Sunday, August 29, 2010

i'm frighteningly ugly...

but JJ caught me by surprise by snapping this pic of me tonight while i was enjoying my burger, fries and sauce, blissfully unaware of the pain my delicious D'Lish meal would reap on my stomach later.

chanel needs a diet

got a lil fat roll caught on the edge of my laptop. OMG FATTY!!!

Cleo's Breath

last night after work i got home and hopped into bed. and this is what i got to snuggle with:


and it was like she heard my thoughts of happiness when i looked at her because she popped up and came crawling up between me and JJ. and JJ said, "Cleo your breath smells like a dirty salmon hatchery"


that is the most true thing ever in life because that is exactly what her breath smells like. her breath is THE MOST disgusting smell. she has HORRID halitosis.


on Friday night Rah and i went on an impromptu girls' night away in Crescent Bar or CB. it's near the Gorge for you Washingtonians. and. O.M.G. IT WAS SOOOO FUN!!! Rah's cousin Sand and her husband have a house there and it's gorgeous. so Rah and i arrived earliest and we immediately made drinks and put on our bikinis to head out to the pool. we left because one of us had to make a doodie. we got back to the house and immediately found out that dumbass Rah brought the wrong keys. so we were locked out. OF COURSEEEEEEEE.

then Rah's cousins Sand & Min and another friend E came. and guess what?!?! i made DINNER FOR EVERYONE HOW GREAT AM I?!?! everyone loved the meal and was quite impressed. i made angel hair pasta with marinara sauce and we had red wine. and Rah made the best margaritas ever that doubled as hydrators BECAUSE SHE MADE THEM WITH GATORADE MIX HOW BRILL!!! then we gossiped and got dressed to go out and parrrtayyy! we ended up running into some total douches we went to college with but other than that OMG it was SO FUN. we seriously danced the whole night away and drank a million drinks. and at the end of the night i requested Shania Twain OBVIOUSLY and the DJ with 4 earrings in his nose and 2 in his eyebrow just glared at me. then i felt like a fool. because i requested Shania Twain and i was wearing cowboy boots. how predictable.

we got home and PTFO (me on the bathroom floor of course) and in the morning we took a stroll down to get some breakfast bagels and water/coffee. and we all laid around eating and reading garb magazines.

when it was time for me and Rah to leave :'-( we said our goodbyes and rode in the car miserably hungover back to Spoke. and i ate a whole bag of salt n vinegar chips and on our drive home Sand called and said, "L, you forgot your wallet..." SONOFAMOTHERFUDGER COME ONNNNNNN L, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!?!?!?! so now i am moneyless and ID-less...and i have never been more frustrated. and obviously i can't leave my house because you leave your house to spend money but i haven't any money to spend. sigh. JJ says it's really a good thing which made me want to punch him because i want to buy this adorable swimsuit on clearance RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT BUT I CAN'T. maybe i will steal JJ's credit card when he's showering and buy my swimsuit.

and also this poses another problem: i am supposed to go to dinner and wine with friends tomorrow. WELL GUESS WHAT I DON'T HAVE MY ID TO ALLOW ME TO DRINK WINE. so i'm going to be the idiot who brings her passport to dinner (in which i literally look like a big large WNBA player) in order to drink wine. i'm such a loser.

i left my heart and my wallet in CB.


Striptease Fail

this is the most hilar video ever in life.

watch it by clicking here

i'm a man

so i have this app on my phone called iswap faces. basically it switches the faces of two people in a picture. and this is what it did when JJ and i switched:


college neighbors

so we have new neighbors. the couple with the loud child bought 4 acres of land to build on NO FAIR. so who moved in you asked?? 2 college student girls. and they always have people over for little parties and there are always sounds of happiness and beer-filled, youthful joy coming from their windows. so obviously JJ and i eavesdrop as much as we can because we think they're cooler than us.

well the other night i was yelling something weird to JJ like "OMG I GOTTA POOOOOOO!!!!!" and he got all embarrassed and was like, "shhh..." and i was like "what's your problem??" and he quietly and briskly walked through the house and shut the windows. i just stared at him. he was like "i didn't want the neighbors to hear you being weird"

OMG! like you seriously think they care about us enough to eavesdrop on us?!??!?! WE ARE SO BORING THEY DON'T CAREEEEE

calling all geriatrics!

the other day i cleaned out the cupboard below the bathroom sink. this cupboard was the bane of my existence. it's so small i can't even fit my bottle of big sexy hairspray in there. SO, i cleaned it out. i cleaned and i cleaned to my little heart's desire. and it looks SO GOOD! and i found 4 packs of blonde bobbi pins that i thought i kept losing. also i found one of my favorite makeup bags. and the curling iron i thought i lost. so now i have two. oh yeah and i also found TABS OF POLIDENT OMGGGGG i died laughing.

and do you want to know the grossest part?? AN OLD MAN LIVED HERE BEFORE US. WHICH WAS TWO YEARS AGO. which is also why our shower is huge. which i'm not complaining about. it's huge because he was in a wheelchair. so they had to make the bathroom shower bigger for his chair.

so that god damn Polident has been hanging around in the bathroom cupboard for over two years. and our shower is wheelchair friendly. if you're a geriatric with dentures, our home is the place for you!

Sea Pooch

i know is is another psycho post about my dog, but i don't care she's sooo adorable!!! we went boating with Rah and Nebluar and Cleo came. it was so fun! Cleo liked it for like 3 minutes then she hated the boat. but seriously look how CUTE she is in her little life jacket:

and here we are just enjoying life

and of course we had to put her in the water

and grumpy at the end of the day

inferno man

the other afternoon i got off work at 3:30. which is the perfect time for a nap, is it not?????? but i would have felt pretty worthless if i took at nap. so instead i plugged in the curling iron and decided to do my hair. well obviously i'm not going to stand in the bathroom and wait for the iron to heat up. so i popped onto the couch and cracked open a book.

the next thing i know it's 5:15 p.m. and JJ is barrelling through the door like the Spanish Inquisition all hungry and annoying and ready to party. i was like "OMG I'M SLEEPING SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" and he huffed away. then just as i was settling back into slumber, he screams like a girl from the other room. "L HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THE CURLING IRON IN THE SINK!?!!!?" and before you go yelling at me for not remembering Highlights magazine and the Goofus and Gallant section where Goofus leaves electronics on near water and you're supposed to learn a lesson and say "OH NO GOOFUS YOU CAN'T DO THAT," just let me tell you that we have ZERO counter space in our hole of a bathroom. ZERO. so i make sure the sink is dry and i turn on the curling iron and put it in the sink to heat up. when JJ and i first moved in together he like thought i was trying to commit suicide and was all worried that i never learned the Goofus and Gallant lesson as a child. anyway, it's a convenience thing. NO BIG DEAL.

back to the moment: JJ is screaming at me. and i'm like "WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!??!!?" and he's all L, I JUST PICKED UP YOUR CURLING IRON TO MOVE IT OUT OF THE SINK SO I COULD WASH MY HANDS" and i was like "ok, so....?" and he says, "WELL IT BURNED MY HAND!!!!!!!!!" and i said, "WHOA WHOA WHOA.....ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU GRABBED THE CURLING IRON BY THE SILVER HOT BARREL?!?!?! SORRY DUDE, THAT IS 100% YOUR OWN FAULT. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO GRAB THE SILVER PART OF THE CURLING IRON OMG!!!!" and then he said, "WELL WHY IN THE HELL IS THE CURLING IRON ON ANYWAY!?!?!" and then i had to admit that, well, i was going to curl my hair then i fell asleep on the couch for two hours instead. he was thoroughly irritated with me and even more irritated that i didn't apologize for the burn. but seriously. he grabbed the SILVER HOT BARREL COME ONNNNNNNNNNN that is NOT my faullllllt.

later that evening he was still sulking but agreed to make us popcorn so we could watch Seinfeld in bed while enjoying a treat. i climbed into bed to wait for him and then i heard a faint yelp from the kitchen. JJ came back dramatically limping into the room and i asked him what the problem was this time and he said, "one of the hot popcorn kernels fell on the ground and i stepped on it and burned my foot." so i put my hand over my mouth and took a few deep breaths. it was all i could do not to burst into happy tears of laughter. pooooooooor JJ, so i held back the laughter and rubbed burt's bees banana cream on his burns. and said "i'm so sorry about your burns, and i'm so sorry i left the curling iron on in the sink and that you stupidly grabbed the silver hot barrel with your bare hand. i love you." and i coddled him until he was satisfied.

i'm such a nice wife.

sorry for the hiatus!! & counting sheep

i've been non-blogging for like a million years SORRRRYYYYYY. i have a million things to write about but then i have a million things that i HAVE to do...and then my poor little blog gets put on the back burner.

first, note the poll on the right side of the blog. it is quite possibly THE MOST IMPORTANT POLL OF YOUR LIFE. please vote thanks. (and to the person who voted "no" you are an absolute asshole).

i really have been busy. chasing around M, S & P, trying to figure out life after Spoke, planning my writer's workshop/visit Moon trip to NY (!!!!) and also i am having weird troubles falling asleep at night. probably because i sleep in until like 8:30 every morning now. JJ has to pull me out of bed and throw me on the ground to get me up. which is very unlike me. i am usually a bright eyed and bushy tailed annoyingly sunshiney bunny in the morning. lately i have been an grumpy 16-year-old boy in the morning. but since i sleep in now, JJ falls asleep WAY before me and i have no one to talk to but my brain inside my head. and then i try counting sheep. which is like the weirdest thing ever. where did that come from? is that an American thing like the 4x4 cheeseburger, will ferrlel movies and football? i just don't understand it. how stupid is it to lay in bed int he dark and picture animals jumping over a fence?!?!?!? and i don't know about your counting sheep, but mine are the fluffy white cartoon version on the top of a cartoon grassy knoll with the yellow cartoon moon and stars and for some reason there's always pink cartoon flowers growing on the grassy knoll.

whether or not counting sheep works for you, it's totally bizarre that it's a cultural norm for us to know what it is. just like how we all know the phrase "sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite" LIKE WHAT?!?!?! NO!!! OMG!!! I'M 5 YEARS OLD MOM, DON'T TALK ABOUT BUGS IN MY BED BITING ME RIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP IN A DARK ROOM. anyway, i think counting sheep is stupid. and it's supposed to calm you. and get you to fall asleep. and i did it the other night for lack of anything else to do in the dark laying in bed. and do you know how that ended???? HUH!??!?!

i woke up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat because i dreamt that a shark came and ate both my legs so i just had two little nubs to walk around on.

never counting sheep again

Thursday, August 19, 2010

i'm hoppin this trend train

there is an uber cool girl i went to college with whose facebook is most fun to look at because she and her friends wear things like these:

OMFG I HAVE NEVER WANTED SOMETHING SO BAD IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE EVER. except world peace. and LV luggage. ohandonemorething: a Burberry harness for Cleo.

but seriously. how great are these?? they're called Spirit Hoods. they are popping up on fashion blogs and they are TOTALLY going to be THE IT THING this fall/winter. even Ke$ha has one.

need one. NOW.

want one too?? click here

uggs are always

i got to thinking about the Big Move to California and it dawned on me that i'm going to dreadfully miss a vital item on my List Of Favorite Winter/Christmas Things: ......outerwear. sure i will be able to wear my adorable warm coats, but what about mittens and wool caps and scarves?!?!!?!? and GOD FORBID i go through December without wearing Uggs!!!!!!! HOGWASH I TELL YOU!!! but wait, don't the California girls wear their Uggs with skirts?? weren't Uggs created in Australia by a surfer?!?!? yes and yes. so i will wear my beloved Uggs through the winter months, after all, my dad used to wear them when it was not an acceptable time for a middle-aged man to be wearing Uggs...

he had a pair before they were cool. my Mimi bought them for him on a trip to Australia. he wore them as slippers--which coincidentally meant he wore them everywhere--even places where slippers aren't recognized as appropriate footwear. his favorite way to wear them was with sweatpants tucked into them. tres chic. once they became popular with the tweens, teens and young adult woman, my mom forbid him to wear them probably out of fear that he would look like a creep trying to match 16-year-old girls. he promptly ignored her demands and wore them anyway, free and creepy and proud.

i shall channel my Inner-Creepy-Dad and wear my Uggs in Rancho Cucamonga just as freely--just as proud.

rancho cucamongross

i should have known when we had to make an emergency stop for me to poo that i wasn't going to like my new town. needless to say i was unimpressed with rancho cucamonga. it is a new town, with a god damn Chili's and T.G.I.Fridays on every corner. everything is brand new, there isn't much character. i was also on my period when we got there so i cried every time i saw a Ralph's grocery store (which was about 38 times). all the houses look the same. like if i had a nice glass of wine at a friend's house (this is a fake friend, as i don't yet have any in CA), i would crawl back to my neighborhood and literally not know which house was ours. because that's how similar they are. and then my (fake) neighbors wouldn't like me because i would be The Girl Who Drinks & Forgets Where She Lives. and no one wants to be That Girl. anyway, we have decided to rent for now, until we can figure out if we want to buy a house or not.

but enough about the cons! let's get to the goods:

1. Victoria Gardens. which is a ginormous shopping center (where a gypsy shoved a baby wearing rags into my face for pity money. i can spot a gypsy immediately. in Italy i learned how easy it was to spot a gypsy because they all have dark hair and blue eyes. i also learned in Italy that gypsies aren't to be trusted. Moon had to give me an entire lecture on gypsies before we went to Notre Dame, and still i stopped when a gypsy woman bent over and said in perfect English, "is this yours?" while holding out a gold ring. before i had time to say "no, that's not mine, thanks for asking," Moon grabbed my elbow and rushed me along. "gypsy," she said. "that's how they steal from you. they get you interested in the gold ring that isn't yours and then they pickpocket the shit out of you." anyway, so when this gypsy approached me at Victoria Gardens, i just held my purse closer to my body and refused to make eye contact. but it's sad really, that she was using a baby. but seriously...why are there gypsies in Rancho Cucamonga?????????) ANYWAY, there are wonderful stores in Victoria Gardens and shopping always makes me happy, so i enjoyed myself while there.

2. the baseball field where JJ is going to work. i felt comfortable there. i had such a great sense of community and closeness. i saw lots of families and old people (who doesn't love old people???), and it seemed like a place i will enjoy being. now to find a friend half as fun as Rah at Chiefs hockey games to attend these baseball games with me...

3. lots of Targets.

4. Cleo will love all the parks.

5. i will have JJ. and although i was disappointed in what the town had to offer, i know that this will be a fun adventure for me and ol JJ.


yesterday while babysitting, S said to me: "L, you're a lady. not like an old old lady but a pretty looking old lady."

didn't know whether to punch him for calling me old or kiss him for calling my pretty.

later, when we were watching The Adventures of Milo & Otis (WHO DOESN'T LOVE THAT MOVIE?!?!!?), S made took another swing at my age by saying, "this movie is old. was it made in the olden days when you were a kid?"

visiting Dee

i had lunch with Dee last week. yes, Dee from apartment 712 at Rockwood. she wanted to visit with Cleo, so the mutt and i drove on over and had a talk about No Pooping On Our Friend Dee's White Carpet, then picked up a potted orchid and knocked on Dee's door.

she was so thrilled to see us and Cleo adores her because Dee gets down on the ground and wrestles with her. an 8o-something woman wrestling on the ground with a dog! amazing!

we had a great time. we had a nice lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and cantaloupe and water and chatted about our health and my upcoming move. at the end of the day before i left she said, "L, if you know of any guy my age who is taller than you, likes to dance and drink a little and who can drive at night, send them my way." will do, Dee!

Dee & Cle

Me & Dee & Cle

stylish pup

first, i'm so glad that you my readers take precautions in the sun. good for you.

secondly, it's 1:48 p.m. and i have a bottle of wine ready to open. Cleo and i have big plans......BECAUSE THIS CAME TODAY:

600 pages of fall fashion. eeeeeee!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


JJ and i went to target together. which is a very rare experience. i love him, but we absolutely can't shop together. among MANY reasons, including his impatience in the women's clothing department, (he times me. gives me literally 45 seconds), this is an example of the NUMBER ONE REASON I CAN'T GO SHOPPING WITH MY HUSBAND:

i have a strategy at target. like, don't mess with my target habits. i go on a very specific route, and i don't like when it's tampered with. in the food section i get the same things every time. INCLUDING: 2 boxes of market pantry brand granola bars that are chocolate chip and peanut butter flavored. and i love them. i eat one each day. so i grabbed the two boxes and put them in the cart. forward to checkout...

as we are loading things onto the conveyor belt, i only see one box of my market pantry brand chocolate and peanut butter granola bars. "JJ WHERE IS MY OTHER BOX?!?!?" "what are you talking about?" i said again, calmly "JJ. I HAD 2 BOXES OF MY FAVORITE GRANOLA BARS HERE, WHERE IS THE OTHER BOX?!?!" and he said, "i don't know what could have happened to it L, i only see one box, are you sure you didn't only grab one?" i mean REALLY?! he is going to question my pathological and strategical treks through target!?!?!? "I GRABBED TWO BOXES JJ, GHOD!!!!!!!!" then i gave him my snake eye look while i slid my card through the payment machine. that's when i spotted a box of fiber one bars. BUSTED. because i would never buy fiber one bars. because they wash out my stomach faster than i can finish eating one. and NO ONE wants that in the car on the way to work.

so as i was pushing the cart out to the car i said, "I KNOW YOU SWITCHED ONE OF MY BOXES FOR THE STUPID FIBER ONE BARS" and he was all nonchalant about it, "oh yeah, i totally forgot i did that, it took me a while to figure it out." "LIES!!!! YOU KNEW IT THE WHOLE TIME YOU ASS!"


and just yesterday we were taking Cleo for a walk on a trail through the forest. and every 5 seconds I'M NOT KIDDING YOU, JJ would let a monster-sized fart that would echo through the trees. and i got so annoyed like COME ON, CONTROL YOURSELF YOU DO NOT NEED TO FART THAT MUCH. and he was like "i'm's the fiber one bars"

aslkdfjflsklakdfsdfs ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?

Monday, August 9, 2010

mom goes out

last thursday night i stayed up too late. i watched some episodes of project runway with my sister CA and when it was about midnight, i decided to head to bed. when i realized: my mother was out with her friend...STILL! and we hadn't heard from her. it was definitely past her curfew, and i was worried. so i called her 3 times in a row (ignored my calls, rude) and i texted her (ignored my texts, double rude!) i said, "MOM! where are you?!?! it's late, and we haven't heard from you!" and i waited a while before i typed "MOM!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!" 15 minutes later she finally responds, "i'm fine! be home in a bit! xoxo" so she thinks being sweet and typing "xoxo" is going to get her out of trouble?? huh?? CA and i were relieved and went to sleep. i made her sleep in my room.

at 2 in the morning i suddenly awoke, with my mother standing over me. "AH! WHAT?!?!" i said. she was like "YOU TEXTED ME 'MOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?' I WANTED TO CHECK ON YOU! I WAS WORRIED!" and i was like "MOM, i texted that to YOU when you weren't responding to me. like 2 hours ago." and then she was all "why do you guys have all the blankets on, it's really hot" and we were like "OMG MOM WE DON'T KNOW, WE WERE SLEEPING. IT'S 2 AM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOVERING OVER OUR BED!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!" and then she was like "well i can't sleep now" and it was just this dramatic exchange between mother and children. it went from me and CA worried sick about mom's big night out, to her being scared about our safety in the middle of the night because her phone sent her our text 2 hours late.

funny how roles can be reversed...then changed back again to their rightful place.

dead cat = lesson learned

my Uncle S thinks cats are good for only one thing...

to teach children about death and dying.


i mean i have seen a lot of cats come and go in my life, but i have loved them. they taught me more than that.

what do you think??

KFC wet wipes

while we were in Olympia shopping downtown, someone sideswiped my cousin's truck that we borrowed for the week. and didn't leave a note! but a nice man saw what happened and left his number on the windshield and got the license plate number of the hit-and-runner. i was appalled! i couldn't believe there were really hit-and-runners out there, how RUDE!

until i remembered....

back in the good ol' days of driving The Purple Bullet (i.e. blueish-purple ford taurus grandma car),

i would underestimate her size. she was a wide woman. she took up like the entire space in a target parking lot. well one time i gently swiped the car next to me whilst pulling out of said parking spot. damn! i panicked and really didn't know what to do. there was a small blueish-purple scratch on the other car! i didn't know what to do and i didn't want my parents to find out and kill me. so i racked my brains--and my car--and alas! one KFC wipe is what i found! one little measly KFC wet wipe. so i opened the package and scrubbed faithfully with all of my heart. and OMG IT WORKED. IT FUDGING WORKED YOU GUYS! the scratch disappeared!!! i spread the good news to all of my friends, and now i'm spreading it on to you--KFC wet wipes are like magic, carry one with you always. i ran into a pole at the gas station once in clear daylight and got a yellow scratch on my car...and wham! i KFC'd the shit out of it--good as new! it's a revelation!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

mimi loves vamps


on thursday morning Mimi got out of bed wearing.......a Team Edward shirt. i literally died laughing. i could not stop. i asked my cousin Noni what the heck our grandmother was doing in a Team Edward shirt. she said, "she and Papa went to a party where everyone had to dress like teenagers."


antique store expedition

so the roadtrip i mentioned in the post below was a fun one! it was the one i talked about the antique store in Westport! our plan was to drive straight there form my parents' house, shop and head to Olympia to stay with Mimi & Papa for a night before heading back to Selah.

we had so much fun. my mom and i talked, MM was glued to her ipod for a while, and we played car games. we got to Westport and i couldn't remember how to get to the antique store, but i DID remember how to get to the adorable candy store! so we went in and got like 12 pounds of sea salt taffy, asked for directions to the antique store and went on our way. we arrived at the antique store......and. it. was. closed. CLOSED. AOIUFIOSUT()$WRU(#)QPRUOWIGEIOJF@)(RU#IOWEJFEOJAFDIJKLSFJLFSA_)@EPWOQKLF(&#*($&@($&. it's only open thursday-sunday. OMG. it was incredulous. we decided we would head to Olympia for the night and come back to Westport the next day. so we got back into the car and gorged ourselves with taffy. we had dinner with Mimi & Papa, Uncle S and the cousins Walk, Win & Noni. it was too much fun. i totally got the scoop on what iphone apps were cool from my younger and much more up-to-date cousins. i'm totally cool now.

we woke up the next morning and went shopping for about an hour, and i got totally cute things that my mom bought me! how nice of her. now that i'm a cut off married adult and everything :) thnx momz. i have the best momz ever. i love momz with a "z" on the end.

then we headed BACK OUT TO WESTPORT again. we had lunch and popped into the antique store. we found the BEST STUFF EVER. including an all-white china hutch. which i fell in LOVE with. except we figured out that it wouldn't fit in the truck we drove over in. TYPICAL. MY LUCK IS AWFUL. but in the end it was OK because i got great things! i got a really cool ol green and white coffee table, a little white chest and an old wooden blue-green square chest! i also got an irritatingly floral pink pillow for our couch just to remind JJ that i was still mad at him for not joining me on the trip.

the thing about rompers

i love rompers. they are SO cute. and so comfortable. and they look PHENOM with cowboy boots. but here is the thing about wearing halter rompers without a bra:

you have to be complete naked from the waist up while you pee.

this week my sister MM, my mom and i went on a road trip. we stopped at jack in the box for lunch and to pee. and i was wearing the halter romper sans bra.

as i settled in to relieve myself in the bathroom, i looked up and noticed the gigantic space between the stall and the wall. you know the one? sometimes public restrooms are stupid and don't really cover you all the way. well basically i could see the 3 people in line behind me through the crack. and there i was, sitting what looked like TOPLESS in the JACK IN THE BOX RESTROOM OMG. so i awkwardly shrunk down and covered my boobs with my upper-arms and hunched over. i wiped in a flash and quickly pulled the romper back up.

as i went out to wash my hands, one of the girls in line said, "i really like your outfit." i'm not sure if she was serious, or if she caught a glimpse of my boobie.

free punch?

you know how babies can accidentally hurt you?? Baby P has head butted me before on accident and it was soooo painful. but i gently set her down and stood up and held my throbbing nose. here is a story my mother recently told me...

when i was 6 months old my dad was holding me and i accidentally head butted him. he was so shocked that he immediately reacted and flicked me in the forehead. i started screaming and my mom ran into the room. apparently i had a welt in my forehead for days.

i think this incident provides enough evidence for me to legally have one free punch to my dad's face, what do you think??

the most important things

my sister CA is dating a charming young man who was raised very humbly. his mother makes the family bread instead of buying it at the grocery store and it is DIVINE. the children were all homeschooled until high school. there is one family car that everyone shares, and no one has a cell phone. i literally don't know how he lives without a cell phone, and yet i'm kind of jealous. sometimes i wish i wasn't so...connected.

anyway, my sisters, my mom and i were discussing CA's boyfriend. i told her that if she married him, she was not allowed to homeschool her children, and that they would have cell phones. it was a very opinionated statement, i realize but i was serious. she rolled her eyes at me. and i said, "CA, IF YOU HOMESCHOOL YOUR CHILDREN, I SWEAR THAT I'M....I'M....I'M GOING TO SNEAK THEM JELLYBEANS AND PORN!"

because obviously jellybeans and porn are the most important things in life.


i had a darling necklace that broke. and so i superglued it back together. and to make it stick extra well, i held the necklace between my teeth and pressed down. i held it there for 10 seconds and set it down. then all of a sudden it felt like i had fire in my mouth. my whole mouth burned and even my throat was itchy. i FREAKED OUT and called my mom and was like "OHMYGOD MOM! i just ingested superglue from the dollar store and on the back of the tube is says DO NOT PUT IN MOUTH and that is exactly what i did! OHMYGOD I'M GOING TO DIE!!!! WHAT DO I DO!??!?!?!?!?!?!" and the heartless woman started laughing at me. she was like "L, don't freak out. you didn't eat the whole tube, a small drop got in your mouth you aren't going to die." and i was like "MOM, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A TRUSTWORTHY BRAND LIKE ELMER'S. IT'S FROM THE DOLLAR STORE. IT IS POISONOUS!!!" and she laughed again. and said, "well, if you're so upset, call poison control center." and i was like "I CALLED YOU FOR HELP. i'm not going to call the poison control center, i'm embarrassed of the story of how i got superglue in my mouth." and she said, "well there you go, if you were really going to die, you would just call them. you're being a little dramatic. you're OK!"

touche, mom.

the lender

since we are moving, JJ and i have been peeking at houses. we are going to CA next weekend to look at places to live. how exciting! but before we could make an appointment to look, we needed to be pre-approved by a lender. a real estate agent i spoke with referred me to a lender. i called him and he asked for all of my information including my social security number. i gave it to him. then he asked me fore JJ's. and i panicked and said "i'llcallyoubackbye" and dialed JJ's number. i freaked out because of that commercial where the fake bank asks people for hair samples and asks what kind of underwear they wear, etc. etc. so i was like "OMG I GAVE MY INFORMATION TO THIS GUY HE'S GOING TO COME AND HUNT ME DOWN AND CHOP OFF MY HEAD AND MAX OUT MY CREDIT CARD AT SEARS OMG OMG OMG" and JJ told me to calm down and scolded me for being naive about my information. i gave him the lender's number and he called him to see if he was indeed coming to chop off my head and max out my credit card at sears.

in the end, the lender proved to be a trustworthy man who told us our credit was outstanding and he pre-approved us! cool!

but am going to be a little bit of a skeptic and be paranoid about the man. i do not want my head chopped off before i am a homeowner.

white trash 24

most of the Fab 5 (minus LJ) came to Spoke for my birthday weekend. i got so excited that i made party favors for everyone that included pillowcases, panties, toothbrushes, gumballs, crackers, popcorn and balloons. they were tres ADORABLE and everyone loved them.

they got here and we immediately cracked open a bottle of "Bitch" wine and started the gabfest. JJ went straight to bed. the next morning we arose bright and early to start our nice white trash day at Silverwood theme park in good ol Idaho. we all dressed to impress. (i.e. i was wearing my "my boyfriend bought me a ford" tshirt and Sam was wearing a shirt with lips on it...the pattern of the lips done in American flag print, see the common theme here??)

it was so fun. we went on all the scary rides, even though Kit-Kat and i were ready to shit our pants on half of them. KKiss and Sam knew their way around the park like a coupla pros, and we started front-butt and tattoo tallies. the front-butt one got to like 3,000. after that, we stopped counting. the tattoo tally on the other hand, had the opposite effect. Sam and i were fully convinced that we were going to get tattoos the next morning. we even called to see when the nearest parlor opened. OMG. (obvs the first thing Sam said to me the next morning was, "we're not getting tattoos, right?" phew.) anyway, this was the worst tattoo we saw that day:

you can't see it that well, but it was a dream catcher...with the air jordan symbol right in the middle. nice.

that night JJ made us burgers. i poured us some beach bellinis. and we got ready and went out. i had no idea of a fun, young dance place to go out in Spokane. i only know little dive bars, and we were all dolled up ready to rock n roll. i wore the dress Moon got me for my birthday. i call it "Octopus Chic"

we had JJ drive us around downtown until we saw somewhere we wanted to go. he pointed out a place where "my friend D goes here with his girlfriend" and i was like "OMG STOP! D IS SO COOL, SO WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING HERE." this is the sign that was on the door. we should have known right then...

how lame is that sign?????

also, we saw 3 white trash brides there. like literal brides. who decided to go to this club bar after their wedding. and we saw at least 46 bachelorettes. it was QUITE a sight. and i had my first "i'm old and 24 moment" whereinwhich i was next in line at the bar and a tiny young 19-year-old with a backless dress and long hair swooped in, slowly blinked her eyelashes, and put on her demure face on before ordering her drink. how am i supposed to compete with a 19-year-old?!?!? sigh. old. OH, and we saw this couple making out for 10 straight minutes, without coming up for air:

we partied hard and had a BRILLIANT time with all the trash. we called JJ to pick us up and we went to a pub and ordered a ton of fries and mozerella sticks. we proceeded to shovel it all into our faces before gesturing with our hands "another round please" to the waiter.

we got home, ate the rest of my ice cream cake and PTFO. we arose at 5 a.m. to hydrate and sleep for another 3 hours. then we crawled out of bed and threw on pants before heading to D'Lish. a perfect hangover cure. at least i thought. we got home and a member of the fab 5 puked as soon as we walked in the door.

i smiled, considering the weekend to be a complete and utter success.

pet names

here is the list of dog and cat names that my family or i have had throughout my life...that i can remember:

Ebbie (cocker spaniel)
Madison "Maddy" (golden retriever)
Mickey (striped cat)
Oscar (overweight siamese cat)
Jasmine (light grey cat)
Aladdin (black cat. Jasmine's son. my mom ran him over as a kitten)
Bo (black cocker spaniel)
Ashley (grey and white cat)
Libby (black and white cat)
Jack (golden retriever + lab mix)
Bridgette (black cat)
Ginger (the ugliest calico cat you have ever seen in life)
Lola (golden retriever + poodle mix. more commonly known as a "golden doodle")
Courtney (brown and black mixed cat)
Herm├Ęs (orange cat)
Chanel (extremely overweight grey furry as hell cat)
Foxy Cleopatra (yorkie + maltese mix)
Hank (golden doodle)

what is noticeable about all of these names is that they could all be considered to be "human names." Moon and i had a heated discussion about proper pet names. (we also had a heated discussion about graphic character tees on children, but that's a different story for a different day). Moon seems to think that animals should have quirky names, while i disagree. i think pets should have names that are cutesy and slightly human. for instance, the two pets i have now, Chanel and Cleopatra, have names that i would never use to name a baby human, but essentially COULD be used as such. Moon on the other hand, has had a cat named Cheez-it. who, by the way, once peed on an entire package of costco muffins. probably in protest against his dumb name.

for example, Moon and i could both get an all white persian cat. while i would choose a regal sounding name like Isabel or Valentina, Moon would most likely choose Snowball or Fluffy.

the issue remains unresolved. agree to disagree is how we chose to end the discussion.

why did we start the discussion in the first place you ask? Moon is getting a kitten on Tuesday and she's naming it Spoinky.

i rest my case.


my boss and friend C and i were having a text conversation, in which she misspelled 2 words. she immediately corrected herself because she is an intelligent woman who doesn't spell things wrong. she suggested i write a blog about how Auto-Corrector is ruining our communication. which is VERY TRUE. for instance, if you have T9 text on your phone, i dare you to try and type my name "Lacie" i guarantee that T9 will predict "Labie" which is dangerously close to "Labia" which is not something i want or need in my life.

my point is, Auto-Corrector is an absolute ass. he is making us all look bad. especially with teens today, texting like mad 24/7. Auto-Corrector is going to allow them to make these mistakes, making our teens and society as a whole, dumber. For example:

common T9 mistakes include but are most definitely not limited to:
when trying to type... what you get...
cool book
lame jazz
if he
me of
home good

what words does Auto-Corrector ruin for you??

ipod quiz

OK, my 16 year-old sister MM sent me this quiz in an e-mail and i took it. the answers were HILAR, but mostly i was embarrassed by what i have on my ipod. you guys should try it...

1. Put your ipod on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.


What do your friends think of you?
Oh Christmas Tree (hahahahahahha i guess i really do love christmas...)

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne (shhh, guess it's a secret!)

How would you describe yourself?
Stupid Boy by Keith Urban (really? COME ON)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Sometimes by Britney Spears (sometimes....i like a funny one with a great smile)

How do you feel today?
If I Fall by The Dixie Chicks (if i fall....i'm going to be pissed off at Cleo because i most likely tripped over her)

What is your life’s purpose?
Rumors by Lindsay Lohan (i like to gossip)

What is your motto?
Deck the Halls by Aly & A.J. (told ya i like christmas)

What do you think about very often?
She Be The One by Enrique Iglesias (i'm not a lesbian)

What is 2 + 2?
L.O.V.E. by Ashlee Simpson (2+2=love. i like it)

What do you think of your best friend?
This Is What Dreams Are Made Of by Hilary Duff (no words. just embarrassed that i have Hilary Duff on my ipod)

What do you think of the person you like?
Whiskey Girl by Toby Keith (AGAIN WITH THE LESBIANISM!!!)

What is your life story?
I'll Be Here Awhile by 311 (seriously! i'm not going anywhere)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
From a Distance by Bette Midler (OMG I HAVE BETTE MIDLER ON MY IPOD KILL ME)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton (true since i see JJ every single day. lucky!)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Juicy by Nortious B.I.G. (this is incredible. hhahahahahhaha JUICY AS A WEDDING SONG?!!!?! ok if that was real i would probably have a two piece wedding dress that showed by stomach. no, in real life it was to a lovely little James Taylor Song)

What will they play at your funeral?
When You Kiss Me by Shania Twain (awww....but please don't kiss my dead body)

What is your hobby/interest?
Do It Big by Webbie (like, i don't even know what this song is. i definitely did not put it on my ipod. but DO IT BIG is a nice slogan for a hobby/interest i would shopping. JJ: "L, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!??! YOU SPENT $1.8 MILLION DOLLARS TODAY AT PRADA!?!!??!?!" L: "JJ, i do it big.")

What is your biggest fear?
Sheets of Egyptian Cotton by Jesse Spencer (ok, this song is from the Uptown Girls soundtrack. if ever my ipod was stolen, i think the recipient would be extremely disappointed. BY THE WAY, i am not even kind of afraid of egyptain cotton sheets. go ahead and buy me some, just so i can prove it to you)

What is your biggest secret?
One Night Stand by Enrique Iglesias (I'M MARRIED OMG! i sound like a hussy--swear i'm not!!!)

What do you think of your friends?
Honey! I'm Home by Shania Twain (sometimes i wish all my friends lived in my house)

What do you think of your outfit today?
I'm Everything I Am Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion (yes, you do love me, adorable ruffly sandals that i got on sale at TJ Maxx for $29)

What does the person you like think of you?
Can't Wait to be King from The Lion King (THAT MEANS I'M QUEEN DUH)

How do you want to be remembered?
You Can't Take the Honkey Tonk Outta the Girl by Brooks & Dunn (true)

What will you post this as?
She's Not the Cheating Kind by Brooks & Dunn (see, told you i didn't have a one night stand?? ghod, Enrique, you're making me look bad)
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