Thursday, November 29, 2012

what's inside my brain

1. i have the world's worst dishwasher. when you pull out the bottom rack, it immediately slides back in. so every time i unload it, i have to stand with my leg propping the bottom rack out. do you know how annoying that is!?!?!?! #firstworldproblems

2. JJ wants another dog. ANOTHER DOG. a puppy. to take with him to work. like, no! NO! buyohmygodyouguys A PUPPPPPPPYYYYY! what in this world is cuter than a puppy??

3. i was in line at Costco for a slice of pizza. i always pick the wrong lines. i waited 25 minutes for this slice of deliciousness and my sister was extremely annoyed that she had to wait for me while i waited for the slice. anyway, i made a friend in the line. an older squatty woman who wanted a chicken bake. we kept chatting about how the guy in front of us must be ordering 100 hotdogs because it was taking so long. we kept tossing witty comments back and forth and it was quite fun. then i took it too far. i really don't know why i felt comfortable enough to shout at her, "IF THAT GUY DOESN'T HURRY UP I'M GOING TO TURN INTO THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND RIP MY SHIRT OFF AND SCREAM!" she frowned at me and turned away.

4. Gemma was so hungry in Target that i just opened up a baby food packet and let her eat it while we shopped. i paid for it obviously, but really, is that an acceptable thing to do?

5. my sister owes me her life for slaving away over her wedding favors while i ignore my child.

6. Costco pretzel rolls. i cannot even...THEY ARE SO GOOD I COULD EAT A HUNDRED

7. how many presents are you supposed to get a baby for Christmas?

8. it's really hard to travel alone with a baby and a dog. even harder is trying to nurse a baby on the plane while in the middle seat, between two men. harder than that is trying not to die of embarrassment while the baby screams and everyone on the plane is plugging their ears and glaring angrily. harder still, is trying to relax one's sphincter enough to take a poop in the airport with a crying baby strapped to your chest while the dog growls at the toilet from her carrier. i am never traveling without JJ again. never. ever.

9. why are miniature marshmallows so much better than the big ones?

10. cottonheadedninnymuggins

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

what's on L's phone?

a day late and a dollar short.

checkin out the window with her cowbaby 

Cleo and her cousin Mo (JJ calls her Mo Money Mo Problems) wrestling. 

Christmas shopping! 

sleep. training. #gothefucktosleep.

how i feel about sleep training

thanksgiving! and now that this picture is all big on my computer screen, i am unfortunately noticing how transvestite-y i look. 

Cleo throws up on every major holiday. the stress! it's all too much to handle. after her thanksgiving morning vomit, she went straight to JJ's suitcase and snuggled up for a nap. it was so cute.

a hilarious and unintentional placement of the pacifier. kitty is a boy, i guess. hahahsdjkfkajdfhahaha 

Red Hot Chili Peppers! #californication

the girls at the beach! #northfacebarf

Nannie & Gemsie Bear

who needs a bumbo when you have a Lola666?

peach schnapps for my sister's bachelorette party bellinis!

i made MARTHA STEWART goat cheese and sun-dried tomato crostini for the bachelorette party. (i mean, i'm SO baller). Gemsie kept grabbing the bread scraps and sucking them.  

the bachelorette.  

her new favorite thing is grabbing a face and shoving it into her mouth.

Monday, November 26, 2012


we have been having a fabulous time in southern California. except that every two years, it's JJ's family tradition to go to the USC vs Notre Dame game. last time we went, i successfully snuck Cleo into the Coliseum in a 1984 size XXL Notre Damn puffy coat. one of my prouder moments, actually. not proud, however, was i of drinking the two keg cups full of wine that day.
anyway, even though i wore the same t-shirt as the last two times i've gone (the one that reads "sports suck."), this was a new year and we had a new family member to share the excitement with! (who was also my scapegoat. i.e. "i would LOVE to go to the game, but ol Gemmerjams needs to go home and get to bed.") so i got to partake in the tailgate, but was lucky enough to avoid the game altogether. fabulous.
family and food and friends were all there and it was also hot as a sweaty nutsack. and G puked up butternut squash all over her ND onesie, and all i had in the diaper bag was a warm hoodie, a fresh diaper and a copy of If I Were a Duck. so the baby spent the better part of the day naked. whatevs.
Cleo and i both desperately in need of bang trims.
*sidenote: Gemma likes the Ella's Kitchen baby food better than the kind i've been making her. which is unfortunate because those damn things cost like $800 a pop. plus i was kind of offended. like, c'mon Gemma, i was REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF for making your food for you. how dare you spit out my pureed carrots with distain, but gobble up Ella's pureed carrots with pureed excitement. little snob.
but really though, if the baby wants Ella's, we'll buy her the god damned Ella's. whatevs. 
naked cuteness.
we left JJ and the men to enjoy the football, and the girls GTFOOT. on the way home from the game it was still roasting hot, so we placed little princess in the girlie pink throne of a carseat that Grandma bought especially for her trips to California and she promptly passed out. 

when we got home, Gem and Cleo and i all took a shower to wash the grime of the city off of us and went to bed at 7 p.m. then we spent the night waking up every hour just to shoot the shit. sleep is SO overrated. whatevs.

the next morning as we were eating breakfast and gulping coffee, we were starrled by Grandma's screaming. that she had stepped in a Cleo turd. whatevs.

Thursday, November 22, 2012


happy thanksgiving. look at these gals, just hanging out, soaking up the sunshine in the grass. i just love them!

last night JJ had a nightmare and began shouting loudly, which startled the baby awake. and then she started shouting too. and then the dog started growling. and i yelled "NOOOOO" into the darkness in an exasperated and desperate tone amongst the mayhem. and thus began a Terrible Night Of Sleep. 

and this morning Cleo barfed all over my in-laws' house. because what holiday would be complete without Cleo barfing in inappropraite places?

i am thankful for my favorite hubblestiltskins and my favorite baby and my favorite pooch. and all of my other favorite people.

but really, this morning i am extra thankful that it's 2012 and i have the luxuries of clorox wipes and coffee and makeup and stretchy pants to make my life easier.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

what's inside my brain

jeans: J Brand, sweater: TJ Maxx, scarf: UO, booties: Kelsi Dagger

1. my MOTHER is coming! she's on her way right now! with Lola666 and Cleobaby whom she and my Dad have been taking care of for us since we left for California. she will babysit Gemma tonight while JJ and i go to the RHCP concert! we are so wild and crazy going to a concert on a weeknight.

2. my sister's bachelorette party is this weekend. to buy penis maracas or not to buy penis maracas, that is the imperative question of the hour.

3. my darling and hilarious momfriend who endangered my bank account this morning with her text of "everything at Anthropologie is 20% off right now at U Village" opened up an ETSY SHOP. and she's stupidly talented. i'm really picky about headbands for Gemcake, but hers are just the perfect amount of cuteness without being barfy flower overload. i already bought this one and this one.

4. are any of you hot bitches Wenning? Rah was telling me about it and now i'm thinking i want to give it a try! reviews, please.

5. you know what is really annoying? how AESTHETICALLY UNAPPEALING the damn jumperoo is. i hate how shiny and colorful and harsh and made-in-China it is. but alas, Gemmie loves it. 

6. my new fat rhinestone bracelet. i cannot even express how obsessed Gemma is i am with it. i first saw it on my friend from college and then i saw it for sale in real life at the j.crew factory store and i snatched it right up and haven't taken it off since.

7. THIS BOOK is changing my life one scheduled nap at a time. thanks for the recommendation sister-in-law E! 

8. Xtina. the pink afro. just please. no. i can't. I CAN'T.

9. there are creatures living within the walls of my house. i think they are mice and now i want to die because i don't want to deal with that shit.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

see JJ run


so we went to southern California on friday (Gem screamed. GEM. SCREAMED. the entire flight) for JJ's marathon. he chose the Malibu Marathon and it was gorgeous. it started just a few minutes from his parents' house and ended in Zuma Beach. he chose to sport the movember mustache for the race and i cannot even imagine the annoyance of that thing flapping in the wind for 26.2 miles.

saturday morning we woke up and went to the expo to pick up JJ's number and a marathon sweatshirt. and Gemma started making a very weird noise. like a wheezing sound. so obviously i freaked out and we took her to a pediatric urgent care center and they listened to her lungs and heart and of course she is fine. just a new noise she likes to patronize her mother with. we went to lunch with JJ's friend, and then the Gemster and i made our ceremonious trip to Anthropologie with his mom. when we got home JJ ran up to me all excitedly, "MAMA I GOT YOU SOMETHING AT THE OUTLET MALL! .......well, actually i got myself something that you will really like." it was a hat. how kind.

that night we all carbed up in honor of the runners and went to bed. JJ slept alone in the opposite end of the house from Gemma and me so as not to be disturbed by her crying. 

and sunday morning everyone woke up at 5:30. JJ and Sanjin ate some bananas, secured their nipple guards and applied anti-chafe cream on their manly bits and they were off. the rest of us got ready and met them along the course!

 Sanjin with his wife (JJ's sister) and kids running along side him offering water and support

Matteo, me and Gemstone waiting for the guys! 


the fan club

high fives for their Dad!

JJ the finisher. he chose to collapse in front of the port-a-potties. when i kindly asked him if we could change locations, he shouted, "NO L! NO! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M TIRED?!"
other things that came out of his mouth in those first 10 minutes:
"don't talk to me L."
"i hate this."
"my legs are dead."
"i am never. running a marathon again."
"get me another fruit cup, dammit."

getting organized for the picture 

 at Zuma with his girls and his medal and his beach towel (beach towels instead of tshirts. how very Malibu of them). our friend Chria Milker said, "with the filter of this picture and JJ's mustache, this looks like a picture from the 70s" hahahahaa

 get it Matteo.
the tshirts and onesie i made for the little kidlets! 

then Sanjin went to the medical tent and barfed. bulghhhhhhhhh you won't ever find me running a marathon. ever. we went for a celebratory meal of JJ's choosing (i.e. a meat house) and spent the afternoon with his family. his sister and brother came over and we celebrated the birthday of our almost-sister-in-law LLiscious.

then on monday we packed up and headed home. and Gem screamed on that flight as well. when we landed a woman on the plane said to us, "wow, she's got a set of lungs on her!" thanks, asshole. thanks a lot. and there was a girl on our flight who also ran the marathon and she was limping painfully through the airport in Seattle. on the other hand, JJ was practically skipping through the airport with a spritely gait. you'd have never known he ran a marathon the day before. crazy guy.

we are so proud of our favorite guy in the world! way to go JJ! and now he wants to qualify for Boston, so is planning his next marathon. Gemmaberry and i are trying to talk him and my Mom into running the one in Disneyworld together. MICKEY HERE WE COME!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

what's inside my brain

dress: Go International (what's with my pointy boobs?!), tights:Target, boots: MIA, hat: Express

1. i do love a good fuzzy hair day. look at my fuzzy head! that dress i wore to JJ's 23rd birthday. which was also the day i got hair extensions. after our wedding when i got the extensions taken out, i nearly cried at the pathetic state of my real hair. extensions should be illegal. because they are so great. but not real. and too expensive.


3. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT NASHVILLE?! because i am. completely obsessed. it is sooooo good. Juliette is so hateable but then you kinda like her. (i love the character Scarlett. i love the name Scarlett. but i can never have a child named Scarlett because then she would be Scarlett Hansen. which is basically the same as Scarlett Johansson). after every episode i walk around the house talking in a southern accent and i can't even help it.

4. i think i need to stop following Khloe Kardashian on instagram because it is starting to feel like we're real friends. and that is neither healthy nor something to brag about.

5. magazines. i love magazines. i used to love flipping through them the day they came in the mail. now my "to read" stack of them is so high that i think i might quit my subscriptions.

6. when do i need to stop using foul language in front of the baby? i don't want her first word to be shithead.

7. JJ and i love playing Phase10. and we keep score. so every game we have new names for each other on the scorepad. they range from "Gemma's Momma" to "Douchecracker" to "Terrible at Geography" to "Fartknuckle" to "Sweet Favorite" depending on our mood.

8. i'm SO CRAFTY i could die. i made a onesie and tshirts for Gemsie and her cousins to wear to cheer on their dads who are running a marathon this weekend (!!!!!) GO JJ! GO SANJIN!

9. i have found a kind of cooking that i am good at. baby food cooking. which consists of chopping fruits and vegetables and putting them in the Beaba that Rah got for us, and pushing the button. I'M PRACTICALLY A CHEF YOU GUYS OMG.

10. our new little niece was born last friday! she and G are so close in age, i'm so excited for them to have each other. congrats E&S&N!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

what's on L's phone?!

i look weird in this pic. but GEMMA'S FACEEEEE! and the fact that she's wearing pajamas at 2:30 p.m. hahahaaa 

finger munchin' 

 foot munchin'

serious doggie portrait 

JJ's clown socks! they were supposed to go in his Christmas stocking but i just got too excited to wait. 

my little favorite 

JJ took this of Cleo and me snoozing. hahahhaa so comf all around. also, the disarray of my nightstand is so indicative of my scattered brain. 

i am the best biggest sister in all of the land. i sent mittens and Taylor Swift CDs to my younger little pups.

just a boy and his dog and his smartphone.

Monday, November 5, 2012

sandimama, shopping and poopy legs, OHMY!

sometimes you just have a weekend that flies by and leaves you exhausted yet fulfilled. (that sounded so insightful, no?) and for all i know, JJ might have flown to China and back. i literally didn't see him until yesterday afternoon, when he horrified me with the fu manchu he grew while i was gone.

Saturday morning my Mom and sisterM stopped by to bring me my car (WHICH, by the way, no longer smells like moldy champagne from that one time in college when i spilled a whole bottle in the backseat (THANKS DAD FOR HAVING IT DETAILED!)) and have breakfast! i presented them with warm, homemade banana nut muffins from the box, orange slices, apple cider and coffee. Gemstone and i were all ready to go at precisely 9:32 a.m., when my Mom pointed out a low tire. ladskjfjlskdf and just as we were getting into the car i dumped my coffee all over my dress like a fool and had to go inside and start over on my outfit. then we went to the gas station to fill up my tire with air. and finally, we were off at 10:04 a.m. off to spoil Sandimama at her baby shower, followed by an afternoon of indulgence. (so sad we had to miss Nel's shower, though. same day, over in the Tri Cities. we celebrated you and Baby Boy from afar, Nel! love you!)

the shower was fun and obviously i CRUSHED the "name that children's show character" game and won a potholder and dishtowel with cats on them. hellyes. then i dropped Gemma off at Mimi's house while Rah and i took the pregnant lady for a pedicure.

Sandimama (as her glass reads) had sparkling peach juice, while Rah and i shared some of the world's finest champagne, Andre. (when will we learn that cheap champagne will make your mouth taste like poop and cotton balls for 24 hours?!) we bought Sandimama a scarf because a scarf always fits, even when you're 7 months pregnant. AMIRIGHT?! and we had the loveliest 2-hour girlchat ever in life.

chug it, mama! (you guys calm down. that's the bottle of sparkling peach juice, not the champagne)

then we went back to Mimi's to pick up an agitated and irritable baby. Mimi and Papa said she cried the entire time i was gone. ohhhh that little #mamasgirl. we waited around their house until our dinner reservation (if you ever find yourself in Olympia, Washington: OMFG LEMONGRASS IS THE SHIT. THE HONEY WALNUT SHRIMP. you.will.die). we continued our girlchat and Gemma actually behaved pretttttty decently (!!!) while i ate. it was such a perfect day!

then we dropped Sandimama off and i took Rah to the airport where we relaxed in the cell phone parking lot until it was time for her flight to leave. then the Gemster and i drove home.

Sunday morning we were up bright and early once again! JJ went golfing and Gem and i got ready for a Christmas Shopping Date with KKiss, LJ and her sister and Mom. baby was dressed and ready to go,  when i smelled a Terrible Smell. and discovered:

so, that's why i was late.

we went Christmas shopping where i only bought ONE bracelet for myself and ONE pair of fabulous clown socks for JJ and NO things for the baby and SEVEN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS DONE AND COMPLETED AND OUT OF THE WAY. seven people you guys. in fifteen minutes. it was a Christmas Miracle. i applaud myself thoroughly.

me and my bff.

then Gemma puked in Juicy Couture and LJ stepped in it. and then it was time to eat unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks.

we ate, said goodbye to LJ and her family, then we went to my house and KKiss watched the football game with JJ (bughlllghghhhhhhh) then she went home. JJ and i had poor man's pho for dinner (top ramen, sriracha and whatever vegetables you have in your fridge), we put Gemmaberry to bed, partook in two vicious rounds of Phase10 and it was OUTCOLD at 9:15 p.m.

the end. i hope your weekend was just as wonderful as mine!
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