Thursday, July 31, 2014

a mother's night out

today we have been held hostage by the threat of a poo. you see, i want G's next one to be in her potty. so we waited around allllll morning for the damn thing to come...and it never did. our plans for the library were foiled on account of a hypothetical poop. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!

anyway, JJ and Gemma had a lovely father-daughter bonding evening last night (they went for a stroll to the playground, then to the beach, then to the candy store to pick out some more skittles for Potty Training Treats, then home for dinner and a bath. DAD IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN MOM, GHODDDD!) while i escaped for a dinner out with my Melissa. i picked her up on the side of the road like the hobo she is (long story), and then she treated me to a lovely dinner at Purple, got me a beautiful new picnic/beach blanket (my old one is ghetto and i always complained about it) and filled my evening with JUST the conversation and freedom that i needed. THANKS LISSA I LOVE YOU!!! 

baked brie and a glass of sparkling non-alcoholic wine!  

blow, L. 

new shoes.

but...this blog wouldn't be the blog that it is if i didn't have a weird anecdote to share with you though, now would it? 

so i used to have my bellybutton pierced. it was a terrible mistake i made at age 16 (THAT GEMMA HERSELF WILL NOT EVER MAKE!!!) but i just wanted it so bad. and really, how thrilling was it when Claire's got in a new shipment of bellybutton rings, AMIRITE?! anyway. i let it close years ago, but was left with a hideous scar to haunt me of that particular the one poor decision of my youth. when i was pregnant with Gemma, that scar stretched and got even more hideous with each passing week. and after i had her and my tummy "returned back to normal" (heavy use on the quotations, there), my bellybutton piercing scar hung there even more sadly than it had before. and this pregnancy, it looks as if my ugly old scar is just repeating the process of its slow and steady stretch, and its eventual sad and saggy decent downward (although, i do have to say: it's not stretching quite as stomach is significantly smaller this time around. i'm measuring right on schedule at 30 weeks. at 30 weeks with Gemma, i was measuring 5 weeks ahead, that little beast!). ANYWAY, last night while i was getting ready to go out to dinner, i felt a sting on my tummy. i looked down to see that my bellybutton piercing scar was bleeding. BLEEDING YOU GUYS. and i yelped and complained to JJ and he said, "that is so gross and weird. why?" (so helpful, as always) and i was like "I DON'T KNOWWWWW! WHATTTT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!" i'm thinking that maybe the baby kicked it just in the right spot to make the skin split open or something?? who effin KNOWS?!?! it was time to go to dinner though, so i ran to the bathroom to slather on some neosporin and pop a bandaid on it and was out the door. 

and in the car on the way there, i pulled my dress up above my belly, because obviously. clothes are just so restricting when you're 7 months pregnant! and also Melissa wasn't in my car yet, so it was ok. and i looked down at my belly and just started laughing. because i hadn't paid any attention to what bandaid i had actually picked. I HAD PICKED A MUSTACHE BANDAID. i just couldn't stop laughing (which in turn, made my tummy shake like a bowl full of jelly just like Santa Claus. and i laughed even more) LOOK AT IT YOU GUYS!!!!!! my bellybutton has a mustache!!!!!!


Wednesday, July 30, 2014


yesterday was my birthday! i'm 28 and very adult-like now. and it was so hot that i put on a bikini. my neighbor's chickens were probably horrified at the sight. anyway, my smile is fake in that pic. because SOMEONE was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad friend all day. who spit in my face, refused to nap, and broke the new picture frame i got for my birthday. by 5 p.m. this was the scene: a toddler dressed only in undies and a ball cap, sobbing on the hardwood floor because i asked her not to lick my arm for the 700th time. all day i kept saying to Gemma, "it's my birthday, you have to be nice to me," but she did not give a rat's ass what day it was. 

highlight: the morning started off nicely...we went to my doctor's appointment (and scheduled my c-section!!), then picked JJ up from the airport (a bachelor party followed by a business trip in LA, we were so excited to have him back!) and he worked from home for the rest of the day. 

highlight: i got a birthday package from my friend Sam: new swaddles for JF2! you know you're a mom when you get excited over a birthday present that is actually for your unborn child. my friend KitKat also sent me a maternity sundress last week for my birthday and i practically passed out from excitement because it meant i would have something new to wear! thanks you guys! loveyaaaa!

and so, instead of going out to dinner to celebrate my birth and meet up with friends for dessert as we had planned (since a massive 2-year-old eruption of exhaustion and hatred was sure to happen), we spent the evening sitting on the couch watching bubble guppies and eating a baguette and cheese and also one king sized kitkat bar that i did not share. and then (another highlight!!) JJ gave me my presents: one ice cream cake and tickets to Disneyland (including one night in a hotel) in January! i'm so excited!!

this morning we had a fun little backyard playdate with our friends Sandi & Isla, and right now i am eating more ice cream cake and watching some GemmaTV.


Monday, July 28, 2014

a few of our favorite things: potty edition

disclaimer: for those of you who don't have children or who just don't give a shit about potty training, you might want to just skip this post.

potty training is going great! big girl panties are Miss G's most favorite thing! although peeing in the potty seems to come more naturally than pooping in the potty for some reason...?? her accidents consist mostly of shitting her pants instead of peeing in them. she wears big girl panties at home (we haven't braved the public in them yet, 50% because i don't want to deal with a Target Poo, 50% because i don't think she's quiiiiiite ready. i'm debating on disposable training pants or training underwear for our outings) and diapers when we are out, or when she's sleeping.


playing while waiting for tinkles.

anyway, i thought we'd share a few of our favorite potty training things if you happen to be in the same place as we are!

1. Big Girl Panties: a cute little book to get little gals excited about wearing undies. G loves this one.

2. Method Minnie Mouse Hand Soap: we wash hands about 8,000 times a day right now. Minnie is a fan favorite in our house so this was a no-brainer. and also it smells delicious. plus Gemma loves that it's foamy.

3. The Potty Book for Girls: if you're only going to get one potty book, this is it. covers all the bases (i.e. the new potty, accidents, new undies, etc). it rhymes and is perfectly, adorably appropriate. 

4. Mini Boden Bunny Undies: these god damn things are more expensive than MY OWN UNDERWEAR. i did a ton of research (i just realized that i'm crazy, who spends their spare time researching children's underwear?! OMG!!! GET A LIFE, L!!!) and finally decided on these babies--they are made to last. they come in a 7-pack (imperative for potty training beginners so you're not doing 58 loads of laundry a day), they run a bit small (imperative for my toddler's skinny butt), are made of a thicker cotton than the tissue paper Dora the Explorer Hanes (imperative for tinkle leaks). plus they are the cutest ever. LITTLE BUNNIES?! i mean, come on. also i found a discount code when ordering online, which made them a little bit cheaper.

5. Hoppop Donut Potty: cutest little teensy weensy potty there ever was. our bathroom is very small and has exactly one place for a wee potty chair to fit. i love this one. very simple and clean design, and the insert is very easy to remove and rinse out.

6. Candy! we are on Sugar High Central over here. G gets one piece of candy for every tinkle in the potty and two pieces for every poopsie in the potty. and she goes. a. LOT. i can't figure out if she really has an active bladder, or if she she is just trying to go as often as possible to get more candy. sometimes she squeezes out like a teardrop of pee. but alas, a tinkle is a tinkle. she's reward-driven. we have smarties, reese's pieces, gumdrops and skittles for her to choose from, but skittles win out almost every time.

7. Potty: this book is hilarious. it's simple and fun and Gemcake has it practically memorized. 

8. sparkly star stickers: i got ours from the dollar section at Target, but these are the same. we have a little potty chart, and Gemma gets to pick out a star and put it on the paper each time she goes in the potty. she favors the orange ones for some reason.

9. Even Princesses Go to the Potty: this book was a gift from Mimi, and it's perfect! it explains how all different kinds of girls and grown-ups go to the potty. 

there you have it, our potty faves. most are books...Gemma likes to read them over and over and over again. best of luck to you and yours in your potty training adventures! 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

what's inside my brain

1. ok Seattlelites, here's what you need to know: Hello Robin - Capitol Hill. homemade ice cream sandwiches with Molly Moon's. basically i need to like, move in. because it's THAT GOOD. just trust me and go there!!

2. re: the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer. how are we feeling about it? i'm just not sure they cast him correctly. i'm thinking he should have been more GQ Man and less Approachable Boyish Face...

3. i consider my love affair with mayonnaise to be borderline inappropriate. i'm always embarrassingly muttering "extra mayo please," at sandwich shops and looking down at the ground in shame as the lady at Costco rings up my 800-gallon jar of Best Foods. so i was skeptical of this new mayonnaise brand Just Mayo, but...OMFG IS IT DELICIOUS!!!!!!! i didn't even believe that it was actually vegan. but it is. and it's goooooood. ALSO, for you spicy mouthed people, is also comes in sriracha flavored.

4. it is STRAIGHT UP COLD in Seattle. rainy and cold. so we stayed inside today. and someone made this mess:

5. i was able to diagnose myself anemic before the blood test at the doctor's office confirmed it. isn't that amazing? you see, i was anemic in high school, and again during my entire pregnancy with Gemma (this time with JF2 i wasn't anemic until just recently). anyway, one of the side effects of my anemia is my strange craving to eat dirt. EAT DIRT. you guys, isn't that so weird and gross?! but it's a thing. a reallllll thing. so last week when all i wanted was to eat a spoonful of nice, fluffy clean dirt (oxymoron), i just knew it: i was lacking iron.

6. Very Important Public Service Announcement: before THIS could happen to me again, i have sworn off razors until post-baby.

7. that was the last straw, Kim K. NO LONGER FOLLOWING YOU ON INSTAGRAM. ghodddddddd, get over yourself.

8. we have started potty training. and really, i always found it disgusting when mothers would talk about potty training like it was the most amazing thing in the entire world when their kid pees in the toilet. but now i know that...IT IS THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHEN MY KID PEES IN THE TOILET! i will spare you the boring details, but it should be noted that her first accident was a blueberry poop while she was wearing underwear with blueberries on them. so poetic!

9. also, while we're on the subject of Gemma growing up way too fast and fiercely, she no longer sleeps in a crib. she has fully transitioned into a real big girl bed. A WHOLE POST ON THIS LATER.

10. and since i am STILL talking about her...THIS OUTTAKE from G's photoshoot:

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

2 year old gemma jules

my mom has these photo books of all four of us girls that are the coolest! i love looking through mine when i'm at my parents' house, and comparing the differences between me and my Gemmie. the book starts with my very first newborn hospital picture, then for each month until i turned 1, there is a professional photo pasted on each page. after that, it goes by year. all the way until junior year of high school (senior photo blown up, framed and hanging in hallway ((white American Eagle blouse and hot pink fingernail polish!!!)), as all senior photos seem to be). it's just so amazing to physically see the growth and change in that first year of life, then each year after (6th grade get out of here--omg those glasses! that hard rock cafe jean jacket...THE UNIONBAY OVERALLS!), noticing things here and there (my mom NEVER let me get the neon lights in the background. how rude! also, good job, mom. those things are hideous. just hideous. the year i begged to have my pictures done at a photo studio instead of using school pictures, so they could digitally re-touch my face to delete my acne. BRACES! the year i wore my dance team uniform. the year i grew out my bangs!) that flood my soul with the bits and pieces and memories that made my childhood intrinsically mine, ya know? it's an absolutely wonderful stroll through yesteryear each and every time i look at that book.

which is why i'm so mad at myself for not being better about creating hard copies of Gemma's life. i mean, it's easy to be like "YEAH, i document my kid's life! i have an iPhone! and Instagram!" but really, i don't do much in the way of photobooks. i intend to change that. it's on The Great List (of shit i have GOT to do before the baby comes). i never got around to having professional pictures of Gemma taken each month, and originally i had thought it ridiculous to have her photos done even every year, but WTF c'mon L, you have a very dear friend who also just happens to be a photographer who captures magic. HOW LUCKY! why NOT have Gemma's pictures taken once a year?! 

and so we waited for a sunny day and went out to this wonderfully woodland area (srsly, we totally expected a wild bunny to hop across in the background--it was so perfect!), and Sandi spent literally four minutes with Gem in a dress and a crown snapping these pictures below (this does not include the time she spends editing of course!!), and when she sent them to me, i was so so so happy i asked her to take them. i now have physical pictures to illustrate and remember exactly who my Gemma is right now in this time of our life, down to every little detail (the tongue out as she concentrates! her "CHEEEEEESE!!" face, the little chipped-polished fingers holding up the skirt of her dress, the face she makes when i say "Gemma..." in a warning tone that means "DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW, CHILD"). in those four minutes of Sandi snapping, my whole world, my Gemma, is forever captured just as she is at 2 years old. 

and now this post has gotten so sappy! motherhood, man. dammit. 

without further adieu, the pictures that i won't shut the hell up about!!! a million thanks to my Sandi, who is just too good.

Sandi's daughter Isla also happens to be Gemma's little gal pal. she snuck in for a few shots :)

Gem's dress: Gap, sold out
Gem's belt: J.Crew (like 8 years ago)

Friday, July 18, 2014


blurry little lovebird babies who had just gotten engaged in Rovinj, Croatia back in June 2008. (thanks to my friend Moon for taking this ((albeit shitty quality)) most favorite photo). we are so young and JJ is so happy. i love love love it! 

and now we are all grown up and mature and today marks five years of marriage! i really do love where life has taken us. we got a little Foxy Cleopatra doggie, we've done a little moving from here to there, we bought a little cream puff house, we had a little Gemma, and another little baby is on his/her way. i feel very lucky to be stuck with this wonderful, crazy asshole! 

JJ's parents and one of his sisters are coming up to Seattle tomorrow, so we have a nice long afternoon-into-evening date planned for Sunday.* but tonight...tonight we feast on pasta roma and partake in a phase10 tournament!

how about a vain little black and white trip down memory lane because i just love looking at our wedding pictures. it was the best day, and i would do it all over again in a heartbeat! (well actually no. i would skip the part where i trip and fall down the stairs one hour before the ceremony, breaking the strap off my dress and screaming "FUUUUCK!" in front of JJ's great uncle, Bishop Joe, who presided over our wedding and is pictured below). 


 *the traditional anniversary gift for five years is wood. just please. i'm anticipating the penis-themed gift already.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


this was the snapchat i sent out this morning.

Gemmie and i were running late per usual, and i (AGAIN. when will i learn?!) took my prenatal vitamin too quickly before my breakfast had time to digest and settle. so while G was sitting on my bed flipping through the pages of the book i'm currently reading on my iPad (she loses my place in the book like every 4 hours hkjsadfkhasdfkhj nothing more frustrating!), i was sitting on the floor of the bathroom telling myself that i WOULD NOT PUKE. mind over matter. mind. over. matter. and i didn't. then i stood up and walked back into the bedroom, which is precisely when Gem chucked her own book (The Prince's Bedtime- great book FYI), and it sliced my ankle with it's sharp corner before hitting the floor. i yowled "GOD DAMMIT!" in pain and shouted at my child, "NO NO NO GEMMA DO NOT THROW BOOKS! ESPECIALLY AT MOMMY! NOT COOL!" which is also when i noticed that my bedroom window was open and my neighbor was walking by as i was yelling.  argh! caught in the act of being an asshole mom is the worst.

then i threw on a tshirt (that says "i'm so broke" which is entirely true) and stretchy shorts and we left the house. and by the time i actually looked in the mirror i was like WTF THERE ARE A FAMILY OF BIRDS (PERHAPS RATS, EVEN) LIVING IN MY HEAD. my hair was ridiculous. just absolutely ridiculous.

and you know, i haven't used a brush in like 7 years. really, it's true. isn't that terrible?! and i think maybe it's time. it's time i bought myself a brush. but the problem now is that i want a Mason Pearson. but c'mon, $150+?! FOR A BRUSH?! i realize it's made of boar hair or whatever. but Mason Pearson acts like boars are extinct and their hairs are worth their weight in gold. first of all, boars are disgusting. secondly, don't they run rampant and in abundance in Indonesia? i might as well catch one, cut off its hairs and make my own GD brush.

but really, the only reason i'm whining is because i really want one now and i can't have it (refer back to the tshirt i am wearing today).

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

25 things

shitballs, i know. it's been a long time, ye old bloggeroo. today i was thinking to myself "i should write in Gemma's baby book." and usually i'm all "nah, it's fine. i put her milestones on the blog, so i'm covered." WELL I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN AGES. so basically it's like all of these things that happened never actually happened. they are perfect and wonderful things that disappear like a whispering wind (note to self: Disappear Like a Whispering Wind is great name for romance novel) if i don't document them. for instance, i didn't share the story of Gemma's first full sentence ("oh SHIT, mama. that's hot!" when i set a bowl of soup in front of her) or about how my 99 cent tomato plants are growing at an incredible rate (i'm practically a farmer now) and i got so mad at Gemma for plucking the biggest tomato off before it was ready (i still ate it. because, like, C'MON, it was my first ever tomato that i grew with my own two hands! also, it was gross. because it was green still) or about how Gemma loves to jump off the diving board.

so anyway, this isn't an empty promise to myself that i'll blog more often, but dammit, i need to blog more often! so here are 25 things. 25 things that we've been up to this summer.

1. we picked raspberries at a family friend's house and they were so wonderful and fresh and delicious. and Gem was eating them faster than we could pick them. 

2. we've been enjoying lots of swimming pools! this was taken at my friend KKiss' parents house. this was also the first day she jumped off the diving board. 

3. Gempop is obsessed with all the cows that ever existed. "HEYGUYSLOOKCOWS" and "WHITECOWRUNNINMAMA" and "OOHLOOKATDATCOW" is all we heard on our 4-hour road trip to Oregon last week.

4. G had her first s'more. it was a hit! she likes them deconstructed better than as a sandwich, though. also, it should be stated here that we now make s'mores with reese's peanut butter cups. YOU GUYS. stop. stop using Hershey's. use the peanut butter cups. GAME. CHANGER. you will never look back.

5. i went to my 10-year high school reunion. and i was pregnant. i mean, terrible planning on my part. but it was such a wonderful time. all of my old drunk classmates drinking Busch Light out of cans and rubbing my belly all night long until 1 a.m. was perfectly intimate and oddly comforting. there's just something about growing up in a small town!! and it was also the first time the Fab5 (and the babies!) have been all together. 

6. on rainy summer mornings, G likes to put on her rain boots and hoodie and take her baby for a walk on the deck.


8. Gemsie got her first real salon haircut! $30 for like, 3 snips. but whatves. it looks SO much better. she got to pick out a movie to watch (Winnie the Pooh) during the 4 minutes it took to trim off her mullet. right before the woman started, G shyly looked up at me and said, "mama hold my hand" and she hung onto it the whole time. it was the cutest thing in the world and i almost died.

9. we were in a 4th of July parade!

 she was so adorable in her little red, white and blue outfit. and so were JJ and Cleo. the picture below was taken right before G insisted on walking Cleo down the street by herself. then she tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and fell into some bark, yelling "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! CLEO!" for all to hear. and it wasn't even Cleo's fault. it was her own fault. but Cleo is used to getting blamed for many things.

10. corn on the cob. lots and lots of corn on the cob. 

11. farmer's marketing.

12. Cleo got a haircut and while we were waiting in the PetSmart parking lot, JJ let Gemma drive. but she really wasn't interested in driving. she was interesting in rolling down the windows, honking the horn 800 times and turning up the volume of her music to 5,000.

13. accidental and hilarious selfie.

14. road trips!

15. JJ paddle boarded  for the first time! (i tried, but my belly wouldn't let me balance).

16. these two pals! (we were in Sunriver for a family reunion and had so much fun. Sunriver is the best!)

17. just getting some sun on that big ol belly.

18. cranky. while we road trip, Gemmie insists on listening to her own music. but she won't let us sing along. she puts her hands out and shouts, "STOP. DON'T SING DAT, GUYS" #rude.

19. today marks the first day of week 28, the beginning of third trimester. WHAT?!?!!! this pregnancy has flown by. FLOWN. i just don't even know where the time goes. i have purchased a small handful of new baby things and i put them into a drawer last night and realized that i totally have a color scheme going on and i didn't even mean to! it's fun to hold little teensy tiny baby things in my hands, i just can't wait for the him/her to get here! well, actually i kind of can. because we have a lot to do before then. BUT REALLY, we are so excited! also, for the record, i think boy and JJ thinks girl.

20. ICED MOCHAS! galore. the Nespresso machine is the best thing that ever happened to me. (also, my iPad in the background reminds me: if you need a new book to get hooked on, the All Souls Trilogy is so addicting! like a mix between Harry Potter and Twilight with elements of history and classic literature and science all twisted together. the third book comes out this month! also FYI: it's cheaper on the Kindle app than iBooks.

21. outdoor summer concerts with BFFs! we hit one up this morning. there was lots of booty shaking (and snack eating and children running away and being naughty and moms kind of wishing we had leashes for the animals children) and clapping and adorableness.

22. beach days! full of sandy buttcracks and sandy sandwiches. and also duck chasing.

 23. because summer=eating watermelon outside in the grass. DUH!

24. i'm growing out my bangs. >SIGH< for the 8billionth time. i always get super pissed off when they reach my eyes, and then i cut them. BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT GIVING UP. the prenatals are making my hair grow fast, so i'm sticking to it! on the way home from Sunriver, while reading in the car, i searched high and low for a bobby pin to pull them back, but couldn't find one. so i used one of Gemma's bows instead. and she was absolutely NOT OK with it. "DATS MIIIIIINE BOW MAMA, NOOOOO!" and sobbed and sobbed. and i was like, "actually, it's mine because i bought it. also you need to share with me and be nice." but she just continued wailing. sometimes it's just SO HARD being a two-year-old, ya know?

25. i golfed! well, i putt-putt golfed.

and there you have it. the Hansens have been keeping busy! talk soon. xx
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