Tuesday, December 21, 2010

a scary man

while i was packing for home, trying to figure out how my giant black fur vest that my Mom says is a "Hideous Gorilla Vest" was going to fit in my suitcase when there came a knock at the door.

COULD IT BE?! JJ'S LAST LONELY CHRISTMAS GIFT!? (it has been stuck in Kentucky for 5 days due to "adverse weather conditions. ghodddddd)

nope, not the UPS man. just a man. i hesitated. he said, "IT'S YOUR NEIGHBORRR!" and i thought he needed help. so i cracked the door and said, "hello?" and he said, "it's ok, i'm just your neighbor."

then he gave me a speech about how he made the dean's list at cal state (there are like 463 cal states, that should have been the giveaway) and that his son is autistic at the Ronald McDonald House and could i please donate $42 to the fund that provides books for children? and if i did, he would wash my car (???). i examined his appearance: dirty clothes, crooked, chipped yellow teeth and he absolutely wreaked of smoke. i shut the door so it was srsly just open a tiny crack. and i said, "i'm sorry, that's too much money." then he asked if i could afford half. i was like OK i can afford half, it would be a nice thing to do...so i grabbed my checkbook and then he said, "oh, ummm, actually you can't do half...." then i got realllll creeped out and i was like I CAN'T AFFORD THAT, I HAVE MY OWN BILLS THNX HAVE A GOOD DAY and i shut the door. then he stood on my doorstep for like 2 minutes talking to himself. then he was gone. and i felt so violated. so i texted JJ. and of course he freaked out and told me to use my brain and to never answer the door if it's someone i don't know blah blah blah. then he told me to call the apartment complex and report him. so i did. and apparently someone else already called about him. so they sent security.

BUT YOU THINK I'M LEAVING MY APARTMENT TODAY?! NOT A CHANCE.

you guys, why am i so stupid? why didn't i just ignore him?

and now he's probs going to steal away into my home tonight and slice my throat 4 days before Christmas. just my luck.

VAMPIREEEEEE

ok i got red lipstick.

i mean it IS Christmas after all, what better time than now to wear red lipstick??

so i put it on last night and went to show JJ and he gasped and furrowed his brow and said i frightened him. and that "oh i like it, it's just...different. a little bit creepy."

so i took a picture and sent it to my Mom and my sister M. my Mom said, "agree with JJ. you look a tad creepy, but you're always adorable :)" thnx Mom. Moms always have to say "but you're always adorable." even when you were an awkward teen with giant purple glasses and horrid acne and were in fact, not the least bit adorable. and my sister M said, "tid bit creepy. even A thinks it's creepy." she showed her fiance's sister the picture too.

OK ASSHOLES. REALLY!??! IT'S RED LIPSTICK. I LOOK COOL AND SULTRY. LIKE A FUDGING VAMPIRE THAT WILL SUCK THE BLOOD RIGHT OUT OF YOUR NECK SO SHUT THE HELL UP.

YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF: am i creepy? or vampy?



actually i don't care because i'm going to wear it on Christmas anyway.

also, right before bed JJ said, "OK earlier i was just being nice. i hate the red lipstick."

i'm going to put 8 coats of it on and smear it all over his pillow.

SNOW

OH LOOKIE AT MY PARENTS' DRIVEWAY!!! ALL SNOW-COVERED AND PERFECTTTTT



i can't waittttttt TO GO HOME OMFG! THURSDAY MORNING!

i even packed today. all the packing for me, JJ and Cleo. we are 100% ready to go! :):):) yeeeeeeeee!

$107.90 date night

on friday night JJ and i went out on a date. which is not a very regular occurrence lately since i don't have a job. but we had a coupon. and we went to a LOCAL italian restaurant.

it. was. DELICIOUS.

we had a million slices of warm, fresh TO DIE FOR bread, and got fried mozzarella as an apetizer. then JJ got pesto pasta for his main dish, and i got a glass of wine and a caprese salad MY FAVE. and look what the oil and vinegar made on my plate!!!!!!:



a heart! isn't it the cutest thing ever?

we had such a nice time. and since we had our coupon it was only like $37.00 including tip! great deal.

then this morning i checked our bank account and we have a charge from ANTONINO'S FOR $107.90!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COME. ON. so much for that perfect night. if it wasn't like one of three local restaurants i would say NEVER GOIN' BACK THAT'S BULLSHIT, but instead i will just be very annoying on the phone when i complain.

it's a good thing we pay close attention to our bank account online because i bet there are lots of (richer) people who wouldn't notice the discrepancy.

butt pirouettes

yesterday i bought pirouette cookies, you know the ones? the long sticks that are hazelnut chocolate flavored and positively delectable.

well i bought them because we had guests. they are a nice Christmas treat for guests. and the guests certainly enjoyed them.

but later last night, as we were going to bed, JJ wandered into the room with a pirouette cookie dangling from his mouth. i was like OMG GIVE ME A BITE RIGHT NOWWWW PLZZZZZ

so he came over to me and put the last bite in my mouth. and i said, "why does your hand smell bad like dirt?"

and he said, all non-chalant-like, "i just itched my butt."

i hate him.

Christmas Celebration #1

yesterday JJ's sister S and her husband and two kids came over at noon to have a Christmas celebration with us! :) it was so much fun. they brought wonderful little pressies for Cleo and JJ and i even got little surprises, so exciting. i love presents. no one loves presents more than me. then S and i left the boys to watch a movie while we went shopping. and of course since we live in southern california, the mall is an outside mall. but it has been non-stop pouring rain since friday. and i'm not complaining, i love the cold, wet weather, but it was a struggle trying to shop.

we went to the gap where i spent hardly any money on a lifetime's worth of clothes for JJ. all the sale items were an additional 40% off. i got great things that will make him look tres handsome. and i also bought myself a hat, some jeweled flats, a t-shirt that says "hammered" and 4 pairs of underwear.

TANGENT: GAPBODY UNDERWEAR IS THE GREATEST UNDERWEAR EVER IN LIFE. i'm literally not kidding. if you like to be comfortable, that is. if you like little pieces of lace and frill stuck up your fanny, by all means, keep shopping at Vic's Secret. but if you, like me, enjoy a nice full-butted pair of underwear in the next size up of what you would normally wear, then GapBody underwear are your gals. srsly. the softest cotton in the world, they are like wedgie-proof and brilliant. and yesterday all of them were $2.50 a piece (regularly $12.50 a piece) !!! so you can imagine my excitement when i found 4 pairs for realllll cheap. and i washed them all today and when they came out of the dryer i like rolled around in them because they're so great.

so after shopping we went back to my apartment and made dinner! S made this delicious Christmas Wreath Pot Pie (that's what we named it) and it was SO GOOD. and it's easy, so i might even venture into the kitchen when i'm home for Christmas to recreate it. we had wine and conversation and it was splendid.

then i made sugar cookies and let the little boys decorate them with frosting and a truckload full of sprinkles. little kids LOVE sprinkles. LOL.

and before we knew it--it was 7 p.m.! we said our goodbyes and wished them Merry Christmas.

what a perfect, fun day :)

and we also got an early Christmas present yesterday from JJ's sister E and her family: a new linen shabby chic duvet cover! OMG! OBSESSED. i'm laying all snuggled up in it right this minute and it's wonderful. WONDERFULLLLLLL

men smell like farts

on saturday morning JJ was like "hey, my friends are coming over tonight."

and so they came. three of them. all in their manly smells and such. they came barreling into my tiny apartment with bags and beer. oy.

the men all left for buffalo wild wings and i just ate nachos and watched Fred Claus on TBS. then they got home and moved my couches all caddy wompus-like around the family room and nearly knocked over my glass candle holders. and then they played tiger woods on the xbox for like 4 straight hours while i locked myself in the bedroom and drank wine and talked to Moon on the phone. then they all left to eat sushi. and i stayed home and made some more nachos and threw in a clementine orange for good measure. then it started: the rumble in my tummy.

and here is the worst/best feature of our apartment: the bathroom is in our bedroom. so guests have to come into the bedroom to use the toilet. it's awesome when we don't have guests because if you have to pee at 3 a.m. you literally just roll out of bed and onto the toilet.

well i had the rumble in my tummy. when they got back from sushi i was already laying in bed watching santa claus is comin' to town (the claymation version obvs) and so i went to have the Big D in the bathroom. but i was not relaxed. at all. so i was plugged. i went to bed at like 8:30 because i had the worst tummy ache ever in life and i couldn't complain to JJ because his friends were there.

at 6 a.m. on sunday i woke up with an angry asshole.

and my bathroom smelled horrendous. but i made JJ say to his friends that it was he who took the shit.

i climbed back into bed and wanted to die of embarrassment.

then, one by one, each of his friends came into the bathroom. and each took a bigger and meaner shit. and my tiny apartment smelled like a not so tiny turd. it. was. disgusting. so we opened all the doors and windows even though it was raining. then i went into the bathroom with febreeze in hand and sprayed for like 45 seconds. when it was decent, i took a shower. and the bathroom smelled all nice and fresh because of all my girlie products. then i got out and got dressed and when i opened the bedroom door to the family room i was overcome by a wave of fart. i gagged my way out, shouted goodbye and found sanctuary in Target buried in the new line by William Rast.

when i got back home, the boys were gone but the fart smell stayed.

i. never. want. sons. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

dumpster diving

today i ventured out of the apartment further than the park. Cleo and i went to mail our Christmas cards. when we got there, the guy said "you need 20 more cents on each card because of the odd envelope size." REALLY GUY?! so i had to buy 90 10 cent stamps and peel them all off and stick them on the envelopes. and the 10 cent stamps have a picture of a pocketwatch on them. so it throws off the whole Christmas balance. very annoying.

then we went to target. where we i needed to get toilet paper and mayonnaise. i know, gross combo. but then i accidentally got everything but toilet paper. RATS! i hate when i forget.

then we went home.

the real story here came as Cleo and i were walking to the car to go on our little adventure. i was on the phone with Moon, juggling Cle's leash, the bag containing the Christmas cards, my purse and a bag of garbage. i was walking to the dumpster to toss the trash. i walked into the trash area and my heart fell out of my chest. for there, digging through the dumpster like it was completely NORMAL, was a guy. he was like "oh, hey!" i mean, if it weren't for the fact that i was on the phone with Moon i would have screamed. instead i panicked and threw my garbage at him. i was on my period last week so my garbage was basically just a bunch of used tampon applicators and a few empty cookie containers. then i got into my car and told Moon what had just happened. it was really frightful. like, you can't just hang around in the dumpster all creepy-like and say hello to people. the thing is, he wasn't homeless. he was like a totally normal guy. he was in jeans and a t-shirt and a hat. Moon and i came to two conclusions: 1. he accidentally threw something away (like the engagement ring he was planning on giving to his girlfriend) and was in the garbage looking for it, in which case, i'm very embarrassed to have thrown my used tampon applicators in his face, or 2. he was out of his mind on LSD and thought he was in his apartment. but really he was in the dumpster.

either way, he was tres creepy.

you have one hot toddy!

i sent my Dad a text the other day saying how much i missed him and how i can't wait to see him for Christmas.

he sent me a text back, but i was in the kitchen so JJ read it. and he said, "uh, i think your Dad accidentally sent you a text that was supposed to go to your Mom..."

so i read the text:

"hey rooney, i miss you too. i will wait for you to come home to watch christmas vacation. that is our deal. then we will take a nap. and have a hot toddy."

i was like, "what? why do you think it's for my Mom??"

he said, "...because it says 'hot toddy' that sounds dirty"

and i laughed. hahahahahahahahhahaha OMG JJ NO!! HOT TODDY IS NOT SEXUAL EWWWWW!! IT'S A HOT BEVERAGE WITH ALCOHOL IN IT. HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

what a doofus.

pretty woman

oh, so THIS is why i'm not getting hired. i'm just too hot...not that i include a picture of myself with my resume, that's weird. although maybe i SHOULD include a picture of myself. and maybe that picture should be me as drunk santa.

read THIS

life's a bitch.

i have one question for you readers...



have you ever seen me look better?

Monday, December 13, 2010

bad. dog.

Cleo has been quite a good pup since we moved. and the balcony makes it nice and easy for her to go outside and relieve herself on the artificial grass mat whenever she pleases.

and i take her to the park everyday and let her run off-leash and fancy-free for 20 minutes to let her soak up the joy of being a dog.

and she loves that i am home with her all day, and if i have to leave, she usually gets to come along.

except. this morning, when i was enjoying watching desperate housewives on hulu, i got a waft. an all-too-familiar waft. of dog peeeeeeee. NOOOOO COME ON CLEO!

and sure enough, when i placed my nose to the carpet, there was a definite pee smell. she must have done it while i was at the DMV. little. manipulative. shithead.

so i cleaned the spot and took her outside to her grass mat. i placed her on the mat and said, "Cleo go potty," which she knows and understands very well. she sad down on the grass mat and stared at me. so i picked her up and placed her on the mat again and said, "CLEO GO POTTY" and she laid down on the grass mat and turned her head away, refusing to look at me.

she is nothing short of an evil genius. honestly, she abuses her good looks and kind demeanor to trick us into thinking she is just a cute little dummy. but really she is peeing behind our backs when we leave.

i suppose it's our fault, though. we baby her too much. but really, LOOK AT THAT FACE, HOW COULD WE NOT WANT TO SNUGGLE AND LOVE HER ALL DAY!?!?!?!



at the park 12/11

hot hot hot

OK so i DO miss the snow and the Christmas season and all that jazz...but really, how can i complain when, on December 12, it was 87 degrees and we were here:



loungin at the pool and soakin up the sun and lettin our freckles come out...

HOW CAN I COMPLAIN!?!?!?

#1 reason

why i wanted to punch JJ on Friday afternoon.

i had just finished taking a nice little poo, when i saw this:



@&#$(*#@UIJESKU*!(_(@!IOJ$O#@%(*$)(&%(#YNRIINSDHA(OIN HR^748389u b7r8^&*YHJEFKS

srsly. SRSLY SERIOUSLY JJ!?!?!?!?!?

and it's not like the toilet paper is within reaching distance. it's in the cupboard above the toilet. so i had to sort of shake my bum as best as i could and turn around and climb onto the toilet (because i can't reach the cupboard standing up) and grab a new roll. it was very inconvenient. and GOOD GOD COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD SLIPPED AND MY FOOT HAD FALLEN INTO MY OWN POO!?!?

so annoying.

scare

last night JJ wanted to go to the grocery store to get milk for his morning coffee. and he forced me to go with him. so i went. and so did Cleo. i waited in the car.

and i don't know what it is with my crazy, violent scenarios on how i will die...

maybe that story about the idiot people who put their baby in their car at a sketch-ass rest stop and walked away, only to have their car stolen by a maniac, then the parents chased after their car and got it and their baby back...(did you guys hear about that?! true story, it was on the Today Show).

or

maybe it's because i spent saturday nursing my hangover with water and nachos in bed watching movies. i watched the fugitive. and there is a lot of being held at gunpoint in that movie. it's not a scary movie per se, but it is a definite thriller.

or

the general fact that when i watch or read the news, i think everything bad that happens to the people is going to happen to me. i worry.

so i don't know what it is, but i sat there in the grocery store parking lot, afraid for my life. the car was running, and it was warm out, so i had the window down. then i pictured a bad guy popping into the car and punching Cleo and telling me shut up. then i pictured me kicking the guy in the face and him pulling out a gun and shooting me in the ear, making my ear fall off (and thus, never to be normal looking again), and pushing me out of the car, stealing the volvo with Cleo inside. really. what is wrong with me??@?!?!?!? i live in suburbia-ville. but i locked the doors and rolled up my windows anyway. and i didn't breathe easily until JJ got back into the car.

and that's why i can't watch any of the Saw movies. not that i would want to, but you see what happens when i subject myself to scary things.

sneaky little shits.

yesterday we went shopping at the Rack. because i got a groupon a couple of weeks ago. $25 for $50 to spend at the Rack. SO GREAT!!

Cleo came. because how could we leave her behind when she does this?



she knew we were leaving and climbed into my purse. sneaky little shit.

and i finished the christmas shopping!!! i shopped and JJ went off and did his own thing. i put everything in the cart. and when we were in line to check out i spotted one more thing to buy. so i went off to find the size i needed and when i went back to the line i couldn't find JJ. then i saw him. at the register waving his arms frantically at me. i had the groupon. and the wallet. ha ha ha. so he was just standing there with no form of payment while the lady waited to be paid. the bill was larger than what i had expected, since almost everything in the store was an additional 35% off yesterday. so as we were walking out i looked at the receipt. everything i had bought was nice n cheap. then i got to the bottom. two $17.97 items. JJ HAD SNUCK TWO PAIRS OF BASKETBALL SHORTS INTO THE CART. COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNN. sneaky little shit.

but at least the Christmas shopping is done! hooray! time to celebrate! we got home and wrapped presents and watched Elf. cottonheadedninnymuggins.

naughty or nice? probs naughty.

there isn't one picture of me from JJ's work Christmas party.

and it's a shame because i looked great. i had an adorbale light brown chiffon fluffy dress on with matte black tights and high heels. i had my hair in a holiday bun with my big giant maroon flower headband.

the theme of the party was "naughty or nice" and basically it's a white elephant gift exchange and flip cup tournament (of which i am the champion).

JJ and i went to target 30 minutes before the party and bought two gifts:

1. a 6-pack of O'Douls and KY jelly
2. size XXL cheetah print underwear, a bottle of Andre "champagne" and a can of whipped cream.

you can imagine the embarrassment when we checked out. sensing one of my awkward comments, JJ whispered to me, "shh, L. don't say anything." and so i kept quiet. and it was too quiet. so as the poor teen boy was ringing up the giant underpants, JJ said, "THOSE ARE FOR ME, HEH HEH HEH!" and i just turned and stared at him. who's the awkward comment idiot now???

we got to the party and it was a blast! in the exchange i got: a six pack of beer, some cookies and a picture of one of JJ's coworkers where he is giving the thumbs up that is absolutely hilarious. and JJ got: something nasty. but here is a hint: it's huge and pink and Cleo is scared of it.

everyone laughed when they opened our gifts. i was worried they were lame. but they weren't! then the girls JM, JR and SD (wives/gf of JJ's coworkers--and my only friends down here who i am obsessed with) took a shot and everyone headed downstairs for the flip cup tournament. JM even has a flip cup glove. that's real. hahahah aaaa it was boys against girls. and at this drunken state of the night, we chose our team name to be Team Bloody Hole. i mean, could we be any more disgusting? but it was HILARIOUS. and we DOMINATED THE BOYS. and JJ even caught us on video. and i fell down and skinned my elbow. he caught that on video too.

and i may or may not have puked in the bushes and on my tights after that and was forced by my husband to go home.

i just can't drink the way i used to. but seriously, it was the best party ever, and i love my new friends.

DMV. again. AGAIN.

ok so after i dropped my mom off, i knew i had to keep busy or else i would get sad.

so i set off for the DMV.

and i should let you all know that JJ and i set appointments and went to the DMV a couple of weeks ago. and were sent away because i didn't have my birth certificate or my passport.

so i had my mom send me a copy of my birth certificate and i took my passport on friday.

please, just believe me when i tell you that the DMV in california is unlike any DMV anywhere. at 7:45 a.m., 15 minutes before opening, the line is 60 people long and starting to wrap around the building. i parked and i waited in line. when it was finally my turn the lady said, "this birth certificate is invalid because it's a copy." so i handed her my passport, the picture in which i look like so butch it's embarrassing. and she said, "wait, your last names do not match." and i said, "well i got married. but my maiden name is still part of my name." and she said, we need to follow a paper trail of your life. do you have your marriage certificate?" and i was like NO I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT THING SINCE THE LAST TIME I WENT TO THE DMV IN WASHINGTON TO GET MY NEW LICENSE WITH MY NEW NAME ON IT GHODDDDD. but really i said, "no, but i have my social security card that has my name on it." and she said, "that isn't good enough."

so i jumped into my car and drove to our storage unit. and searched for the damn marriage certificate. couldn't find it. sped home and searched every slice of paper in the damn apartment. no dice. went back to the storage unit, took off my shoes and hunkered down to search some more.

it should be noted that i absolutely hate storage units. what a perfect place for a murder. srsly. you could just creep up behind someone and hold them at gunpoint. then steal all of their storage unit things, shoot the person and stuff them into the storage unit and lock it. i mean really. that is my fear. i really hate the storage unit. so i was looking over my shoulder every 5 seconds to make sure i wasn't going to die, then finally, in a box marked "kitchen miscellaneous," i found our marriage certificate, crumpled up in a magic bullet container. i grabbed the document and thrust my hand in the air, triumphant and happy.

then it was back to the DMV. and it was only 9:45 a.m., mind you. and i waited in line again. and this time i sat next to a woman who had her dog in a stroller. that's real. and really, the waiting wasn't so bad since i had my phone and Christmas music was playing.

it was third times the charm, right? i had: my copy of the birth certificate, my passport, my social security card, my marriage certificate and a bottle of rum. not really a bottle of rum, but i wished. and when it was my turn i gave the lady everything and held my breath. she had my fill out a form and take a vision test. then i lied about my height and weight and stood in line for my picture.

almost home free!

then they took my picture and handed me a copy (GASP! SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. GREASY BEAST. GREASSSSSSSYYYYYYYY BEAST. GOD. DAMMIT.) then they sent me to take the written test. so i took it. and i passed with the lowest possible score. (did you know, that in California it is illegal to smoke in a car with children in it? i mean, GREAT law, but who knew?!?!?!)

and then the woman handed me a form and said, "your hard copy will come in the mail. by the way, that's a nice picture." and i think the asshole was being facetious because CLEARLY it is NOT a nice picture.

but i did it! yay!

then i went to get my fingerprints done. that's what you have to do in california to become employed. the schools asked me to do it. so i did it. and it cost me $66. THAT'S ASININE!!!!!!

then i went home and took a nap. when i woke up i took a shower and got ready for JJ's work holiday party...

surprise

i haven't blogged in forevs. and it was because i actually had a life last week (!!!) on tuesday night JJ said he had to go and get a surprise for me. and he left at 10 p.m. to get it. and i got annoyed because i was like COME ON THAT'S SO LATE JUST GET IT TMRWWWW. and then i fell asleep when he left.

i was sound asleep when he got home. he walked in the room and set something on the bed. at first i thought it was a super-chic travel bag for Cleo (i know, i'm a little too obsessed with the travel style of my dog) then, upon closer inspection i saw that it was a very familiar red suitcase. SO I LEAPED OUT OF BED AND THERE, STANDING ON MY FRONT STOOP, WAS MY MOM! it was the best surprise ever. i was like "MOM, WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU HEREEE?!!? MOMMMMMM!" and i ran and hugged her and jumped up and down and hugged her again. then i didn't want to go to bed again because i was so excited.

and we had the best time! she found a sweet deal on a flight down here and she and JJ planned a secret trip. isn't that wonderful? just me and my mom. which doesn't happen very often since i have three sisters. i like hogging her all to myself.

so the next morning when we got up we went shopping! i took her to The Vic. which is like the largest shopping center ever. right here in the cucamongross! it has EVERYTHING. except nordstrom. we had so much fun. we finished all of her christmas shopping and she got me lovely little peacock plates from anthropologie and bare minerals makeup. i'm a big girl now! no more maybeline for me!

we met JJ for lunch, too. at a real, local sandie shop! verdict: it was no SF sourdough, but srsly, it was pretty good. i could hardly put my mouth around the thing! ("that's what she said," says Michael Scott. sorry, couldn't help myself) that night we got cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and watched a movie and then i didn't want to go to bed again. because i was so excited she was here.


lunch :)

the next day we woke up and went to starbucks and took Cleo to the park to play. then we went to pasadena. where we shopped again and it was wonderful and i got an adorbs little kate spade phone case (that i paid for all by myself) and lots of other christmas goodies. we also got my sister M some wedding shoes.



and i got really jealous because i want them.

then we went home and played cards and cleaned my balcony and hung up christmas lights and ate carrots and went to target and watched a movie and made little chocolate and pretzel christmas treats.

and when i took her to the airport on friday morning i didn't even cry. but i did get sad. i didn't want her to leave. but i will see her and THE REST in 10 days! eeeee!

thanks for coming mommmmmmmmmmz.

Monday, December 6, 2010

junk.

since i have been applying to about 67 jobs a day, my junk mail folder has gotten to be quite large and cumbersome. i wouldn't go in there, but sometimes emails that i actually want are put in there, like the one from RCvolunteers.com who said they received my application. i want to walk dogs and socialize with cats. it's something to do to fill my lonely days.

but mostly the emails really are junk. and there's a bizarre consistency with the emails. they fall within five categories:

1. food
2. vacations
3. self help
4. unemployment funding
5. lesbianism

this morning, for instance, i got 7 emails.

1. from "Unemployment Poll" subject line: Attn: L: $500 check to pay your bills!

2. from "Experience Las Vegas" subject line: Las Vegas Specials! Las Vegas Las Vegas Las Vegas Las Vegas!

3. from "Depression Help" subject line: Do you know someone in need of help, L?

4. from "Cruise Values" subject line: Re: Reduced Cruise Packages for you, L!

5. from "Thanks for Responding" subject line: McDonald's Giftcard for you, L! Reedem now!

6. from "Alcohol Rehab" subject line: Do you know someone in need of help, L?

7. from "Big Beautiful Women" subject line: Meet big beautiful women online, L! Find the right match for you today!

so just because i'm an unemployed loser, spammers send me conflicting emails. vacation packages and free unemployment money? Las Vegas and alcohol rehab? McDonald's coupons and Big Beautiful Women solicitations? i just don't understand.

this is not a vain photoshoot

i had a lil photoshoot at a stoplight the other day and JJ yelled at me, "oh L, stop being so vain!"

and i said "JJ i get dressed about 2.3 times a week at this point in my life. so i deserve to document those times when i actually look good. so shove it. and also Cleo isn't going to be around forever, so i can take as many pictures of her as i want."

but seriously. on the days i get dressed and put makeup on sometimes i have to catch myself in the mirror and give me a "well done, L" look because i forget how nice i clean up after a few days of men's sweatpants and greasy hair. it's a tough life you guys, I'M SERIOUS.





foot fungus

JJ came home on Tuesday from work complaining that he had athlete's foot. so i shouted at him to put on socks and to keep away from me. then he started to panic. and i was like "calm down it's just athlete's foot GHODDD" and he said "well i've never had it before so i don't know what to expect." and i laughed. because he never had athlete's foot when he was an actual athlete. or in high school, when everyone showers together after P.E. (barf. my school never did that by the way) and stomps around barefoot in used water. or in college when you forget to wear your shower shoes to the community bathrooms.

my point is, how could he get athlete's foot now, when he is only sharing a shower with a girl and a dog? i mean come on. he should have gotten it at least 4 times before now.

so i said, "if you've never had athlete's foot, then why are you, with such conviction, claiming that you have it now?"

and he said, "i saw a tinactin commercial today."

you know, as in "BOOM! FAST ACTIN' TINACTIN!" then we had an argument about whether or not it was "fast actin' tinactin" or, as JJ believes, "tough actin' tinactin." then we youtubed and decided that "fast actin'" is the old commercial and "tough actin'" is the new one.

so anyway, i was like JJ YOU DO NOT HAVE ATHLETE'S FOOT JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW A COMMERCIAL. COME ON YOU HYPOCHONDRIAC!!! and then he brought up the one time when i called him a hypochondriac and he actually had the flu. but still. he did not and still doesn't have athlete's foot. he forgot about the itching in his foot within 20 minutes.

full popular week

OK sorry i haven't blogged in a while. you know, i'm just SO BUSY with my life. KIDDING. but really, this week is a big week. going to get fingerprinted so i can get a substitute teaching job (!!!) and also i have been working on my Christmas cards. i even had a full social calendar this week. see below.

Monday: well, actually i did nothing this day.

Tuesday: attempted to go to the DMV to get a new license. and there was a line that wrapped around the building. also i think i saw a used tampon in the parking lot. vommit. am going to stake out a black-friday-like spot at 7:30 a.m. sometime this week.

Wednesday: i went to the post office and spent 75 non-existant dollars. WTF?!?! the virgin mary stamps were almost out so i had to buy as many as i could. and i also i mailed two birthday packages and my annual Christmas surprise to my closest family and friends. which cost $1.22 a pop. i am the reason the USPS is in business. GHODDD

Thursday: i went to Disneyland! to celebrate our niece's 4th birthday. it was a blast. JJ's mom called Buzz Lightyear "Bud Lightstar" LOL.


that's my nephew MG and me and my niece NJC on it's a small world. best ride ever.

Friday: i caught up on my TV shows. i also went to Michael's and bought a Martha Stewart craft because i got a 50% off coupon in my Real Simple magazine. i crafted my heart out that afternoon. that night i met the wives/girl coworkers/girlfriends of JJ's coworkers. last time i met them for drinks i offered to drive to meet our men at another bar. except when we got outside i forgot where i parked. i lost my car. wtf is wrong with me? i'm so embarrassing. we did an entire lap around the shopping center until i came in a close enough radius for the panic button to work. so this time i made JJ drop me off.

Saturday: i made JJ breakfast! a fried egg sandwich with cheese and extra mayonnaise!!! i'm such a good wife he he heee!! the apple cup! go zags! ha ha. but really, there was a showing of the game in Huntington Beach, so a group of JJ's work friends (cougar alum, sorry mom and dad) drove there to watch the game. i wore my one cougar shirt that says "WSU baseball" on it that Sam gave me in 2006, which has sought me through the best of times and the worst of times. and i saw someone i knew! isn't that crazy? it was the fiancee of my friend Curly Tyler. small world. anyway, i had too many chips and too many beers. and then i ordered a clam chowder. why is clam chowder my fave drinking food? like, ew. and JJ had to stop at a JITB so i could pee on the way home. and he wouldn't let me get curly fries and buttermilk ranch dressing and a chocolate milkshake. what a buzzkill.


me and JJ on the Huntington Beach Pier. nice net in the background, eh?


we had a Washington Apple shot! whoops, forgot about it until i found this pic. he he

Sunday: JJ went on an adventure to get us bagels. there are NO GOOD BAGELS IN RANCHO CUCAMONGROSS. i'm not kidding. none. i miss ultie (ultimate bagel). anyone else from GU miss ultimate bagel!?!?! then we went Christmas shopping. and i'm sooo almost done. just have two more gifts to buy. hooray! then we got home and watched along came polly on TBS (which is so underrated by the way. it's HILARIOUS. JJ and i always laugh like children when ben stiller has an IBS flare-up in Jennifer Anniston's bathroom LOLOLOL) while we wrapped presents. then we went to Pasadena for JJ's Mom's bday celebration and ate some DELICIOUS mexican food.

see how popular we are??

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

day 30

i'm done with the 30-day photo challenge!

a photo of you when you were happy:



this was taken by Moon just minutes after JJ proposed in Rovinj, Croatia June 2008. what a dreamboat he is. swooping into Venice on my European backpacking (bulghhh that backpack WEIGHED AS MUCH AS SHAQ!) trip with Moon, taking a boat with us to Croatia, and proposing right in a rocky cove on the Adriadic Sea with his grandmother's vintage ring that i adore. i was verrrrry happy in this picture.

those shoes i'm wearing? JJ and Moon made me put them outside while we slept. because i wore them without socks all day everyday for 5 weeks. he he he and they smelled to HIGH HEAVEN. i still have those vans, though, i just can't get rid of them. they remind me of that wonderful (but never to be done again because living out of a backpack for 5 weeks=nasty and SO not my style) trip.

i heart my hubblestiltskins.
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