Wednesday, March 14, 2012

an unfortunate incident


dress: Old Navy, cardigan: Target, vest: American Eagle


it's amazing to me how a faux fur vest is truly the most versatile item in my closet. 

now, on to something much more important: i, L, can no longer see my own yoohoo. my belly has gotten so giant, that it completely blocks my normally clear, visible shot of it. i've forgotten what the damn thing even looks like. now, i originally didn't care, since it's not particularly pretty or anything, just your regular ol run-of-the-mill yoohoo, but the circumstances changed the other day in the shower...

and thus begins my tale.

during this particular shower, while i was scrubbing myself down, i noticed that there was WAY too much of a soapy lather going on in the Nether Regions. i said out loud to myself, "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, L!!!! when was the last time you landscaped?!?!?!" then i suddenly and horrifyingly realized that i couldn't remember the last time. for shame, L. i hesitated only for a moment before snatching my razor. but then i paused. how was this supposed to work really? like this was a seriously dangerous mission. but also a necessary mission. i said to myself, "self, this is a hazard. you shouldn't do it." oh, but i did. i ignored all of my instincts and i went in blindly.

SONOFABITCH.

worst. 
mistake.
ever.

i cut my yoohoo with a razor. I. CUT. MY. YOOHOO. WITH. A. RAZOR.

i screamed out in pain. and i heard Cleo scurry into the bathroom to inquire about my condition. the most terrible part was that i couldn't see how bad it was. my imagination ran wild as i pictured the worst. it was a terrifying panic-filled moment in my life that i shan't forget.

it ended up not being so bad, but i will promise one thing: there will be NO MORE RAZORS IN MY NETHER REGIONS UNTIL AFTER THE BABY IS BORN. nor will i wax because i think it's an enormous and unnecessary infliction of pain on my tender parts. so, i will let Her grow out. wild and free, as they say. just like Eve (from the Bible. not the entertainer). the doctor will be pleasantly surprised when she delivers JF into the world through the cavernous forest between my legs. but i won't even care. i will hold my head high and proud. because i will be giving birth looking just as our foremothers did--unruly and untamed.

grow on, yoohoo. grow on.

13 comments:

  1. hahahahahahahhahahahaha ewww so wrong but so funny :)

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  2. This just made my day SO much better!!

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  3. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

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  4. Girl get yourself an electric razor. You can shave down there without worrying about any accidents. Its a lifesaver.

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  5. yeah, that's the worst. i feel your pain. landscaping blindly does not a smooth shave make. i thought about getting one of those no-fog shower mirrors but haven't yet. oooooh well.

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  6. I love you, these stories you tell are amazing!! X

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  7. GAWD! You don't know anything about childbirth do you? When you get to the hospital you will be met by a nurse or orderly with razor in hand and you will soon be as smooth and hairless as the day you were born.

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  8. I don't think hospitals shave down there anymore. Funniest post ever!

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  9. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THIS IS SO GREAT. This post is exactly why I love you and your shamelessness. Lets hope JF inherits a little of that too! xo.

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  10. How in the HE'LL did you get so shameless!?!?

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  11. so funny..I had the same issue. One day, I just had the hubby do it for me. Quite an experience!

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  12. Believe you me, unlandscaped nether regions will be the last thing on your mind when you are in labor. The very last.

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  13. Aaaahhh, the truth behind these words is overwhelming. Soso so sooo glad i read this. I had a very similar experience the other day which resulted in an official announcement, "no shaving until after baby." God, i just love you!

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