Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Glucola Hell

yesterday was the dreaded glucose test day. when i had to chug a bottle of flat 7up with 400x the sugar in 5 minutes. then a twitchy, sugar-high drive to the doctor to have the immense displeasure of getting my precious blood stolen straight from my veins. 

let me tell you. the Glucola is the grossest shit ever. like, EVER. i almost threw up. it was worse than in college, drinking monarch vodka out of a las vegas shot glass in front of the boy you like while wearing a black sequins halter top from wet seal. honestly. i sat on my bed yesterday morning at exactly 10:15 a.m. with my bottle of chilled Glucola. i turned up the volume on KLG and Hoda and gave myself a pep talk. then i drank. i drank and i drank and it felt like i was drinking an entire lake of Glucola but when i looked at the bottle, it was like i only had a sip. and the 5 minutes went by so incredibly fast. so in the last minute i had to chug 3/4 of the bottle. so i held my breath and plugged my nose and downed it. and it was gone. and my throat, which was coated in sugar and hate, burned and burned. i gasped for air and drank some water, but the burning lingered. then i made myself a cheese, mayo, mustard and sweet pickle sandwich. only i couldn't eat it. not until they stuck a needle in my arm. it was the worst.

and i know i've mentioned this before, but i have this weird thing where i cannot bend my arm for like 2 hours after i get my blood taken. i have to keep it stick straight until i forget about it and bend it on accident. nothing is more disgusting than picturing the crook of my arm all bruised and bloody and sore, so i just avoid bending it for as long as possible. so JJ kindly carried my purse and my free breastfeeding kit to the car while i walked like a zombie with my arm straight out. (when we lived in Spoke, JJ would take me to get my blood taken and afterward, he would always ((i have had low iron issues for a long time and am no stranger to the blood stealing)) carry my purse and take me to Qdoba as a treat. it was the best). yesterday we got to the car and i snarfled my sandwich. then it was over. top 10 least desirable experiences in my life. and this includes the time i shat my pants at nordstrom rack and had to throw away my underwear in the bathroom of the barnes and noble. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

what's on L's phone?!

25.5 weeks

i have SO many accidents to look forward to.

you tell me: what on this earth is more exciting than a weenie-mobile spotting?!?!? 

love a random Mark Twain quote.

Cleo looks so smug.

100,000! and we're still having trouble...

 i have never in my life seen someone be so indecisive than JJ in a bookstore. (except maybe my sister CA in a Claire's store circa 1997). after flipping through 14 books, he FINALLY picked one and as we were stepping onto the elevator, he said "nope. no. can't read this. i just spotted the words 'war against worlds...' i can't read that shit." so back to the drawing board we went. then he FINALLY picked another one and we went down the elevator to check out. only then he saw a discounted books table. so he had to stop and look through those for about 20 minutes. then i said, "OK MAN I'M LEAVIN!" and got in line. whereinwhich he changed his mind 4 times before settling on his original book.

thinking really hard about the life-altering decision of which book to read.

me and Cleo loungin'

 what's my obsession with the kissy face this week?

 on the lookout for pirates obviously.

Sam's dog Bella at the beach.

 Sam and i went to brunch sans husbands on sunday. and we went to a place JJ has never been. and whenever this happens, he makes me take a picture of the eggs benedict and send it to him so he can decide "if the hollindaise sauce is real or from a can." aye yi yi.

Monday, February 27, 2012

tinkle leaks

jeans: Rock n Republic, sweater: H&M, faux fur jacket: Wet Seal, shoes: BCBG

this faux fur jacket. i've had it for years and i just adore it. it comes out every now and again when i'm feeling particularly saucy. 

we got a red box movie and gummy lifesavers on friday night. saturday morning we went for noah bagels and to the bookstore to buy a baby names book. then we went out to a fun dinner with friends. on the way home i had to pee badly. and usually it's fine. i just whine and hold it until we get home. only JF the little shit decided to like dance and jump on my bladder in the car, and i literally could not control myself. little tiny tinkles just leaked out. i was like JF C'MONNNNNN WE ARE ALMOST HOMEEEEE LET ME MAKE IT HOMEEEE. but JF just danced and jumped to its own desire. we finally got home and i waddled as fast as i could to the toilet. it could have been a lot worse. i could have emptied my whole bladder and peed myself.

on sunday we went to church but had to leave early because i got light-headed and hot with all the standing and sitting (but baby liked the church music. Hän would start dancing around, it was cute). then Sam came over for brunch and brought her doggie for a date with Cleo. it was fun, and great to see her since she leaves the glorious state of WA on friday (sniffle) to carry out a fancy career and sunny life in AZ. then JJ and i watched Mr. Popper's Penguins which i absolutely loved, and lounged around until the Academy Awards came on. JJ ran to the gym while i watched the dresses. as i was judging the celebrities, i felt a little tickle in my nostril. i was thrilled because really, nothing is better than a satisfying sneeze. i let out a huge sonic boom from my nose and was horrified to discover that i had warmth in my undies. you guys. i pissed my pants. I SNEEZED AND PISSED MY PANTS. WTFFFFFF. i didn't even see it coming. i didn't even have to pee. like i literally had just gone pee 3 minutes before this happened. thank GOD i was at home and not in public somewhere. it's all JF's fault. i think Hän was totally laughing on the inside. 

i just don't understand where all of this pee is coming from. last night i got up five FIVEEEE times to pee. and each time was a flowing river. i think to myself at 3 a.m. "OK this has GOT to be it. i drank a glass of water at 7 p.m. and this has to be the last of it." but then at 5 a.m. my bladder refills itself to a plentiful flowing Niagara Falls. like where does all that pee magically appear from?? it's tres annoying and doesn't make any sense. 

at this point in the pregnancy, i think it's safe to say that when i gotta go, I GOTTA GO. no waiting it out to see if JF bounces around on my bladder enough to make me piss myself in public. i already peed my Calvin Klein shorts that one time in 5th grade at the 7-11, i don't need to be a 25-year-old disgracing myself by peeing in my maternity leggings in Target.

Friday, February 24, 2012

my trip to the (dirty, gritty mean) city

dress: Target, blazer: Wet Seal, oxfords: Jessica Simpson, glasses: UO, headband: Nordstrom Rack

yesterday Cleo and i met JJ for lunch in the city. we were driving along, very excited, and Miss C was propped up on my lap with her paws on the window, all excited to see JJ. and then i smelled a terrible smell. like poo. i quickly looked down. poo on my coat. POO ON MY COAT. turns out dog had a dingleberry i didn't notice. well until now. i cursed my luck then called JJ to bring out some wet paper towels. which didn't do much. arghhh. not quite the start we wanted on our lunch date.

we drove around the city looking for a place to park and JJ wouldn't let Cleo and her poopy butt sit on his lap for obvious reasons and she had really hurt feelings. it was so pitiful the way she looked at JJ and begged him to let her up off the floor:

anyway we finally found a spot and paid for it. then we walked to the sandwich place. i saw so many homeless people and so many frowning faces and so many many miscreants. my sandwich was delicious. the man who took our order was high, had a tattoo of a skull with bat wings on his forearm and he was wearing a padlock on a chain around his neck. we sat and ate our wonderful sandwiches then we walked back to the car quickly because JJ worried that "someone was going to break into our car and steal Cleo and try to sell her because she's so cute." turns out she was still in the car, still with a poopy butt. i drove JJ back to his office, and was waiting at a green light to turn left, when an angry pink-haired girl with a bull's ring in her nose honked, flipped me off, and roared her car around me because she was impatient. so rude.

i kissed JJ goodbye and he said, "check out that crack house right there," and indeed there really was a crack house right there. then he said, "DON'T KEEP STARING!" and so i looked away so as not to get shot. JJ hopped out of the car and Cleo dramatically cried when he left and we GTFOOT. 

it was so nice to arrive back in my small little town with a high population of cute old people and golden doodles. we got inside, i washed Cleo's butt and we settled in to watch more Downton Abbey. and i decided that if it wasn't for the delicious food, i would never ever go into the city.

i. hate. the. city. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

the last pre-baby trips

jeans: Gap, blouse: JC Penney, sweater: Banana Republic, scarf: Jason Wu for Target, shoes: TJ Maxx

i'm quite patriotic, no? i feel like elle woods in the second legally blonde movie. how LUCKY that my wonderful Mom found a solitary Jason Wu scarf at her target that was returned?! i was so excited to open it up in my Valentine's package.

JJ and i have so many fun trips planned before the baby is born including 3 jaunts down to southern California, one surprise 26th birthday trip for JJ planned by me, his wife, and one babymoon weekend getaway. plus a few weekend trips to Selah and Spokane. we are going to be busy and i like it. except next weekend JJ gets to go to Vegas for the WCC tournament. and i don't. i figured it would be a little awkward/tacky to be a 6-months sober pregnant lady rolling around the strip trying to fit in with the college girls in tiny dresses. OHHHHHHH to be a college girl in a tiny anyway, this trip will be JJ's last hurrah man trip before baby comes, and he's really excited. so i'm trying not to sully it with a pissy attitude. only he gets to see Rah and Moon and that makes me really very jealous. not fairrrrrrrrrrrr. i will miss the WCC antics. was it only last year that i spent $30 on a Kim Kardashian lollipop while waltzing around the city with a 3-foot tall drink in a leather vest?! i digress. 

it's so strange to think that post-baby, traveling will be a whole new beast with the stroller and car seat, poopy diapers and pacifiers...and inevitably being The People with the Screaming Baby on the Plane Whom Everyone Hates. because don't even lie, we have ALL been the one who gave the haggard mother in 7B with greasy and unkempt roots the stink eye when her child won't shut the hell up.

SO, needless to say, it will be fun to go on our last trips before the baby comes. to travel with ease and to have the luxury of settling into a good book on the plane. speaking of, i'm reading Bringing up Bebe right now and it's really good. i want my child to be a perfect French angel--especially while traveling. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

terrorist squirrel

dress: Rodarte for Target, boots: BCBG

you can't even really see my belly in these pictures. which is weird because it's definitely growing at an INCREDIBLE rate at this point. JF is a mover. if i stare at my belly i can see limbs poking around and jerking my stomach every which way. JF is definitely not a gentle being thus far. and my creaky old man back. poor dear JJ runs around to fetch my heating pad and body pillow whenever i whine. he's so nice. sometimes. yesterday i wore a midriff-baring tee from abercrombie for no reason other than i can. my belly was just hangin around, out and free. it felt pretty good.

i have been following the trendy obsession with Downton Abbey and so far SO GOOD. it's on PBS so one doesn't even have to have cable to watch it. season 1 is also streaming on netflix right now. as a result, every time i speak to Cleo, it's in a British accent (i.e. "Cleo, dahling, will you take your aftahnoon tea in the gahden today?")

there is a squirrel. one squirrel who frequents my backyard. he comes everyday. and i hate him. because i'll be outside taking outfit pictures and all of a sudden he'll leap over the fence within inches of my head, damn near giving me a stroke. or i'll be taking the garbage out and he runs across my feet, causing me to inhale silently and deeply in preparation for a terrified scream. then i realize it's only him and yell "F*$@ YOU" instead at his perfectly fluffy tail skittering away. for no reason, he is terrorizing me. i just hate him.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

what's on L's phone?!

Valentines from my Mom and Dad! we also got a package from JJ's parents. we were quite loved on hearts day.

 Lola666 lounging on her new couch


24.5 weeks

JJ spilled his half n half in the shape of Mickey. like a small reminder that Disneyland really misses me.

me, Cleo and Dad.

JJ got a coffee in Ellensburg on our way home. and his cup said "Alberto" and then it was crossed out. hahahahahahaa

obsessed with this bright orange wallet. miiiiight be a little inappropriate to use whilst pregnant, but i don't even care. i love it. and i will wine and dine the shit out of myself once baby comes.

she's like a character from Mean Girls. pretty and evil. i got 2 minutes of snuggle time here before she attacked me. and, after much deliberation and flashes of the siamese cats from lady & the tramp, we decided Chanel would not be the best household member when the baby comes. she is happy at my parents' house, so she will stay there.

 my own sexy personal driver

we all went to a movie and left the doggies at home. they were so cute and so sad, looking out the window and watching us leave. (side note: the Christmas lights are in the process of being taken down hahah)

Monday, February 20, 2012

a trip home

turtleneck/skirt: Target, vest: American Eagle, boots: Steve Madden

we had a fun little trip to Selah this last weekend. except it took us 4 hours to get home. FOUR. usually it takes 2.5. there was snow on the pass and traffic. blech. but we had a lovely time. doughnuts were eaten on saturday morning, golf was played (for the men), antique shopping was enjoyed (for the gals), shrimp and steak was made on saturday night, a trip to the movies was had on sunday, followed by a date with Grandma and Pappy. and of course lots of snuggles/fights with Chanel. i brought her catnip, but Bitch still bit me in the elbow for no reason while i was innocently laying in bed on sunday morning. rude.

lately i have an immensely ginormous struggle with sitting in one position for too long. it's impossible to get comfortable with a protruding belly. also, i have suddenly developed a MASSIVE sweet tooth. i literally ate 8 chocolate chip cookies yesterday in the span of 2 hours. and after every meal i find myself pining for dessert. it's ridiculous. i've always liked sweets, but now i've gone completely crazy. like what is wrong with me that i have to have sugar after every single meal? i'm an addict.

and lastly, and most depressingly, yesterday was the saddest day on this calendar year. as it signified the expiration of my Disneyland Annual Passport. i left my heart with Mickey on California Screamin' with a jalapeño pretzel. sob. tears.

Friday, February 17, 2012

we should all speak Finnish

dress: Betsey Johnson (thnx Ma), blazer: Wet Seal, heels: DSW, flower: Anthropologie

the funniest thing about being pregnant is not having to worry about a flat stomach. take this dress for instance. normally i would have to wear spanx with it and be uncomfortable all day because it is tight and stretchy and hugs one's body very snugly. but now that i'm pregnant, it accentuates JF's house so nicely. it's really easy to just let it all hang out--because it's supposed to. speaking of, he/she was like kicking my ribs the other night. MY RIBS. wtf? like how does It wedge Its little self all up in there to reach my ribs? i had to say to It, "baby. stop. stop it. stop kicking my damn ribs." it was the first time i scolded It. and then i felt kind of bad. i mean it can't be comfortable to be in that small space all the time. notice how the English language doesn't have a proper pronoun that could work for both genders? it's really annoying. did you know that the Finnish language does not use gender-specific pronouns? nope. they don't. it's real simple. "hän" is for human (he or she) and "se" is for animal. so much easier. especially when dealing with unborn children. and also hermaphrodites.

on a completely unrelated note, who in the hell is dressing Natalie Morales lately? she has been looking like Dorothy on Golden Girls. her outfit on Valentine's Day was just atrocious. which is annoying because she is a completely hot young thing, she should be dressing like it.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

the raccoon debate

pants: Hot Topic, blouse: H&M, sweater vest: hand-me-down from Rah/Abercrombie, belt: Gap, smoking slippers: TJ Maxx

my favorite commercials ever are the coca-cola polar bear commercials. and the past few years, i have noticed their blatant absence around Christmas. only last night i finally saw a coca-cola polar bear commercial! during american idol! it was so thrilling. 

so i got excited and said, "i just love those polar bears, i want to hug them!" 
and JJ said, "yeah, they really are cute."
and i said, "but they're real mean in real life. which is sad."
and JJ said, "yeah, they're like raccoons." 
"ummm what? no they're not," i said.
"yes they are. such a cute animal but so mean and unfriendly."
then he turned to me with the saddest, sweetest puss n boots eyes and said really quietly and calmly, "L...raccoons are beautiful." 
and i laughed and i laughed and i laughed. "NO THEY'RE NOT! they look like scary evil bandits with fangs and janky claws that will rip your face off!" 
"NO THEY DON'T! they look like big, cute cats and you just want to pet them," he said. 

and so we proceeded to engage in a heated debate about raccoons for the next 20 minutes. JJ even googled on his phone and brought up a picture of a fluffy baby raccoon in a tree and said, "how can you not think that's absolutely adorable?!" and i was all "JJ you can't type 'baby raccoon' into google, that's cheating." because everyone knows that all baby animals are cute. and then he brought up an adult raccoon and i was like "ew! no! see?! that thing is just SCARY!" and he cocked his head and said, "no, no it's not. it's cute." and then he brought up a picture of a mom raccoon and a baby raccoon in a trap and we both got sad. even ugly raccoons don't deserve to be in traps. so we had to stop looking at the pictures.

anyway, we ended up agreeing to disagree on the 'Are Raccoons Cute Animals?' topic. but really though, i'm right.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

abrubt change

pants: F21, top: TJ Maxx, sweater: Anna Sui for Target, belt: Gap, boots: Miz Mooz

i love this sweater, but it's so damn itchy. nothing is worse than an itchy sweater. especially if it's a turtleneck. 

Spokane was a nice little trip. it was fun to see the little kiddies, and i was so glad JJ got to come and help me! i also got to see my good friend Sabs who is in massage school and gave me a lovely little pregnancy massage on Friday after the kids went to bed. my lower back was utterly grateful. we also got to see my parents and sisters for like, 20 minutes at a bagel breakfast before all three of them were hanging from the booths like monkeys and getting cream cheese in every crevasse of the restaurant. JJ and i said a quick "GREATTOSEEYOUGUYSBYE" before we wrestled the children back into the car and took them home. so we really didn't get to hang out with them, but it's okay because we are going home this weekend. 

at the end of the weekend JJ looked at me all tired and harried and said, "well....maybe we just have the one," referring to JimmyFrank. hahahaa but srsly--going from quiet evenings with just Cleo to a full-fledged, three-children circus was quite the abrupt change. i think a baby screaming at 3 in the morning for the teat will also be an abrupt change.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


even though he has to work late because there's a game tonight. i've got a package of E.L. Fudge and a snuggly pup to keep me company tonight.

*these sweatshirts were my VDay gift last year--JJ occasionally wears his on a jog around the neighborhood. which thoroughly pleases me.*

What's on L's Phone?!


when husbands are annoying: that is an enchilada-sauce handprint. on a freshly washed bath towel. BATH TOWEL. like, c'mon man, do you WANT me to yell?? 

 ohmygosh. that mess of JJ's clothes in the background. sorrrrrryyyyy. ok. so i had a job interview yesterday. i felt good about it and i should get the job. however, it ended up being extremely awkward. who hires a 5-months pregnant woman?! even though it's 2012 and everything. the world just isn't fair. anyway, i addressed the elephant in the room at the end of the interview and they said "congratulations," but mostly i think i just made everyone uncomfortable with my obvious belly. also, even dressed like a man in all black, it's really REALLY hard to hide the basketball under my shirt! since i had an interview i feel productive. good job, self.

a lovely gift wrapped by 8-year-old M. two layers of wrapping paper, two separate ribbons and fully entwined in double-sided tape. 

my Dad picked up a little something for Cleo at the Gonzaga bookstore. hahaha so cute! he also got a little matching onesie for JimmyFrank when HeShe comes out.

 JJ surrounded by lots of love. if you're wondering why JJ looks like a zombie, keep in mind that we were woken up at 6 a.m. with little P in her crib screaming "LLLLLLL! I'M AWAAAAAKE! COME AND GET MEEEEE!" Little P is ob-SESSED with Cleo, as you can gather from this picture. there were tears and protests and dramatic foot stamps when Cleo left on Sunday after lunch.

because every time i eat at SF, i have to post a pic. droooooooooooooL. i went twice and kicked myself for not getting a sandie to-go. 

my special Valentine from the kiddies.

me, Cle and JF
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