Thursday, February 13, 2014

the morning




february 13, 2014. day 76,743,839 of rain.

7:18 a.m. wake up.
7:30 a.m. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (OHHHH TOOOOOOODLES!)
7:34 a.m. split a sleeve of ritz with G Money
8:15 a.m. shower
9:33 a.m. post office (which is strangely in a bowling alley)
9:47 a.m. library
9:48 a.m. back to car. library not open until 10.
9:50 a.m. laugh at two goons (pictured above) playing and watching library truck unload books.
10:00 a.m. stand at door to library.
10:01 a.m. enter library one minute late. librarian: get your shit together.
10:14 a.m. forced to leave library because Gemma's farts smell so disgusting.
10:17 a.m. grocery store. great deal on raspberries.
10:42 a.m. home.
10:45 a.m. a rousing game of kick the ball.
10:53 a.m. think to self: wtf it's not even 11 a.m.?!
11:02 a.m. read Pat the Bunny several times. (does anyone else want to barf on the page where Paul smells the flowers? ohmygodddddd it stinks! like old baby powder).
11:29 a.m. lunch. cheese sandwiches and raspberries.
11:54 a.m. naptime.
12:03 p.m. make salsa and heart-shaped tortilla chips (!!!)
1:30 p.m. while tortilla chips are frying, laugh ass off at this video:
2:37 p.m. finally done in kitchen. holy shit. took forever.
2:38 p.m. sit down.
2:39 p.m. Gemma wakes up.

Friday, February 7, 2014

what's inside my brain right now


1. pictured above is Gemma's reaction to the teensy tiny snow flurry we had this week.

2. thanks for the words of encouragement on Gem and toddlerdom! i started the book and found a quote that made me laugh out loud because it's so true: "There are times when parenthood seems like nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you." --Peter De Vries

3. my ads on Facebook are all about dieting. wtf? i never told you i wanted to lose weight Facebook! so rude.

4. JJ shut the blinds the other night and Gemma said, "good girl daddy!" we about died laughing.

5. our MMM play area acquired a new pet. is it the most disgusting pet ever. a white hamster with beady red eyes. if i was a little kid i would be terrified of that monstrous rodent (i had flashes of bunnicula when i first saw it. bulghhhhh. bunnicula scared the shit out of me in elementary school). but these two girls are so into the hideous creature. sorry girls, neither of you will be getting a hamster for your birthday. (do you see him there? all huddled up in the left corner? yulllk!)



6. WHY is it that gorilla glue never sticks to anything but my own fingers?!?! it's so irritating.

7. to my dear friend Mel who brought us Jimmy Johns today: i. love. you. I LOVE YOU

8. Gemsie has a real chore now: she feeds Cleo. we let her do it once and now it's her job--she gets so pissed if anyone else tries to do it. this is obviously a huge help to us, since she never spills or anything.

9. i had a dream i was friends with Spiderman! i woke up disappointed. i really want to be friends with Spiderman!

10. Narcissistic Hansens:


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Temper Tantrum Gem

after the colossal meltdown at Fred Meyer because i wouldn't let Gemma ride in the car cart (i'm the meanest! but really though. the car cart is the WORST. it's like the navigating a god damn zamboni around the store. also i am positive it has never been cloroxed once):


and the battle we had this morning over a vitamin. A VITAMIN. and she loves vitamins. she asks me for them everyday, "buy-tah peasssthe?" she got mad today because i told her to eat it. and she doesn't enjoy doing things i tell her to do.


and at Target, when she refused to be anything but a surly turd:


it was time. we marched right out of Target and into Barnes & Noble to buy a parenting book. i even told Gemma she could pick out a new book for herself! and so naturally, she ran away from me, up and down the aisles yelling and pulling books from the shelves. i caught up to her and told her never to run away from me (also, it should be noted that a woman and her baby came down the aisle we were in while i was trying to teach Gemma this important life lesson. literally she was standing so close to me that we were touching. C'MON LADY, LET A SISTER DISCIPLINE HER KID IN PEACE AT BARNES & NOBLE! ghoddddd). anyway, G obviously ran away again. so i said fuck this shit snatched this book real quick, scooped G up in a football hold (she responded by pulling my hair and screaming) and stood in line to purchase my book.

there i was, the woman i never thought i would be. the one holding her rabid monkey of a child while standing in line to buy a parenting book. such irony, isn't it?

she screamed all the way to the car, and i silently strapped her in. i started the car, and just as quickly as she had escalated to crazy, she turned the sweetness and charm right on, asking for her music to be turned up, "hi mommy. sew-man peasssthe" (that's the song Snowman in the Summer by Caspar Babypants in case you were wondering). it's astonishing how fast she goes from asshole to adorable. it really is.

i'm not sure what i hope to find in the parenting book. encouragement? answers? Dr. Harvey has never met a Gemma Julianne Hansen before. how in the hell would he know how to deal with her explosive temperament? i consider my parenting style to be pretty laid back. and i have often times thought to myself, "oh yeah, L. you got this. you're so easygoing. let Gemma be who she wants to be. you're so good at this!" but now my assuredness is wavering. as my little girl's personality continues to develop, the more of a wild card she becomes.

i bought the book to guide me through this new phase of life, but i'm not sure that a book is what i need. this is a learning experience for both of us. i need to embrace and accept this fiery little strong-willed human. and she needs to embrace and accept the fact that i am her mother and also the boss. somewhere in the middle there, we'll figure it out.
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