Monday, July 16, 2012

and the evil bitch strikes again


i arrived at my parents' house thursday night. i fed Gemma, ate the shit out of some peanut butter-filled pretzels from Costco with my Dad, caught up on the latest trends for 18-year-olds with my little sister MM (am i too old for a hot pink streak in my hair?) and sweat my ass off trying to get a ping-pong sized booger out of Gem's nose with a Q-tip. finally, at 11 pm, after i put the sleeping baby down in the bassinet, i myself climbed into my childhood bed. i had just shut my eyes when i smelled a Terrible Smell. a familiar Terrible Smell. a Terrible Smell that could only belong to the Evil Empress of Hatred Herself. cat. pee. CAT PEE. CHANEL'S CAT PEE. on MY side of the bed. so rude. it leaked through the quilt, the blanket, the top sheet, the fitted sheet and the fluffy mattress pad. i automatically cursed the pussy and flipped on the lights. which made Gem scream. "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, CHANEL!" i shouted into the darkness, "YOU'VE AWOKEN THE BABY!"

so i gathered the soiled bedding and thundered angrily downstairs to the laundry room. and who should i pass on the way, you ask? Chanel. she sat still except for the guilty telltale swishing of her tail. she was blocking my path with her enormity, and glaring at me with those putrid amber eyes full of equal parts ambition and rancor.

"GETOUTOFMYWAYFELINE!"
she didn't move. she only smirked at me.
"i like Cleo better than you."
nothing. she blinked once.
"you're fat. oh, and your summer haircut. is. STUPID."
ZING! that one got her. she mewed at me and ran away.

she is SO mean. she hates loves hates loves hates me. she hates JJ. she hates Cleo. i can only assume she hates Gemma too. which is why she peed on my bed. she is such a brat. i am honestly half afraid she will eat my baby. #bitch.

8 comments:

  1. "and sweat my ass off trying to get a ping-pong sized booger out of Gem's nose with a Q-tip." i so so so wished someone would have filmed you. you could have discovered the new "thing" in cardio, you know.

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  2. Speaking of boggers, I just read about a Kappa Delta in Kentucky who invented the Boggie Snatcher. It received rave reviews on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Boogie-Snatcher-Infant-Cleaning-Tweezers/dp/B006GH8CME/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342480755&sr=8-1&keywords=boogie+snatcher

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  4. Normally I'm on the cat's side (people can be so mean to cats)... but this cat sounds (and looks!) like an asshole. And really, the stench of cat urine is one of the worst smells, ever. Yuck!!

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  5. Haha, oh cats... we had a cat named Chancho once. he liked to pee on our things occasionally. we tried to forgive him. then we brought Sam home and chancho freaked out and peed all over our house and all over sam's things. so chancho went to live at a horse barn. that was 3 years ago, and our couch still smells of his urine.

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  6. hahhAHAHHAA.. OMG. I'm dying L'O'L'ing! Chanel. What a B. and I agree- her summer do looks somethin' Stoopid!! hhahaha

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  7. I think my cat is the also-evil twin of your cat. She's a total terrorist who drags dingleberries to the bed and won't let me brush her so she ends up looking stupid like this:

    http://i.imgur.com/1L2Vj.jpg

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  8. SERIOUSLY!! That is the worst smell ever!

    and poor Gem's getting all awoken by a stupid cat!

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