Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Birds & Bees

i'm going to tell a story. a story from my 5th grade sexual ed. class. you know, where they split the boys and girls up and the girl teacher tells the girls vagina things and the boy teacher tells the boys what penises are really for.

this is really embarrassing.

my mom ambushed me and my sister M with "The Talk" when i think....i was about 11 and she was 9 (is that right mom, i truly can't rmbr) i do remember that we were sitting in the car. the three of us, in the yakima mall parking lot. and she told us how babies were made. and of course we were completely awkward and like "MOMMMM WE KNOWWWWW GHODDDD" and turned red. i had learned a few "adult words" from the dictionary already. i mean, i had heard a terrible boy (who also kicked a kid into a garbage can in 4th grade) call someone "a fag" on the playground and i promptly went into the library to look up the word in the dictionary. and it didn't have the word i was looking for. instead, it had "fagot" and read, "a bundle of sticks." i patted myself on the back for solving the issue on my own.

kids nowadays have to solve such problems. that's why kids these days have vulgar mouths, drink at age 12, smoke crack at age 14 and have babies by the time they're 16.

ANYWAY, so my Mom starts talking about "when a married man and woman really love each other...blah blah blah" and it was totally gross, and then we just had an awkward shopping trip because OMG MOM SAID PENIS EWEWEWEWEWWWWW

well not too long after The awk Talk, it was time for sex ed. class. first we were shown a diagram of the female and male reproduction system.

and i really don't know how to just shut up. because i raised my hand and asked what "anus" meant. i really didn't know. the diagram did not look like anything i had ever seen before. it wasn't obvious like a giant butt or anything. and everyone laughed at me.

then, after the session, we were all allowed to write down a question and put it into a big pot. the teacher promised the questions would be anonymous and that she would answer them to the best of her knowledge. well, i couldn't really think of anything. until i had an epiphany! i wanted to know if this was the reason boys generally weighed more than girls....i asked....AND I MEAN THIS IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING AND IF I HAD BEEN THE TEACHER I WOULD HAVE DIED LAUGHING..."does a man's penis count as part of his body weight?" the teacher said, "yes" and moved right on.

but i mean really? like men are at the DMV and the woman behind the counter asks, "and how much to do you weigh?" and the men say, "with or without my penis?" LIKE COME ON L YOU ARE SOOOOO DUMB. YOU WERE IN FIFTH GRADE, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST QUESTION EVER IN LIFE.

i just lose. but at least no one in the class knew it was my question.

did any of you ask anything worse than that in sex ed. class!!??!!??!?!


  1. Hmmm. I think we asked "what is a wet dream?" OMG! We literally went to the SJH library every day to look up words in the dictionary. Such nerds.

  2. I asked, "How do gay people have sex?" The teacher was like "ahh this is a gross question... then said the boys use the butthole and lesbians stroke each other." Hahaha such an awkward moment.


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