Saturday, June 23, 2012
i am writing this to the best of my knowledge. time was such a weird vortex, so i'm recalling things as i remember them, with bits and pieces told to me by JJ and my Mom.
i woke up at 6 am with wet underwear and wet pajama pants. and i was like "JJ I'M WET DOWN THERE! DO YOU THINK MY WATER BROKE?!" he said, "maybe you peed yourself." so helpful. so i texted my Mom and asked her what she thought. she thought it was my water. but the thing is, it wasn't a lot of liquid...just a little. so we went for a walk. then i took a shower. and when i put fresh clothes on, my underwear got a little bit wet again. so i called the doctor. she said it was probably nothing, but that i should come to the hospital to be checked out, and then i would most likely be sent home.
when we got to the hospital the doctor came in and checked my cervix. only dilated 2 cm. she did a swab swipe to test the mysterious liquid and then we waited. then an hour later she came back and said indeed it was my water. only it hadn't broken. it was just leaking. a slow leak. then she told us that a leak like that could cause infection for me and the baby. so she wanted to start me on Pitocin. HOLYSHITWHAAAAAT?! we thought we were being sent home. we were going to get pizza for dinner. we left Cleo. ohmyghodddd. for reals this was it. sldkflksadlfk
the nurse put an IV in me. which was so painful and grossed me out the ENTIRE time it was in me. i had to ask them to put a guaze glove over it because i wanted to gag at the sight of the needle in my thin hand skin. then JJ and i called our families and just sat around waiting for JF to make a move. i had contractions but they were totally endurable and then i got hungry. i had eaten two cheese sandwiches for breakfast that morning (do. not. judge.) and apparently that wasn't enough because i wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and fries. the hospital is so annoying with their nutrition rules. the fries were BAKED. not fried. and they didn't even have salt on them. WTF. and don't even get me started on the effing LOW CALORIE KETCHUP. so stupid.
my family arrived that afternoon, and my contractions were definitely there, but still manageable. i decided i wanted to sleep a little. then in the middle of the night, things started to get painful. and i started having lower back pain. it was basically just an uncomfortable and miserable night. my Mom and JJ took turns patting my head and being nice. JJ slept on the couch in the room and at one point he rolled over and said in his sleep, "are you okay big mama?" really? big mama? thanks. and then at around 3 am i was given a bit of pain medicine, which made me a complete loony toon. i managed to sleep tiny bits until morning...my sisters and Dad were in and out of the room. JJ's parents flew up from CA, and my grandparents came as well. even Rah and Nebular were there. everyone came in to chat with me, but i was mostly just a moaning and groaning mammal.
about mid-morning the doctor came in and broke my water all the way. ouchhhhh. it hurt. and it gushed everywhere. like BUCKETS of fluid. the nurse said it was the most she'd ever seen in her 25 years. i was reallllllly feeling the horrid contractions and equally painful lower back pain, and they allowed me to have an epidural. omg. it was the WORST experience ever in life. the guy had to stab me 3 times. THREE. SEPARATE. TIMES. i was sobbing and keeled over and having contractions and wanting to die. i wanted to strangle that man. like really bad. he finally figured his shit out and the medicine reached me and i felt better. for an hour. then i felt everything again. i was so annoyed. everyone said the epidural would make everything easy and perfect. lies. the next few hours were excruciating. the anesthesiologist kept coming back to give me more medicine, and each time it worked for a short period of time before wearing off. i remember that JJ's Mom brought him a coffee and a cookie. and i could smell the coffee and it was awful. i wanted to puke. and the sound of the crinkling paper on that damn cookie. just please. i don't think i have ever hated anyone as much as i hated JJ when he unwrapped that MFing cookie. i wanted to hurl them both out of the window.
except for that one time, i really appreciated JJ being a good husband and staying by my side. he let me squeeze his hand really hard and he told me i was pretty even though i was absolutely not. and i had always thought i wanted just JJ in the room with me. but during labor i realized i needed my Mom. a woman who had been there, who understood the pain. and during the very worst parts when i felt that i could not do it, she reassured me that i could.
by late afternoon on memorial day i was shouting out loud that i was going to die. i was making sounds that i didn't even know i could make. i was probably scaring the piss out of the other pregnant women on the floor. i thought that i had to be close. indeed i was. 9 cm. so close. i could DO this. but OHMYGOD it hurt so bad, and the epidural was not working and i could feel everything. it was during this time that i called the baby an asshole. i'm so sorry Gemma. i didn't know what i was thinking. literally. i felt like i wasn't me. like i wasn't present in the experience. i was so exhausted. it felt like i was going crazy. and they wouldn't let me drink anything but i was sooo thirsty! just two little measly ice chips at a time. the doctor came back in and i was 9+ cm dilated, but not progressing. MOTHERF*@#. i could feel the baby down low and it was making me feel like i had to poop. but the doctor told me not to push. it was such an awful feeling. i was damn near ready to go clinically insane, when the doctor finally explained that my cervix was just not fully dilated or effaced, and that the baby was sunny-side up (which explained the back pain), so a c-section was the best and safest option.
i did not care. i never did. i just wanted a healthy baby. and right then i just wanted that healthy baby out of me. pronto. JJ put on a sexy blue hospital jumpsuit and matching hat, and the nurse detached the Pitocin from me and a new anesthesiologist (who kept calling me Maria...??) came and gave me the goods for surgery. and in we went.
they strapped my arms down and told me to take a nap while they prepared me for surgery. really? take a nap? and then we were ready. JJ was so excited, it was so cute. then they cut me. and i felt more than just pressure. it hurt. so i told them it hurt and they gave me more medicine. (am i a rhinoceros? srsly. why didn't any of the medication work on me?!) and then more painful pressure and then a baby crying! i heard it! JJ looked at me. i said "LOOK! GO LOOK! IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?!" and so he stood up and said, "it's a GIRL! L, it's a girl!" and then they cleaned her up and weighed her and measured her and laid her down next to me. and we just stared at each other. it was so lovely. that horrible 30 hours of labor was worth it. i asked JJ, "what should we name her?" we had a few names we liked, but i couldn't decide. and i didn't care. i was just so happy to have the beautiful fruits of my labor out of my belly and next to me. and he said, "she's a Gemster." it was perfect. she was perfect. our perfect little Gem.