Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Glucola Hell





yesterday was the dreaded glucose test day. when i had to chug a bottle of flat 7up with 400x the sugar in 5 minutes. then a twitchy, sugar-high drive to the doctor to have the immense displeasure of getting my precious blood stolen straight from my veins. 

let me tell you. the Glucola is the grossest shit ever. like, EVER. i almost threw up. it was worse than in college, drinking monarch vodka out of a las vegas shot glass in front of the boy you like while wearing a black sequins halter top from wet seal. honestly. i sat on my bed yesterday morning at exactly 10:15 a.m. with my bottle of chilled Glucola. i turned up the volume on KLG and Hoda and gave myself a pep talk. then i drank. i drank and i drank and it felt like i was drinking an entire lake of Glucola but when i looked at the bottle, it was like i only had a sip. and the 5 minutes went by so incredibly fast. so in the last minute i had to chug 3/4 of the bottle. so i held my breath and plugged my nose and downed it. and it was gone. and my throat, which was coated in sugar and hate, burned and burned. i gasped for air and drank some water, but the burning lingered. then i made myself a cheese, mayo, mustard and sweet pickle sandwich. only i couldn't eat it. not until they stuck a needle in my arm. it was the worst.

and i know i've mentioned this before, but i have this weird thing where i cannot bend my arm for like 2 hours after i get my blood taken. i have to keep it stick straight until i forget about it and bend it on accident. nothing is more disgusting than picturing the crook of my arm all bruised and bloody and sore, so i just avoid bending it for as long as possible. so JJ kindly carried my purse and my free breastfeeding kit to the car while i walked like a zombie with my arm straight out. (when we lived in Spoke, JJ would take me to get my blood taken and afterward, he would always ((i have had low iron issues for a long time and am no stranger to the blood stealing)) carry my purse and take me to Qdoba as a treat. it was the best). yesterday we got to the car and i snarfled my sandwich. then it was over. top 10 least desirable experiences in my life. and this includes the time i shat my pants at nordstrom rack and had to throw away my underwear in the bathroom of the barnes and noble. 

7 comments:

  1. Hahahahhahaa. Oh honey. Sorry, not laughing AT you, just laughing cause your story telling is soo HILARIOUS! Glad you got it down and it's over now. :)

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  2. Yep, grossest shit ever. UNTIL you have to do the follow-up 3 HOUR test where you have to drink like 3 of those disgusting little bottles. And it's even worse when they say to you, "Oh sorry, we're out of the fruit punch flavor. You have to drink ORANGE." GROOOOOOOSSSSS! But you won't have to do the 3 hour test because you're a Hansen by marriage and not DNA so you won't get gestational diabetes like the rest of us. :)

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  3. The orange drink is better then the lemon, if that is possible... haha

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  4. I love the stuff you come out with, and I'm (oddly) enjoying hearing about all of your toileting misshaps. It seems to be a recurring theme lately but I love it!! X

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  5. Hahahahaha!!!! CRAP, I have my test to drink that stuff in like 2 weeks!!! I was hoping it wasn't as bad as I've heard, but you've definitely confirmed it! lol :D

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  6. Poor lace!!! I went through this miserable life experience day-before-yesterday, so i feel your pain! Grossssssss

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  7. You can decline the test and just agree to take your blood glucose readings for a few weeks, gals. That junk isn't very good for baby either...

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