to sign me and JJ up for at&t and the infamous iphone. make that iphone4. we will be the talk of the town with phones that cool! and JJ was a little fussy about it. so i got an idea and i said to JJ, "lets cancel the night at the resort and buy iphones instead! that way we save money and not feel guilty about all of it!" he agreed with me and said my idea was the coolest ever. so i canceled the resort reservations, but it takes 7-10 days for the refund to show up on your credit card statement.

the other two (i.e. secret target run and ruelala.com shoe purchase) i have no excuse for. just plain ol girly wants and needs!

well i got a call from discover card. asking about FRAUD. he called when JJ was standing right there listening. i already had to hide the target run from him because he said specifically that morning, "try to avoid your favorite places today, like Nordstrom Rack, Target and TJ Maxx OK?" and i agreed. only i went to the rack and target. 2 out of 3. BUT i had good excuses! i had to get S a watergun for his birthday and i had to get Rah a negligee for her lingerie party. you can't get those things just anywhere. and so the man says on the phone (LOUDLY. he like practically shouted it), "SO DID YOU SPEND $128.56 AT TARGET ON JUNE 29?" and i was like whispering, "yes" and he said, "AND DID YOU BOOK A NIGHT AT THE COEUR D'ALENE RESORT? AND DID YOU PURCHASE $406.76 WITH AT&T?" and i was like "YES" and finally he said, "AND DID YOU RECENTLY MAKE A PURCHASE WITH RUELALA.COM?" and i lost it and was "YES OKAY?? I'M GUIILTY. THERE IS NO FRAUD HERE GUY, JUST A GIRL WHO SPENT A TAD TOO MUCH. THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN GOODBYE."

JJ looked at me and i was like "who was that?" and i was like "oh nothing at all...just the credit card company asking about the iphones and the canceled hotel room."

but seriously. how embarrassing? a fraud man from discover called basically to confirm that i'm a shopaholic.

the murderous hobbies

do you remember when i ran over JJ's golf clubs? it was awful and he was so mad at me. but i mean, come ON, don't put your golf clubs right behind my tires, that's insane! so i ran them over. and felt/heard the crunch, then pulled forward and ran them over again. it was a bad day.

well on Tuesday when i was late for work, i put Cleo in her "backyard" and tripped over a hockey puck, landing in one of JJ's golf shoes and rolling my ankle. i screamed and jumped into my car to leave when WHAM, i backed into his bicycle.

I MEAN COME ON JJ WITH YOUR MURDEROUS, BLOODTHIRSTY HOBBIES! THEY ARE AFTER ME.

so i called him and i quickly said, "JJibackedintoyourbike..." and then dramatically said, "but i also rolled my ankle on one of your golf shoes owwwwww i think i have to go to the doctorrrrr owwwwieeeee." that's the trick. you say the horrible thing first, and you rush through it so quickly he has no time to think, then you turn up the theatrics and whine about your injury that really isn't that bad but will save you tons of "proper driving" lectures in the future.

cheeseballs

ok so JJ is very anal about his new car. SO ANAL. he's like "get your feet off the dash L! stop twisting all the knobs, L you'll break them" blah blah blah. and my dad is the same way about his car which is so infinitely annoying. well i went to target and found something that made me want to pee with glee. like literally the best thing i have seen in a long time. and priced at under $4.50, i couldn't pass it up.



CHEESEBALLS! made of nothing but sodium, chemicals and fat! how glorious! the thing about the cheeseballs is when you grab a handful, sometimes it's a little too big. you know what i mean? like you want all the cheeseballs in the world that will fit into your hand so you grab as many as you can at once (akin to Gus on Cinderella...you know when he tries to pick up all those cheese chunks?? and what happens??? he is overzealous and the cheese cubes go flying everywhere and he doesn't even get one chunk) that's what happened with said too-generous-of-a-handful-of-cheeseballs...we were headed to the lake, and i just HAD to grab that handful before we even left. and all 14 of them popped out of my hand and spread their orange powdery goodness amongst the backseat of JJ's brand new car. i cursed myself for the hateful handful i took, and moved quickly to rectify my mistake. there were flying cheeseballs all over the place as i hastily threw them out of the car. and just when i thought i had gotten them all...>CRUNCH< oh motherfudge. i missed one. and there it is now.....all smashed beneath my right knee. so i scurried and tried to pick up the miniscule pieces when i heard his footsteps behind me. i just smiled, slung my arm over the car door and said casually, "heyyyy JJ, ready to go to the lake?" he saw beyond my cool facade and said, "what L? why are you acting weird?" and then.... "OH, WELL DAMMIT L. COME ON. WE HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT THE DRIVEWAY YET!!! AND BY THE WAY YOU HAVE CHEESE POWDER ON YOUR CHIN." i interjected and said "well you were the one that opened them up last night! i just wanted a little taste." he said, "A LITTLE TASTE?!?! A LITTLE TASTE?!?! there are cheeseballs EVERYWHERE L, there was no 'little' involved." i said, "well, i....OK I'M SORRY I GOT CHEESEBALL PUFF EVERYWHERE IN YOUR CAR. I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO TRY THEM I GRABBED LIKE A HUNDRED AND THEY FLEW OUT OF MY HANDS. sorry."

so heed my warning fair friends. if you see those wretchedly delicious cheeseballs in the chip aisle of your favorite target store, please do, go ahead and buy them they are worth every penny, but take a nice ladylike handful, one that will not destroy your husband's car or your usual, most-lovely grandeur.

sock confusion.

JJ: "these socks feel funny"
me: "why"
JJ: "i don't know."
me: "that's so stupid, let me see them."
.....
me: "GOD DAMMIT JJ THOSE ARE MY BRAND NEW SOCKS FROM J.CREW! LIKE, DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THAT THE HEEL OF THE SOCK IS LITERALLY IN THE ARCH OF YOUR FOOT???!!!!!!"
JJ: "well they're brown. why do you have brown socks?"


ay yi yi.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Legolas

the worst thing ever in life is when you have Legolas hair...you know...Legolas from lord of the rings.

here are 2 hideous examples:





well i guess in the second one i look more like danny tanner from full house. but you get the idea. flat, horrible stringy Legolas hair, be damned!!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

total eclipse of my heart

for most couples it's politics, religion, money, or even what to have for dinner on fridays....the one little argument that you just can't seem to push past. the one that keeps coming up over and over but is never quite resolved--and definitely not agreed upon. in our household that petty argument is about Whose Team Are You On?

and no it's not about sports.

COME ON PEOPLE. we are a twilight nation!

TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB?!?!



i am team edward. obviously. because after robert pattinson made his debut in harry potter as cedric diggory, my heart was aflutter. i loved him as cedric and i love him even better as edward. besides being completely and utterly sexy in every facet, edward is mature and makes rational, well thought-out decisions. jacob, while absurdly muscular for a boy his age, thinks only in an animalistic sense--using the primitive* and instinctual part of his brain to make irrational choices. i'd rather make out with a vampire and run the risk of his fang cutting my lip than kiss a guy who, in his wareworlf state, would probably attract the attention of my dog.

nevertheless. we all have our arguments...some don't appreciate edward's sparkling skin, and others disagree that he and bella were meant for each other. regardless, TONIGHT JJ AND I ARE GOING TO SEE ECLIPSE! and we are TOTALLY thrilled. we saw the first two together in the theaters (when we went to twilight, Cleo was just a baby brand new puppy so we snuck her in...we didn't want to leave her alone at home...aren't we weird??) and we are pumped to go to the third story in the saga together. JJ will be all pish posh twilight...and roll his eyes but really during the movies he is riveted...on the edge of his seat (quite a feat for Mr. ADD who can't sit through an episode of The Office to save his soul).

i even registered for an account on movietickets.com in order to reserve us 2 tickets for the 7:45 showing downtown, preluded by a dinner feast at taco bell. yesss!!

but the real hilarious part of all of this is JJ's (older but still young and beautiful sister) S sent him a text last night. it read, "2 glasses of wine, shirt with my boobs hanging out, ready to enjoy my young adult movie." to which he crumpled his face and said EWWW and to which i died laughing. she was at the late night showing of Eclipse! LAUGH OUT LOUD. she ditched her husband and kids for the night to twihard the night away. MY KIND OF GIRL! anyway, this morning JJ got a text that said "oops. that was supposed to go to L." anyway, she told me today that edward is literally so sexy it's hard to watch him on screen. i mean, dear LORD, what am i going to do? i hope JJ doesn't see me wooing over ol ed tonight! but seriously i. cannot. wait. i heard this one is the best of the series!

anyway, i'm off to have some wine before my date with edward--i mean JJ ;-)

*i consider myself to be a primitive type of person. and i have a unique obsession and fascination with wolves, which may be a integral part of why i am Team Edward. i guess what i am trying to say is that maybe, quite possibly, i am a tad bit jealous of jake's ability to transform into my favorite wildlife beast. HOWEVER, i still think edward is hotter. just wanted to clarify and be fair.

my july

it's july. and i feel like it belongs to me. because it kind of does. it's our 1-year anniversary this month!! and more importantly, my birthday month (JK...kind of) but i really think no one loves their birthday more than me. i make everyone do whatever i say because i'm the queen of the day. and the other morning was spent making my own party invitations (don't be offended if you don't get one i only sent like 7...to my family, fab5, moon and Rah) and they have a poem that i made up about myself along with a picture of me. ghoddd how much more vain can i possibly get??

i also went to jazzercise for the first time in like...forever with Rah. and the only reason i went is because i got new gear. i.e. new shorts and a new sports bra. and you know when you get new exercise gear you are just ITCHING to wear it and when you finally do, you feel extra cool and there is a little extra special kick in your step. and let me tell you something SO cool: the owner/main instructor Carol, asked me and Rah to become certified jazzercise instructors!!! hahahahha but seriously. i guess we are just THAT GOOD at it now. pat on back.

also, baby P tries to eat these plants that grow in their backyard that kind of look like berries and yesterday i caught her so i stuck my finger in her mouth to get the chewed up foliage out of there and she bit me. really hard. like i had a little red indent in my finger. and when i yelled, "YOUCH!" she smiled knowingly and purposefully at me. little shit.

peony season is almost over so every single time i pass costco, i go in and buy a bunch. i can't help myself. they are so delightful.

Cleo hasn't pooped/peed in the house once since my parents built the chickenwire fence around the MH. wonderful!

happy july tra la la !

ps who doesn't love a patriotic pin up girl???





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