Tuesday, May 28, 2013

G is one

this little G. my favorite little Gemmaberry. is one. ONE today. i can't even. this post could be all "ohmyghodddd the time has flown by!" and that's what i keep saying to everyone--because it has. and i shudder at the memory of my 30-hour labor followed by surgery. that little Gemstone was a defiant little turd from the beginning. i am so happy to be her mother, so i think i will just say some things about this little Gem that i know to be true:

1. growling in a deep smoker's voice is her favorite sound.
2. the "5 little ducks" song will make her laugh--even in mid-scream.
3. she calls everyone she loves "dada"
4. she one-legged pirate hobbles most everywhere, but has recently started taking her ladybug for walks, after seeing her friend M do it. it's the cutest thing in the world, seeing her spindly little legs wobble as she takes each step.
5. she gives hugs and french kisses upon request.
6. she quacks at every animal (except dogs--she barks at dogs. dogs are her favorite).
7. she knows the signs for "birdie" and "all done"
8. she loves her shoes
9. is coming around to fruit, but still prefers peas. peas peas peas until the day is done. we're all sick of peas (even Cleo spits them out) except for Gemmie.
10. obsessed with her swing. she sobs at the back door all dramatically when it's raining and we can't go for a swing.
11. absolutely detests getting her nails trimmed. also getting dressed.
12. cannot even smile or be generally nice in the morning until she's had her coffee (i.e. morning nursing session)
14. likes to bite to get someone's attention. (JJ and i scream out in surprised pain and punch her say "NO NO NO" and she cries until we say "it's okay" and she gives a hug.
15. chandeliers and toy monkeys and Fleur the bunny and ducks and dogs and BAAAAA (balloons and balls) are her favorite things.

my life is so much more exciting and full of love than i ever imagined. I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE BFF GEMMA JULIANNE!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Cleo looks so Spanish with a mustache, doesn't she?

ALSO, while we're on the topic of mustaches, i had a reader send me a sample of Jamberry Nails (THANKS JESSIKA) and they are SO COOL. look at those little mustaches lookin' all dapper and shit. 

 we had a 5-baby playdate (playdate should be one word. i'm ignoring the red underline on my computer screen that says otherwise) last week that was so much fun and i was wearing my mustache shirt. i waited all day to say the line, "we'd love to stay longer, but really we must-ache." (must-dash. mustache. get it?) i always find just the right moment to say that awkward line whilst wearing that shirt but i forgot this time. and i was really pissed about the missed opportunity.

but that is not the mustache story of the day, though. the mustache story of the day here is that JJ is growing a hockey playoff mustache. like, no. why is it that men will find any opportunity to grow a mustache? ("the Kings won't win without my playoff mustache" and "this is my Christmas mustache for the baby Jesus" and "i'm growing this mustache to stop world hunger. ghoddd. don't be such a bitch") i seriously don't get it. WHAT IS THE DEALLLLLL GUYS?! i think it's a way for them to show each other up. like "oh hey man, nice stache. but really, it's not nearly as impressive as mine. see how mine grows in real thick through the outer corners of my lip? yours is pretty good though. not like Rob's. Rob is just embarrassing himself with that pathetic pre-pubescent caterpillar he has on his face." i think the mustache growing thing is the male equivalent to Mean Girls.

but anyway, JJ is all proud as a peacock with his playoff mustache and unfortunately i had to crush all of his hopes and dreams. because we had a last-minute opportunity to have a family photo shoot with a friend i met online (yes! a friend on the worldwide web! i love technology!) who is literally as gorgeous as an angel. and i'm not even kidding. she looks like an angel. the photo shoot happened to be at 7 p.m. which is precisely the time when the Kings had a playoff game. so JJ was being a real cranky brat about the photos. lucky for him, the angelic photographer (whom i love. love love love love LOVE. she is the tits. hilarious and fun and omg her son is beyond adorable. we drank stella beer at 2 p.m. AND she introduced me to a pear/gorgonzola pizza that was truly life-changing) spent two years living in hockey-nation CANADA and also happens to be married to a hockey man herself. the shoot was easy and breezy and super fast. but anyway, so JJ truly thought that he was going to fly under the radar with a mustache in family photos. just please. GET OUT OF HERE JJ. like, no. it's not 1973. you will not have a mustache in family photos, you fool. i would literally take family photos without him before i would let a mustache ruin the pictures.

and so FINALLY he reluctantly shaved it. i practically heard him whimpering in the bathroom as he was removing the incriminating facial hair.

and do you want to know something??


Friday, May 17, 2013

a little makeover

we needed a new area rug. ours was laden with dog piss and bits of debris that the vacuum couldn't reach. and so i called my friend Sand and we decided to have a momdate at Ikea. now, usually i am between 15-20 minutes late to every momdate. and I REFUSED TO BE LATE YET AGAIN. so i left real early. and pulled into Ikea's blue and yellow gates a full TWENTY MINUTES EARLY. i even beat Sand. basically a GD miracle because Sand is always early/on-time. 

we were supposed to meet at 10. you'll notice the clock reads 9:40. and you'll also notice the telltale blue of Ikea in the background. SO YOU KNOW I REALLY WAS THERE EARLY.

i searched and searched the area rug area (hah! see what i did there?) for a decent one. Gem was less than enthused. 

i could not find one. NOT ONE! and so finally we moved beyond the rugs. but i said to myself, "self. damn you. you came here for a rug and your cart is filled with things that are not rugs." and so i went back to the rugs to look harder. and you know what? i found a black and white polka dotted rug. and immediately i loved it. but then i sighed a sad sigh. because black and white polka dots surely do not go with my shabby chic decor? YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL, L! YOU JUST CAN'T! and i was ready to give up all hope and cry tears of disappointment and despair. but then. THEN i had a thought: "shut up L. it is YOUR living room and YOUR house. and you can decorate it however the hell you please." and so i picked up that black and white polka dotted rug with a renewed sense of purpose and i THREW it in the cart. but then Gemmie immediately grabbed at it with her soggy animal-crackered hands. and so i put that one back and picked up a different black and white polka dotted rug and THREW it in the cart. 

and i also bought a black and white striped blanket that i thought would go with the rug and tie it together with the room. and i got home and hauled that old shitty piss rug out of the house and replaced it with the NEW rug. and THIS is how it turned out: 

pretttttty cool. i love the new look. the rug is fabulous. and i adore the blanket. and here is the BEST PART: total cost of rug and blanket: $40. that's forty. dollars. twenty for the rug and twenty for the blanket. I MEAN.

also, that picture above is BEYOND posed. it's clean and fancy and G only has one pretty toy out and OHMYGOD SHUT UP EVEN THE DOG IS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!

this. THIS is my reality:

it's nap time and i should be cleaning. but i don't even care. don't. even. CARE.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

what's on L's phone?!

Nannie came for a daytrip! 

i got the one-legged pirate hobble in action! pardon that ghastly beast of a shadow OMG L. creep. 

JJ snapped this of the two of us gals sleepin. Cleopatra the Bed Hog. 

Rah got us the pull cart for our blocks! they were being stored in an old Toms shoe bag and it was equal parts gross and annoying. we are totally thrilled--THANKS RAHHHHHHH!

"no. i cannot and will not be in a good mood unless i'm in Cleo's bed."

"and also i don't want to eat the bread. i just want it to be in my mouth." 

Mimi + wine + Cleo = the most perfect trifecta. 

this awkward shot of sister MM and me

the volleyball game when no one wanted me. that's what she said.  

the tampon drawer is her favorite drawer.  

JJ and his lady 


just chillin. 

JJ taking a pee on the side of the road like white trash. 

fancy! (love love love the new app: a beautiful mess) 

Trouble. again with the tampon drawer!?!?! 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

how to give your husband a proper birthday celebration

JJ is 27! that old, old man! we had a fabulous day celebrating our favorite person in the whole wide worrrrrrrrld! i thought i would compile a list of the things a gal should do to make her husband's birthday a special one:

1. make sugar cookies and display them on the cake plates received as a wedding gift nearly four years ago that have never been used.

2. buy him clothes that you want him to wear. wrap them up.

3. blow up 15 green balloons and almost pass out.

4. try and keep 11-month-old baby from chewing on said balloons. 

5. buy all the miniature sporting sets in the deceptive target "dollar aisle" that were actually $3.  

6. arrange all of the things like this:

7. take delight in the fact that G has learned a new word: "BAAAAA!" (which is ball or balloon and is said in a very scratchy smoker's voice)

8. dress the baby up in his favorite hockey team's (that you could give a hoot less about) gear:

9. slap the birthday man in the face with one of those giant sticky hands (not pictured) and laugh ass off because really it's THAT FUNNY. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat until the birthday man yells at you to "knock it off before he slaps you back with his real hand" and then repeat ONCE MORE just to be annoying (the picture shows JJ about 4 slaps in. he pretended to be sad. which only made me laugh harder).

10. cook the birthday boy's favorite dinner (which, lucky for me, was takeout thai food).

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

a tale of a nap gone awry

i'm so broke. i wore this outfit on friday and people stared at me like i was a nutjob. which i totally am so it was ok. 

we went to my parents house for mother's day. it was such a wonderful first mother's day. my two favorites in the world treated me like the queen i am for the whole day. 

what wasn't wonderful was saturday. aside from the fact that nobody wanted me on their team for the family volleyball match (rude), Gemma was like a vampire and refused to sleep. she woke up at 3 a.m. for the whole day. just up. awake and ready to party at 3 a.m. she finally went down for a nap at 6:30. which was when i decided to cuddle up and relax and possibly take a chair nap. i hate bed naps. i always feel tired and disoriented and unsatisfied when i wake up. so i decided to take a chair nap since they are not as long. plus, i needed one at this point. but Chanel had other plans. she came slinking around (with her stupid summer haircut) seeking approval. SEEKING APPROVAL BECAUSE SHE HAD A DEAD MOUSE IN HER MOUTH--scratch that. upon closer inspection--A HALF DEAD MOUSE IN HER MOUTH. omg omg omg. vomit. Lola caught wind of the situation and chased after Chanel, who then dropped the paralyzed and frightened mouse. it writhed around in pain and it was so sad. my Mom went over to shoo Lola away so Chanel could finish the job. but that evil feline only wanted to watch the poor creature suffer. she batted at it, urging it to play. it laid on its back, squirming around, beady little eyes filled with terror. it finally made its way to safety under a flower basket, where it could die in peace.

a few hours later, as JJ and i were pressure washing my parents' deck (just please), JJ moved the mouse's flower box and accidentally pressure washed it off the deck. i screamed. it was still alive, the little Hercules. it landed face-first into the grass. i thought the trip down might have killed him. we peered over the edge of the deck. nope. he wiggled around, refusing to die. "DADDDDDDD!!!! DADDDD COME HEREEE!" is what i screamed urgently. he walked casually (no one seems to care when i scream urgently) over to the mouse. "DAD IT'S DYING AND IT'S SUFFERING. KILL IT!" he bent over with his bare hands and picked it up by the tail, flinging it over the cliff. where i can only hope he finally met Death. the whole experience was very traumatic.

the thing is, that is exactly why i don't take naps. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

a most perfect weekend.

my parents came to visit last weekend! which meant JJ and i got a date night on Friday. which was thrilling. we went downtown for sushi and we felt like very cool city people. 

the weekend was beautiful and sunny. and so my parents kick-started our yard makeover. my Dad made me go to the home depot with him. i just haaaaaate the home depot. it's so brutal inside that stupid store. we spent like an hour hunting down all of the needed supplies. part of me thinks i may run into a serial killer in the home depot, just buying some rope and an axe and duct tape. i'm always on high alert in there. 

anyway, so we dug up the ugly plants and bushes and planted hydrangeas and azaleas and rhododendrons and peonies and lilacs! and while we were digging i just felt like we would definitely for sure find the skeleton of a person in my yard. i think maybe i need to take a break from watching Revenge. i watched the whole first season in a week. and last night i couldn't even go to sleep because i was paranoid that the white-haired man was outside in my yard plotting my death. anyway. back to the yard: it's so pretty now! we love it. thanks Mom and Dad! 

Gemma also says thank you for fixing her swing so that it's not dangerously jimmy-rigged to the pergola anymore. 

on Saturday the men went golfing and Nannie, Gemstar and i headed to Bellevue for lunch and a bit of shopping. then we came home and spent the rest of the day outside. Gemmie was thrilled to be naked all afternoon. we don't have a baby pool, so i filled up a mixing bowl with water and some toys. 

that blue boob looking thing is a Plui. and it's so awesome. best bath toy ever!

and this happened:

it really was the perfect day.

on Sunday morning we went to the Space Needle for brunch. 

the crab eggs benedict is TOP NOTCH. and the fresh squeezed grapefruit juiceeeee. i poured my mom's leftover juice in Gemma's empty sippy cup because it's THAT GOOD and i didn't want to leave it behind. 

 JJ took 100 boring landscape pics on my phone from our view at the top.

 and we were all matching, so we got a family shot

 then my parents left and i still get sad every time they leave because i'm such a baby.

THEN it was off for tacos with our friend Big G. and i wore my Mexican party dress. and it was a terrible outfit choice as a nursing mother. Little G could only have access to one boob, unless i decided to take off the whole dress and sit at the taco shop naked. which i didn't. i tried to wrap a blanket around my waist so i could lift the dress up--didn't work. so i tried to shove her under my dress to reach the other side which only made her scream out in frustration. the whole exchange was extremely awkward. and people were all around. damn you, Mexican party dress.

 aside from the Mexican party dress, it was a most perfect weekend.

Friday, May 3, 2013

a romantic encounter

yesterday Gemma and i were running errands, as we do. we were dressed quite preppy; me in a navy-and-green-striped dress and Gem in a light blue polo dress with the collar popped, obviously. (side note: i am now addicted to the show Revenge, and along with the vivid nightmare i got from watching 4 episodes in one day, i also garnered yesterday's style inspiration from Nolan).

anyway, we were running errands. and we were at a stop light. and i have this mirror in my car so i can see what the little munchkin is up to while i'm driving. usually it's feeding Cleo animal crackers, but yesterday i heard her giggling--clearly something was thrilling her. she was being very coy, dipping her chin down and smiling and being so adorably cute. i also noticed she was looking out her window. and so i turned around to see what was so great.

and i see THE MOST handsome man in all of Seattle in a fancy black Mercedes smiling right at her. you guys. YOU GUYS SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH A HOT RICH GUY. and he was loving it. he was laughing and talking to her. i almost felt like an intruder on the two of them and their tête-à-tête! i died laughing--ohmyghoddd she is hilarious.

and now i think JJ and i are in trouble with this little gal and her coquettish ways. 
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