Friday, June 14, 2013

beer me

Gemma has taken to pirate hobbling to the recycling, getting an empty beer bottle and bringing it back to me, all proud like a cat who brought its owner a dead mouse. she waits for me to give her praise, and then i put it back in the recycling and we repeat the entire process 800 times. it would really be better if she brought me a full bottle of beer, but whatevs.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

a real dog of a day

aren't they so cute together? no.

because i have a story to tell.

you thought that JJ stepping in Gemma's poo was the end of the shituations in the Hansen Household. you were so wrong.

last week i embarked on a new adventure called Stroller Strides (it's like a workout with your baby&stroller and it's really fun but also hard and i could barely move for 3 days and i know i should permanently join but but but...i'm a lazy asshole). anyway, so we went (Cleo was left behind. no dogs allowed at Stroller Strides) and then we went to get some groceries. when we got home, i do what i always do: i set G down inside to play while i ran back out to the car to grab the bags. i came back with full arms and went right into the kitchen to start unloading. then i heard G spitting followed by yelling. pretty typical. but i walked into the living room to see what all the fuss what about. and maybe for one second wished i didn't live with Cleo. because, THERE, right before my eyes, was my baby sitting on the floor eating a piece of crusty dog shit. ksadjfklasdfjdfhjsalksdfadhkjs CRUSTY DOG SHIT. ALL OVER HER HANDS AND FACE. and the smell. OHMYGOD. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh MY GOD the smell. i just...why would Gemma eat a piece of dog shit but refuse watermelon and apples?! i just can't even deal. IT WAS SO DISGUSTING I ALMOST THREW UPPPPP. so i rinsed out her mouth and washed her hands and face and took a machete to Cleo's head changed her clothes. but she still had poop breath. literally. Gemma LITERALLY had poop breath. so i gave her a cookie. i thought about Binaca...but it would sting her little mouth. i also thought about calling poison control, but she didn't actually swallow any of the dog poop. so that was it. we continued as if it was a totally normal day. even though the baby had munched on Cleo Turd.


and WHERE was her mother when Gemma found the dog turd and picked it up?? in the kitchen eating cheese unloading groceries and not paying attention to her 1-year-old child. what an idiot that woman is. ANYWAY, who wants me to babysit for them?? FREE DOG TURDS FOR ALL THE BABIES!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

what's on L's phone?!

waiting for Sand to arrive for G's cake smash photo session. 

this is the second cake i made in 3 days. also it's the second cake Gemma has ingested in 3 days. she quite likes having cake for lunch. anyway, i had to drive a full 30 minutes while holding this cake in one hand while manning the steering wheel with the other. during this time i received 3 phone calls and G had a tantrum and threw her sippy cup full of milk on the seat and it leaked everywhere and so Cleo partially cleaned it up but i used a baby wipe for the rest. YOU GUYS THIS IS ALL HAPPENING WHILE DRIVING. effing circus. 

antiquing with Gemsie! 



Lola thinks Gemma's teepee is her teepee.  

we love it when Daddy spends his lunch break with us at the beach 

hahahahahahaaaa ohhhh Gemmie.  

now that she's one, she sits in her chair and reads Goodnight Gorilla. she's practically an adult. 

a day in the life. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

pink party

Gemma's birthday party was a blast! we kept it small and relatively simple. we are so grateful for all of the people who are in Gem's life. she is a lucky girl!

OMG CAAAAAKE! she was thrilled. and puked it up all over herself about an hour later. also, it should be noted that I MADE HER CAKE. with my own hands. from the box. but with homemade frosting. so thrilled with myself!

my parents and sisters arrived Saturday morning and were ready for the party at 3 p.m. the next day. my Dad was like, "wait. you guys. the party is at 11. that's what the invitation says." and sure enough, i'm an absolute idiot who can't even remember the time of her own child's first birthday party. BUT REALLY THOUGH. thank GOD for my Dad. otherwise people would have shown up and i'd have still been in my pajamas. Dad and JJ got to work making the yard look pretty and us girls beautified the house (you know, just obeying gender roles like it's 1950). 

it was a very pink party. PEONIES obviously. we made lots of pink and red foods (thanks Mom and Mimi for helping with the food!) and had strawberry lemonade with champagne and pink La Croix for drinks and pink sugar cookies for dessert. 

we pinkified the house for the day:

and i made this tissue paper garland while watching a few episodes of Revenge using this tutorial. it was so fun to do! YOU GUYS ONE PIECE OF TISSUE PAPER MAKES 4 TASSELS. i'm so in love with it that i don't want to take it down. i want to make one giant one to string around the entire house. 

our friend Milker went and bought a keyboard and lesson books and learned to play "happy birthday" on the piano for Gemmie and his own nephew who also just turned 1. that is true dedication right there. we were very impressed!

 Gemmaberry's little self is so cute in this one.

pasta roma for the baby. 
(the pasta roma was a last-minute addition to the's an old Hansen fave. we literally have it for every single special event and holiday. and it's equal parts fucking delicious and hugely fattening. HERE is the recipe if you want to make it! also, that really is JJ's Mom in the photo. and it's her recipe!)

look at all the mayhem going on in this picture hahahaaa:

Gemmie got a Lollacup (omg this cup is the SHIT) from her friend Little M, but is still only interested in the one that actually belongs to Little M:

(LOL at all the stains on her dress. hahahahaaa)

Gemma sees cake for the first time and is pleased as punch:

family photo! so glad JJ decided to wear real shoes to the party. #slippersforlife. all Miss G cares about is the cake. 

sweet Gemmie. also, she got that bruise while romping around with her pal Little M. they ran into each other and both hit the floor. it was sad and cute and funny all at the same time. #babyproblems

these dollar store balloons were a hit! we had them for my sister CA's bachelorette party too. they're the cutest balloons ever. 

(and two days later are still just as exciting. Gemsie crawls around the house yelling "BAAAAAAAAA" alllllllll day).

and after everyone went home, we had to take a picture in front of the adorable happy birthday gemma banner than JJ's sister made. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. 

it was really the most perfect day. thank you thank you thank you everybody for coming! and thank you for loving our little Gem. xo

Monday, June 10, 2013


the other day my friend Mel and i took our girls on an adventure to the Seattle Children's Museum. it was a total blast. we put both the carseats in one car (which happened to be a loaner while mine was getting scratches fixed and it was a total old man car) and we were off to explore!

matching carseats for bffs

we arrived and all the girls wanted to do was look at the fish tank. 

we finally got them interested in the water table. until little M figured out how fun it was to step in puddles. MOVING ON!


and little G figured out how fun it is to play with Legos. by the way, i took her out of that Lego drawer like 8 times. GIVEMEALLOFTHELEGOS, she says.

then it was off to the Goldilocks and the Three Bears set. where Papa Bear's chair was the favorite. i captured this shot of Gemma punching her friend. Mel pointed out how there's a sign behind the violence that says "bless our happy home." 

and then we had way too much fun dressing the girls up at the Taco Time exhibit. M was less than impressed but agreed to pose for a picture. G ripped off her sombrero and poncho and threw them on the ground, making a beeline back to the Legos (the thing is, i went to order her some Legos of her own...they're expensive! when did the cost of Legos get up so high?!) 

then we went grocery shopping for plastic fruit. which Gemmie likes better than real fruit.

aaaaaaaaand after a long day chasing the girlies around, Mel and i treated ourselves to Skillet's pie in a bowl. omg so good. 

it was the best day! the girls were so worn out, they fell asleep on the way home. so we parked it in my driveway and chatted about important things like strollers and whole milk until they woke up. which is so much better than being stuck alone in the car waiting for the baby to wake up.

we love you M&M!

Friday, June 7, 2013

a californian adventure

JJ's brother got married this last weekend and so we embarked on a Californian adventure. it began at 4:30 a.m. on our way to the airport when i opened the container to the cupcake i wanted for breakfast. i pulled it out and all the frosting stuck to the container. and i screamed out angrily and dramatically. i mean COME ON. that is the worst thing that could have happened to me at 4:30 a.m. 

we landed in Burbank. 

and i laughed at JJ and all the pink luggage. 

and then we did what we always do. in n out. duh.

and Gem fell asleep in the car and it was so sweet.

the next day we drove to Beverly Hills to meet up with Moon who recently moved to Santa Monica. Moon's real name is Monica. how unfair that she is Monica in Santa Monica?! so cool. it was fabulous to see her. we miss her.

when we got home, G and Grandma shared a fudgesicle

then there was the ordering of 7 pairs of shoes on Amazon prime, a few costco runs, a broken toe, wine drinking, Gemma snuggles, etc...then it was the day of the rehearsal/dinner! 

Gemma started off the morning with a chat at the pool with her cousin Nora.

hahahahhahaaaaaaaa. anyway. then we ran around like a bunch of idiots trying to get everything done in time. which we did. and JJ forgot pants so we went to target and bought him yellow pants that were $9 and the source of endless jokes all evening. 

i feel the need to explain the people in this photo: JJ, me, JJ's brother Reid, his new wife Laurie, JJ's sister Emily and her husband Scott, JJ's sister Claire, JJ's sister Sarah and her husband Sanjin (pronounced sun-yin)

also purchased at Target: these red velour sunglasses. i mean. I MEAN. obsessed.

then, in typical fashion, Gemstone got pissed right at dinnertime.

THEN IT WAS THE BIG DAYYYYYYYYY. and so while Gemsie napped...

obviously Claire and i started drinking. 

before we knew it--it was time for the wedding!

my nephew Marco, G and me

nephews Marco and Matteo. best picture ever.

cousins Marco, Matteo and Natalie

the best looking best man of all time.

G and me! she was outside for the entirety of the ceremony. being pushed around by Great Uncle Bill. poor, poor Great Uncle Bill. he couldn't even stop the stroller. or look at her. she would just scream. so trusty Great Uncle Bill pushed my baby around in her stroller the whole time. isn't he the sweetest?

Laurie was stunning. Reid looked pretty good too. here is a shot of allllll the Hansen girls:

Laurie and her maids:

then it was time for dinner and dancing. Miss G has a new favorite face she likes to make (that my Mom says makes her look like grumpy cat hahahahahah):

dancing queens

and then JJ's cousin captured my favorite ever photo of us Hansens:

and JJ gave a very nice best man speech.

and Reid and Laurie lived happily ever after!

and we partied and partied and partied and drank too much and i'm not posting any of those pictures because they are appalling. 
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