Wednesday, March 7, 2012

HPFs

jeans: True Religion, tee: James Perse, heels: ASOS


looks like i'm liftin my leg to let out a fart in this pic.

probs because i really was.

let's talk Hot Pregnancy Farts.

seriously. 

o
m
g

cannot even help it. where do they come from?! they are the most rancid ass farts ever. i just blame the baby. because what else can you do? JJ has gotten so fed up. he brought a candle into the bedroom so at night when we're laying in bed hanging out, he can actually breathe. 

my family and friends and a few unfortunate souls in Target have been bombed by these nasty, nose-hair burning Hot Pregnancy Farts, and actually i feel quite bad about them. now, i'm not one to normally feel this way. i've had many a laugh from planned fart assassinations, but these HPFs are SO horrific that i truly feel guilty when i accidentally attack an unexpected patron. and the thing is, just like your favorite hair product, a little goes a long way with these ones. all that's needed is the tiniest squeak of air for a room to be ruined for the next hour. it's utterly amazing how one teaspoon of the toxic gas slowly spreads it's green fumes to fill every nook and cranny. 

that being said, my most embarrassing HPF story (thus far) happened this morning:

today i had to go to court. i know, i know--such a regular smooth criminal i am. i got pulled over for expired tabs and then of COURSE i didn't have my insurance card with me. so i got an $800 ticket. which i'm obviously not paying. so i cried and whined and stamped my foot and demanded a contested hearing. i don't like going to court because it reminds me of that one time i got an MIP in college. but that's neither here nor there. i got there and sat down behind two attorneys in cheap suits and they struck up a conversation. it was silent in the courtroom so obviously i listened to their every word. one of them said today was his wife's due date for their second child and how he's very nervous because her first labor was extremely difficult and painful. then he started telling the WHOLE STORY of the difficult labor from the very beginning. which made me want to puke. incidentally, i started feeling completely nauseous. like vomm/pass out/sweaty nauseous. then the judge came in and i straightened up and channeled my inner Alicia Florrick, but i still felt so so SO bad. so i put my head between my legs. didn't help. so i had to literally lay down on the bench. in court. a good 5 minutes or so passed when i felt a rumble in my tum. ohgodno PLEASE. not HERE. NOT HERE IN COURT. but alas, it was coming. a HPF to knock out these fellow traffic violators, the judge and the burlington coat factory-clad attorneys all in one foul, foul swoop. 

i had to do it. i had to release it from the dark deep depths between my crack. and so i did. i let the smallest bit of rancid air out. and instantly i felt myself come back to life. i sat up, wiped the sweat from my brow and tried to look as professional as possible after having spent the past 5 minutes laying like a homeless person on the bench. i was embarrassed, and afraid that i wouldn't be taken seriously by the judge about my absurd traffic ticket. and then there was the HPF to deal with. i tried to trap it beneath me. twas a feeble attempt. it completely engulfed me and literally took my breath away. i then saw it creep toward the attorneys and into their noses. i was so ashamed. my only hope was that each blamed the other.

after court i got outside and into my car to drive away. and the two attorneys were there, standing by their cars chatting. i looked over at them and smiled and they both quickly bowed their heads to stare at the ground. they knew. they knew it was the pregnant lady behind them that had rudely farted in court.

*in case anyone was wondering. the HPF did not hinder my court case. i got my fine reduced to $100

4 comments:

  1. Oh. My god. Ohmygod. This is so awful. I feel so bad for you. But at the same time, I laughed uncontrollably by the end of this tragic tale. I apologize for that!

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA. You are the best story teller.

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  3. you are literally the funniest person ever

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  4. i'm linking to this in a post i'm writing...because it is true and hilarious and i love you.

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