Friday, January 31, 2014


1. the Sodastream is a REAL game changer. our life has improved tenfold since i hooked that shit up. SPARKLING WATER ON DEMAND.

2. i am on a REAL roll here you guys. today i made soup. and roasted vegetables AND chocolate chip cookies.

3. my boobs are REAL (like you ever questioned it).

4. Gemma is REAL bad at taking care of her baby:

5. i'm REALly excited that the little debbie heart cakes are back on shelves for Valentine's Day!! except JJ cruelly emailed me this while we were sitting next to each other on the couch and i was stuffing one into my mouth. rude. whatever. i don't even CARE. i will keep on eating them. SUCK IT sodium aluminum phosphate!!!!

6. the love i have for a couch that isn't mine is so REAL. we went to West Elm yesterday with our friends M&M and i sat on it and never wanted to leave. i have to prove to JJ that we need this couch. like we need it REAL bad. thus far in the JJ Is Convinced Department: -800.

7. i didn't buy a couch yesterday at West Elm, but i did buy this mug. so happy with my purchase. except that the little gold heart makes the mug non-microwaveable which is just not REAListic in the slightest, since i zap my coffee 7 times every morning.

8. i'm REALly terrible at keeping up with Gemcake's baby book. my friend Sand is incredibly diligent about doing her daughter's and she inspired me to work on G's. so i cracked it open last night for the first time since she was 4 months old and spent hours going back into my phone and instagram and my five-year diary to see when the F she said her first word, took her first steps, etc. i eventually filled out "your mother sucks" in the blank spaces for her height and weight from months 5-9 because i never wrote it down. at least i'm honest?? 

9. for once in my life i decided not to be a cheap ass and bought the actual Paul Mitchell hairspray instead of the generic copycat at Sally Beauty Supply. and it smells REAL good. i may never go back to generic. which means that i probably never should have tried the REAL stuff in the first place. 

10. the Super Bowl is REALly this weekend. and then football is over! yay!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

the 29th of january, 2014

disclaimer: this is such a boring stay-at-home-mom post.

today! has been a pretttttty good rainy day. let me list why:

1. i let Gemma play with play dough for the first time and after she put it right into her mouth for a taste (why do they DO that?!?!), she loved it. "makin' snake mama!" obviously. who doesn't love to make a classic play dough snake? although i must say i didn't buy the real play dough (you know, Play-Doh)...i bought the Rose Art kind from the dollar section at Target. you'd think that i had learned my lesson after that one time my mom bought me Rose Art crayons in grade school that were literally the WORST CRAYONS ever and meant nothing but waxy problems, that Rose Art is not the best when it comes to crafty goods. but $1 play dough! you know. despite it's shittiness, the play dough was loved by G. next time i'll get her the real kind.

2. i made dinner. spaghetti sauce that his been simmering away all morning and afternoon.

3. and for the first time in forever, we are going to be HOME for the next month! i really do love jetting off, living out of suitcases and traveling with the people i love, but being home is good too. and because i know we'll be home for a bit, i scrubbed the house clean today. i even mopped (!!!) and now it smells like pine-sol up in here! that's the power of pine-sol baby!

4. i got some writing done.

5. and now i will get some work done so i can watch last night's episode of pretty little liars before my friend wakes up from her nap.

Monday, January 27, 2014

the windy city

we are back from Chicago and i think i left my brain there. Gem fell asleep on the way home from the airport, so when we got inside, i quickly changed her into pajamas and put her to bed.

this morning when JJ went to get her, he said, "L. next time you put the baby to bed, can you please remember to put a diaper on her?" OMG. i literally forgot to diaper my child. she was covered in pee. thankfully it was just pee. THANK.FULLY.

anyway, what a whirlwind weekend it was, full of doughnuts, a beautiful baby shower, arctic vortexes and teaching older women about what a hashtag is. it was quite eventful. a girls' weekend to the maxxxx! i shared a room with G and JJ's sister and i really think JJ's sister missed her calling in espionage ninja warrior. she is the stealthiest person i've ever met. she would silently appear in the room without warning and scare me every single time! once i even fell to the ground in fear.

anyway, here are some pictures to detail our adventures:

doesn't she look like a queen here? she does wonderfully on flights now that she's addicted to TV (although now we are on day 1 of Bubble Guppies detox and let me tell you, it ain't pretty). she threw a fit as we were walking through first class because i wouldn't let her carry the bag (it was enormously heavy). the first class people were probably beyond thrilled that our seat was at the very back of the plane. far, far away from their warm towelettes and champagne.

day 1. JJ's sister S, me and JJ's mom (Gemma too, obviously). on our way to explore the city. for the record, we only made it half a block. it was so bitterly cold. we could hardly breathe! we found a shopping center and ducked into it for about 3 hours.  also, it should be noted that my dumb ass forgot GEMMA'S COAT. the single most important thing a person can forget when going to Chicago in January! luckily the gap was having a major sale and i scored a leopard print puffer for 15 bucks. 

bellinis at the bar on the top floor of the hotel! 

lounging around in the hotel.

it was COLD AS TITS in Chicago. so. mother. effing. cold. Gemma really works outerwear though.

getting ready for the baby shower. of course i so rudely don't have any pictures of the glowing mom-to-be or the actual baby shower (the whole reason we went to Chicago!) for the record, she looks gorgeous and the shower was wonderful!

JJ's sisters, Gem and me. 

 life with GJ. BURRYYYYY. also, JJ's sister said i look like Rhoda in this hat. 

leaving the hotel and Miss G throws the world's most dramatic fit. usually i let her finish them out on the floor, but we were outside getting into the taxi, so i picked her up. look at her face, "IT'S SO HARD TO BE ME, GHODDDD!"

waiting for our flight home. this was before we boarded, but after she got mad at me and ripped off my glasses. it's a new thing of hers. and nothing makes me more mad. and she knows it. anyway, after a timeout we made up ("love ooo mama" followed by a slobbery kiss and a big hug) and she had a great flight home. 

our time seemed to fly by, and sadly we didn't get to meet up with friends who live there (wahhhhh! so sorry Kel & family!) but we had a wonderful little vacay. until next time chi-town! 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. do you ever get the sensation that someone is following you? no? too much Scandal for me in one week? ok.

2. i was so royally pissed off that that ikea was sold out of their children's mushroom hats today. and that was not the first time ikea was out of something that i wanted. GET IT TOGETHER IKEA. ghodddd.

3. can i tell you how much i love Francesca's heart garland strung through her glittery antlers please?! (my friend makes these amazing garlands!)

4. Gemcake and i are going to Chicago tomorrow. and it's going to be colder than a witch's tit in a cast iron bra. looking so forward to a visit with people we love, but not looking forward to the temps. JJ's Californian sisters and mom have been calling and texting all week, "L! WHAT DO I NEED?! SNOW BOOTS? omg. ew. L, snow boots are so ugly. i don't even have a coat! do i need to wear tights under my jeans to keep me warm?" i die laughing at all the questions and comments from them.

5. sports have no place in my life. but i gotta say, after all of this jazzed up excitement about the seahawks, i thought maybe i should hop on the bandwagon. i told JJ that i just miiiiiiight have to get a piece of fan wear . then i looked online. not only are the choices mostly hideous, they are charging $32 for a god damn t-shirt! what? like, no. sorry. i tried, seahawks. i tried to care.

6. Gemma has this bunny vest. and it's literally the best thing she has ever owned in her entireeeee lifeeeee. and i am kicking myself for not buying one in every size until she's 16. thankfully my sister-in-law E snagged her one in size 3T so i have something to look forward to. but really though. THAT BUNNY VEST?!?!?!?!?!!! i think when G grows up, and i picture her as a little kid, i will picture this vest.

7. GAP! you have done it again! these undies are my new favorites! my nether regions vote HELL YES! my sisters and i got them in our stockings and CA named them "Lace Top Full Coverage" which is exactly what they are! finally! a sexy full-bottomed pair of underwear!

8. POLL TIME: business calls made while taking a dump? yay or nay?

9. i have some crazy high expectations of my springtime garden (my actual garden. this isn't a sexual innuendo, you sicko!) i want a fluffy, purple and bountiful French countryside garden. any of you have green thumbs? where should i begin? 

10. i'll leave you with this: baby me. look at my pearl necklace. aren't i just the classiest? also noteworthy: my dad's uggs, before uggs were a thing. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014


you know, i just really didn't have a picture to go along with what i was talking about today. 

in addition to the Hansen Happenings that have kept me from writing, i have also taken on a small, part-time side job!! i am the public relations and social media consultant for my parents' business. and it's the first job where i am actually utilizing my college degree. isn't that something?! i often find myself digging deep into the depths of my brain between the beer pong tournaments and Wet Seal tube tops (oh, the HORROR!) to try and remember useful things. like writing HTML code for instance. dammit, why couldn't i have paid more attention in that media computer class?! i really can't say this without sounding old, so i'm just going to do it: sometimes i wish i could go back to college and study harder. SO OLD RIGHT NOW. but really, i would love to retake all most of those classes (Survey of Western Civilization, you can suck it. BURN. IN. HELL.) and absorb the information.

also, i feel that i have matured greatly (dutch ovening in bed aside) since college, and have a much stronger sense of self. there was one instance in which i was intimidated in a poetry class and as a result was meek and quiet because i was unsure of myself. on the first day of class we were asked to bring a poem that was interesting to us. so i brought in Leda and the Swan by William Butler Yeats. and when the professor asked me why i chose that poem, i stumbled. i didn't know what to say without sounding like an asshat in front of the class. so i said, "i don't know." isn't that the most terrible answer?! i often think about that moment, and how i would respond now. confidently. and with the same general idea that i had then; how Yeats describes such violence with beautifully written words. how ones senses are entirely aroused by the poem! it's amazing how words can do this! they are so powerful-----and so on. that isn't the point. the point is that if only i had realized my own potential, i would have succeeded! it would be great if my current self could go and pat my college self on the back and say, "good going, L. keep it up, you can do this! you're the shit!"


to all of you college kids: in addition to enjoying all of the Taco Bell your body will allow you to ingest and the ability to function with a hangover, heed my advice: try harder. care about school. learn shit. study. have fun, too. but study your ass off. and also, don't worry! you will figure out who you are. just be confident in the person you are today.

i really didn't mean for this post to take such a soap-boxy turn. but alas, the mind wanders where it must. and i just went with it.

anyway. this is all to say that i am enjoying my little tiny part-time gig. i earn a little money while Gemma is napping and it doesn't really feel like work. it's perfect! and i'm so happy to be using my college degree.

Monday, January 20, 2014


whaaaaat?!?!?! what is happening to the time?! it slips away from me at an alarming rate, and i'm NOT OK with it. i want to be blogging. i really do. it's just that Gemma is so wild. wild like i have never known a child to be wild. she is on a constant quest for destruction. and since she parrots everything i say now, i can try my best to no longer scream obscenities. and isn't it therapeutic really, when one can shout MOTHERFUCK at the top of her lungs when her toddler has poured an entire mug of scalding hot coffee down her shirt?! the F word does the mind, body and soul some good.

and now it sounds like Gemma is terrible. she isn't. she's absolutely wonderful. she is definitely a Gemstorm, but she is also quite sweet. she loves to give kisses, and snuggle her baby, and pet Cleo and get "co-sthzyyy mama" ("cozy mama" ...she has the cutest lisp there ever was!) under the covers. she also loves to interrupt moments of discipline with "hug mommy HUG HUG HUG!!!!" she is very tricky, melting my heart like that when she is in trouble.

so basically i am just too busy to blog. but really that is so stupid of me to say. i have plenty of time to watch the ENTIRETY OF SCANDAL in 8 days, why can't i find the time to write?! stop it with the excuses, L. but really though, Scandal. omfg. if you haven't begun, GET TO IT.

and now, a rundown of THE HANSEN HAPPENINGS.

Gemma & Santa:

G and Isla: their first annual christmas pajama party and gift exchange! it was a delight.

Gemma and her friends gathered items for the needy kids in our community to donate and their mothers were so proud! a new tradition for us!

JJ and i had a sexydatenight to the nutcracker!

we went to California for Christmas, where Santa brought Gemsie a blow-up horse and hand-foot-and-mouth disease! damn you Santa.

my oldest friend in the world, KitKat had a Christmas baby! we love him!

Gemma colors on Grandma's wall.

we go home. and celebrate NYE with friends!

drop G off in Selah with my parents while JJ and i head to Spokane to watch the zags and spend time with our friends!

we go to DISNEYWORLD with my family!


with Mickey. i love her little highwaters with the socks showing.

 Gem had an obsession with Nemo the entire trip. she watched the movie with my dad on the plane to Florida and was absolutely HORRIFIED when, in the first 5 minutes, that giant scary fish comes and eats Nemo's mother. she had her headphones on and screamed, "OHHHHH NOOOOO FISHIE!!!!! NEMOOOOO!" the look on her face was so fearful, it was the saddest thing in the world. consequently, she was quite worried about Nemo's whereabouts the entire vacation. 

 a tiger in animal kingdom!

3 of us

 her favorite face to make. 


Sad Minnie. JJ and i bought popcorn in the souvenir cup and began eating it. we offered some to Gemma and she started crying. after much deliberation, it was discovered that she wanted to hold the popcorn souvenir cup, with the lid on, and no one--not even she--was allowed to eat any. i mean WTF. the mind of a toddler.  

 JJ's favorite Disney character is Dumbo. his mother says he watched the movie so often as a child that the tape broke. he had been dying to get G her very own Dumbo, and so we did. and he was absolutely THRILLED that she took a liking to him. 

a frozen banana covered in chocolate and nuts, you know. 

in a car.

JJ runs a marathon (so does my mom. and everyone else aside from my dad and me and Gemma ran the half marathon).  

 the original 6
classic nip slip

mermaid butt!


and discover that butterbeer is in fact, the most delicious thing ON THE ENTIRE PLANET 


Hogwarts & me. 

DEATHLY HALLOWS TEE! i was too excited to wait. i put it right on after i bought it and my family was embarrassed for me. as were the people in the lefthand side of this photo.

and then we got home and immediately became depressed. 


i was only cheered up by this:

then it was Isla's first birthday! Gemma thought all of the gifts were for her. she also pushed the birthday girl down on the ground. #rude

and then the Seahawks won and are now headed to the Super Bowl. and i just generally hate football. but Gemma really seems to like it. she saw this balloon in the grocery store and yelled "FOOBALL!!!!!!! BALLOOOON!" and so it came home with us. where she carried it around all day and shouted, "go seacocks!"

there were some playdates and dinner dates. a tale of a lost mitten and the petting of a kitten. 

and the last photo in my camera roll is of the rooster i saw this morning. 

and now you are up to date. the end. 

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