Tuesday, September 28, 2010


sorry for the hiatus. figuring my life out!

have lots to say and stories to tell, i will update you bitches later.

Friday, September 17, 2010

tv friend

by the way...Cleo is going to be a ladybug for halloween--how ADORABLE!

i once wanted to be a black widow for halloween but the dream was cut short by the cumbersome reality of dealing with 8 legs all night.

i probably won't even dress up this year. because we are old. and don't have any friends who would invite us to parties anyway. could i be any more negative?



Modern Family
Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
Gossip Girl
The Office
Parks and Recreation
American Dad
Ellen Degeneres

and that is an embarrassingly large list. but at the same time, i really won't have any friends when we move, so TV will be my friend. OMG THAT'S EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING. but until i find some real human friends, i will THOROUGHLY BE ENJOYING MY FALL LINEUP! and i probably forgot a few.

urinals are for men?

during the scouring of the M.H. in preparation for the Big Move, i discovered the Valentine's Day gift JJ got me this year: a $100 gift certificate to the spa! it was one of his better gifts, let me tell you. and so i made an appointment for wednesday to have a facial, a mani and a pedi. and it was HEAVEN I TELL YOU. every woman needs a spa day once a year, i'm a strong believer. it's ultimately relaxing and wonderful to pamper yourself for a few hours.

and the facial was just-OHMYGOD-just AMAZING. with the steam that you breathe, and the scented candles and the music that sets the mood just right...you fall into a light sleep as the person is massaging your face--it's just unreal. after it was over, i was aglow with delight and a sense serenity. i was also very drowsy and still waking up and coming back to normal life form my facial euphoria. so much so that i walked into the bathroom and wasn't even fazed by the urinals lining the walls. in fact, it was not until i saw framed pictures of baseball players that i realized i was in the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OMG KILL ME. i ran out of there, but once i was out, i just started laughing really loud at myself. there was only one person who caught me, the towel lady. and i didn't even care. because it was so hilarious that i am stupid enough to walk into the men's room and not realize it by seeing the urinals. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?

that little experience brought me right back to the hustle bustle of daily life--life as i know it--full to the brim of the awkward and idiot things that i do.


so the monday morning after i was done babysitting all weekend, i woke up sick as a dawg. so sick. i couldn't even get out of bed. i had body aches and a sore throat and i was beyond fatigued. so i texted CP "sick today, so sorry, can't work" and stayed in bed literally all day. i watched like 8 Kardashian episodes and a shitty lifetime movie. and napppppped alllll day. and JJ came home at lunch to check on me and wouldn't come past the doorway. you'd think i had the plague. he was like "i'll make you some theraflu and give you some tylenol then i'm leaving." he was SO insensitive, while on the other hand, his wife treats him like a KING when he's sick (har har). and you know who else didn't get out of bed all day either? Cleo. we just lounged around all day moping and complaining to ourselves and getting lost in the E! channel. when nightfall came, i was starting to feel a bit better. it was monday, so of course JJ was nowhere to be found (i.e. glued to monday night football) and he came in the room only to give me more theraflu and a little dinner. that night he slept on the couch until like 3 am, and even in his sleep he avoided me. he laid on the tiniest 9% sliver of the bed all night and in the morning he jumped up and immediately requested that the sheets be sterilized. YES, YOUR HIGHNESS, I, THE SICK WOMAN, WILL WASH THE SHEETS GHODDDD. i was feeling better anyway, so i did it. but STILL. rude.

i was really sick, but it wasn't that bad since i didn't even TRY to do anything. it was a 24-hour thing in which i did not move from the bed but only to wee. and i haven't been sick in over a year, so it was time. i have the craziest immune system, i never. ever. get. sick. i'm lucky. but JJ not so much. he's had the flu 3 times since spring. he is definitely getting the flu shot. i am not. 1. because i hate them and 2. because i'm moderately allergic to eggs, which is where flu shots are created. did you know that??

child weekend

last weekend (from friday at 5:30 am until sunday at 10:30 pm), i babysat M, S and Baby P. we had a blast. from having an angry birds tournament on my phone, to watching arthur, to a rendezvous to The Chuck. as in Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid. also where germs can infest and breed in the ball pit faster than you can you can spend your tickets on cotton candy. but let me tell you, we had a blast. i even captured a picture of Baby P in the car on the way home, PTFO with a lollipop in her mouth. it's the cutest thing you've ever seen OMG!

S and M also had soccer games. S was picked up by a friend and M, P and i decided to get doughnuts before heading to the game. BABYSITTER OF THE YEAR AWARD: WE GOT THERE RIGHT AS IT ENDED AND HE SCORED 2 GOALS OMG. i felt so bad. but he got fruit snacks and a capri sun, so the sugar hyped him up enough so he wasn't even mad at me. phew.

Cleo and P were also bff the whole weekend. P calls her "Chio" and chases her all around the house screaming with delight. and Chio loves it because there is always something tasty on P's fingers or face that she can lick.

anyway, it was a totally fun weekend, and my mom got frustrated with me for not making a move in our WWF (words with friends...it's an app that is like a virtual scrabble game! so cool) and i said, "SORRY! it's hard to find time to play virtual scrabble when you're a single mother." and my mom laughed.

we had a blast together, and it was our last "sleepover weekend" before i move. tears. so it was very special. i heart the babies.

slippery fingers

my mom bought me a pair of jeans last month (HOW NICE OMG!) and i took them in to Long Duc Dong my favorite Asian tailor. the waist was a little big. so i tried them on and he grabbed the back of them by the waist, you know, to see how tight i wanted them, and it slipped. his finger slipped into my jeans and grazed the top of my buttcrack. OMG. and i don't know if it was an accident or not. you know, since last time he told me i was "pretty like paris hilton." it was just for a split second, but you can bet every hair was standing still on the back of my neck and my bhole clenched RIGHT UP. it was so awkward. i was like buddy your fingers sure don't want to be hanging around there, i had taco bell for lunch.

anyway, i'm going to pick up my jeans today. with any luck, i will get a discount.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

little shits.

while sitting and relaxing, watching my movie in my oasis FIRST CLASS surroundings...the little boys next door (approximately aged 12 and 7) walk over to my "garagette" and the younger one says, "come over here and look at the shit." and immediately i had a flashback of the giant dump Cleo took this morning, and the sheer laziness/triumph i felt when i stood at the doorway and watched her and said "FUDGE IT. NOT PICKIN IT UP TODAY"

a 7-year-old boy is telling his brother to come "look at the shit" on the back porch of my "garagette" and i am feeling a tad bit embarrassed that i left the said shit just lying there. but mostly i am thinking to myself OMG WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH TODAY'S CHILDREN THAT THEY ARE RUNNING AROUND SAYING "SHIT" ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

little shits.

first class duh

i'm sitting in my bed watching a movie on my laptop while JJ watches football (vomit). i'm also drinking a glass of merlot and have a candle lit. i'm in an oasis of sorts. very calm.

JJ walked over to me and said, "it looks like you're flying first class right now, except your blanket is purple instead of navy blue"


i have only flown first class one time--to New York with my Mom during spring break my senior year in college. but YES, this is EXACTLY how i looked AND felt...


i went to get my hair done yesterday. and made a new change:

BANGS! and that's Cleo snoozin in the background. i kind of feel like a dork but JJ says he likes them and so does my mom. well everyone says they like them but they are probably all full of shit.

anyway, i like them because they cover up the bald spot in my right eyebrow.

sellin hard

ok so we did something that i would NEVER EVER DO. it was all JJ's idea. and it was soooo white trash that we were one Looney Toon tattoo away from a complete redneck breakdown.



i mean we did clean out the M.H. and had TONZ OF SHIT to get rid of: (TV and dog not for sale):

and.....ok it really wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. JJ was very gung-ho about the whole thing, and he called Rah and Nebular and set the whole thing up. it was actually a "DUAL-FAMILY YARD SALE" (as we advertised on CraigsList) in Rah and Nebular's driveway. we had it on Labor Day. which was kind of stupid. JJ and i arose at 6:30 a.m. that day to hang up the beautiful signs i made.

let me tell you, we are NOT our prettiest OR our nicest at 6:45 a.m. in the middle of highway 195 with the wind blowing and running out of packaging tape. and LET ME ALSO TELL YOU that those damn signs are deceptively high. like from your car they look eye level. but when you get close to them they might as well be as far away as the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. so after 40 minutes of finagling six signs up on the highway signs, we finally went to Rah and Nebular's house to set up shop. i woke up Rah and sent JJ for doughnuts. Rah and i worked hard to price things and set them out in the most appealing way:

i don't if you can see it, but there is a life-sized cardboard cutout of Kobe Bryant a long time ago. when he had hair. and dignity. OH SNAP! and we priced him at $8 because he's number 8. ha ha ha. we also priced the other items. but when JJ came back he ripped them all down because he said we were "too aggressive." whatever.

that's Rah and me slangin' tough at the yard sale.

anyway, we had some SERIOUS CREEPS AND WEIRDOS come to the yard sale, and some really cute girls who bought all my clothes. it was actually kind of fun. and altogether we made $200! wowza! Rah and i celebrated with dinner at Luna and a bottle of wine. and i promptly took my quarter of the proceeds and went shopping.

oh and p.s. i kept my sailor costume :)

twigs sux. JJ kind of does too.

this last weekend JJ and i went on TWO DATES OMG. the first was Friday night to PF Changs. we had gift cards from JJ participating in the Rock n Roll marathon in San Diego. so we dined and had a wonderful evening.

the second night we went to go get ice cream and go to a movie...BUT THE ICE CREAM PLACE WAS CLOSED! so we made the stupid mistake of popping into Twigs at the mall before the movie. Twigs sux. (last time we went there was a bone in JJ's chicken quesadilla. that's REAL) so this time i got a glass of wine and a salad and JJ got gorgonzola cheese fries. when my salad came, i picked up my fork and jabbed at the lettuce until i got a nice little amount with a piece of tomato. i brought the forkful of food to my mouth, my lips just parting to enjoy the very first bite----

"did you know that lettuce is the number one place where foodborne illnesses are found?"


SON OF A BITCH. JJ COME ON. I MEAN COME ON. now don't get me wring, it is wonderful that he is so wise and well-read and full of little tid-bits of information, but the timing here was unfortunate. so i pouted and dramatically set my fork down and pushed the plate of incriminating lettuce away. "i'm not eating that now, thanks a lot."

to which he relied, "OH DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC L!" and i said, "WELL....!?!?!? like i want to eat the number one foodborne illness thing!!!" and then he said he was sorry so i took a bite of the salad and it sucked anyway. in the end i ate a large movie popcorn with extra butter for dinner which was better anyway.

the moral of the story is: DON'T GO TO TWIGS! also, the other moral is: JJ SHUT YOUR MOUTH

Chanel in the night

Chanel's favorite thing to do (aside from planning my demise) is sit all of her 15 pound glory right on my chest at sporadic intervals during the night. on Tuesday night she did this at about 10:07 p.m. and i had just settled into my cloud bed, had just closed my eyes. i let her stay there. just sitting on my chest and purring and occasionally sticking her cold wet nose in my mouth. at some point during this awkward exchange i drifted off to sleep.

a half hour later i awoke with a start, sweaty and drooling and confused. i looked down and staring right at me was the answer to all of my problems: Chanel. still sitting on my chest. i shoved her off me and onto the ground and said the first thing that came to my mind: "UGH! CHANEL YOU MAKE ME SO HOT!!" and as soon as i uttered the words i knew how weird and wrong they were. but alas, 'twas too late. JJ had heard them and then came plenty o jokes about me "needing a moment alone" with the cat. COME ONNNNN i'm not into beastiality, i just made a mistake. but JJ would not let me be. he teased me all night.

we'll see who's laughing when a litter-covered turd appears on someone's pillow.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010


UPDATE: THIS JUST IN: mimi called me just now and told me my boobs were sagging low like an old woman in these pictures. i called her an asshole.

here are the photobooth shots of me and JJ from Rah and Nebular's wedding. hahahaahahahah they make me laugh.

compliments of Cortney Kelley Photography

Friday, September 3, 2010

one of two

during my SCOUR of the M.H., i discovered in the process something weird.

ok so i always buy glasses in sets of two. i don't know why. i just like to have a schmorgasboard of all different kinds. it's what i like. so my cupboard is so cute with sets of twos everywhere. so ador.

but when it comes to wine glasses, martini glasses, champagne glasses, margarita glasses....i.e. glasses that carry alcohol, i found out today, that i only have 1 of each. so you open the cabinet with the alcohol glasses and it looks like a college cabinet. i have one of each. it's always because some sort of accident happens, you know, alcohol glasses are quite fragile. one breaks here, one breaks there, and i get so mad at myself. like COME ON, L, you're an ADULT, get yourself together and keep the glasses intact.

ok so all of them have lost their pair. EXCEPT for one set of two champagne glasses that i got from the Fab 5 inside of a fancy wine & things basket they got me--ahem--us for the wedding. they are from pottery barn and they are pretty and simple and perfect. and so when i was cleaning out the cabinet, i set the ONE SET OF TWO that i have aside in the corner, to keep them guarded from the chaos. then all of a sudden the STUPID PLASTIC PIRATE CEREAL BOWL THAT I USED TO LOVE WITH ALL OF MY HEART BUT NOW I HATE IT MORE THAN ARBY'S, COMES FLYING OUT OF NOWHERE AND WHERE DOES IT LAND?!?!?!?! WHERE DOES IT LAND!?!?!??! IT DOES A MOTHERFUDGING U-TURN LIKE A GOD DAMN BOOMERANG AND WIGGLES IT'S WAY INTO THE POTTERY BARN CHAMPANGE GLASSES' PRIVATE CORNER. and then, just like that, one of them burst, right before my eyes. so i ran down the hallway like a lunatic and jumped on the bed and punched the shit out of my pillow because i HATE MYSELF for LETTING THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS SHATTER RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES.

then i angrily threw the plastic pirate cereal bowl in the trash along with the broken glass.

later, much later, after i had calmed down, i quietly reached into the garbage and picked the plastic pirate cereal bowl out. because i really do actually love it.

Guest Blog by Rah

Rah sent me this e-mail today and i cried laughing. thought you would giggle as well.

here is the premise and a list of characters: Rah and Nebular just got married so they have all fresh new, white linens. their two dogs Benjamin Pierre (Benny) and Fracois (Frankie) are literally terrorists. like their only goal in life is to ruin everything. like if you leave a pair of used underwear on the ground, they are like sharks to blood and the underwear will be shredded within 14 seconds. Olka is their Russian maid who once left her Russian pop CD at their house. needless to say, Rah and i thoroughly enjoyed a bottle of wine and the dance party that ensued. anyway, so here is the HILARIOUS e-mail...KUDOS RAH!!!:

we cleaned the house last night and THIS IS REAL:

Olka came over late (as usual) around 12. she texted me an hour after she got there. broke the vacuum. wonderful. texted me 2 hours later. she is underpaid by $22. okay, okay, Olka we will pay you extra next time. texts me circa 4:30 “i don’t think i can do yard… sun is real hot today”. alright! Jesus. so we come home…. house smells of bleach. clean, but not vacuumed. Frankie is evading us-—running circles around us. taunting us. “what do you have Fraaaaaaankie?!” oh, no big deal, JUST THE GODDAMN TANKA BAR (spicy buffalo organic beef jerky shit) THAT I BROUGHT HOME FOR JJ. guaranteed dog diarrhea. go to bedroom to change clothes. lock dogs out. THRILLED! Olka changed the bedding to our shabby chic all-white set with monogrammed pillow cases! LOVE!!!!!! now i love Olka, like she is the reason i survive with these devilish dogs and dirty yard. i tell Nebular he is not allowed to put his face on our white monogrammed pillow set “they are for LOUNGING ONLY” to which he says “i’ll do what I want”. okay, F that. change the monogrammed set out reluctantly to the ADORABLE shabby chic shams. Much better. so cute. whine to Nebular that i’m sick and need to sleep & don’t want to do laundry. he tells me to get up and suck it up. “NO NEBULAR. I don’t WANT to.” he walks out with an armload of laundry and lets the dogs in to which i yell “NOOOOOOO! NOT ON THE WHITE BED! THEY'RE DIRRRRRRRRTY!!!!! NEBULARRR!!!"

You can guess what happened next.

Benny & Frankie gallop into the room at a pace akin to a herd of antelope—-jump up on the bed—-knock me over-—and Benny spots The Light Up Ball Toy on Nebular’s nightstand. POUNCES ON BALL ACROSS PILLOWS KNOCKS OVER THE BOX OF NERDS ON NIGHTSTAND. BALL IS GONE. i scream at him. he sits ASS/BUTTHOLE down on Nebular’s side on the BRAND NEW CRISP WHITE SHABBY SHAM. Going to kill him, going to kill him. “BENNNNNNNYYYYYY!!!!!!!” i scream. doesn’t move. “I HAAAAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!” doesn’t move. looks perplexed. “MOVVVVVVVVE YOU STUPID ASS DOG!!!!!” doesn’t move. “BENNY--here boy! come!”


yes. yes. yes, L. that really happened. and what do you think he left behind? A SHIT SMEAR. A FUDGING SHIT SMEAR L. A FUDGING SHIT SMEAR THE SIZE OF A MOTHER EFFING RULER.

i cry and scream and wail and shout to Nebular. i lock the dogs out of the room while he rips the sham off the pillow and throws it in the wash. i cry. i’m still crying inside! i don’t even know where the sham is. i haven’t looked to see the damage.

then Nebular the back yard. i watered the plants and called it a night.

then i locked him outside with the dogs. haha.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

JJ the Cowboy

when i first met JJ he thought i was such a hick. he used to tell me that every once in a while i would do something random that was telling of my small town roots and was very "county." and the man HATED country music. as does Moon. i told them "but they're songs about me, and who i am, they're songs about lovin' and livin' and good hearted women and family and God, yeah they're all just songs about me..." (which in and of itself is a country song by Trace Adkins. and i would sing that to them in a twangy accent and they would get very annoyed). anyway, so JJ hated hated hated country music. then, out of habit of riding in my car (i have like 8 CDs. i go back and forth between Taylor Swift, the Glee soundtrack, Britney and every once in a while i'll throw a little Madonna in there), i heard him singing Taylor in the shower once. "SILLY LITTLE BOYS AND THEIR PICKUP TRUCKS" which was close, but it's actually "i hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive..." but the fact was, my husband was singing about trucks and boys. 100% pure blooded country music. and i caught him. and he was embarrassed and ashamed.

BUT NOW!?!?!? he sings Taylor every chance he can get. (Moon still hates country, but quasi-enjoys Taylor) and he is so used to me listening to country that i hear him humming a tune or two about whiskey or a broken heart. i think he actually LIKES country music now.

and my belief was confirmed. for just the other night i was driving his car and messing with his radio. and on pre-set #3...LO AND BEHOLD 93.7 THE CAT OMG! a country music pre-set!?!?!?!?!? MY HUSBAND IS A CHANGED MAN!

when i pointed this out to him and explained how proud i felt, he vehemently denied the accusation, claiming he has never once even TOUCHED the pre-sets in his car. omg what a liar.

he loves country. he he he

this is the only picture i have of JJ (on our honeymoon) looking the least bit country. his Laker jersey is quite contrary, though.

the snubbing snob

Cleo is snubbing me. she won't come inside. she's mad because i took her to the Sultan Vet today. but in reality i should be the one doing the snubbing since it's her fault that i now have a $90 bill. WHAT A SNOB.

oh and she has an ear infection. the medicine smells like vinegar and mold. and i got some on my leg. so i had to wash my leg off and it was just really annoying.

Dear Mom

The Results are in:

4 of my readers demand that you buy me a new pair of Guccis.
2 of my assholiest readers declared me a brat who does not in fact, deserve a new pair.
7 felt enough love towards the both of us to suggest going halvsies on the new pair.

So, since my blog is obviously the voice of all reason, and my polls are more important than presidential elections......

looks like we need to go shopping. i'm definitely favoring Gucci and Dior.

with a strong reminder of how i went down in the kayak that day with my most beautiful pair of tortoise shell sunglasses, storming out of the water with tears and a giant goose egg on my head...and also with much love,

your best daughter L.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


this is phase 1 in the "Manning Up Our House" project. what do you think??



purging and reminiscing and being all thoughtful and shit

the official date of the move: October 5. i know, i know, i'm crying too. obviously when i found out the date i started going batty and got tres emotional about everything. ol JJ wanted to decapitate me, i'm sure of it. for lack of anything better to do, i started packing. and getting rid of the baggage in the M.H. here is how it went:

hours spent: 6.5
bags of garbage procured: 8.5
bags of Goodwill/DARE I SAY IT...YARD SALE ITEMS: 5
things cleaned: crafting cabinet, junk drawer, desk, under the bed, JJ's "dump" which was the pile o shit behind the chair next to his side of the bed, the cabinets above the washing machine, the boxes of books, and lastly, the rainbow drawers. please tell me you all know what rainbow drawers are. i know LJ and my sister CA know...because they too have suffered life with the rainbow drawers. here is what they are: a wonderful/hateful costco purchase:

aren't they fun to look at??

so yesterday i was completely RUTHLESS. i threw out anything and everything. in fact, i'm really quite afraid that i carelessly went through our important documents and tossed out JJ's social security card. if that's the case then i would feel really bad. because the social security office is DIS.GUST.ING. but i played it off as though he lost it, saying, "JJ have you any clue where your S.S. card is? i haven't seen it while cleaning." the desk wasn't too hard to clean, i mostly just threw everything away. it was SO LIBERATING! and the junk drawer was easy...in the craft cabinet i discovered 11 rolls of wrapping paper. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!? but basically everything was AOK until i got to my closet. whereinwhich the rainbow drawers reside. i had decided at about 4 p.m. that it was time for me and the rainbow drawers to break up permanently. call it quits. end it. and as i opened the first drawer, i (EMBARRASSINGLY) discovered that i had items circa 2002 in there. FROM HIGH SCHOOL ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!?!? so i just took all the drawers and i dumped them into the garbage. i saved a few things like the playing cards with all different cat breeds on them, the purple velvet Crown Royal bag that i stole from my cousin BCG in college, which coincidentally was the same night i gave him a drunken haircut. i also saved my nail polishes, my hello kitty crayons and the collection of high school homecoming/prom pictures that are so HILAR. but everything else went. just in the garbage. just like that. i purged myself of the crap. and it felt wonderful!

when i was finished with the rainbow drawers, i happened to look up and see two items from my past: 1. my sailor girl halloween costume (which i was wearing when JJ and i had our first kiss, awww) and 2. my fanta girl halloween costume. OMG. JJ was like "I COULD SELL THOSE ON CRAIGSLIST AND MAKE US SOME MONEY" and i was like "omg you are such a creep. a man selling women's sexy halloween costumes?!??! really???" and then i felt so sad. because i had some really great times in those costumes, and they really are special to me, but OMG THEY'RE POORLY MADE NYLON STRIPS OF CLOTH, L, GET OVER IT. i can't decide what to do. JJ has already put them in the Goodwill/yard sale pile, but i might sneak them out, on principle. on The Principle That Halloweens Of Yesteryear Should Be Remembered And Cherished Wholeheartedly.

anyway, my closet is much roomier now that the damn rainbow drawers have been removed and thrown in the Goodwill/yard sale pile. and the only thing i'm mad about is the fact that i carted them around for 9 years, through 5 different moves. BE GONE RAINBOW DRAWERS! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

now my hallway is lined with boxes of things that will be in the New Place We Will Live. isn't it weird how we just accumulate? we are such consumers, and we fall in love with things. with stupid things that don't mean anything. and the things just travel with us. the things just hang around until we are finished with them. huh. so weird.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...