Friday, December 20, 2013

pink velour sweatsuit: a memoir.

this is the story of my tacky hot pink velour leisure sweatsuit.

the year was 2005. and on Christmas morning, i excitedly opened the hot pink velour sweatsuit i had been pining after for months. OH HOW WONDERFULLY LUCKY I WAS! and so began our love affair...this sweatsuit is soft and comfortable and is a reminder of where i've been. this sweatsuit has come full circle with me. we've been on quite a journey! sometimes i wore just the pants. sometimes i wore just the jacket. but the real magic happened when i wore them together. a giant assault of glowing pink--a hue that's so shockingly bold and bright that you wonder how one might have managed to dye fabric that color. you know?

the year was 2006. it was June. and i was getting Lasik eye surgery. i sat in the waiting room in my cozy velour sweatsuit and waited for my name to be called, so that i could voluntarily lie down on a table while a laser literally burned my eyeballs. after the surgery i threw up in a bag, and a little bit got on my sweatsuit. the next morning when i woke up, I COULD SEE PERFECTLY! I COULD SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES OR CONTACTS! it was a miracle!* and i was still wearing my sweatsuit. it was a wonderful moment!

the year was 2006. it was December 7. i was in my sweatsuit running around getting ready for JJ to come over to my apartment to watch a movie. he arrived early. and i was still wearing the sweatsuit when he opened the door. i never changed out of it. somehow it was just the right thing to be wearing.

the year was 2006. it was Christmas break and i was about to partake in the most unfortunate of events that one endures in his/her college years--the extraction of my wisdom teeth. i was on my back waiting for the drugs to kick in and the last thought i had before i was OUT COLD was "i really hope the surgeon doesn't get blood on my sweatsuit. that would piss me right off." when i woke up i was in the car with a mouthful of gauze. i mean WHAT IN THIS LIFE IS WORSE THAN A MOUTHFUL OF GAUZE?! i have no idea why my mother left me unattended, but when i got home, i went to the computer and ordered JJ a book from Amazon. we had only been dating for like a week. i have no recollection of ordering the book.

the year was 2007. it was Christmas break yet again and i was sitting on a plane all alone in my sweatsuit. the plane was taking me to southern California. i was on my way to JJ's parents' house for the first time. and i was nervous as shit. i also wanted to punch myself for wearing the most obnoxious damn thing in my closet on this MOMENTOUS OCCASION.

the year was 2009. it was July. the week of my wedding and i was sitting in a salon chair wearing my trusty pink sweatsuit, getting my hair dyed for the big day. long platinum blonde hair looks especially stupid with my hot pink velour sweatsuit, in case you were wondering.

the year was 2011. we were living in Rancho Cucamongross, CA. we had just found out i was pregnant. we also found out that we were moving to Seattle. JJ had already headed up to start work, so my sister M came down to help me finish packing. also she drove 99.5% of the way back to Washington. i don't believe i was wearing the pink sweatsuit when i puked in the U-Haul parking lot, but i am positive i was wearing it when i was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, eating an entire bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles.

the year was 2012. it was one week after i had Gemma and it was time. it was time to stop wearing JJ's underwear as pants. and so i got out the most comfortable thing i had: MY PINK VELOUR SWEATSUIT OF COURSE! and i would wear it until it had an unacceptable amount of visible stains (usually 5+), then i would wash it and put it right back on.

the year was 2012. November. I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY LUCK. YOU GUYS. i had found a pink velour sweatsuit literally IDENTICAL to my own, in size 18 months! OBVIOUSLY IT WAS MEANT TO BE GEMMA'S. i bought it IMMEDIATELY and have been waiting patiently for it to fit her ever since.

the year is 2013. the day is today. TODAY, ON OUR FIRST SNOW DAY OF THE YEAR, GEMMA AND I RAN ERRANDS WHILE WEARING OUR MATCHING HOT PINK VELOUR SWEATSUITS. and everyone stared at us like we were nuts. I DIDN'T EVEN CARE. I WAS TOO HAPPY.



so you see, the sweatsuit really has come a long way with me.

to my sweatsuit: cheers, you ugly and tacky thing. i love you.

*flash forward 6 years and my Lasik has completely reversed itself. side effect of having a baby. how rude, Gemma.
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