Thursday, October 28, 2010

Old Bad Vitamins

being an unemployed loser is tough. i mean, to go from the bed to the couch to the bed to the toilet to the couch again can get very exhausting. AND OMG my diet has consisted of cheese sandwiches, dr. pepper, guacamole and kitkat bars for over a week now...i mean, it's not THAT much different than usual, but since i literally do NOTHING but sit on my ass ALL day, i feel extra un-healthy. i have also decided that i must leave the house once a day. for one reason or the other. leaving the house requires me to put an outfit together, to put on makeup, and to socialize with other human beings.

monday i took the test.
tuesday i went to the park.
wednesday i went to the bank.

today i didn't know what i was going to do.

until i walked into the kitchen this morning... you see, all this unhealthy-ness has spurted a sort of you-are-unhealthy-to-the-millionth-degree-L. so i'm extra aware of what my body is trying to tell me. the other night in bed my bones hurt. they like reallly hurt. and i was like "JJ I THINK I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS OMFG" and he was like "no you don't calm down. you're not an old lady." and i was like "BUT OMG JJ I DON'T DRINK MILK! I DON'T DRINK MILK! I HAVE NO CALCIUM IN ME! I'M GOING TO DIE OF OSTEOPOROSIS AT AGE 24!!!!!!!" and he was like "take vitamins then, L." thnx.

so this morning i walked in to eat a chewable children's vitamin and a gummy calcium bear. and JJ said, "you might wanna check the dates on those, it's been a while since you've had vitamins," all the while he is shoving an entire Walgreens down his throat. the man takes every vitamin ever. like he's Lance Armstrong or something. i was like "VITAMINS DON'T EXPIRE! that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard." then i turned over the bottles. both went bad in the winter of '09. OMG.

JJ takes in the horrified look on my face and says, "L. just go buy new ones." and i was like PERFECT! GENIUS! THAT CAN BE MY OUTING FOR THE DAY! and i got abnormally excited. and as i was walking out of the kitchen, thoughts of escape from my daily demise of unemploymentness filling my brain, he says to me in a hard, stone cold voice that crushed my dreams, "no Target for the vitamins." ..."WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT JJ OF COURSE I'M GOING TO TARGET FOR THE VITAMINS WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO GET VITAMINS!??!" he sighed. then challenged me to go to Target. and get vitamins only. no women's clearance rack. no food aisle. no toy for Cle. no nothing. just the vitamins.

and i accepted the challenge. and i'm literally going to run in there, grab the vitamins and run to the checkout with my eyes closed so that nothing piques my interest.

wish me luck.

the camera problem

my camera has a problem. you can witness the problem and the frustration it causes in the numerous examples provided below.

WESTORT TRIP 2010. JJ, Me, Rah, Nebular

ARIZONA TRIP FOR LJ'S BACH 2010. Me, LJ, KKiss, Sam, KitKat

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND AT THE GORGE 2009. Sister M's boyfriend CBP, JJ



AT HOME 2010. Me, Cleo, JJ


for some reason the little knob that changes from "record" to "take picture" is ALWAYS on record. and IT IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. and you can gather from the videos that JJ is the most affected by the annoyance.

but watching all the videos in a row makes me realize how effing hilarious this problem actually is. hahajkdfahkahhahahahahahahahah


Rancho Cucamongross has like 573 parks. we have one on either side of our apartment complex. so i took a break between searching and and i took the pup and my newest issue of Martha Stewart Living (whyyy did i do that to myself? now i'm going to feel inadequate if i can't fashion a Thanksgiving centerpiece out of a clothespin and a kleenex. DAMN YOU MARTHA!!!!) with me to one of the parks.

there wasn't a soul in sight so i let Cle off-leash to run and play and let the wind run through her hair.

then we sat in the sunshiny park and enjoyed ourselves:


Chanel's Fat Butt Ruins Everything

i was missing this:

and Cleo was missing this:

so we called home to ask MM how ol FatCat Chanelly Belly Boober Butts was doing. MM said she was great. just bein all fluffy and cuddly and such.

this is what my Mom had to say about the feline via text:

"at 3 a.m. Chanel knocked over MM's fish tank and it shattered. Dad rescued the fish and did major cleanup. now i have to do the finite cleaning. UGH."

ok maybe we don't miss her THAT much.

Monday, October 25, 2010

perf cooks

i texted my bff KKiss at 8 a.m. on saturday morning to ask her what kind of sugar cookie mix i should get and what kind of frosting i should make because....






and guess what?! they turned out PERFECTLY OMG. just as good as the pink penis shaped ones KKiss makes for any and all wedding/bachelorette activities. except mine weren't penises. but orange pumpkins with green stems and sprinkles, or as my Bostonian friend The Black Dahlia calls them, "jimmies." ha ha ha. sprinkles=jimmies. that is so weird.

and JJ and i have been enjoying them to the fullest extent. this is a once-a-year occurrence for me. and he knows this. so he is savoring every bite. and since i saved money by not purchasing the per usual slutty halloween costume this year, (no friends=no party invites. so sad), i spent money on sugar cookie making instead.

HERE THEY ARE: little orange and green doodles of delight!

they turned out so wonderfully that i might have to--GASP--try again at Christmas! maybe i AM turning into a kitchen whiz afterall! probs not.

a lovely day in october

great day for x amount of reasons.

1. JJ wrote this on my FB wall today: Merry (2 months before) Christmas. OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG PEEEEEE OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!

2. i took the CBEST substitute teacher test today. and it was serious business. i had to empty my pockets and get my picture taken (POSE!) and have my palm scanned. tres CIA chic. and when someone sneezed in the testing room i said "BLESS YOU" (obvs) and he didn't even say "thank you." rude. so i finished my test with 4 minutes to spare, and i got my "unofficial test results" declaring that i had passed. hurrah! you literally have to be a grade-school dropout dunce to fail this test, so i'm not that cool. which makes you wonder what kind of ignoramuses they have substituting the children in my city. (did you notice that? i called rancho cucamongross "my city" !! progress)

3. TAYLOR'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY! it was my treat to myself to go and pick it up after that FOUR HOUR TEST. and since hers is literally the only music career i follow, i always fork out the ca$h for the "duluxe" edition. don't ask me why. i don't know what the extra $4.99 is for, but i don't care. the only C.D.s i buy are hers, britney's and an assortment of holiday albums that i Absolutely Cannot Live Without. SOOOO i have listened to the new album, start to finish a total of 5 times thus far. it's on repeat. JJ will be singing them in the shower by Thursday.

4. i booked a flight to SPOKE!!! nov. 1...FOR MY PHOTOSHOOT WITH DEE! my story is going to be PUBLISHED in Guideposts! i'm feeling very cool. and so i have already started planning my outfit and OMG i'm so excited. i have always dreamed of being a model. pish posh to the struggles with eating disorders and drug addictions, they are SO COOL. so this is my moment to pretend to be one. PLUS Dee is thrilled. SO EXCITED TO SEE HER! she is getting her Dior scarf ready...AND I GET TO SEE RAH AND HAVE A SLEEPOVER AND BORROW HER CAR AND TRY ON HER BRAS! (jk on the last part. kind of) and lucky for her that nov. 1 is the Official Start To L's Christmas Season so i will surely be blasting Alabama's Thistlehair The Christmas Bear in her ear. traaaa la la la la laaaa! AND, going to Spoke means i get to eat a d'lish cheeseburger without the burger. F. YES.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

thanks for knowing me

JJ: what are you doing?
L: just looking online.
JJ: ok. i'm going to make some coffee.
JJ: oh soooo cute, where are you looking?
L: yes, i love them i just wish i could afford to spend $180 on one pair of--wait.......what??????

hjahahahahahahahhahaha he knew what was. my husband, who i THINK is zoning out at the football game when i'm trying to describe the adorable new thing that i must have and that i LOVE, is actually kind of paying attention.

thanks for knowing me, JJ! love you.

new furniture

after the whole poo-barf-before-8-a.m.-debacle, JJ and i decided it would just be best to stay up for the rest of the day.

plus we had a project to do. my parents ordered us furniture for our balcony so "you can sit and have coffee and read the paper in the morning together." which is great. but i don't drink coffee (as of right now anyway) and we can't afford to subscribe to the newspaper. so facebooking and drinking rum is what i will be doing in those chairs.

before i could even open the first box, JJ stopped me. "THIS IS MY PROJECT. I WILL FINISH IT ALONE." he is the worst at anything that requires handiwork. THE WORST. i hung up everything in our apartment and i fix anything if it breaks. but since the box said "light assembly required," he assumed that he would be fine on his own. and so i surfed the web while he worked.

not 2 minutes into it, i heard him grumble. "arghhh, why aren't there perforated holes in this damn thing????!!?!" and i just giggled to myself. he heard me and said, "THERE'S NOTHING TO BE LAUGHING ABOUT IN THERE L!!!!!!!"

and 20 minutes later i walked into the living room. JJ was glaring at the directions, all the pieces to the table were all around him. so i said, "do you need a drill?" and he said, "YES" so i got him the drill and that kept him occupied for a bit. meanwhile, i opened the box for the first rocking chair. and put it together. JJ was still cursing the table pieces. then he stood up and stomped outside and got a toolbox. and opened it. i was like "JJ, not to be rude or question your ability or anything, but a lug nut tool set isn't actually what you need." and he was like "I KNOW. I WAS JUST LOOKING AT SOMETHING IN HERE." and i smiled, holding back a laugh and walked over to him and took the drill out of his hands and made the hole and put the screw in. and he said, "SEE THIS IS WHAT YOU DO! YOU TAKE OVER WHENEVER I TRY TO DO SOMETHING HANDY!!!" and i was like "OMFG JJ YOU CAN'T PUT TOGETHER A TABLE WITH A LUG NUT TOOL SET. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE HOLE WITH THE DRILL, THEN INSERT THE SCREW. JUST DO WHAT I DID." and he was like "FINE! but i COULD HAVE figured it out by MYSELF!" then i let him be and began the other chair and laughed to myself. i mean, the table is just a measly little thing, i couldn't understand why he was struggling so bad. he he he heeeee.

once i finished the second chair, JJ was just finishing the table. and he was so proud of himself. it was very cute.

so there's the balcony furniture! upon closer inspection, the little table has two screws that are a little bit mangled and still sticking out of the wood.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

all before 8 a.m.

Cleo has the most amazing trait: she will stay in bed until we get up. she could sleep in until noon and not move if we are still there with her. at least...that's how she used to be. now that we moved into a pooch-friendly apartment complex with all sorts of grassy trails and other dogs, she shoots out of bed like a bullet at 7 a.m. and runs for the door for her morning walk.

this morning was no different. and since the 5 minute argument on whose turn it is to take her out is completely useless we decided that the morning walks will involve all three of us. so we shuffled out of bed in our p.j.s and obviously i grabbed a handful of reeses pieces before we took her out. we were strolling along quietly and there wasn't a sound to be heard for miles on saturday morning, 7 a.m. JJ and i were dreaming of going back upstairs and back into bed.

then Cleo does the heavy-sniff which indicates the shit coming. JJ and i were delighted. she would go, then we would be free to retreat back into the oasis.


turns out Cleo was constipated, and the poo that made it outside her body was stuck. so she did what any right-minded dog would do: she wiped her ass on the grass. which spread it all over her perfectly white butt-fur. "NOOOOO COME ON CLEOOOO NOT TODAY! NOT AT 7 A.M. ON A SATURDAY," is what we yelled at her. so i had to grab a doggie poo-bag and attempt to pull the constipated turd out of her. OMG SO APPALLING. once she was free of the said turd, we turned around to go home. we got in the door and JJ carried Cleo to the bath where he set her down and then looked at me. this is the moment i realized that the dog's poop-butt was now my problem.


so Cleo and i had a shower. then i started gagging because i was literally wiping fresh poop off my dog's asshole. and it smelled so bad. so i gagged. and coughed. and gagged some more. and then i threw up on accident. i threw up the reese's pieces on the shower floor. OMG THIS IS NOT REAL. so i called to JJ and told him i threw up. and tried to hand the dog to him. but her butt wasn't quite all the way clean, so he was like "can you please just finish cleaning her butt?" and i was like DUDE I JUST THREW UP REESES PIECES ON THE SHOWER FLOOR BECAUSE OF HER POOP--NO WAY. and he said, "why did you eat reeses pieces at 7 a.m.? and i was like NOT RELEVANT!!!!!! and so he said, "please will you just finish?!?!" and i said FINE. so i finished. and i threw the clean wet dog at him and finished my shower.

and when i got out i had hot steamy waffles with peanut butter and whipped cream waiting for me. and it was 7:45. poo and barf. all before 8 a.m. just a normal day.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

new sandwich

JJ came home for lunch today. and he brought me a sandwich. a RARE sandwich in Rancho Cucamonga--a sandwich from a LOCAL sandwich shop.

i was so thrilled i could have kissed Chanel's bhole. A REAL LIVE NON-SUBWAY DELI CHEESE SANDWICH!!!

then i opened it up.

it was on wheat bread.

and it had olives and mushrooms on it.

with spicy dijon mustard.

and slightly pickled cucumber slices

all of the horrible things you could think of. it might as well have had a bloody bird foot sticking out of it.

JJ must have seen the look on my face because he sighed and said, "L, just try it." so i did.


and. it. was. disgusting. i mean it was a baaaaaaad sandwich.

all i ever wanted in life was a plan delicious cheese sandwich with some veggies on WHITE bread with extra mayo and YELLOW french's mustard.


still on the hunt for a good sandwich spot here.

but JJ tried. thanks, my love. sorry if i am a teensy weensy bit of a brat.

pink goop

i went to my new target yesterday. and it was quite the ordeal. because being introduced to a new target is like being assimilated into Antarctican culture. it's really that big of a deal. the men's clothes are where the groceries should be, the toiletries are where the children's toys should be and the home goods are where the shoes should be. it's really quite overwhelming. so i got dressed up for the experience. after all, it IS a new target, and i wanted to make a good impression. yesterday was bully awareness day and everyone was supposed to wear purple so i picked my beautiful navy and plum silk blouse to wear tucked into my j brand jeans with gray bootie heels. adorbs. and Cleo came with me inside my purse. we strolled the aisles, taking note of the new placement of our favorite items, and figured out where the women's clothing sale rack is (!!!)

as we were browsing through the toothbrush aisle, i remembered i needed some shower gel. and everyone knows you don't just go and buy the same shower gel every time. you need time to make the decision. time to open the caps of the ones that look appealing and give them the smell test to see if they meet your desire. and then you have to see if the Caress one that you love comes in the target up & up brand for .60 cents cheaper. well i did that. and it was fun. i mean who doesn't like the wonderful experience of picking out a new shower gel!?!?!?

i grabbed a particularly soft and luxurious looking Oil of Olay (with moisture ribbons!!!) that was pink off the shelf. i opened it to give it the smell test when all of a sudden pink goop was on my nose and lips and dripping down on my navy and plum silk blouse. ksdfjkldsjfkldsafjlkasdfj ldkghjorweijfdk MOTHERFUDGE. i had made the all-too-common mistake of squeezing a teensy bit too hard. so there i was. standing in the new target, looking idiotic as ever in my nice try-to-impress outfit covered in pink goop. i went to the pharmacy and asked for some paper towels. i dabbed at my face and blouse and tried to collect myself, but i was so embarrassed. i had made a fool of myself in my new target. damn.

after i cleaned up, i realized something magnificent: the tip of my nose and my lips were as soft as butter!!! i quickly realized that this was some SERIOUS SHOWER GEL OMG! so i grabbed the up & up brand of the Oil of Olay moisture ribbon pink goop shower gel and threw it in my cart. and i took a shower this morning using it.


and i never would have known if i was a normal person who didn't make a pink good mess of herself. sometimes i just have to be thankful for my stupidity.

what i love the most...

you know when you start to notice these quirky things about a new place you're living??

well my bathroom smells like a campfire. and i cannot for the life of me figure out why.

also the drawer where the flatware goes sucks. it's faulty and the bottom of the drawer gets loose EVERY time we open it.

and the washing machine and dryer are in our bedroom. and they are from 1980. meaning it sounds like a civil war plane is landing on our bed everytime we want clean clothes. SO LOUD.

but i love our new place. and this is what i love the most about our new place: (WARNING, GRAPHIC PHOTO)

ok sorry for the poopsies, but that is the patch of artificial grass that my mom bought us. we are on the top floor, meaning we can leave the balcony door open all day for Cleo. meaning Cleo poo-poos and pee-pees on that adorable little astro turf square! isn't that lovely??!?!?! no more doggie messes in the house.


omg i forgot to tell you:

when my mom was helping us move in, she took a shower in our new place and accidentally used Cleo's shampoo and conditioner.


home again.

when i got home from NY i had lots of love waiting for me:

awwwwww i love them. (miss ol Chanel though).

i was feeling neutral when i got into the car because i was going home to a home that i didn't really know. i had been in NY longer than i had lived in our new apartment, isn't that weird? so i just kind of sat there in the car, ready to climb into my bed and sleep but feeling a bit off that we weren't taking highway 195 in Spoke to our M.H.

i got home and fell into bed. a facebooked (obvs) for a bit and then JJ came into the room with little sugary bits dusting his lips. he said, "dude, that candy from Dylan's Candy Bar or whatever was soooo good."



and that's the moment when i felt i was definitely home.


while i was in NY, Sam got engaged in Cabo! i screamed and giggled and my workshop roommates were alarmed. he heheehe

YAYAYAYAYAYYYY so excited for her and her lovely state trooper fianceeeeeeeee to tie the knot! :)

just a little over two years ago we were at my bachelorette party and Sam was single and beginning to grow skeptical of love. and now here she is, engaged to the love of her life, who is the sweetest, dearest man in the world.

congrats S, i love ya.

and would you look at the size of that rock? GORGEOUS! he did good. the caption on this picture that she sent me said, "reading (she's in law school) is so much more enjoyable when i have this to look at"

incidentally, the day after i got Sam's wonderful news, i looked down at my own wedding band to see that a diamond went missing. boo. is that a sign that me and JJ are just an old married couple??

NY with Moon

so after the workshop i headed into the city to meet MOON! hoorah! it was so much fun! we ate like kings in all of her favorite spots and we did some touristy things, my favorite being DYLAN'S CANDY BAR. which is the best place ever. and of course i got my favorite: a whole bag of sour belts. my mouth is watering as i type. i got tons so that i would be able to enjoy them even after i got home.

i'm such an un-savvy-street person. i would just be walking along all hunkey dorey when Moon would forcefully throw her arm across my chest to prevent me from getting hit by a black SUV. and last time i went to visit her i got in an unmarked gypsy cab from the airport. i understand now that it's not a good idea. i also have no sense of direction and i pay zero attention to where i'm going. i assume that whoever i'm with shall be the navigator and that i will follow suit. i don't even know how people figured out where they were going before cell phones and mapquest anyway.

Moon and i went to highline, the museum of sex, fao schwarz, we walked past her old school parsons, and we went to an off-broadway show. we had a very fun-filled time together and i enjoyed every moment. OH WAIT NO I DIDN'T. here's what i didn't enjoy: WAKING UP FOUR TIMES IN THE NIGHT TO RE-BLOW UP MY AIR MATTRESS BECAUSE HER CAT POKED A HOLE IN IT. her cat Spoinky the little shit. she even pounced my face at one point. she also shredded my bag of milano cookies and ate one. she also scared the pants off me when she slipped into the shower with me when i was washing my hair. she is nuts. but she is also such a sweet adorable kitten. and here is the one picture i took on my NY trip: Spoinky in my suitcase:

she liked to chew on my clothes. she is a cute kitten with quite an evil side.

so there aren't any pictures of me and Moon. so sad. but we have plenty of memories of the fabulous time we had together! thanks for having me MOON!! loveya


well, i am back to blogging sooner than i had originally thought. but alas, i can't be up to my eyeballs in craigslist job scams ALL day, now can i?

here i sit in our new apartment. it's so fresh and wonderful and full of clean air because the carpet is not filled with the aroma of musty puppy pee-pee.

so anyway, about New York. this is the worst thing i have to tell you: I DIDN'T TAKE ONE EFFING PICTURE! ok well yes i did. one. of Moon's cat. but srsly. isn't that awful? for shame, L.

first i have to say that the writing workshop was such a wonderful opportunity, and i am so truly grateful to have been chosen as one "among thousands" of the fifteen finalists. i felt tres cool. i met some spectacular people who are, among many things, SUPERB STORY TELLERS! it was definitely an inspiring experience. i learned to write in a way that i never otherwise would have, and i'm so grateful for the time i spent in Rye.

i was the youngest workshopper there, aside from one girl my age who works for the magazine. and i feel like it gave me a little bit of an edge. i had a different perspective. i even mentioned in one seminar that the only way i am able to tell that the magazine isn't geared towards my age generation is by the horrid advertisements (i.e. arthritis, constipation and gardening things) LOL. they also asked who we would like to see on the cover and obvs i screamed TAYLOR SWIFT! (WHOSE NEW ALBUM COMES OUT IN 4 DAYS MAY I REMIND YOU!!!) but anyway, the point is that i felt like i had a special voice there. but i also felt a little out of place.

everyone was very nice and many told me how "mature" i was. i mean, that is the sweetest but most untrue thing i have ever heard. like in the evening after dinner when we were all in our rooms, i couldn't just break into Katy Perry song screaming SHIT YEAH I'M A GOOD SINGER while dancing in my underwear like i usually do at home. JJ is no longer fazed by these "episodes," but i would have terribly frightened my roommates if they were to have witnessed such a scene. so in that sense i felt a bit restrained and reserved.

a few of my fellow workshoppers asked for my blog address. i hesitated, but eventually gave it to them, but warned them that it is not a professional blog, only a mere collection of the unbelievably stupid things that happen to me--a spewing of my brain of sorts. after i returned home i realized that the fourth post from the top was about my last day in spoke with Rah and the Unfortunate Event that ensued at Nordstrom Rack. i mean COME ON. these God-fearing women are NOT going to think this is funny. askdjflsdkjfljksd why couldn't the first page be filled with relatively "normal" happenings?!?! ...because that just wouldn't be the L Way. upon discovering that this was the fourth post, i immediately went to delete it. but then i stopped--i have never deleted a blog out of embarrassment or fear that someone would be averse to my words--my voice. i couldn't start now. i have always put honest words into my blog, i have always had a strong voice in my blog, deleting is not an option.

so i left it up. and in the end i'm glad i did. i met so many wonderful, amazing people in New York, and they were honest in who they were. i owe it to myself to stay true to who i am--a flaming lunatic, yes, but also a person who is not ashamed to stay true to who i am. and that was the number one thing i took away from the workshop.

and now i shall end with a quote. my good friend Bill Shakespeare once wrote,

"this above all: to thine own self be true."

and here are the workshoppers--can you find me? the wind was blowing our hair dreadfully askew, but i kind of like the fabulous volume and texture it created.

Photo by Wagner Photos

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


I'LL BE BACK. (in the Arnold Schwarzenegger accent of course)

have lots to share--sorry for the long breaks between blogging but srsly i have lots of important things to do first like take a shower, buy bread and FIND A JOB OMG


Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Big Apple

headed to THE BIG APPLE TOMORROW! i am so excited for the writing workshop--but mostly excited for this:


Cleo & The Big Move

Cleo literally slept in her bed the entire trip down here. here she is trying to escape our of the moving van:

and here she is settled on her new rug next to the sliding glass door to the balcony:

new apartment

here it is readers:

this is what you see when you walk in the door. i know, i know, i have a picture of me and JJ on the fireplace mantle...but shut up i'm obsessed with it.

the JJ corner: i.e. the TV and yes i let him hang that horrible flag up. as long as it's not the focal point of the room, i'm ok with it.

the kitchen table.

Cleo's bed. and my favorite pictures: one of my dad playing football in high school, one of me and my sister M and our cousins BC & BM when we were kids, and finally a picture of me and JJ in the summer of 07 that Sam took of us

a hint of the ATROCIOUS kitchen. good thing i never use it. last night JJ was making us gnocchi for dinner when the microwave started whistle-screaming at us and we weren't even using it. JJ had to unplug it and 3 pieces fell off in the process. the appliances are literally from 1984. it's pretty nasty.

nasty kitchen.


my tiny closet.

my/Cleo's side of the bed

JJ's side of the bed. note the manly bamboo. and that's JJ's favorite picture of us. we were in Venice, a couple days after we got engaged.

CRINGE! i hate this clutter. those are my dresses. that wouldn't fit in the closet.

:) my vanity that i adore.

bathroom. yes that's me in tye-dyed hideous hot pink pajama pants and a brooks and dunn concert tee. i lose. the pictures on the counter are my favorite: JJ has one of me on the wedding day on his side, and vice versa. i love it.

JJ's closet. the picture reflected in the mirror is a model Moon drew for me. she is wearing a peacock skirt. it's my favorite.

THE ADOR ANTHROPOLOGIE SHOWER CURTAIN THAT MY BFFS GOT ME FOR MY BDAY. i'm obsessed with it. and even JJ likes it. it's so hilar. he said, "the color is a little feminine, but i mean i gotta tell ya, I LOVE THIS SHOWER CURTAIN!" LOL

so there it is. the new tiny place. we like it. it's kind of a pain to take Cleo down the stairs to potty but pish posh, we can't worry about those things. now you can all picture where i type from when i blog.


the drive to CA was...very eventful to say the least. my parents drove over to help us pack up and took us out to dinner. my last night in Spoke was spent rightfully so--in a deliciously luxurious Davenport bed. the next morning i said bye to my dad. then Rah and Nebular came over to say goodbye right before we pulled out of ol Spring Creek Ln. and she gave me a photo album with the letters LMAO (so fitting) on the front. and pictures in it of the 6 years we lived in Spoke together. tears....

my mom and i listened to "the girl who played with fire" which is just as MOTHERFUDGING addicting and scary as the first in the series. you guys should read them. i have to say, Lisbeth Salander is literally one of the most dynamic characters i have ever encountered. we didn't get all the way finished though, so i frantically scrambled around in the back of the moving truck to find my hard copy as soon as we got to CA.

so we started the drive, just me mom and Cleo. JJ drove the moving truck and his friend JC drove JJ's car. make sense? we drove and we drove for like 12 hours or something. until we got to Reno. for lunch we had leftovers from dinner the night before and for dinner we stopped at The King and inhaled 45 cartons of buffalo sauce with our fries. omg buffalo sauce!!! yum. i actually took a shower in our hotel room in Reno and it was so refreshing. then the three of us: me mom & cle settled into sleep. at 4:30 a.m. the dumb dog heard someone outside the room and ran around barking. i fumbled around to find shoes and leashed her up for a potty walk. i tucked the key inside my pocket and walked outside. after she wee-weed, we turned to go back inside. BUT GUESS WHAT?!?! MY DAMN KEY DIDN'T WORK. I MEAN REALLY. and dogs were definitely not allowed in the hotel room. so i stuffed her into my shirt and walked around to the main entrance of the hotel. i looked left and right and waited for the front desk person to turn the other way. then i full sprinted back to the room, never looking back. i'm such a badass. i got back to the room, out of breath, wide-eyed and crazy, just as my mom was walking out the door. she was going for a run. at 4:45 a.m. and i was like NOT A CHANCE GOIN BACK TO BED HAVE A NICE RUN BYE and crawled back into bed.

at 7:30 she forced me out of bed and we got dressed and packed. we had a delish free continental breakfast and loaded up into the car. we gassed up and headed out on the wide open road.

and i took this while she was napping tee hee. she'll kill me when she sees this.

when we got to northern CA, we stopped for gas. i went to the bathroom and my mom pumped the car. as i exited the restroom my mom was walking towards me. "Cleo locked us out of the car." *#RU(IEJWKKQWE#@#$UIORIOUEW happens once, shame on Cleo and the damn cat. happens twice SHAME ON ME OMG. so there we were. at a shit gas station in the middle of nowhere with our wallets and phones and keys INSIDE THE CAR WITH STUPID CLEO. so my mom went inside to call AAA while i stayed outside, trying to coax Cleo to step on the unlock button. after about 20 minutes of this, my mom came outside saying she had just gotten ahold of AAA, so it was time to just sit and wait. and of course this is the precise moment Cleo decided to jump on the unlock button. little bitch. literally.

then we went to Taco Bell to laugh at ourselves and the situation. and my mom ordered a cheese quesadilla, a chalupa and The Big Box from TB which includes a flat bread taco, a burrito, a regular taco and cinnamon twists. we died laughing because of all the food and continued the drive.

we arrived in CA at our tiny apartment. and started unloading. it was insane. and i had like 4 breakdowns. and Cleo was so freaked out. but as soon as we got our stuff in the place it started to feel OK.

the next day my mom and i went house hunting while JJ dealt with DirecTV. the house hunting was a complete bust because they're so expensive. all we saw were shitholes that were unlivable. so we officially called the house hunt off after another breakdown on my part. we are going to stay in the shoebox one bedroom apartment for a year. and the size of the closet is a whole other issue entirely that i am not willing to discuss at this time.

i took Cleo for a little walk yesterday and saw three fellow dog walkers. i said hello to each of them and they all ignored me. so i have -3 friends.

my mom left on friday afternoon and i cried. and then i ordered my new return address stamp so i was a little bit happy. then JJ took me to in n out for my first grilled cheese and amimal fries as a true californian.

then last night we finished unpacking the very last box. and now i officially feel at ease. sort of. and OMFG i go to new york tmrw morning at 6 a.m. for my writer's workshop. i don't even have time to be nervous.

i hope that i continue to do as many stupid ass things in CA as i did in WA so that i have things to blog about.

sigh...not again.

my last full Rah day in Spoke was shamelessly spent shopping at all of our favorite hot spots, finished with dinner at d'lish and late night crab rolls and pink champagne. we literally spent the entire day together. and it was glorious. i went to her house to pick her up and the martha stewart bitch had a to-go mug of steaming hot cider ready for me. i mean TALK ABOUT PERFECTION.


let me set the scene for you:

we were at nordstrom rack. the motherload of all good deals. in fact, Rah found a pair of frye boots for $140. shut up! GOOD DEAL. we were coincidentally browsing the lingerie section when i felt the apple cider rumble. and yes, it was not the first time and it will certainly not be the last, with my IBS and the food tum rumbled. and Rah's nose twitched. and WHOOPS. there it went. but how convenient that we were looking at the undies?? i grabbed a gray pair for $1.97 and we GTFOOT and ran to Borders where i promptly changed my unmentionables. and i stood there in the stall with the soiled VS ones, hesitant on what to do. because they were one of my favorite pairs! i was in a real pickle. i wrapped them in paper towels and thought about putting it in my purse, but then i was like OMFG L, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!? YOU CAN'T JUST WALTZ ABOUT TOWN WITH POOP-STAINED UNDERWEAR IN YOUR GUCCI PURSE. NOT ACCEPTABLE. so i threw them away and washed my hands. i met Rah back outside of Borders and instinctively grabbed for my travel mug of apple cider. but it wasn't there. Rah wagged her finger at me, "NO MORE APPLE CIDER FOR YOU L!" boo hoo.

what would a last hurrah in Spoke with Rah be without a shart?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

help me

i. am. packing. my. wardrobe. have been at it since 10 a.m. it's now 4. and as most of you know i have the master closet to myself and it is as big as an entire wall in our bedroom. two sets of double doors. this closet means serious business. and so far i have 4 plastic bins, 7 garbage bags and 2 large boxes filled. AND I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING FINISHED OMGGGGGG.

so irritated with the mounds of clothes.

and when i decided i needed a lil afternoon break to make myself a cheese sandie, i suddenly saw two spiders crawling deftly across my bedspread. i panicked and smashed them, their little guts smearing across my white duvet. ahhhh motherFUDGE, come on self, use your brain. i decided to deal with it later. i meandered into the kitchen for my cheese. i also poured myself a nice fresh glass of country apple cider from an orchard. i walked back to my room to facebook and eat my snack. i set my cup on the edge of my nightstand, or at least I THOUGHT I DID OMG. my cup caught the lip of my nightstand and i watched it fall, fall to the ground and spill everywhere. it landed on my computer. but don't worry...knowing what an idiot my own self is, i bought a heavy-duty case for my laptop long ago. but oh the HORROR of stick from the apple cider!! it got everywhere. including the bedskirt, the carpet, all the clothes sitting within a 12 mile radius of the spill, the bottoms of my feet and my fanny. (who doesn't pack their closet in their underwear? i mean obvs i take breaks to try things on and have mini fashion shows) so here i am all covered in stick. staring at spider guts on my bed and surrounded by clothes.

help me.


Rah and i drank a costco sized bottle of wine and this happened:

we put Cleo in a giant vase and laughed our asses off until JJ came in the room screaming "GOD DAMMIT L WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! ANIMAL CRUELTY!"

Friday, October 1, 2010



what is wrong with me?

i think i'm going a little bat shit crazy. with all the moving and the packing and the cleaning and the spackling. i mean it's just straight madness around here. and my last day babysitting M, S and P was last week so i'm a little sad. and a little bored. and there are boxes and random things and bubble wrap and just STUFF everywhere. so i thought i would start off my morning by watching a few television shows on my computer, when i heard them. THE NEIGHBOR BOYS AND THEIR BALL. THAT DAMN BALL. BOUNCING AGAIN AND AGAIN AGAINST THE WALL OF MY BEDROOM. and i'm like OMG I SWEAR IF THEY DON'T STOP DOING THAT I'M GOING TO MARCH OUTSIDE AND GIVE THEM AN EARFUL. only i wouldn't really do that because my outfit thus far today consists of the following" a pink babydoll nightie and men's sweatpants with the elastic around the ankles. it's sort of conflicting: like sexy on the top softball player on the bottom. so obviously i was in no shape to be storming around outside yelling at children.

so i texted JJ, "the idiot children are outside with their stupid ball again."

he said, "that sucks"

i said, "i know, can't an out-of-work loser watch some reality television in peace!??!?!?!"

to which he didn't respond.

so i said, "LOL" as an afterthought to make myself look less-loserish.

omg i'm so embarrassing. and here i am, blogging away, still wearing the hideous conflicting outfit.



i drove Dee to the doctor the other day and we were sitting in the waiting room discussing my move to California. i told her that we had sold the spare bed. she asked how i did it and i said, "we put a picture and a description of the bed up on a website called craigslist and someone saw it and came to our house and bought it" and Dee gave me a horrified look and said, "WHAT? I THOUGHT CRAIGSLIST WAS FOR PORNOS AND PEOPLE LOOKING FOR SEX!!!"

ha ha ha

oh, Pap

i went home for a few days for my dad's birthday. and very conveniently my sister MM had a volleyball game an hour away that of course i was delighted to attend. my parents always drive my Pap (dad's dad). and Pap is a funny, funny man. here is the perfect story to represent his demeanor:

Pap has a BIG big hard belly. when my little cousin S was 4, he asked Pap a very reasonable question: "Pap you gotta baby in there?" to which Pap replied, "shut the hell up you jackass."

there are a lot of funny stories like the one above. and during the car ride home from the volleyball game, this one happened. my mom doubted that my readers would think this story was funny, but i wanted to capture Pap in his truest form and share him with you. he is one funny man, and i hope that his personality will shine through during the story so you can understand how truly funny it really was:

my mom suggested that we stop for dessert at McDonald's so we all ordered mcflurries. except for Pap. Pap ordered a quarter-pounder with cheese.

so we all munched away happily. after about 12 bites, i realized that my allergy to milk would not be pleasant for my fellow carmates, so i offered my dessert to Pap, who was already finished with his quarter-pounder with cheese. he said, "HUH? i don't know, what the hell is it?" as he was grabbing it out of my hands, and i said "a a blizzard. it's ice cream with recess peanut butter cups in it."

and you know how the spoon on a mcflurry is weird?

like the top is open and hollow so the mcd's employees can attach it to the mcflurry machine and mix up the candy in your ice cream. you know right???

well no sooner had Pap snatched the treat out of my hands, he was sucking on the top of the spoon. my dad and i instantly fell into a FIT of giggles WE COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING at Pap, but Pap just kept sucking the spoon. finally he said, "what the hell is wrong with this? are you guys playing a joke on me?" to which my dad and i laughed harder. Pap kept sucking. so my dad says, "NO PAP you dumbass, you're sucking the spoon!" and we laughed some more. and Pap says, "now why in the hell would they make a spoon that looks like a straw?" and dad and i laughed until our stomachs hurt.

two minutes later we heard the sound of the mcflurry spoon scraping the bottom of the empty cup. oh, Pap.

catheter commercial

JJ and i watched a House marathon the other night, and it was one of those where the SAME commercial kept coming on EVERY commercial break. and the commercial made JJ sick with dread.

twas a commercial for catheters. i guess just the thought of a catheter is enough to make any man cringe with hatred. and of course all the commercials are louder than the actual program, so much to my delight i got to enjoy JJ shut his eyes, writhing in uncomfortability whilst covering his ears and screaming "LA LA LA LAAAA!" and he would say "IS IT OVER YET?!?!" and i would say "YES!" right as the fake doctor comes on screen and says, "never use a dirty catheter again!" and he would yell at me. but then it would all happen again during the next commercial break. it was like COME ON JJ DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?! of COURSE i'm going to take any opportunity i can get to annoy the shit out of you.

of course i apologized later for being a bit of an ass, and just before we fell asleep, i couldn't help myself really, i said quietly, "aren't you glad you don't have to wear a catheter everyday?"

he stared at me. then sighed very heavily under his breath, called me "impossible," and went to sleep. i would have rather seen him leap out of bed in rage and give me a lecture on how insensitive and rude i am, but hey, we can't win every time.

my brush with fame round 2

my family was in town a couple of weekends ago and we went to Nordstrom. and do you know who we saw at Nordstrom?

yes, yes it's true. we saw Ray Liotta in Nordstrom in Spokane, WA. except he doesn't look like that anymore. he is overweight. and he wears a leather fannypack. and he was buying running shoes and uggs. and he was enthralled by my family. we walked over to the men's shoe department and my mom is so awkward she says, "hey! we know you..." in a cheesy voice and we all wanted to die. he proceeded to give us all love life advice, and he got really close when he leaned in to talk to us.

he wouldn't tell us what movie he's filming, but i would bet $50 that it isn't a good one.

so that's twice this year i've had my brush with fame. Ray Liotta and that guy from the band "minus the bear" or whatever. COME ON CAN'T I JUST MEET TAYLOR SWIFT OR KE$HA?!!??! yep, i said Ke$ha. i know.


my sister sent me this picture the other day:

it is my name written inside the front cover of the book she received for her first day of school. and there is a scribbly young man's script that reads "gay" with an arrow.

and i knew in an instant who the two possible culprits could be:

1. LJ's husband. who is quite the jokester. there was a week in junior high when he would take a dirty chalkboard eraser and slap it against my back, thus causing a rectangular-shaped chalk print on one of my many favorite Gap t-shirts. so i would not put it past him to write "gay" next to my name in my Spanish book in 2003.

2. my cousin BC. he is an assbag. through and through. his specialty in life is to be an ass. we had said Spanish class together, and one time we got into a verbal fight during class and got in trouble. so obviously "gay" could easily have been him.

so i texted the two. LJ's husband said, "nope, that's not my handwriting, but that's hilarious!"


so you see why the verbal fight in Spanish class may have happened.

isn't is just wonderful that the memory of my name shall live on at SHS inside of a Spanish book with "gay" written next to it? just wonderful.

*disclaimer* even though BC is indeed the king of the asses, i love him dearly and we get along most days. MOST days.

also i got him back in college. we had too many pink panty droppers and i gave him a drunken haircut that he had to shave his head in order to fix. tee hee.

to Chanel or not to Chanel?

this hiatus is just unacceptable i know it. here you all are, checking my much anticipated blog daily--every hour on the hour--and i have let you all down for far too long.

in my defense though, many a thing has been filling my brain. i even told my mom that i can't start reading a new book because i literally don't have room in my brain to follow another story. TV doesn't count. there is always room for TV. but seriously, my life has been a whirlwind of new things, the most important being that we are moving on Tuesday.

we found an apartment. a. one. bedroom. one. bathroom. apartment. with a kitchen from 1981. not kidding. and with the commonality of a thing called "Pet Rent" in California, we learned that an $800 deposit PER PET along with a $40/month PER PET rent is per usual. so unfortunately we were forced to choose between the Cs...

now i know what you're thinking. you think it was an easy decision, that my relationship with her isn't the greatest and that Cleo is the favorite. but, Chanel has been a constant in my crazy, ever-changing young adult life. i got Chanel as a wee kitten who was rescued from a box on the side of the road. her initial beauty is what attracted me to her. but as of yet, she has cost me/JJ/my parents a combined total of over $3,000. she is the million dollar cat. Christ, she should be shitting gold nuggets. i love her. but i didn't think about the complications she might cause in my life when i adopted her the summer after my sophomore year in college. yes, tis true that she got me through The Lonely Year, but the damn thing has had heat stroke (which is such a failure considering the better part of her species reside in Africa. so Chanel, you lose), a urinary tract infection, numerous haircuts, her front claws removed, etc. the list continues. also, each time i have lived in a new place since her arrival into my life, i have paid a minimum deposit/fine of $500..PER PLACE. at this point in her life Chanel is middle aged. she is 37 according to the "how old is my cat?" chart at the Sultan's office. she would not fare well in a 21-hour car drive to CA. basically, we chose to leave her behind for two reasons: 1. she has already cost us a fortune and 2. for her own benefit, she would be happier in a place that she knows--my parents' house.

and since my sister MM asked my parents for a kitten for her birthday, i thought i'd kill two birds with one stone and wrap ol Chanel's neck with a purple satin bow and regift her to MM. JJ's favorite thing to do is throw me under the bus and tell people that i didn't want Chanel. rude.

much to my surprise, 4 hours after this dramatic regifting happened, my dad had a talk with me about what a waste it will be to live in a crap apartment for a year. he did the math and decided $15,000 of rent into the crap apartment would be a waste. so he and my mom suggested we start house hunting so that we could invest in a true home. so, the plan was to live in the crap apartment for a year, but now there is an end in sight with the hopes of a cute little starter home. which is WONDERFUL! but now i have to Indian Give like a third grader and take Chanel back from poor MM. but not until we find a house. alas, Chanel will one day be a California Kitty. OH AND ALSO we sold the bed in the spare room last week. the one that we thought Chanel ruined with her toxic cat piss when she had that UTI. but the week that spent outside in the fresh air--along with the professional cat urine remover solution from the Sultan worked wonders, and a woman got a great $100 deal.

so at this point i feel that Chanel is chuckling an evil chuckle to herself whilst murmuring in a deep raspy voice, "ya can't get rid of me that easily...heh heh heh."

this photo was taken just prior to the dramatic regifting.
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