Monday, January 31, 2011

cookie (lollipop) monster

i made cookies on saturday night. chocolate chip from the bag. i made the dough in my kitchenaid, and while the first batch was in the oven i went into the bedroom to work on my Valentines. i went back into the kitchen when the timer went off. and pulled the delicious golden perfection cookies out. i smiled lovingly at them. then i scooped them off the baking sheet and onto a plate June Cleaver-style. then i grabbed the spoon to scoop new little balls of dough onto the baking sheet. as i went to grab my first scoop of dough, i noticed a shiny piece of pink in the dough. i inspected it closely. i took it out of the dough and stared at it. then, from the other room i heard a "crunch." i walked out into the family room and found JJ on the couch watching sports and eating a lollipop.

no.
no, this is not my real life.

OH BUT IT IS!!!!!

"JJ, did you sneak into the kitchen and eat some cookie dough?"

"yeah, he he he, it was so good!"

"JJ, by any chance, did you dip your lollipop IN the cookie dough"

"...uh. well, yeah."

asdkhjfkljsdflskuoiarjkdffkdls

just please.

Friday, January 28, 2011

great gig

HERE WE GO: i found a real winner of a job on craigslist:

We need six (6) female promo models for night club and bar promotions during the month of February. To apply send photo of your face and of your full body, clothed of course.

Must be over 21. If selected you will be chauffeured to local nightclubs, bars etc in the local area and distribute information to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Work time will be 4 hour per day 9pm to 1am Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.

This is a real job from a 21 year old local advertising agency - Dameron Communications, LLC . No phone calls please

Apply today!


just please. i hate job hunting.

i don't want it

alright, so i had a job interview today. the temp agency set it up for me. and i didn't tell you guys (LOL, i call you guys "you guys") because i was like "OK IF I DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE INTERVIEW AND THEN I DON'T GET THE JOB, I WON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF." so i just kept quiet about it. BUT then, the interview was just so....like, stupidly horrible that i just had to tell:

i walked in. (wearing michael kors wide leg linen slacks, a cap-sleeve white blouse and a knit brown vest. hair pulled nicely into a low pony. skull bracelet removed for interview.

and the receptionist was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and jeans. and had dusty fake sunflowers on her desk. and had a giant oriental fan hanging on the wall. and the building was dingy and had muck in the corners. and there weren't any decorations or decor (aside from the sunflowers and the fan). and half the desks were empty. then the lady came out to take me back and interview me. and she was wearing jeans and a crusty top and had a smoker's voice. and she had a scrunchie on her wrist. and this is how she described the job to me:

"high-stress, high-volume job, where you'll be on the phone and e-mailing most of the day. you will be dealing with conflict and angry customers on a daily basis, and you will be working with software that is very frustrating to use. oh, and the pay is $11.50/hr."

OH YES THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM SIGN ME UP

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

are you kidding me?!?!?!

i mean, i know beggars can't be choosers, but i. mean. COME. ON. that is absolutely NOT acceptable. at all. FUDGE to the NO i will not take that job.

and she said she had a bunch more people to interview. i absolutely do not want the job even though i acted like i did. i'm hoping that she won't hire me because i looked too....oh i don't know, REFINED and CLEAN to work there.

is it too much to ask for a $200/hr job where i type letters and get coffee for some fat CEO who gives me TJ Maxx giftcards for my birthday?!?!?!?!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

FUDGING BIKEEEEEEE

after 5 hours, two trips to Lowe's, one trip to The Home Depot, and one more trip to the local bike shop....

I GIVE THE FUDGE UP

I CAN'T BUILD MY FUDGING BIKE BY MYSELF



i'm taking both bikes to the local bike shop tmrw and i'm going to pay them to make everything work right.

when i built it:

-the front wheel WOULDN'T turn when i turned the handlebars
-the front fender was bumping into the frame
-the seat kept tilting forward
-just, the bike was ruining my life

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

O.M.F.G.

YOU GUYS:

OMFG
OMFG
OMFG

MY CHECK FROM GUIDEPOSTS MAGAZINE CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY! $600!

I AM A REAL, LIVE, PUBLISHED, PAID BAD ASS WRITER!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

MARCH 2011 EVERYONE. MARCH 2011. BUY A MILLION COPIES!!!!!

T BELL

did you guys hear about THIS ?????

note to the old people who read my blog: click on the word "THIS" to read corresponding article. thnx.

the "beef" in taco bell's food is only 30% beef. there's more beef in Cleo's dog food (also, i think i really am switching her to organic dog food, thoughts?)

so this is completely disgusting.

and it all happened yesterday.

where did we go to dinner last night, you ask?

TACO BELL!!!!

what is wrong with us that this horrible disgusting news story makes us crave the bell?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i guess it's OK because we sub rice and/or beans for all the meat. so we are Bell Vegetarians.

BUT STILL. WE ARE THERE LAST NIGHT. OMG BARF. WE ARE SO GROSS.

i will never stop eating there. srsly. it's my fave.

highlight: new sweatpants!

you guys.

i think i've been jipped by Gerald. he charged me an assful for my brakes. and my Dad said it was just too much. so he's going to call Gerald. yikes!

also, i built my pink bike yesterday! OMG OMG OMG! except two screws are missing, and i'm not talking about the the ones from Cleo's brain. TWO SCREWS! so i think i will have to hunker on down to the home depot. i hate that store. with my whole heart. just a giant warehouse filled with things i will never want. i just hate it. it's the worst kind of shopping ever.

i DID go shopping with my friend Doo today at The Vic. have i told you guys about The Vic? Victoria Gardens is what it's called. just a giant, wonderful shopping center filled with great things. LIKE, the new sweatpants i got from forevs. (fact: unemployed losers buy sweatpants, not work clothes) they are really soft and heather gray and have giant pink granny flowers on them. and i'm all snuggled up in them right now. i also found a $4.97 rack at JC Penny that blew my mind. got some good shiz. you should go check out YOUR local JC Penny mega sale rack. Rah went to the one in Spoke and it was a $2.97 rack! OMFG! and also i got a light pink and black ruffly girly shirt to wear for Valentine's Day from H&M. it's made of recycled polyester eeeee! how green i am!

i also got like an entire giant bag filled with sour strawberry banana belts. i just love them.

i have a headache. and i never ever ever get sick except for like once every 2 years. i think it's time. but i will eat an airborne and hopefully it will go away. i like eating airbornes, is that weird? easier than drinking the fizzy airborne water in my opinion.

now i am sitting in my new sweatpants listening to the Santa Ana winds. did you know that the winds makes JJ nauseous?? it's because when he was little the santa anas started that giant fire in CA. rmbr that?? anyway, the fires scared the shit out of him apparently so these winds make him feel like he's gonna barf. he's on his way to the king's game (sans wife) so i'm glad he's not barfy in the apartment. wait, is that rude? sorry JJ. well i like the winds. because they are soft and warm and make the palm trees blow and they swirl yummy flowery nature smells in the air. which sounds all earthy and shit--not usually like me...but really i like them. they are SO california.

also, my friend Brandilyn has been taking pictures of her outfits everyday and it's such a cute idea. i thought about it for a min then i rmbrd:

1. i wear sweatpants everyday. i put together stupid (yet creative) sweatpants/t-shirt combos daily. i just couldn't post those pictures. i would just look like an ass.

2. even though i enjoy fashion and partake in its ever-changing money-stealing scheme, mine is not a fashion blog. mine is a narcissistic humor blog, OK?!

i love you
bye

an LOLcat contribution by JJ

JJ had never contributed to my blog. (except for all the idiot things he does of course) but he found this LOLcat LIVE VIDEO:

LOLOLOL

click here

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

nice

so now it's back to the old cucamongross life where i sit and do nothing but look for jobs online and eat 8 dumdums for lunch. i actually got an interview....except i was in Spoke. i mean, c'mon. really with my terrible luck?? just CAN I GET A BREAK!?!?

this morning i took my car to Volvo to get it checked out (the brakes were a tad squeaky), and the guy's name was Gerald and he was nice enough. let me and Cleo sit in the waiting room and have a free pastry and read magazines. then he came back 2 hours later and showed me a bill for $2,500. THAT'S REAL. he was like "ok, you need new brakes and brake pads. and new tires and a new bumper.

my bumper falls off all the time. i hate my bumper. i always accidentally scrape it on that cement thing in parking spaces and it scratches the bottom. and then eventually falls off. so i always take it to Volvo and they plug it back in. but this time the guy was like "yeah, we can't fix it. you need a new bumper." and then i just wanted to cry because i mean, $2,500....OMFG COME ONNNNNNN. then Gerald was like, "are you OK?" and i was like "YEAH GERALD, I'M FINE, BUT I JUST HATE YOU. I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID TIE AND YOUR WHOLE SELF." and then i told him that i was just going to have to think about it.

then i sat down in the lobby again with a grumble and shoved my free pastry away from me and let the crumbs fall onto the ground without even caring. and also i had a little bit of tears on the cusp of my eye. i was just contemplating letting Cleo outside to poo on their lawn and NOT pick it up, when this guy sat down next to me with a grumble too. he asked me about my car. and i told him and asked about his. and then he gave me the number to a wholesale parts place where they specialize in Volvos, and how it's a lot cheaper there. how nice! his name was Chad, and i shook his hand and thanked him and wished him good luck with his Volvo.

so, even though i am still unemployed and have a bumper to replace, it's nice to know that there are kind and decent people in the world.

little tokyo

last night JJ took me on a date. to Little Tokyo then to the King's game.

JJ said he wanted to take me out to sushi. which i already don't really like. but he said he had a surprise store he wanted to take me to, so i obliged.

so we got to the sushi place. and it was one of those placed where they literally don't cook anything. it's all just raw. vomit. and there aren't tables. just a counter top all around the sushi chefs, so i was bumping elbows all night with a geek talking about how he wanted to be a spy. but it was authentic and cool, and JJ was completely thrilled.

we sat down and this lady in a kimono brought me a wet, rolled up wash cloth. i just stared at it. JJ was like "L, it's a hot towel!" and i was like "what? why?" and he said, "oh stop it, just unroll it and wipe your hands with it." so i did. except it was SO HOT I PRACTICALLY BURNED MYSELF. then the lady brought a tray with green playdough and shaved meat. which i know is really wasabi and ginger. but still. it's weird. so i just copied JJ and put a little bit of wasabi in my soy sauce and swished it around. i have eaten at sushi places a few times before, but i feel like it's weird. and there are no first-time sushi-ers in LA i swear!! everyone is all like "oh yes, may i have more ginger please?" and they all know what to do with the hot towel. and they know what to order. and they're all bff with the sushi chef. and so i really felt like a giant ass. i was so awkward with my sushi. i put the plate on my tray when everyone else left their plate on the ledge. like, how does everyone just KNOW that??

i obviously ordered a vegetable roll. but JJ was all adventurous and ordered raw salmon and raw halibut and shit. and the guy next to JJ ordered a shrimp head. OMFG SICK.

and there weren't forks like at the sushi places in Spoke. just chopsticks. and i don't know how to use chopsticks. so i ended up just jabbing at the sushi with one chopstick and moving it really fast up to my mouth so i didn't drop it. and i tried to take a bite of the sushi, which apparently is not acceptable because it all fell apart and fell onto my lap. and it's not like i could scoop up the droppings because I DIDN'T HAVE A FORK OMG so JJ laughed at me and told me i had to eat the whole sushi in one bite. which was just too big of a bite. i felt like a hog.

afterward JJ surprised me and took me to a big ol hello kitty store! but we were late to the King's game, so i didn't really have time to look or buy anything. but we are going to go back to Little Tokyo so that i can become a sushi natural and so that i can buy a GOD DAMN HELLO KITTY FORK at the GOD DAMN hello kitty store to keep in my GOD DAMN purse to eat GOD DAMN sushi with.

so i am not a sushi natural, and i will never ever in life try raw fish. i will stick to veggie rolls or possibly california rolls.

bloody nips

JJ has an awkward problem. and i'm only telling you because you're all going to just giggle only a little bit then send me some advice.

so here is the problem:

JJ likes to run every morning. i mean, he gets up at 6 and runs BEFORE work. how awful and tiring does that sound? but he gets nipple chaffage. i know that may be a little TMI, but it's a serious problem. he bleeds from the nipples and i'm like "OMG JJ YOU ARE NOT AN OVER-MILKED DAIRY COW WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!?" i make him rub neosporin on the nips, and it seems to help, but he still bleeds!

enough was enough when he got nipple blood on the brand new crisp blue lace-scalloped sedge sheets we got for Christmas, and also one of his dress shirts.

the nipple bleeding has got to stop! i suggested that he tape cotton balls on his nipples like Andy on The Office episode where Michael puts on a fun run. i even have the t-shirt that they all wear. i got it in NY at the NBC store. you know the one?? it says, "Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure"

anyway, JJ said no to the cotton-balls-on-nipples thing, so i am at a complete loss. HELP!

hiatus SORRY

first things first:

this weeks' poll may be my most important poll EVER. i mean, it's an imperative question that i think is all i need to know about a person in order for me to judge their life.

so does the question make sense? to clarify, there are two ways to handle your toilet paper when you wipe. the first is to fold it neatly before wiping. the second is the bunch it up in a ball before meeting it to your delicate bum. so which are you? VOTE VOTE VOTE THIS IS OF HIGH IMPORTANCE. thnx.

ok so back to business. i didn't blog for a long time because i was in Spokane. working. I KNOW. WORKING. my old boss and friend CP went to Vegas with her husband and i watched the kididdles. and i went a week early because i wanted to hang out with Rah and Sabby and work some more. so i did! and i made some money! hurrah for L! it was such a fun time filled with highs (jersey shore and wine with Rah, Chuck E. Cheese with Sabby and all the kids, when S told me i had a great haircut) and lows (when CP's dog had anal leakage all over their white couch so i had to strip it and bleach it. and put the dog in one of Baby P's diapers LOL, when M said, "L, i'm going to miss you so much when you leave again wahhhhh almost brought me to tears) and Spokane was, as it always is in Janurary, frightfully frigid and icy. i even slipped and fell on my ass once for old times sake.

it's so weird being in Spoke. because it feels like home...except it's not. and i thought i would be bored with a lot of down time while Rah and Nebular were at work, but i ended up being just as busy! it was great. and i also didn't take any pictures of humans. only of the dogs. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!? I NEED TO DOCUMENT MY LIFE BETTER!!! but dog pics are hilar:



that would be Frank, Rah's 348-pound pomapoo, who was supposed to be a lap dog.



and Benjamin Pierre the terrorist. just look at him, planning Rah's demise.



and little sleeping Cleopatra. who is still wiped out from her week with Rah's dogs and being squeezed by Baby P until her eyeballs popped out.

i came home Sunday night and got in at 9:30. JJ was there to pick me up and i declared upon entering the apartments, "I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BRUSH MY TEETH THAT IS HOW TIRED I AM" and i fell into bed wearing a sweatshirt and underwear (which is a completely ridiculous and awkward sleepwear choice) and PTFO.

home sweet home.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

it's never too late for a christmas laugh

alright, i know this is old and all Christmas-y, but i just remembered i had it and it's so funny because i have a mustache and beard. hahahahaha and i love it. Rah found this at arbormist.com of ALL places (who of you didn't drink arbor mist in college?!?! DON'T LIE!):

bears

LOL: thanks Dad:

kisses

there's a new internet dating commercial that's on the air now and it says something like "the average person has 28 first kisses in their lifetime..."

well, last night JJ and i were in bed watching the biggest loser when that commercial came on. and after it threw that statistic in our faces we just went kind of silent. i mean, 28 TWENTY-EIGHT first kisses?!?! like, that's a lot. omg. so many. i'm not even near 28 first kisses in my life and i'm already married. 28! THAT'S UNREAL! i was thinking all of this in my head when JJ said, "wow, that's kind of a lot." and i said, "I KNOW, RIGHT?!?! WE WILL NEVER HAVE 28 FIRST KISSES!" so then we kissed 29 times to make up for it. but we both got a little bored around kiss 14. but we finished anyway. that's ok. so i will never live up to the online dating people, with 28+ first kisses...but 29 in a row with my husband is quite alright with me. he he

ikea

the good news is, Doo and i went to ikea after the temp agency. i originally wanted to buy the armoire that JJ's parents gave us money to buy (for xmas), but i couldn't find it! argh. so then i decided to go look for white couch covers for the flower couch. and online they weren't available but said they cost $100. in store i looked it up and they cost $50. great! so i found one. then i also got an orchid. and a scrubby brush for my kitchen. and some artwork. and a vase. and some candles. and for some reason i lost the vase. i have a suspicion that i left it on top of my car and drove away and it shattered on the ground behind me.

and Doo got just a kitchen scrubby brush for .99 cents.

i mean, i think, maybe, i have a shopping problem?? ghodddd.

so ikea has self-check-out now. and when i rang up the white couch cover and....it said $11. ELEVEN DOLLARS! and the orchid was $12.99. the orchid was more than the couch cover. hahahahha. i was about to shout out in happiness, then Doo made a face like to shut the hell up...you know, in case it was a mistake. so basically i got 90% off.

and got a whole new look for the living room. FINALLY, A COHESIVE LOOK:



isn't it nice? i'm kind of sad about no more flower couch. it's an end of an era. sigh. and doesn't the room look a little "boy-ish" now?!?!? my only pink is the chair and the flowers on the fireplace. OMG!

oh, and here is our artwork: i'm obsessed: JJ's obsessed: and it's PICASSO! well, sort of: Picasso for ikea. for $39.99:

temp. insane--oops i mean temp. agency

first things first: i get to have a pity party on my own blog. so look to your right at my new poll. and just vote yes to make me feel better. because today i spent my afternoon watching poorly made abcfamily movies, OK!?!? and Cleo is having one of her asthma problems. and also i made spaghetti sauce. GOLD STAR!

remember how i bought those fake lemons for the bowl? well i had them out for a few days and decided i hate them. i. hate. them. so i took them out. and added more things to the table instead. but the thing is, now i have 16 fake lemons that i have no idea what to do with.

yesterday i went to a temp agency with my friend Doo who is also looking for a job. i gussied up and even curled my hair (!!!) and looked tres professional chic. then i got there and had to have an "interview" with THE most awkward person on the planet. first of all, the place is run by a brit and her twin sons. and both sons were wearing blue shirts. so i kept getting them mixed up. like, come on, call each other in the morning and tell the other what you are wearing, ghoddddd. so this guy was so awkward. and i couldn't even have a conversation with him. so i just sat there answering whatever weird thing he would ask me, "i.e. i see you were a nanny?" me: "well, yes! the experience was wonderful, but i don't think i want to be a caretaker again unless it's with my own children. that job prepared me for my future!" and he said, "so is that what you want to do someday? my wife was a nanny and now we have a son." me: "er, well, yes, i want to be a mom someday. but, er, not a nanny again." awkward silence.

so then he tells me to come back in an hour and take some excel and word and typing tests. and i met Doo outside. she said, "WOW! i think i might already have an interview?" and i said, "really? so you got the good twin? because my twin sucked ass and started asking me about motherhood." and she said, "let's get lunch." i learned that Doo has a very fancy resume filled with fancy, high-paying marketing jobs and such, while my resume has: receptionist, nanny, public relations intern, daycare worker, abercrombie & fitch, and coca-cola. it's quite the line-up. so we went back to take the tests. and i found out that i type 78 words per minute and i felt very surprised and proud with this result and puffed my chest out a bit.

after the tests, they told us that they would contact us if anything arose. and that they prayed God would lead us to our job.

well, basically, the bottom line is that it's 5:11 p.m. the day after my temp agency excursion and i'm still jobless. mother. fudger.

Friday, January 7, 2011

i pied

here is my pie:



it leaked.

but that's OK because my Mom said it looks more homemade that way.

AND IT SMELLS GOOD! SO GOOD! I'M SO PROUD OF MY PIEEEEEEEEEEEEE PIE PIE PIE PIEEEEEE

russell brand-esque day

i, LEGH, am making a pie. literally, it's in the oven RIGHT NOW. and it's berry flavored. (straw, blue, black and rasp) and i added extra sugar. it's going to be delectable! it's for "Little Christmas" which is with JJ's family. we didn't get to see them for the holiday so we are celebrating tomorrow! (BIKE BIKE BIKE, OH PLZ OH PLZ) and i'm going to walk triumphantly through the door, carrying that damn pie! it even smells delish.

today i went to get pie ingredients. at target. AT LEAST WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A TARGET.

O
M
F
G

IT WAS A SUPER TARGET! and it was like i had died and GONE TO HEAVEN. groceries galore! i spent $83 dollars on food. alllll food. including these fake babies:



that bowl was filled with golden pears and red cherries (also fake) for Christmas. and when i put them away, the bowl looked so empty and sad. so i filled it with fake lemons instead. adds a nice little burst of color to the room. TRA LA! 20 extra points if you found Cleo and gave her a virtual snuggle.

anyway, back to SUPER TARGET OMG. seriously. the place is a GODSEND. it's amazing. SO MANY CHOICES. and archer farms is the best brand of food ever in life. i bought: hummus, spinach and artichoke dip, tamales, pizza, jalepeno poppers, and cheese OH THE CHEESE, BE STILL MY HEART! it was the most fun i've had in a long time. and it wasn't even that crowded. it was the best target ever. i was speechless with joy.

also, i dressed at Russell Brand today: bejeweled black short cowboy boots (that i purchased on Sunday because it was pouring rain and we were walking around, far from home and i was wearing unsuitable shoes. Rah bought new boots too), skinny jeans, a white tee, a black leather vest, and....to all of you L-Wears-Red-Lipstick-Haters, i sported rogue on my lips. and. i. looked. cool. like Mr. Brand Himself. in fact, i think if he had seen me today he might have wanted to dump Katy and ask me to be his forever. (NOT that i would have said yes. i mean, i'm a married woman. i'd probs have to think real hard about it, though).

here is what i looked like: sorry for the awk photos that i took of myself. but you can see that JJ and i got a new camera from my Grandparentals. it's quite chic:

RUSSELL BOOTS OMG!


well, obviously. a sunglasses pic = much more cool.


HOENSTLY! i think the red lipstick is totally working for me. JJ still hates it...


awk body shot. am i a total rockstar? duh.

glitterz be mine

well i did it. i found a 40% off coupon online and bought THE MARTHA GLITTER KIT!!!!!!!! kdjfjklsafdlaksj!!!!! it was only like $18 with the coupon. not a bad deal. and now i get to stare at the glitters, all lined up in a rainbow row and drool. my friend Doo and i just crafted the shit out of yesterday with those sparkles. except i got mad at her. OK, so you know when you use one glitter color and you're done, that you're SUPPOSED to pour all the remaining unused glitter back into the canister before starting in on another color?! WELL SHE DIDN'T DO THAT. so she had like a giant schmorgashboard of all the different colors all mixed up. forgiven since she's a new friend. if it had been an old friend to commit that crime, i would have shamed and scolded her, saying "YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW I LOVE THE GLITTERS, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I DON'T WANT THEM ALL MIXED UP TOGETHER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO INTO MY ROOM AND MESS UP MY PERFECTLY COLOR-COORDINATED CLOSET YOU SCOUNDREL."

but i told her it was OK. and it was. mostly.

on another note, my Ma sent us a package! something for everyone inside!

1. for JJ: his sweatshirt that he got for Christmas that he accidentally left in my Mom's car.
2. for L: my book that i accidentally left at home: "On Writing: a memoir of the craft" by Stephen King that Moon gave to me and that i love. it's the only non-scary book that he's written. it also has a little Asian man bookmark that my Mimi got me in Vietnam nestled between the pages. ALSO, a silver, crown-shaped bottle opener. THNX MA!
3. for Foxy Cleopatra:


OMFG COULD YOU DIE!?!?!?!? Cleo the Badass. except she hates sweaters. so she just sits like that with her tail down until i take it off then she runs around itching herself on the rug. what a weirdo.

also, JJ got a haircut. i'll drink to that! SALUT!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

thoughts and things

i woke up this morning and thought:

1. i need to go to the dentist. i just want my teeth to sparkle.

2. i am going to make my husband dinner tonight like a good little housewife.

3. i need to go to the post office.

4. pay rent.

5. i need to clean the leaves off the deck.

6. Christmas thank-you notes.

7. bye-bye Christmas decorations :'-(

8. HELLO NEW 2011 PURPLE PLANNER

9. laundry

10. i'm craving a kiwi.

and guess what!?!? ALL OF THOSE THINGS HAPPENED!!! well, except i'm not cooking dinner tonight. i just went to safeway--oh, excuse me, "von's" (i hatttttttttteeee that safeway is called von's in california) and bought soup and jalepeno bagels. i'll wear an apron and warm up the soup and put the bagels in the toaster. it COUNTS.

tmrw i have a girl date with my new friend Doo. she suggested a little winter clearance shopping and a MARTHA STEWART craft day! waaaa! i just want to roll around in Martha Stewart glitter and drink wine. i hope she's OK with that.



don't you just want to touch all of the glitters?!?!?!?!? AHHHH!!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

DISNEYLANDDDD!!!

on Sunday we went to the clipper's basketball game because DJ works for them. it was fun! Rah and i gossiped and giggled until it was over. then we went and bought boots because it was freezing and raining. Rah bought over-the-knees and i bought short rhinestoned cowboy boots that we agreed look like something Russel Brand would wear (500 extra points for me) then met up with Nebular's dad. who. works. for. Disney.

and he took us to THE COMPANY D STORE. which is a Disney Cast Member's Only warehouse with LOADS of Disney gear 70% off! i got the most adorable shirt that is Minnie Mouse's head with little fluffy flowers all over her bow. Nebular actually picked it out. and i'm obsessed! i also got a t-shirt that says "Queen of Hearts" and an old-school Mickey tee for my Dad. JJ didn't want anything. you see, when you are from California, i think the allure of Disney and its magic is dimmed. not his fault. i tried to force him into a Mickey dress shirt, but he wouldn't have it. harumph. Rah got a t-shirt with teacups stacked that says "drink me" (nod to Alice in Wonderland) and Nebular got like 800 Mickey things. here we are the next day in DLand at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride wearing our Disney Garb:



then we went to Downtown Disney to eat at Tortilla Joe's which is my favoriteeee! then Nebular's dad took us to a few of his favorite stores where he gets 40% off everything! and i found this and wanted it SO BAD:



isn't it AWESOME!??! I'M OBSESSED WITH IT AND I WANT TO HANG IT BY MY VANITY. but JJ wouldn't let me buy it. wahhhhhh.

then we headed home for the night.

the next day we DISNEYLANDED!!!! and it was amazing. we had a blast. BLAST! it was cold, but wasn't raining. and we went on every single ride i wanted to go on. lucky!!! everyone hated me when i forced them onto Splash Moutain. Rah and i got water inside of our rainboots and JJ's whole right side was soaked. he eventually took his sock off and threw it away. hahahahaaha.

here is a lil montage for you:

California Screamin' (a little blurry from the morning rain):



Tower of Terror (how terrified am i????):



Splash Mountain (everyone hates me and Rah is the headless horseman):



Space Mountain (with the happiest Asian you have ever seen in life):

Vegas or Bust: Bust.

vegas.

ok vegas is just not my scene. i'm an old lady. i like to go to bed at a reasonable hour and i don't like "clubbing." but i thought since it was NYE and our pals wanted to go to vegas, then...well, why not?

so we drove to vegas. which is only about 3 hours away. and we stayed in a hotel.

and Cleo came with us because we had no where else to leave her. yes, Cleo came to vegas. and pooped in the hotel room. hoorah.

Rah and i went to Margaritaville where we got margaritas and literally the biggest nachos of our entire lives. it was like a whole bag of chips. and we didn't even get close to finishing. when the waiter was about to take the nachos away, the two guys sitting next to us at the bar said, "WE'LL TAKE YOUR LEFTOVER NACHOS!" and they did. what?? so weirdddd. last time i was at Margaritaville, a drunk homeless person sat down at the bar and started talking to me.

after margaritas we did a teensy bit of shopping, then headed back to the hotel.

Nebular's brother DJ and his gf A had arrived by the time we got back. while the girls gussied up in their sequins, the boys watched basketball. i wore: an adorable velour and sequins romper with polka-dot tights and my ruffle high heels and a holiday bun. complete with black sparkle nails.

then we had a little vodka and a little juice. then we went to Cesar's to watch the GU basketball game. then we walked around to try and find a restaurant to eat at for dinner. but obviously since it was NYE the wait was about 46 hours at each place. so then i got real grumpy because i was hungry. and so did Rah. and then my feet started to hurt. and so did Rah's. and then i just got tired and wanted to go to bed. and so did Rah.

so back to the hotel we went. heels off, flats on, tired, grumpy, and TOTALLY OVER VEGAS at 10:30 p.m.




and Cleo was in the hotel room waiting for us. 4 humans and a dog PTFO by 10:45 in a Vegas hotel room. party. animals.

we slept through the fireworks.

DJ and A were 160% cooler than us and decided to stay out.

----

the next morning we went to continental breakfast where i ate a pear. then i had to use the potty. and so did JJ. but the men's restroom in the lobby had one occupied toilet. so JJ and i shat right next to each other in the girl's bathroom. how lovely.

then JJ and i met up with Moon, who was home in Vegas for Christmas, at Blueberry Hill for grilled cheese! it was wonderful to see her. and i also met her new friend Vintage Chanel Chainlink Bag that she bought all by herself. (!!!)

the funny thing is, we will all be back in Vegas for WCC in March. maybe we will be able to stay up until 11 p.m. this time. maybe.

Rah & Neb Christmas!

the good thing about coming back to the Cucamongross is that THE NEXT DAY Rah and Nebular were going to be here. HEREEEEE!!!

and so i tried to clean the best i could to prepare for their arrival. i did 368 loads of laundry and JJ vacuumed. good enough.

on the 30th, JJ and i met up with Rah and Nebular and we had a giant, loud reunion in the parking lot of an Outdoor World. then we hopped in the car and made a pit stop at taco bell before heading out to do a lil shopping. whereinwhich Nebular bought a very questionable outfit at H&M. you might have thought he wasn't married to a woman. we had quite a giggle.

the boys had tickets to the King's game that night so Rah and i were going to bounce about LA for the evening, until we decided a wine crawl through apartment 192 in our sweat pants sounded much more enticing. we watched Easy A and Breakfast at Tiffany's, ate popcorn and tamales, and worked our way through 2 bottles. THE MOST PERFECT NIGHT EVER. then the boys got home and we had Christmas. i got an electronic wine bottle opener (OMG alcoholic much?), sanuks! (Rah, Nebular and JJ all have a pair, and i always felt left out, not anymoreeee!), an "L" mug and a lovely little book. it was really fun.

the next morning we left the house at 8 a.m. to drive to vegas...

a stroke of fate. not for me, i had a stroke of horrid luck...the fate was for my parents.

the 29th.

was
a
sad
day.

because we had to go home. first of all, M woke me up at 7 and forced me to go to Yoga. c'mon, i haven't worked out since we moved, so i thought i was going to die just walking up the stairs to get into the gym. i literally rolled out of bed in the same shirt i wore the night before and threw on a bra and yoga pants and THIS SWEATSHIRT:



my Dad bought us all this sweatshirt. it's a blinged-out SHS Viking. which is the high school mascot. and as much as we all loved to hate it, we are all obsessed with the damn thing. we all wore the sweatshirt all weekend, it was hilar. and now i know you wish you had one too.

after i died in yoga, we went home and JJ and i started packing. bulghhhh so. much. SHIT. omg. it was a miracle we fit everything into the 4 suitcases we brought home. unreal. the things you accumulate on vacation--especially on a Christmas vacation. it's UNREAL.

so about 10 minutes before we left to go to the airport (which meant that we stopped at King's Row on the WAY to the airport where i made the worst mistake of my life and ordered a chocolate milkshake), i realized that i was supposed to clean Chanel's litterbox in my parents' bathroom. FUDGE. i wanted my Mommy to be proud that i remembered to do it. so i ran back to their bathroom. and. stepped. in. dog. shit. CLEO'S DOG SHIT TO BE EXACT. she had dubbed my parents' bathroom as "Poo Place" since they left on their PRIVATE JET. and i was wearing uggs. so i had bits of dog poo stuck in the traction crevasses of my boot. i cursed and dramatically threw my boot down the hallway. then i bare-hand grabbed Chanel's litter box, went outside, and threw the litter and pee and poo off the cliff. then i stomped (one boot on, one boot still laying in hall) to the bathroom and threw the litterbox in the shower and turned the water on full-blast hot. then i screamed at M to get me a toothpick to pick the dog poo out of my boot. and when she opened the cupboard to get me a toothpick, out fell the tickets to the HOLIDAY BOWL GAME that my parents forgot at home. so JJ called the ticket office and they reprinted the tickets and had them at will call for my idiot parents.

so, in a weird way, it was fate that i rmbrd to clean Chanel's litterbox and stepped in dog poop.

anyway, the litterbox and my boot were squeaky clean within 12 minutes and we were on our way to king's row then the airport.

and i cried when the plane took off.

Christmas contd.

so when we woke up and thought that Christmas was over, we realized that it wasn't!

because my Mom's family was driving over to spend the day with us and she set out a cheese platter that practically stopped my heart. it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen.

then my sister CA and i had a guacamole making contest and, well, i want to say that i won, but we tied.

and Dad also got a Cougar Gold cheese wheel for Christmas that i ate 3/4 of that was DELICIOUS.

then everyone came to our house and brought their dogs (and my Mom's cousin got a new dog--an actual small one, perfect size for Cleo and they had a ball romping around) and we played games and ate cheese and let the dogs play outside in the snow, and ate cheese and played games and it was great. then we went to go see "The Fighter" and OMG AMY ADAMS IS SUCH A GOOD ACTRESS! she was trashy and chubby and brilliant.

then on the 27th my fam went to EL CAP for lunch yummmm. then me, JJ and CA went over to Seattle. CA went to our cousin's house and JJ went to visit his friend Chunkles and i went to visit the Fab5. KKiss and i met up for a drink then we all went to LJ's to exchange gifts and then we went to Pink Door for dinner where there was a shell in my seafood risotto and i ate it and the we saw the trapeze artist's hoo-hah and had a blast chatting and catching up.

then we went back to LJ's. and JJ picked me up. and we went to pick CA up. AND THE PASS WAS CLOSED OMG BRUTALLLLL so we hung around on the couch until it was open again and then we drove home and it took ages and poor JJ had to drive and was tired. so he grabbed coffee and a McChicken to-go to stay awake.

then on the 28th my parents and sisters MM and CA LEFT US BEHIND AND WENT ON A PRIVATE JET TO SAN DIEGO FOR THE HOLIDAY BOWL HOW'S LIFE!??!?! minus the holiday bowl part because i hate nothing more than sports. then it was just M, Me and JJ. so JJ dingled around while M and i went to TJ Maxx and bought wonderful things (DUH!) and then we got home and charged a movie from DirecTV cinema to my parents' account (he he). we watched "THE TOWN" great movie! we were totally nervs the whole time.

then we went to my cousin Brett's house to have dinner with him and his gf Kourtney. DELISH! and they love red wine as much as me, so it was great. then we got home and slept.

sigh. told you i was busy. that might have been a boring post, but i wanted to document it. alksdflfaks; eee!

Christmas 2010

Christmas Eve was great. we lazed and ate. we decided to watch Christmas Vacation so we opened the DVD case and the disc wasn't there. TYPICAL. so JJ and i ventured to Targs on the craziest, busy day of the year and bought a new copy. then when we got home we decided to play Balderdash instead because that's the best game ever. then we fondue'd for dinner (AND I MADE CHEESE FONDUE ALL BY MYSELFFFFFF!!!) and it was delicious but was a little heavy on the worsterchesterershires sauce. then we went to church then got home and opened our matching Christmas jammies. and Mom talked us into sleeping in our own beds. first time since childhood that we all haven't slept under the tree.

then Cleo arose at 5:30 a.m. with Christmas Diarrhea. OF COURSE. and when i tried to go back to sleep, i couldn't because i was too thrilled. because i wanted to know what Santa brought me. so i layed in bed for about 30 minutes until i jumped around the house screaming and waking everyone up. then everyone yelled at me to shut up and that i was annoying. so i got mad. they were a bunch of RUDE-olphs if you ask me.

anyway, we opened stockings and then me and my Mom went into the kitchen to make Christmas Pull-Aparts which are like the most delicious things in the world. they are rhodes dinner rolls with butterscotch pudding mix, pecans, brown sugar and butter all over them. we prepared them and left them in the kitchen to rise before we baked them. WELL, WHEN WE WENT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN THE ROLLS WERE GONE. JUST GONE FORM THE BUNDT PAN.

then we heard a burp. my sister M's dog Hank was sitting there. he had eaten 24 raw dough rolls covered in butter and sugar and nuts. dskfjlajksdflkfjd HANK RUINED CHRISTMAS i proclaimed. but everyone just felt bad for the dog. no one cared that he had eaten the best part about Christmas.

about a half hour later JJ went into the TV room where he came across Something Interesting. he said it looked like a pillow, so he touched it. in fact it was the Christmas Pull-Aparts that had risen in Hank's stomach and then had been barfed out onto the couch.

then a couple hours later Dad and i took the dogs out to potty and Hank had badddd rrhea. and as he was hunched over, trying to poo, he pace-planted into the snow. when he was finished he ran right into the garage door. M googled the effects of eating an entire bag of raw dough rolls and "fermenting yeast" and "alcohol poisoning" came up. Hank was piss drunk, stumbling and running into things, puking and diarrhea-ridden. it was absolutely hilar but also scary. so he had to be rushed to the emergency vet and had to have a bag of fluid attached to his back to balance out the alcohol in his bloodstream.

then we went to U Bud and A Nancy's for Christmas dinner and presents and games. usually we play catchphrase. but this time we played madgab. and i hated it. I HATE THAT GAME. i think it's one of those things where either your brain knows it or it doesn't. here is an example:

Annie Weigh Oo One Tit

you have to say it over and over until you realize what it really is.

try it.

....

ok the answer is "any way you want it"

HARD RIGHT?!?!

throw in a case of bud light and you have yourself a VERY CHALLENGING GAME.

we opened presents and my cousin got my a Betsey Johnson negligee and it was so awkward opening it in front of my whole family. then JJ got extremely awkward and said, "oh yeah! that's nice!" and i just wanted to die. OMG!

oh and we also got a fancy camera from Grandma and Pappy. like a real one. that is big and the flash pops up when you take a picture. and it has a video camera built in. tres cool.

then we went home and slept and woke up the next morning and Christmas was over. wahhhhh



classy L, CLASSY!
(that's my cousin's husband in the background)

flying with dog

on December 23 we arose at 4 a.m. the three of us got dressed and grabbed our suitcases and headed out into the darkness at the devil's hour. and waited for the taxi. AND HE WAS 34 MINUTES LATE OMG. when we got to the airport it was complete madness! everyone trying to GTFOO Rancho Cucamongross and off to wonderful places like Washington.

but everything went great and Cleo was more popular than the babies int he airport. everyone was ob-SESSED with her. and she traveled wonderfully!

...except when we got on the tiny plane from Seattle to Yakima. we unzipped her little carrier so she could rest happily under the seat, like so:



and then JJ and i both closed our eyes to catch some zzz's on the 30 minute flight. the flight attendant was explaining where the exits are and how to buckle yourself (just completely useless. if we crash, we're all dead. a seatbelt is not saving ANYONE OMG!) when we heard her say, "OH! AND WE HAVE A LITTLE DOGGIE..." JJ and i bolted straight up and sure enough, there was Cleo, trotting down the aisle like a show pony licking everyone's hands and flirting with the rich men.

JJ had aisle seat so he chased her down and we put her back in the carrier. it was quite hilar but we were totally embarrassed. when we got home my Dad was there to pick us up and Cleo has her first pee in the snow. then we went home and i body slammed Chanel and smothered her with kisses.

AND THEN IT WAS THRILLING BECAUSE THE TRUE CHRISTMAS SEASON BEGAN TRA LALAAAAA

january depression has set in

friends and foes OMG sorry i'm just too popular and cool to have been blogging through the holiday rush.

we have been going 100 miles/minute since December 23, and we are still not totally finished with Christmas. this weekend we are going to JJ's parents to celebrate. i'm 7 and asked for a bike and rainboots. fingers crossed!

so now i'm laying in bed because i don't feel good. obviously i would be laying in bed even if i felt great, but still. "i'm resting."

and now it's back to the job hunt (harumph) i hate Janurary. and January job hunting just sounds about as fun as going to the gyno. bulghhh

the apartment is about as messy as Oscar the Grouch's garbage can. srsly. just shit everywhere. in fact, i just polished off a bag of skittles and just threw the wrapper on the ground and didn't even care.

and JJ is at work and i miss him. i'm used to having him around all day everyday and now he's gone and i'm sad. and my throat hurts. and i'm broke. and i have to take down the Christmas decorations. and there aren't anymore Christmas commercials on TV. but i guess i will tell all of the things that happened throughout Christmas and NYE. here we go.
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