Monday, September 12, 2011

Chane'ls Haircut Part Deux


i scheduled Miss Bitch an appointment for this morning at 7 a.m. she was matted and kept getting dingleberries. we were SO over crusted pieces of poop being trailed all around the apartment. so JJ and i woke up cheerfully early at the crack of dawn and cajoled the Cs into the car in time to arrive at PetSmart at 6:58 a.m. JJ went to get us starbucks and i wrestled the screeching feline into the store. it's a really good thing she doesn't have front claws--otherwise i'd have no face. i walked into the grooming salon and set my pet on the counter "one check-in please," i said jokingly. angry teen with impressive mustache (JJ could learn a thing or two about facial hair from him) glared at me and said, "who is this?" i said "Chanel Hansen" and he said, "rabies certificate please." ..................MOTHERFUDGER I FORGOT IT. so i said, "ooooh can i call my vet and have them fax it over?" teen said yes. so i called my ollllld favorite pal The Sultan to retrieve Chanel's rabies info. only Chanel's rabies info from The Sultan expired two months ago. OMG WTF. so i sort of panicked and smiled sheepishly at the angry teen and said, "oh, i uh...well i will go home and get her rabies certificate and bring it back in." and the angry teen said, "well you can't leave her here WITHOUT the proof of rabies vaccination." jlasdfjlasdfjlas; so i grabbed Chanel and we hurdled out the door to the car.

i called my mom like 7 times. she didn't answer. i was hoping she had updated Chanel's vaccinations during her stint in their house. i couldn't bear to think of the alternative (i.e. Old Yeller)...finally i called my sister M and asked her who the Graf Family Vet was. she told me and i called them and asked about Chanel. LUCK! they had her updated records and "of course they can fax her records!" by this time JJ and i were back at home and it's 7:30 and i'm throwing on a dress and makeup on my face and dashing out the door with a cat under my arm. and we drove back to PetSmart. i ran in and asked the angry teen if he had gotten the fax: "oh....uhhhhhhh. no. the fax machine is unplugged and turned off." OMFG ARE YOU KIDDING ME TEEN?!?!?!?! "can you PLEASE turn it on and i'll call the vet to have the information resent." so he sauntered over to the machine (which his untied shoelaces) and pushed the 'on' button. so i called the vet again. they sent the rabies certificate for the second time. the fax slowly came out...a blank page with the vet's logo on the top. GONNA LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so angry teen said, "oh, looks like it didn't work. hmm, will you just give me the number of the vet so i can call and confirm over the phone?" ARE. YOU. EFFING. KIDDING. ME. the WHOLE TIME i could have just CALLED UP THE VET and gotten VERBAL CONFIRMATION of Chanel's RABIES VACCINATION!?!?!??! at this point i am exhausted from the morning's antics. so i threw Chanel in his arms and ran to my car and arrived to work 10 minutes late. with gray cat hair in my throat, nose and eyes. and my black dress was covered in cat hair.

OH YEAH AND MY DRESS WAS ALL THE WAY UNZIPPED. LIKE I LITERALLY WASN'T EVEN DRESSED. asldkfjlaskdjflkasdjflkdsj like, really!??! HOW could i have missed that? my whole back was out. and a MALE coworker noticed. and whispered the information of the indecent exposure to another woman who rushed to zip me up. i mean the whole thing was just so embarrassing i could die.

and it's all. Chanel's. fault. 

note the little pink bow in her hair. isn't she just a little lady?? she would NOT look at me when we got to the car. hahhahh...i absolutely dieeeee at the mini ugg boots she has. DIE!!!!!

i was so over the day by the time i picked her up at lunch that i got a giant ass burrito from Qdoba (which was located conveniently across the street from PetSmart). and after work, i was so anxious to just get home and get myself into sweatpants. and then JJ called to tell me he put his wallet on the top of his car at the gas station today and drove off and his wallet is now lost and gone forever. LIKE I SAID........all. Chanel's. fault.


  1. L, I love your blog! This post is just so hilarious! You're the best, thanks for making my Monday one notch brighter!

  2. I had a VERY similar experience at PetSmart Salon only my Vet was PetSmart Bainfield (10 steps away!) and they weren't open - and the lady didn't care. I had to drive all the way back home... let's just say my C's ended up a lot like Chanel - shaved and embarrassed!

  3. Walkman just sent us a card that said (in two parts): "Judy, I lost my wallet." "Goddam it Phil!" I know JJ can't inherit from your Papa, but there is a BAAAAD OMEN!


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