Monday, February 7, 2011

DA

i keep getting mail addressed to a man that is not me. he was the previous tenant of 192 i think.

and he gets all these things like credit card offers and coupon books and shit. i mean i could sign up for a new credit in his name and get him some sweet deals using said coupons. but instead i just open all his mail, read it, then rip it up and throw it away. and whatever, i know it's illegal and everything, but he doesn't get anything important. like, i wouldn't just open up a letter from his aunt or something.

it's just that i'm curious. if it WAS something important, i could have it forwarded to him and say "so sorry, didn't read the name on the letter!" and he would believe me. whatever, i like opening his junk mail because it's fun. and mostly because his name makes me pee with delight:

Dexter Armadillo.

THAT'S REAL. HIS REAL, LIVE NAME IS DEXTER ARMADILLO. hahahahjdkHAHAHAHAHAHAHA isn't that the GREATEST NAME you have ever heard!?!??! i mean, really? it doesn't get much better than that. i sort of think if you typed in "refined Latin man who likes to have a good time now and again" into Google, Dexter Armadillo's face would be the definition.

and since i read his junk mail, that obviously means i'm all close and personal with Dexter Armadillo, i feel like i knew him. it's like when i find a weird hair that is not mine, JJ's or Cleo's i think, "ew Dex, like come on, you could have cleaned up a little better." or when i step in the puddle of water that the dishwasher emits during the middle of its cycle, i curse Dexter Armadillo, "URRGGGGHH! ARMADILLSSSS YOU'RE KILLING ME! YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS DISHWASHER FIXED!"

is it weird that i do that? probs.

what kind of life did Dexter Armadillo lead? was he a family man? perhaps he enjoyed fishing or scrapbooking. Dex, if you're reading this, i'm sorry that i opened your mail. but i think we could be good friends if you'll give me a chance. sincerely, L.

1 comment:

  1. Ours is Richard Byram. & he gets porn-esque type mail. & once someone tried to serve him & when I said he didn't live there they guy was like... Are you sure? like i was lying....
    Do I remind you of the type of girl hanging out with some man who gets sex mail & is getting served? The man of my dreams.

    ReplyDelete

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